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Chapter Four: Tiger Problems

Phil twisted his head to take a glance at the backseat where Aria and Alan were checking for clues before facing the road again as he asked, "Anything?"

Stu grimaced as he tossed a half smoked cigar to the side from the passenger seat, "Hmm, I got a cigar."

"Oh, I found, uh...These are some black shoes." Alan remarked as he held up the shoes up for them all to see.

"They women's shoes?"

Aria shook her head knowing no women in their right mind would wear those types of shoes, "Women would not wear shoes as ugly as those."

Phil frowned as he wondered who exactly they were with last night or whether they had actually stolen some poor hobbit man's shoes, "Whose are those?"

Stu shrugged and turned the shoes over to check for a size, "I don't know. It's a men's size 6.

"That's weird."

Aria watched in morbid fascination as Alan poked around the floor before pulling out something wet and slimy looking, "What the hell is that?" She paused and gagged as she realised it was a used condom, "Oh my god, Alan put it down!"

Alan apparently hadn't realised exactly what he was holding as he jiggled it around, "What is this, a snakeskin?"

Stu twisted around to get a better look and immediately wished he hadn't, "Oh, come on! Ew!"

Phil rolled his eyes at the younger man's complete obliviousness and explained, "That's a used condom, Alan."

Alan tossed it to the front of the car in response and laughed as it landed on Stu's shoulder who immediately freaked out and attempted to pick it up without touching it for too long.

"Oh, God. Belch!"

"Get it out of the car." Phil ordered more than disgusted that they were playing around with a condom; a condom that they didn't know who had used.

Alan shrieked as the condom was tossed back at him, hitting him on the forehead with a wet smack, "Gross, it's wet."

Aria put a hand to her mouth as she fought the urge to be sick; she was in a state of disbelief that they were just playing around with someone's condom. She felt even more queasy when she realised it was extremely likely that it belonged to her and Phil, given that it was becoming extremely obvious they had sex the night before, "This is disgusting."

Phil retched when it eventually made its way onto his shoulder and exclaimed, "I got jizz on me. Jesus Christ, guys!"

Stu sniggered as he watched his struggle to drive and remove the condom at the same time, "It's probably yours and Aria's anyway."

Aria scowled and slapped him weakly on the back of the head, "Hey! It could be yours and your wife's!"

Stu paled when he realised she could be right, "Oh, my God."

Phil let out an aggravated sigh as he jerked the car off of the road and onto the side, immediately flinging the condom out of the window as soon as he stopped, "All right, what the fuck, man? We gotta get this shit together, guys!"

Alan opened his mouth to respond before a thud stopped him, he turned to the others in the car as he asked, "What was that?"

Stu's brows furrowed when the thud sounded again, "It's in the trunk." His eyes widened in realisation as he fumbled for the door handle, "Doug's in the trunk."

The car exploded into action as soon as the words left his mouth, everyone frantically scrambling for a way out of the car. Aria winced when Alan basically body blocked her in his attempt to get out the car.

"Oh, fuck! Holy shit!"

"Holy shit!"

"Open it! Open it! Open it!"

Phil nodded frantically as he fumbled for the keys to open the trunk, "Okay, okay, okay."

Only when it eventually opened it wasn't Doug inside but another man, more specifically a naked man.

"Oh, God!"

The man reacted immediately by jumping onto Phil, his legs wrapped tightly around the taller man's shoulders as he hit him with a tyre iron before he dropped back down to the ground. Aria held her hands up in innocence as he turned his wild and frantic gaze on her.

"I'm a girl!" She shrieked and dashed to the other side of the car, not even attempting to help the others out.

They were three grown men and the naked guy was four foot nothing, he was shorter than her so surely they didn't need her help anyway. She was evidently wrong as she watched horrified as he knocked each of them to the ground and then again when any of them tried to get back up. She groaned as Alan attempted to appease the other man knowing that his attempt at negotiation would only end badly.

"Whoa. I'm with you, I'm with you!"

He swung his weapon like a sword before pointing it sternly at Alan, "You gonna fuck on me?"

Alan shook his head frantically, "Nobody's gonna fuck on you! We're on your side. I hate Godzilla! I hate him too. I hate him! He destroys cities!"

Phil groaned pathetically from the ground in an effort to make Alan stop talking but the other man continued on unconcerned.

"This isn't your fault. I'll get you some pants."

The only response he got was a tire iron to the face before the shorter man ran away from them without so much as looking back. Aria turned wide eyes to the rest of the group as she slowly made her way back around the car, attempting to stutter out something which failed to form into a sentence.

Phil rolled onto his stomach and tried to commando crawl towards her feet as he groaned in pain, "What the fuck was that?"

Stu made similar noises of pain as he pleaded, "I have internal bleeding. Somebody call 911."

Phil gripped onto Aria's thighs as he pulled himself into a sitting position and pressed his forehead against her as her hand tangled itself into his hair and made soothing motions in some form of comfort.

"Who was that guy? He was so mean."

"Guys, there's something I need to tell you. Last night on the roof before we went out…" Alan started looking sheepish, "...I slipped something in our Jägermeister."


Aria shook her head in disbelief, "Alan, please be joking right now!"

"I'm sorry, I fudged up, guys."

Stu stared back at him before calmly asking, "You drugged us?"

"No, I didn't drug you. I was told it was ecstasy."

"Well, who told you it was ecstasy?"

"The guy I bought it from at the liquor store."

Aria pursed her lips in annoyance that they were even discussing who gave him it instead of why he bought it for them in the first place, "We're just accepting the fact that he meant to give us ecstasy?"

Stu evidently agreed with her, "Why would you give us ecstasy?"

Alan's shrug was almost unnoticeable as he struggled to explain, "I wanted everybody to have a good time and I knew you guys wouldn't take it. It was just one hit each. I used to do three hits a night."

"But it wasn't ecstasy, Alan it was roofies!" Stu stressed beginning to lose the calm he had forced upon himself.

"You think I knew that, Stu? The guy I bought it from seemed like a real straight shooter."

Aria groaned as she ran a hand across her face in exasperation, "What is wrong with you?"

"Yeah, you mean the drug dealer at the liquor store wasn't a good guy?"

Phil sighed when he realised the situation was escalating even further, "Let's just calm down."

Stu's face began to redden as his temper flared and he pointed an accusing finger at all of them as he ranted, "You fucking calm down! He drugged us. You fucked Aria. We trashed our room. I lost a tooth. I married a whore."

"That's not- We don't know that -" Aria stuttered, embarrassed that this was getting brought up again.

Alan only seemed to take offence to Stu calling his stripper wife a whore, "How dare you! She's a nice lady."

"You are such a fucking moron."

"Your language is offensive." Alan pointed out with a slight whine to his voice.

"Fuck you!"

Phil staggered to his feet and stepped in-between the two men to try and diffuse some of the tension that was building, knowing that the group falling out right now wouldn't help to find Doug, "All right, let's just take a deep breath, okay? Seriously, this is a good thing. At least it's not some stranger who drugged us for God knows what reason."

"Yeah, you're right, Phil, it's totally a good thing. We're so much better off now. Here's something I would like to remind you all of: Our best friend Doug is probably face down in a ditch right now...with a meth-head butt-fucking his corpse."

"That's highly unlikely."

"It's true."

"Does not help. All right, let's get our shit together, guys. Let's go back to the hotel and I'm gonna make a couple calls. Maybe Doug's back there. Maybe he's asleep." He thumped the car for emphasise and gestured for them to get in, "Come on. Let's go."

Alan clicked his fingers to get Stu's attention, "Stu? Little help?"

"Shut up." He snapped as he shoved his hand away in response and yanked open the car door unaware that Alan had leaned over directly in the doors path of movement.


Aria gaped from the other side of the car having heard the door smack off of Alan's head, "Stu! What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Oh, God. Oh, God, are you okay? I didn't mean to."

"Yeah, I'm fine."

Stu winced as he looked over the red mark on Alan's forehead, "Alan, I'm sorry."

Aria's hand was clutched tightly in Phil's as they all made their way down the hallway to their suite. She was entirely too tired to even think about fighting him on it and to be honest she was kind of grateful for the physical comfort. She was a little concerned that they none of them had said a word to each other since their earlier argument but she was tired of being the voice of reason on this trip and so let Phil take over for the time being.

Alan was the first one to break the silence with what she considered to be a very reasonable question, "Wait, guys. What about the tiger? What if he got out?"

Phil threw his head back in aggravation having completely forgotten about it, "Oh, fuck. I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger. How the fuck did he get in there?"

Aria shrugged when he looked at her, "I don't know I've not even seen the tiger yet."

"And I don't know because I don't remember." Stu added completely deadpan as he looked at Alan.

"Shh. Stu. Stu, keep it down."

Alan nodded in response, "Because one of the, uh, side effects of, uh, roofies is memory loss."

Stu face went slack in shock, "You are literally too stupid to insult."

"Thank you."

Aria rolled her eyes and nudged Phil so he would get on with it and open the door. She was praying to every god that she knew existed that Doug would just be standing in the middle of the room wondering where the hell they had been the whole day.

"Hey. Hey, come on. Did we leave the music on?"

"I don't think so."

"Maybe the tiger did it."

Aria shook her head wondering not for the first time if Alan was mentally all there, "Are you for real?"

"Don't make any sudden movements."

Stu and Aria shrieked when they both collided with someone coming around the corner and she fell back against Phil whilst clutching Stu's arm in fright.

"Who the hell are you?"

"No, who are you?"

They were interrupted by another voice coming from within the room, "Quiet, quiet."

All of them stared and then blinked to make sure what they were seeing was real.

"Mike Tyson?

He waved his hands and shushed them, "Shh. This is my favourite part coming up right now." He air drummed before he gestured for them to join in with him as he sang along which they reluctantly did, "Need a chorus line, guys." He nodded at them again, "One more time, guys."

He smiled and then abruptly punched Alan in the face causing the other man to immediately drop to the floor knocked out cold.

"Oh, Jesus!"

"Oh, fuck!"

Aria dropped to her knees and tried to pull Alan's head into her lap without success, "Why did you do that?"

Who they assumed was Mike Tyson's bodyguard asked, "Mr. Tyson would like to know why his tiger is in your bathroom."

Phil held his hands up defensively as he tried to approach them, "Hold on, that was completely unnecessary. I'm a huge fan. When you knocked out Holmes that was..."


"All right, look, we were drugged last night. We have no memory of what happened."

Stu nodded as he backed up Phil's story, "It's true. We got in all kinds of trouble last night and now we can't find our friend. If you wanna kill us, go ahead because I don't care anymore."

Aria clamoured to her feet and socked Stu in the shoulder before gracing the two men with a wide nervous smile, "I care! I would very much like it if you didn't kill me."

Mike's bodyguard gave her a soft nod and patted her shoulder in return, "No worries, sweetheart."

"Um, yeah." Phil replied staring at the hand on Aria's shoulder before turning back to Stu, "What are you talking about?"

He shrugged in response, "I don't care."

The bodyguard shook his head, "Why the fuck would you wanna steal his tiger?"

"We tend to do dumb shit when we're fucked up."

Aria silently disagreed with them but held her tongue because she'd rather just stay out of the entire argument if she could.

"I don't believe these guys, man."

"Wait, how did you guys find us?"

He held up a black suit jacket in response, "One of you dropped your jacket. Found it in the tigers' cage this morning."

"That's Doug's."

Aria carefully tugged the jacket out of the larger man's arms and dug around in all the pockets to see if she could find anything that might give them a clue about Doug's whereabouts.

"Yeah, Doug. His wallet and his room key are in there."

"No, that's our missing friend."

"I don't give a fuck."

Aria frowned at them, "Rude."

"Did you guys see him?"

"I was fast asleep."

"Because if he was up, this wouldn't have gone down so smoothly."

Mike shrugged, "Maybe one of the tigers ate his ass like Omar."

"Respect." The one man replied whilst placing his hat over his heart before putting it back on.

Phil glanced worriedly at them before asking, "Wha...? What happened to Omar?"

"Oh, don't worry about Omar; he's not with us no more."

"Okay, I know this is asking a lot...but do you think we could go to your house and look around...see if there are any clues?"

"Absolutely. How else you think we're gonna get the tiger back anyway?"

"Come on, champ."

"I'm sorry?"

"We have to bring back your tiger?"

"Well we're not gonna put it in the Bentley. You brought it here, you bring it back."

"What you think, about 40 minutes?"

"Don't make me come back for him."

They watched them leave before Stu smiled a little and stated, "That was Mike Tyson."

"Yeah, no shit that was Mike Tyson."

"I'm just saying he's still got it."

Phil smiled falsely at him before pausing and patting him on the shoulder as he asked, "So you guys have the tiger thing handled right?"

"Why are you –" Stu started before following his line of sight and realised his eyes were glued to Aria's ass as she attempted to pick up some of their things that were littered around the floor, "Are you kidding, Phil?"

Phil licked his lips and titled his head to the side as he took in the view before startling as he realised Stu was talking to him, "What?"

"Now? You think now is a good time to try and hook up with Aria?"

Phil shrugged unashamed at his line of thought, "Well, I figure we could die getting this fucking tiger to Tyson so when do you suggest?"

Stu rolled his eyes and shoved him away, "Whatever, go away."

"Thanks buddy." Phil grinned and gave him thumbs up before sauntering over to Aria.

Alan walked up behind Stu, having woken up from his knockout and witnessed the conversation, "I don't get it."

"I'm surrounded by idiots."

Phil tucked his fingers down the back of Aria's jeans smiling when his fingertips brushed against lace.


She tipped her head back and smiled at him in greeting before letting out a quiet yelp when he roughly pulled her in the direction of the bedrooms, "What are you doing?"

He pushed her lightly into his previously unused room and closed the door behind him before stalking towards her and pushing off his suit jacket that she still wore, "Just don't think about, just do it."

"What-"She stared at him in complete bafflement before letting out a moan as his lips crashed against hers roughly, panting when they parted, "Oh."

He smirked and slid his hands under her top and over her ribs before pulling the material off, "Yeah."

She giggled and began tugging at the buttons of his shirt, whimpering as his blunt teeth nipped at the smooth skin between her neck and shoulder. Once she had successfully removed his shirt he went to work on her jeans and pulled the material from her legs none too gently cursing when they got tangled in her shoes. He kissed and bit her hip bones before getting a good look at her.

Her face was slightly flushed, her hair spread out below her and her lightly tanned skin was wrapped up in black lace, "Damn, you're beautiful."

She nibbled her bottom lip in nervousness before beckoning him closer, her legs wrapping tightly around his waist as she tugged him closer to her. He'd just started pulling down her underwear when the piano started from the living room and Stu's voice made its way around the room.

"What do tigers dream of when they take a little tiger snooze? Do they dream of mauling zebras or Halle Berry in her Catwoman suit? Don't you worry your pretty striped head we're gonna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed."

Phil groaned and dropped his head onto Aria's bare shoulder in utter annoyance, "Jesus Christ."

"And then we're gonna find our best friend Doug and then we're gonna give him a best-friend hug. Doug, Doug, Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug. If he's been murdered by crystal-meth tweakers…well, then we're shit out of luck."

Aria grimaced and wiggled out from beneath Phil, suddenly no longer in the mood when she realised that Doug was still missing and they were in danger of Mike Tyson kicking their asses if they didn't get him his tiger back in half an hour.

Phil held back a whimper of discontent when he spotted Aria tugging back on her jeans and top and mourned the loss of all her bare skin, "I'm going to kill him."