A/N: Quick one-shot drabblesque ficlet. A moment of epic win for Harry. Read and *Review*!
"Harry, stop laughing!" said Bill, appearing to be scandalised.
"Yes, 'ear that, Fred, ungrateful little whelp he is!" said George, while everyone now rolled their eyes at the disgusting ear joke.
"This talk is important to you, Harry," said Charlie, "sex is an important part of your life, and you need to know how to pleasure a woman properly!"
"Which is why you waited until I had parted ways with your sister and then decided to give me the talk at the Breakfast table the day before my birthday?"
Next to him, Ginny glowered. Harry realised that he was getting into deep waters and tried to look apologetic.
Ron, however, lived up to his legendary tactlessness. "Yes," he said emphatically, "every Weasley and honorary Weasley gets the talk the day before their birthday, and as long as you don't use it on my sister, you get it too!"
"Honestly, Ronald –" began Hermione.
This was definitely not how the Harry had imagined the morning would go – what really irked him, though, was that none of the Weasley clan –not even Ginny or Molly - had shown any inclination of leaving the table when the brothers had started giving him an impromptu version of the talk while he was digging into a plate of sausages.
Soulless, sadistic redheads, he thought.
Outwardly, he stood up, and cleared his throat. "Thank you for your concern, but I don't need that Talk, really."
There was instant uproar.
"Not need the talk? The Weasley talk? The most accomplished lovers in all of Britain?"
"You really might want to hear this, Harry," said Arthur, a twinkle in his eye, as he noted his youngest son getting ribbed, "it is quite – handy." Beside him, Molly blushed red, and the Weasleys roared with laughter, wiggling their fingers at Harry.
He snuck a quick look at his ex – girlfriend. She merely smirked at him – still showing the cool demeanour she'd kept every time she came across him – damn, she was enjoying this too.
"Hands, you say?" said Harry, raising his eyebrows.
Charlie nodded emphatically.
"Well, I still don't need it," he said, and raised his own hand to cut off the ensuing tirade. "You see, I speak Parseltongue."
Across the table from Bill, Fleur blushed and let out a quick "Mon dieu!" and eyed Harry appreciatively for a second.
Her fiancé raised an eyebrow; something that made a Veela blush must be very arousing indeed. However, he didn't really care for the look she was giving Potter...
"Well, what about it, mate?" said Ron, and even Hermione, the smartest witch of her age, appeared puzzled as to how that could help Harry with his skills.
"Oh, just something I discovered over the summer while honing some of my skills to use in battle. You see," he leaned forward a bit, and the Weasleys mirrored him unconsciously, Ginny only remembering to keep her elbow out of the butter dish, again. "As a Parselmouth, I can make my tongue elongate, widen, curl, flick, swish, fold in on itself, apply a force of suction ten times more powerful than a normal human...and most importantly," he paused, looking at the Weasleys.
The brothers' eyes were as round as Galleons, their mouths opening and closing like goldfishes.
However, next to him, Ginny had a glazed look on her face – he swore he could see a spot of drool on the corner of her mouth.
"Most importantly," he continued smugly, "I can make my tongue..." all the Weasleys leaned forward again, even Ginny, who shook herself a bit before doing so, "vibrate." And he smoothly got up and walked out the door into the garden.
"Ginny, GINNY!" Mrs. Weasley rushed over to her daughter, who was passed out clean on the floor.
"IS SHE ALRIGHT?"
"WHY IS THAT SCARY GRIN STUCK ON HER FACE?"
"HOW IS SHE DROOLING WHILE SHE'S UNCONSCIOUS?"
"POTTER YOU BASTARD, I'LL KILL YOU IF IT'S PERMANENT!"
"SHUT UP! Reenervate!"
Ginny sat up, a goofy, foolish grin on her face. "Vibrate," she said to herself, and then her face lit up like a beacon as she imagined exactly where Harry could put his vibrating tongue. Her breathing heavy, she repeated again, "Vibrate!"
Her eyes widened to the size of saucers before she suddenly jumped up, her eyes blazing, bowling over everyone who was bending over her –
"OI! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?"
"Ear now, what's wrong with you?"
Ignoring all the gits, she ran out to the front door, where she saw the distinct black haired figure strolling down to the paddock, his hands in his pockets.
"POTTER!" her voice carried clearly over the grounds, "YOU BLOODY WELL BETTER COME BACK TO ME AFTER THE WAR IS OVER, YOU HEAR ME?"
Harry, his back turned, only gave a two fingered salute in reply, and continued ambling down the path, now grinning.
A/N: There you go, my contribution for Harry Potter day! :D REVIEW!