So what is this game about? Take a seat and see for yourself.
I encourage all servant angels to read, enjoy, and review.
What Is Kid Icarus: Uprising?
Chapter 1: The Return of Palutena
Introductory chapter's title does not give a damn about Pit. Pit intentionally breaks the fourth wall. The Overworld is invaded by Medusa's army who is making a party out of it. She herself states the 25 years of absence and leaves shortly, which makes everybody who didn't get the perfect ending in the first game believe Pit aged well and the few people who DID get it believe Pit casually avoided aging altogether, like Mario. Palutena explains all the miracles of the Power of Flight and the biggest downside: 5 minutes. Duo reaches dumbly named That First Town where people celebrate Palutena's return. Writer thinks 25 years are nothing to civilians.
Sudden gameplay change happens. Everybody who enjoyed the Sin and Punishment section are COMPLETELY thrown off by the land combat and immediately get hand cramps just trying to sink all the controls in, immediately praise free 3DS stand. Case in point, Pit goes to the local coliseum a defeats Cerberu-I mean, TWINbellows. Rather easy boss fight ensues.
Chapter 2: Magnus and the Dark Lord
Dark Lord title cliché is discussed. Pit wonders aloud about mini-bosses and final bosses. Barbecued angel dish with lightning bolts makes Palutena look like a cannibal. Chicken is more economical. Pit smugly states humans' capabilities of crossing the landscape of hell. A whale chase after, Pit gets G-force on his face. Palutena is officially given the nickname Trolltena from this point on by the fandom. Pit is reminded of the issues with the flawed Power of Flight.
A huge birthday party where everybody wants to kill Pit is thrown in Dark Lord Gaol's Castle. Palutena reads hearts through Pit's laurel. Pit thinks about naughty things then denies it. Duo meets Jecht-look alike Magnus who partners up with the rather meek-looking angel. Palutena notes about humans driven by desire. Magnus calls her out for the End-Of-The-World state and she quickly calls him a jerk. Pit is made by everybody's hands to trigger a chest trap and is made to look stupid. Later, Pit comments about going fully dressed into clamored hot springs and steaming his sacred buns. Magnus squicks.
Duo fights Nightmare/Dark Lord Gaol. Moderate boss fight occurs. Shockers, it's a naked girl inside the cursed armor. Writer suddenly has Metroid memories for some reason.
Chapter 3: Bickering Heads of Hewdraw
Pit gets overly ticked off by other people being able to fly by themselves, Palutena makes him feel worse. He faces off with the previously-named-Hydra monster called Hewdraw. Dragon turns out to have three different, bickering personalities. One of them wants to commit suicide by cop. Dragon is taken down, but the first two heads fall down rather fast and invade dumbly named That Burning Town, happily bouncing in the background of the city.
If the player had the insanity of trying this level in intensity 4.0 for the first time, Pit makes a fortune out of flan-looking enemy Souflee. Warning: The cherry on top it's not what you think it is. Pit comments about high valleys, and picking friends and your nose. Gets overly excited for using a chain of jump pads and then gets nearly eaten by quick rampaging head. After making all 3DS systems look at a dancing meringue monster until defeated, Pit enters a suspicious wide open area and gets a nice gift as told by Palutena: monster pheromone AKA making Pit the BAIT for monsters, of course without his consent.
Shockers, defeating any head in any order give multiple endings. Pink head totally believes Pit's hair is pretty and then gets obliterated. Palutena promises to use pheromone when she NEEDS it. Pit is sulky. Angel then goes down the sewers and wonders what they are. Seriously? Monster ambush somehow makes it Pit's ambush. Pit then finds the last dragon head regenerating at the lake he is hiding in. Wait a second. A dragon hiding inside a lake? Where have I heard that before? Anyway, Pit defeats gay dragon.
Chapter 4: The Reapers' CREEPY Line of Sight
Pit and Palutena head for the dreaded Reaper Fortress located in Reaper Boulevard across Reaper Park to get to Pandora. Pit gets the jeebies-weebies thinking about 8-bit Reapers. Palutena's perfect eye is useless due to botched laser eye surgery. Obviously, Pit is being messed with. MASSIVE REAPERS' LINES OF SIGHT. Epic rock music plays while flying through deadly cliffs which are not thankfully accompanied with acid winds.
Pit infiltrates Reaper Fortress. Reapers are evil and crazy because they are evil and crazy. Holy crap, they hit like a truck. Tender moment with Pit and Palutena shows up. OH MY GOD AN ORNES. WHY AREN'T MY ATTACKS WORKING WHY WHY WHY. Hi there, Eggplant Wizard. A pretty bad hosPITal joke later, Pit orgasms over hot spring. Discourages going into poisonous hot spring across the room.
Pit gets in the line of sight of a small Reaper who then transforms into a HULKING REAPER bigger than you will ever be. Rather easy boss fight ensues against Mephistomon. Later, Pit comments about Palutena being a nice person even though he was about to die by her trollish behavior. Pit does not have many friends.
Chapter 5: Pandora's Labyrinth of Pure Deceiving Weird Shit
Massive confusing shit appears in the form of a distorted universe which somehow reminds everybody about how polygonal the first Star Fox looked like. Sadly, there is a huge lack of foxes here. Pit and Palutena are repeatedly tricked into running into dead ends. Massive headaches ensue throughout the level. Palutena's thinking is pretty slow.
The duo barges into…er, wherever they just got into. Pandora does not mind the guests. Pit gets tricked by ol' fake doors trick. Writer wants Pit panini. Moving walls confuse the hell out of Pit. Exo Tank race track appears. Pandora failed to get her Driver's License with no hands (duh). Apparently, hard work and determination allowed her to create the racetrack anyway. This is totally Ask Auntie Pandora's Hour and she does look like a strategy guide. Bouncing around is fun. Nobody dares to try intensity 8.0 to find a cool easter egg in a locked door. Hand-holding is pretty much allowed through the entire game. Fiery Pandora is fiery.
Suspiciously easy boss fight ensues against evil fireball. Pandora suspiciously lets Pit destroy the Mirror of Truth. In slow motion, Pit kicks Dark Pit out of the mirror. Pandora is giddy. Dark Pit, not so much. Backstabbing occurs on her, THEN another backstabbing occurs on Pit. Easy boss fight ensues. Dark Pit absorbs Pandora's essence and becomes a far better flier than Pit. Fanart instantly pops up.
Chapter 6: Dark Pit (no, really, that's the title)
Pit and Dark Pit engage in heated combat. Medusa tries to win Dark Pit to her side. He says no. Medusa thinks it is bizarre. Pit is not like him. Dark Pit is actually flawed from the mirror's quick destruction, but he is still destructively evil just by looks. Pit and Palutena speculate on Dark Pit's infinite Power of Flight, which end up with the duo being bad at flying. The Target Practice on Pit fails. Both Pits square off at an abandoned site.
Pittoo plays hide-n-seek with Pit, which includes randomly fighting in two of four areas like under a roof, inside the underground which pisses many people off for not getting the entry for a Zodiac Weapon, high atop the hill with a staff that he uses for sniping Pit (if that makes any dang sense to you), and a wide open area with a huge robot Pit can use to smack the living daylights out of him. Writer thinks Dark Pit is suicidal on that last point. Pit gains a new best friend on Cherubot. Palutena does never find out about it.
High atop the desolated place, both Pits fight each other TO DEATH. Rather hard boss fight ensues against the Dark Link expy. Dark Pit states Pit is Palutena's puppet (like we didn't know that one). It is a satisfying existence. Pittoo gets beaten up, states he was going easy (suuuuuuuure he was) and escapes. Chickeeeeeeeen!
Chapter 7: HAMAZING Thanatos
Pit and Palutena decide to take on Tanatos at his undersea base and get the key to the Underworld. Pit thinks Palutena is crazy (at this point it should be obvious how trollish she is) and presumes Pit can hold his breath for quite a long time. The goddess pulls off a Moses move and makes a path for Pit into the sea. Turns out it was non-Disney Poseidon doing that. Palutena states every coral has its thorns somehow. She was NOT thinking about flowers. Are you crazy? The angel does not possess a life vest.
Poseidon stops being relevant to the plot. Shame, since he could have been interesting in the long run. At Tanatos' base, the fat green genie greets them. Writer cannot make sense of half the words he says. Tanatos illegally changed his name to Thanatos and makes up a word out of that. Internet likes HAMAZING word. Second floors are fun. Third floors suck. All players around the world meet the abomination that is the fake chest monster Mimicutie. The god of death reveals why he does not outrank Medusa in power: he is a fat lazy bastard, that's why. Pit successfully pulls off a Thanatos' imitation.
Moderate boss fight ensues against evil Disney's Genie. Pure weird shit goes on while fighting Thanatos. He transforms into a Zubat (oh hell no), a giant green Atlas foot with athlete's foot, big freaking sword with lances, a skull-weak vase, and dolls within dolls. Writer laughs at mini-Thanatos. The god of Death dies. How ironic.
Chapter 8: Space Pirates (Wait, what?)
Pit and Palutena prepare for the biggest showdown ever by retrieving the stolen Three Sacred Treasures from Space Pirates, who are certainly NOT related to other Space Pirates. The game does everything in its power to make the plot look as weird and random as possible, like a Disgaea game. Underworld Army attacks the ship, which makes Pit DEFEND said ship before boarding inside.
Angel complains about crash-landing. Space Pirates are far better fighters than Underworld baddies. Welp. Destroying shining energy core is not recommended and sounds "hurty". Pure scenery porn is outside the ship. Writer wonders aloud who the hell keeps blaring over the megaphone in alien language during the whole stage. Pit thinks switches do stuff when activated. He finds a hot spring inside the ship with a Space Pirate inside and Palutena says there is always room for one more. A sick mental image is thus stuck in your mind after reading this.
Is it still stuck? Good.
Space Pirate Captain is found on the deck, blaring wildly on the megaphone in some weird language. Speculation reveals he wants the scurvy dog Pit to walk the plank. Before a beat-down ensues, Space Pirate Captain is swallowed whole by a random Space Kraken. Rather easy boss fight ensues against Tentacruel. As expected, Pit "calamaries" it. What a sucker indeed.
Chapter 9: Medusa's Final Battle
The battle of the battles is about to start. Pit's Three Sacred Treasures reference Saint Seiya. Complete bullet hell makes everybody think about the girl-filled Touhou series. Palutena brings Pit's most painful Underworld memories from his 8-bit days. Dark Pit joins the fray by fighting, gasp, alongside Pit. Some random mecha shows up and proceeds to kick Pit's sorry butt. Dark Pit proves his badassness by lethally kicking said mecha with a OHKO. Palutena informs all players that face-kicking won't work for them, though.
Medusa's castle gives everyone the feeling of this chapter being the very final one with a boss rush full of silent bosses. Medusa, Palutena, and Pit have their Shut Up Hannibal lectures tossed at each other. Hints that Palutena might be hideous and evil produce mass wild mass guessing among the fandom. Medusa thinks Pit is insignificant yet feels all tingly about incoming confrontation. Can you scream Foe Jay? All players in general have a wild fun time blasting Ornes into oblivion with Arrows of Light. F*ck yeah. Tempura Wizards become a new nightmare for all players not into Land Battles.
An epic final battle ensues between the flea-sized Pit and gargantuan Medusa. She reveals her real monster face but even then gets killed off in a spectacular ending cutscene along with her castle. Ending where everybody laughs is shown as 8-bit credits roll up.
THEN CREDITS GET RIPPED OUT BY HADES. GAME'S NOT OVER. You can make your own Medusa with a ton of souls and hit frappe. All Hades characters somehow have the same Disney's Hades' attitude: being a taunting goofball bastard.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE SUPER TREASURES ARE WEAKER THAN MY OWN WEAPON?
Chapter 10: The (Fake) Wish Seed
The newly reformed Underworld Army invades the Phoenix's realm to steal magma, then the Wish Seed. Pit keeps annoying us by wishing to fly himself. Changing the subject is not allowed. Phoenix eggs make divine omelets. The player can already tell Palutena is a big eater. Pit is all sweaty in magmaland. Taking either way of two paths nearly kills him. New sandals for Pit are promised.
Pit is not scared x3 of fighting the Phoenix. He sounds suspicious. Hades reveals his wish: revive some random girl's deceased parents, make them rich and turn them into royalty. It is a load of baloney. Pit gets yet another orgasm by another hot spring. Everyone with two thumbs likes hot springs. Palutena never tells anybody her wish and reveals the fakeness that is the seed which is actually a bait to make every stupid mind full of greed to kill each other over it, which is fittingly the entire human race. I personally wish for a kazillion wishes. Pit gets a hot date with the Phoenix. Moderate boss fight ensues against Moltres. Wish Seed is a bomb. GET AWAY. Hades informs all the Overworld about the Wish Seed. Mass genocide occurs.
Chapter 11: Viridi, Bitch of Nature
Humanity turns into brutality. Pit and Palutena watch as the humans kill everybody in sight, Underworld Army silently watches to take souls back to hell, and a huge seed-like nuke destroys every motherf*cker in sight and grows thorn planet in place of the battlefield and nearby town whom writer thinks is most likely named That Doomed Town.
In comes perhaps the biggest Nintendo bitch to ever have graced all players with her presence: Viridi. She instantly gains a hatedom among Kid Icarus fans for being a giant spoiled bitchy brat who thinks all humans are useless and destructive. Naturally, Pit and Palutena oppose her homicidal views of the human race and invade thorn planet. Viridi smugly says the Forces of Nature are not what they used to be, which hints at her using radioactive waste to make herself an army. Viridi might have also taken a bath in there. Pit is nearly killed by flaming meteor that does not set the whole place on fire for some reason.
Palutena hints at humans being insignificant. Writer is freaked out by Viridi. Buildings are part of nature. Humans, are not. Pit, yet again, gets giddy about a small puddle that used to be a hot spring. Viridi does not mind her own business. All angels are servants. Palutena is not a snake but crafty. A new enemy appears before Pit, and Viridi stupidly and indirectly reveals its weak points. The goddess of Nature has always been green.
Pit fights Golem/Craganlanche. He is a silent type. Butthurting him is super effective. The fandom makes many sick jokes right after. Wait, I think I just did.
Chapter 12: Wrath of the Nuke Bomb
Hades and Viridi engage in heated combat against each other's army. The Underworld Army is worse than the humans. Many a player facepalm at Viridi's late logic. The Skyworld Team sneakily sneaks between the conflict and take down a Reset Bomb. (Take that, you bitch!) Destroying a bomb is not enough, so they go after a floating factory.
Cherubots are not full-efficient. Shut the hell up, Viridi. Electric fence should not be touched. Pit is a chicken (somehow). The girl is called the goddess of Brutality, but Palutena is not one but the Goddess of Trolls. Reset Bombs are like a ripe fruit that falls from a tree and nukes everything in its way. Viridi denies this, even though she started it. Mimicuties are disgusting. Palutena is kind enough to reveal Ameeba's weakness. Viridi is still a bitch. Rather boring boss fight ensues against, shockers, a shielded seed.
Chapter 13: Arlon's Death Star Base
The angel starts singing to make everybody's ears bleed and thinks they are done with Viridi, but they are not. Thousands of groans echo from beyond the 3DS screen. Pretty moon in pretty. Pretty moons are pretty. Pit thinks second moon is pretty cool. Moon turns into base. Second moon is dangerous. Suddenly, Uprising references Star Wars. The duo meets Arlon the Serene, who does a lot of justice to his title and yet is not related to the Forces of Nature in a plausible way. If he does relate, my name is Jungo Tori. Arlon is defending, not attacking. Pit thinks all bad guys are like 'I'M GONNA KEEEEEEEEEL YOU". Arlon is not amused. I am not amused.
Level design is pretty much loathed by players, with all the fake enemy illusions plaguing the damned Death Star. Palutena can pretty much outsmart Arlon's tight defenses because, well, she is a goddess keeping up with technology. Players dislike invisible floors, and then they dislike SURPRISE Dark Pit + Defense Generator mid-boss fight. Dark Pit can be coaxed into fighting Pit just by mentioning him. The fandom yet again is tempted to make gay fictions. Later on, Arlon does not convey purpose for Moon Base. This is immediately labeled as irrelevant by all players due to plot not taking itself seriously. Why should it now? Blasting enemies is more fun.
Rather moderate boss fight ensues against the butler. Arlon likes fighting in the dark. This just begs for him to turn into a molester. Obscenely weird positions make many think he is not all that serene. Moon base blows up; nobody cares about unknown flying object shooting out from there.
Chapter 14: Striperific Lightning Battle
Thanatos is revived from the death (how ironic), turned into a sparkly glow dragon (not glowworm), and fights against yet another commander of Viridi's forces: Phospora. Phospora's overall look and personality tempts Deviantart artists to turn her into a slut. Back in the present time, craziness of epic proportions occurs between chaotic clouds. The only one who does not get any stronger in the chaos is Pit himself. Thanatos has supreme life insurance + soda, but he dies (or falls down) anyway. Phospora retreats to recharge herself in a random floating temple of lightning. Super tornado sequence with lightning bolts and everything occurs. Phospora does not have a good fortune, hinting at her defeat later in the level.
No touchy-touchy electric walls. Pit wishes to have rubber sandals. Phospora does not own the Lightning Temple, so she is a hobo. The lightning warrior girl continuously teases Pit throughout the land battle sequence. Fandom material is given away in insane quantities. Palutena should not be called ma'am. We do never find out Palutena's and Phospora's ages. I'm guessing Palutena's 68. Pit does not mind being called sir. Nobody else in the cast cares. Phospora says he has got brain and brawn in a whole package. The fandom is practically squeeing at this point. Players tend scream at two Mimicuties one after another.
Pit tries his calling out to the moon moment. Phospora does not agree. Rather moderate boss fight occurs against the Darkstalkers reject. The divine peanut gallery is amused. Phospora explodes, like, boom.
Chapter 15: Mysterious Invaders AKA Aliens
Pit wakes up pretty early, angel code is pretty heavy on him. Uprising suddenly references Independence Day of all things. Massive alien invasion ransacks portions of the earth into floating islands not ala Angel Island from Sonic Adventure. Viridi is to blame for this, then she is not. Aliens saved Hades and then Viridi from finishing each other off. Aliens are like bees. Palutena, for once, has no idea who the aliens are. In comes super god of justice: the barely naked Pyrrhon. Reveals who the aliens are and shows extreme dexterity about them, which of course does NOT hint at something sinister he has in mind. The other gods think he is a complete goofball, me too. The fandom pretty much over exaggerates his personality, but so does this fiction. Viridi and Hades are pretty much to blame for luring the Aurum into the planet. Viridi, like a complete psycho bitch, denies her consequences.
Pit steps into the future, expecting the boss to fight him already. Viridi teases he is lonely. Enemies wave hi at Pit. Yet another Mimicutie appears, screams ensue. Damned random alien Hot Spring rises up away from Pit. Hot Spring might have icky stuff. Who cares about Exo-Tanks? Yet again, Viridi annoys everybody, teasing Pit that he is going to fall with the hard-to-control vehicle. The level makes it clear it likes Mimicuties so much with a second one. Aurum mess up Palutena's grind rail powers. Hades sends his boys into the core. Needless to say, they get blasted to death. Palutena squeezes Pit's brain mentally. All gods are amused. Rather moderate boss fight ensues against Aurum Generator.
Chapter 16: Aurum's Fire-Absorbing Core
Uprising jumps from referencing Independence Day to Star Wars, Star Trek, and especially Star Fox: Assault. Aurum have lots of ships, including kayaks. Hades steals Aurum ship. Aurum make decent Underworld Army copies. Hades is impressed. Palutena keeps thinking the Aurum are alien bees. The bunch of misfits head for the ship factory, which greatly resembles a second Death Star. Nobody can enter the base. Pit suggest going back home to order pizza, Palutena has a coupon. Hades makes freaky alien lemonade, which is slamming their ship against the Death Star ala Star Fox: Assault like a straw stuck in an orange, except said orange is not a fruit but a base filled to the top with defenses.
Aurum get wary because of Pit's smell. Palutena's job is to babysit Pit, not Viridi's. Pit is a buzzard who eats floor ice cream, which gives you health. Does that mean he is a Kirby? Viridi aids Pit because it is her own interest to keep him alive. A rather extreme shipping scene occurs between Pit and Viridi. Fandom gets on them for that like there is no real end. Palutena acts like a troll the entire scene. Rather easy boss fight ensues. Pyrrhon attacks boss with fire, making it stronger accidentally. Rather hard boss fight ensues.
Chapter 17: Aurum's Brain Damage
All gods except Palutena's lazy army of Centurions go all out on the Aurum, the goddess thinking they all finally lost it. Pit is amazed how much Pyrrhon knows about the Aurum. This is NOT fishy at all. Divinipedia is mentioned and Pit wants the link. They easily reach the Aurum Brain. Pyrrhon enters the crystal ball and erupts into fire, sacrificing himself…not. Pyrrhon becomes evil with power. All gods are shocked. Viridi uses her last Reset Bomb to be awesome. Her complete disregard of fire strong against wood burns her idea. Pit cannot go back to Palutena and falls down. He did not learn how to read. Viridi yet again provides aid with a floating platform.
Pit whines about platform being too small to fight, gets a bigger one that probably makes the level harder than it should be. Aurum enemies take free rides, the ingrates. Pit is sandwiched between two ships. Pyrrhon gets a gift for himself and burns Viridi's troops. Palutena laments the sacrifice of Viridi's troops, even though the floating nut shooters are pretty much everywhere and cannot convey feelings. Luckily, she calls the Centurions into battle. Oh, NOW she calls them! It turns out Palutena has no adoration whatsoever for the Centurions losing their lives in battle. Pit does. The Centurions themselves don't even care. The goddess frequently keeps scaring the shit out of Pit with every unaccounted Centurion that comes out of nowhere for replacements. It turns out Pyrrhon got taken over by the Aurum. Serves him right.
Many players make the boss fight impossible to win by shooting the barrier-protected Aurum Pyrrhon, not even minding the four suspicious towers connecting to the barrier itself. Passing through that, rather moderate boss fight ensues. Pyrrhon takes Aurum away into space and disappears completely from the plot, like that Aquaman guy in Chapter 7. What was his name again? Eh, who cares.
Chapter 18: The Ring of Body Possession
Pit wakes up in a ring. A random girl wears the ring, giving Pit a sex change along with a new body. The Pit-girl wanders off to a city where Centurions are suspiciously diving down. Little Girl (real name) trips down and drops ring. A random dog picks it up, turning Pit into a dog. Little Girl disappears forever. Freaky. The dog's behavior amusingly consumes Pit's overall thoughts. At the ingeniously-named Decimated Town, Centurions and Pit's body are slaughtering humans. The square looks a little ROUGH!
Pit finds the apparently-forgotten Magnus, pesters him like a dog by surprise buttsecks. Magnus takes ring, throws it away and walks away. Pit is whimpering like an idiot. Magnus shrugs and puts the ring on, indirectly giving Pit his body. The nerfness of Magnus's stupid sword is just ridiculous for the gameplay in general. Magnus is not happy. Pit is. The game pulls off the impossible: three years time skip. All the goofyness of the previous chapters makes all players feel horrified. Writer wonders why Magnus did not gain a beard. Minion Mart had a big sale in monster tank prices. Centurions are still evil and useful for the forces of evil. Centurions being useful? What madness is this? Pit does an unsuccessful Magnus impression. Magnus is not amused. Soufflés like hot springs. Hot spring weirdly heals Magnus. PANTS OFF! Fangirls scream and faint.
Hard boss fight ensues against Pit's soulless body. Writer blames Magnus' lack of Powers and charged ranged shot. Don't get Magnus started on the Centurions being strong below Intensity 9.0. Pit gets his body back. Pleas to Palutena for the Power of Flight and gets it.
EXCEPT it is not from her, but from Nintendo Bitch 1# Viridi because anything Palutena does Viridi can do better. Palutena and Skyworld turned evil. Pit does not believe the truth. Just as expected from her overall trollish behavior, Palutena DID turn evil. Pit is extremely ashamed. The angel slams into a super barrier and thus cannot go for Palutena. Viridi loans her base of operations to Pit. The fandom goes to work harder than ever.
Chapter 19: My Little Chariot: Friendship is Lightning
Pit and Viridi form a plan: steal the Lightning Chariot from the Chariot Master to bypass Palutena's Temple. Viridi knows how to make Pit her bitch. She likes the cannonball act. Pit makes a good cannonball impression and blasts off into infinity and beyond. Hades returns and wishes to get the chariot to impress the hot goddesses. Viridi foolishly thinks she is hot and denies loving him. A lot of chaos invades the really, really tall Lightning Chariot Base.
Chariot Master is not happy with everybody barging into his home. Pit proves to be extremely impatient while trying to reach the top. The Chariot Master has an Aether Ring because it is obvious. He did not say anything. Are we there yet? The Chariot Master likes Donkey Kong. Are we there yet? Hades does not stop deploying troops that have no real weaknesses against the tower's traps that are actually a big disadvantage to Pit. Are we there yet? The Chariot Master is a nerdy gear head. Are we there yet? Bowling area. Are we there yet? Yes, Pit reaches a maze. Are we there yet?
A loading scene sequence later, Hades teases Pit and reveals he is not behind Palutena's sudden evil change. Are we there yet? Viridi is about to lose it with Pit. They reach Lightning Chariot training track. Pit over-joy-gasms at huge hot spring. Viridi is also a fan of hot springs. Fanfic writers go to work. Pit reaches the top at last SO HE CAN STOP ASKING VIRIDI IF THEY ARE THERE YET.
Rather moderate boss fight ensues against the master and his ponies. The Chariot Master proves to be the only sane man of the whole story, relates a sorrowful story of his life. He dies. Pit gets a new horse stead. Did I mention both horses are unicorns?
Chapter 20: Evil Palutena's Temple
Pit rides the Lightning Chariot through space. Pit cannot handle the super speed. Viridi is deaf and makes it go faster. Viridi finally reveals what is causing the whole commotion: the Chaos Kin that Pit and Palutena released back in Chapter 13. Massive facepalm ensues. The Chaos Kin latched onto Palutena (eww) and made her turn Pit into a ring. Pit cannot believe it.
Lightning Chariot breaks through barrier. Phospora returns and nabs the Lightning Chariot for herself. Many Phospora fans think dirty thoughts about this small action. Palutena giddily states how humanity has been a real pain in the ass for her after all the "protection" she has given to it, and by protection, we know she means Pit coming back after 25 years. Pit constantly argues about all the times he risked his pretty face for her. Viridi cannot stop her commentary. Phospora should shut up too. Viridi offers Pit a spot for a general. He argues that he is commander material. Pit calls Palutena a fake whenever she talks. Exo-Tank is a trike. Pit cannot stop talking to Hades cuz he is so annoying. Time to beat Palutena!
Rather hard boss fight ensues. All players mistakenly hurt Palutena on the spot, getting an earful by Viridi, who gets more hate than before. Was not Viridi hell bent on killing Palutena a few chapters back and would rather wish the two kill each other? Uh, anyway. After getting facts straight, the Chaos Kin is defeated…not until it steals Palutena's soul with its pincer (grooooooooss!), turning her into granite (if getting your soul ripped out causes that effect) kind of like in the second game nobody cares about. Chaos Kin flees into the Chaos Vortex. Shit just got even more serious in this story.
Chapter 21: Hellish Chaos Kin of Hell
Pit enters the bizarre dimension. True to its name, the Chaos Vortex is a vortex of chaos. Random colored eyes freak everybody out. Pit and Viridi go on a crazy chase to find the Chaos Kin. Shadow Pits are not as handsome as Pit. He deserves more of Viridi's insults. WILD CHAOS KIN CHASE ACROSS UH ER UM DIMENSIONS WITHIN DIMENSIONS. And it is down…to a place.
Land battle suddenly turns into a gauntlet of waves of enemies one after another. Aurum enemies pull off Mr. Game & Watch impressions. Don't shoot, don't melee, don't shoot. Bumpety Bombs are cute. Viridi loves her Bumpety Bombs. Ornes, them Ornes. Pit and Viridi successfully spread Metroid/Kid Icarus rumors. Dark Pit joins the fray. Viridi thinks it will be a cakewalk with his help. Fat chance because the developers thought it was good idea to turn Friendly Fire ON. Pit likes eating his friends like Glutters. The two Pits show their freaky mind connection with pre-boss battle cry. Ooooh yeeeeeeah.
Moderate boss fight ensues against the cockroach of evil, mostly because the Chaos Kin likes running everywhere. Every player kills Dark Pit. After the fight, Pit and Palutena reunite. Their faces are way too close. Chaos Kin takes Dark Pit with him into the abyss. Pit says screw you, time limit, and dives down to rescue his not-so evil twin. Did Dark Pit say help me for once? Hot chicken wings are obtained as Pit saves Dark Pit.
Holy freaking shit, wingless angel bones! EWW! A-ahem, Pit is taken out of commission. Goodness, graphic shot of scorched feathers. Is a tip of the bones still burning hot? GROSS. Every player has nightmares because of this simple scene, cannot decide whether to cry or back away.
Chapter 22: Ugly-Looking Scorched Feathers and Sexy-Sexy Villainesses
Dark Pit replaces Pit. The whole party breaks into the Underworld to restore Pit's graphic scorched feathers by using the Rewing/Play/Forward Spring to cheat death. It is pretty dirty business coming from a goddess. Chapter becomes Air Battle only due to Dark Pit's infinite Power of Flight. Mass cheering ensues. Viridi is disappointed. Mass booing ensues. Hades appears, Dark Pit gives a shit about him. Survival of the fittest is still applicable even in the Underworld. Viridi is pleased like a psycho killer.
The trio makes a shocking discovery: Hades has got an infinite army of underlings due to constant war and massive bloodshed. Dark Pit calls them all out for their useless wars (somebody FINALLY pointed that out). Viridi, like the bitch she is, denies the crime. Palutena DOES accept the facts but even then she just needed Pit for her side of destruction. Hades is pissed for once. Trio makes it to the Rewind Spring. Dipping into the water would cause pretty weird things to happen. Many fans wish to see baby Pit.
Dark Pit arrives at the spring and then gets a seizure. Surprise! Pandora's essence is revived due to spring. She is utterly pissed like crap for being captive in Dark Pit's wings. Dark Pit loses his godly flight powers. Easy boss fight ensues. Pandora dives into the spring for a while and turns into a human form: Felicia/Amazon Pandora. Massive male drooling and extremely provocative fanart pop up. All ladies should eat their hearts out. Rather hard boss fight ensues. Hades squicks at the thought of Pit getting the SAME treatment as Pandora. Everybody has sick mental images of Pit wearing a tight white bikini. DEAR GOD I'M THINKING IT TOO NOW. DAMMIT!
Shirtless Pit makes many a fangirl faint. To make a point, he was NOT shirtless in the previous chapter. Suspicious. He revives. Dark Pit jumps to his death. Writer laments Viridi's base disappearance over Palutena's.
Chapter 23: Hades' Godly Belly
The final battle is about to begin. Three Sacred Treasures return, which means the air battle portion is littered with Ornes like crazy. Hades is ass poor and thus cannot afford a roof. SURPRISE BLOW! Pit. Hades. Pit. Hades. Pit. Hades. Pit. Hades. Hades is all giddy about the Three Sacred Treasures then promptly destroys them all. Proceeds to swallow Pit whole into his belly.
Pit finds himself in womb world alone. He is mortified at the thought of being pooped out by Hades. It is harder than Hades thought it would be, so eww. Pit never does realize that would have been an easy escape route. Pure grossness ensues in the level. Pit slowly descends into pure insanity without Palutena on his side, reveals he is quite narcissistic. Hades can punch himself through and is a big eater. Heated argument ensues, which ends with Pit begging for mercy. Hades leaves Pit alone to fight Viridi. At least she is doing something useful. Pit is such an idiot. Pit shrugs at his insanity. Wasn't the plot acting all serious and dramatic before this?
Hardish boss fight ensues against Hades' adorable heart. Boss fight stage vaguely resembles Bomberman. Players cannot handle the rampaging heart of cuteness. Heart blows up and Pit is rescued by Dark Pit with the Lightning Chariot. Hades is annoyed for being left alone. Not having a heart anymore effectively and literally turns him into a Heartless.
Chapter 24: The One, I Mean, Three Trials
The duo embarks on a journey to get a new super weapon to fight Hades and meet the God of Snacks: Dyntos. Extreme weirdness occurs with every single kind of enemy being together to murder Pit. Dyntos appears. He is quite the ol' funny ol' man. Pit is completely rude. Palutena is sorry for his attitude, NOT hers as always. Three Sacred Treasures are defective, Dyntos is butthurt about this. Random weapons turn against Pit.
Pit undertakes three trials for his new toy, feels the entire universe is fighting him. He fights the Phoenix once more. Dyntos laments Phoenix's defeat on the hands of a flea like Pit. ORNES! MIMICUTIE TRAPS! REAPER! Writer suspects suspicious strong enemy placement. Silent Cragalanche shows up again. Plot reveals Dyntos is the most powerful god there is with the ability to create anything. Why is he not ruling the entire universe? Just like Thanatos, he is an old lazy bastard. Stupid Aurum saucer gives players a headache. The hell is that Monoeye so resistant? Random Kraken boss shows up yet again. Pit tries to trick Dyntos about the amount of trials, fails miserably.
The real Magnus and a very conscious Dark Lord Gaol tag-team against Pit. Gaol has effectively turned into a badass girl in a (cursed) armor. Where have I heard this similarity before? Pit overpowers both. Palutena shows up to fight. Her attitude pretty much tricks all players to believe she is messing with Pit…then her face melts. AHH, UGLY PALUTENA ON MY TOUCH SCREEN.
Dyntos shows Pit his new toy: a mobile Transformer. Sentient Great Sacred Treasure attacks him. Rather hard boss fight ensues. Palutena comes back, feeling pretty high for some reason. Pit gets his new Transformer.
Chapter 25: Definitely The Final Chapter, no, for real
Viridi gets her popcorn and everything. Bitch. A very, very ridiculous epic fight of stupid massive proportions erupts between Pit and Hades. The player feels like he is playing a pretty real Dragon Ball Z-like fight, which beats the horrible rehashes from said series' games as of today. I mean, seriously? Kinect Dragon Ball Z? Become a SAIH-yan? Back in the actual game, Pit's Great Sacred Treasure continuously gets ripped apart to pieces, only for some ridiculous mode to change the crippled treasure into yet another machine of mass destruction. Hades' godly body of mass destruction + skin turrets is perfect for weddings, flies at high speed to the surface and then becomes half the man he used to be, and then he goes back into being a man.
After many machine modes, Pit falls down close to a cliff overlooking a sunset. A cliff overlooking a sunset? Why is this so strangely familiar? Hades charges his shoot da whoop. Medusa makes a surprise guest appearance and punches Hades hard. She dies for real again. Pit is left to use the ultimate online multiplayer weapon: the Dragoon-expy Daybreaker, flawed uncharged Great Sacred Treasure edition. Many players die due to low health, getting sweet, profitless revenge. Viridi gives everybody their happy ending, but she will still fuck humanity if they screw up again. Every god in the game is labeled selfish, everybody laughs. Real credits roll in with all the obnoxious bosses showing up. Hades dies for real.
Almost every player is impatient. Hades laments his misfortune in The End screen, thinks Pit is the most powerful Nintendo character, not even minding the fact Kirby is stronger than Pit. This little biased fact erupts many heated "Pit VS. Insert Name Here" topics in Gamefaqs. He threatens to delete hard-earned save data, then fails. Whines for Pit making all ladies weep about the loss of Hades' smexy purple body. A new Kid Icarus is hinted to be released in 25 years. Hades then becomes a self-explanatory tutorial about the great ways of replay value the game has, labels the game his favorite game ever unlike cheap EuroGamer who gave the game a freakin' 5.
Fourth Smash Bros. undergoes development at last. The internet explodes with excitement. Here we go, tier list wars!
Data reveals a new summary will come up in the next 25 years… Perhaps.
If there is a shipper who got kind of ticked off with the shipping jokes... Well, take a joke into heart!