A/N I nothing, not even a cape.
A/N I was very pleasantly surprised at the maturity of the readers on this site with my BMWW parody. Thank you:)
Author's Note: Warning: OOCness and slight bashing is bound to occur. I love SMWW, but I'm getting a little miffed at the repetitive behavior. All the women clawing at Kal's pants, Diana giving her virginity away so quickly, and the boundless Lois bashing. So as promised, here is a PARODY of the fiction. Enjoy:)
Clark Kent walked down the hall with purpose, his head held proud and high as his boots smacked against the floor.
Suddenly, Fire ran out from behind a corner and jumped on his back. "Senhor Superhunk! I must have your children!"
Ah yes, another average day in the life of Kal. Women were always trying to have sex with him and fawning over his luscious ass. It could be so annoying at times. "Unhand me, you horny wench!"
She ignored him and continued to dry hump his back. "Sleep with me! Sleep with me!"
Clark flung her off his back and quickly raced into the Founders meeting room where he found Zatanna sitting on top of the table with her legs crossed. She batted her eyes at him flirtatiously and leaned back, sticking out her chest. "Mm, hey big boy."
"Um, hello. Now get the fuck off my table!"
"Fine, we won't use it." Zatanna sighed, "Care to have me against the wall or in midair?"
"What the hell is it with all these women wanting to sleep with me? Gawd!" Clark cried, racing out of his room and down the hall. On the way he dodged a particularly feisty Black Canary and Powergirl offering him a bed for the night.
Superman wasn't gay, really. Just because he hung out with mostly men, refused to sleep with the dozens of horny women harping for his body, and paraded around in tight Speedos didn't mean a thing.
He was bi-curious at best.
Clark finally arrived at the only apparent safe place in the world when it came to women: his bedroom. He quickly threw open the door barely managing to avoid a horny Vixen begging him to let her touch his glorious ass and raced inside.
Breathing heavily, he looked up to find Diana sitting on his bed calmly. "Hey Kal."
"Don't talk like that."
Clark's face suddenly contorted into fury as he slammed his fist against the wall. "Rao damn it, why does everyone tell me what to do! I'm my own man you assholes, and if I want to say old words or fly in Speedos or use my X-ray vision to see your tits during battle then I have a right to!"
"Hera, what on Earth has gotten into you?" Diana exclaimed, "I came in here to ask you a serious question and you throw a tantrum!"
Breathing heavily in an attempt to control his never ending anger that came from being sent to another planet at infancy and having his balls constantly being compressed by his uniform, Clark took a breath. "What is it?"
"What is a 'wiener'?"
Having grown up on an island filled with women where apparently any trace of men or basic biological knowledge of sex was missing, Diana tended to be a tad naive when it came to sex. And men. And women. And culture. And technology. And mystery meat.
Just yesterday Clark had found her attempting to swallow a popsicle in front of Wally after he told her it was an old American tradition used for summoning men to help women in need.
Diana took the crowd of men watching her slack-jawed as indication he was correct and decided to teach it to all her sisters for standard protocol if they ever visited America.
"A wiener is a childish term for a penis."
"What's a penis?"
"The male reproductive organ."
"Oh. Well then what are 'balls'?"
Clark groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Oh for the love of Rao...What did you come here for again?"
Her face suddenly became serious. "Kal, my good friend, I have a request for you. First off, do you have a twenty?"
He dug inside his pockets and pulled the crinkle bill out, holding it up in confusion. "Yes, why?"
Diana snatched it out of his hand and stuffed it in her cleavage. "Because I need a twenty. Also, are you aware Darkseid is attempting to blow up the moon? I need your help to stop him."
Clark looked at her intently for a few minutes. "Diana," He murmured softly, "Are you asking me to sleep with you?"
"What? No, I said I need-"
He pressed a finger against her lips. "Shh, no need to speak. I understand that watching me fly around in skin-tight spandex all day must be torturous for you. I can't say I don't feel a certain tension in my loins when I watch you fly around practically naked, either."
"I do not fly around practically naked! All you can see are my legs, thighs, arms, neck, face, upper cleavage, lower cleavage, ass, and back! Never, ever, do I show my wrists!"
"You're a beautiful woman, Diana. I suppose this was inevitable. Superman and Wonder Woman, getting together and getting down."
"Kal, that isn't what I said!"
"I read between the lines."
Diana stared at her friend. She had to admit there were times when Batman was out and Artemis was gone when Superman looked pretty damn good. Sure, he was a total goody-goody, but he was a goody-goody with a bad-boy body. She'd seen that bulge in his Speedo whenever there was Red Kryptonite around.
Outside, people were running and screaming as Darkseid's face shot through the sky in a hologram, threatening them for their lives. But civilian's screams were lost to the two heroes as Diana took a step closer. "Kal, I must admit that I find you attractive. There are times when I lay in Bruce's bed-I mean my bed alone and wish you were with me. After all, an electric toothbrush can only do so much for a woman."
Kal took a step forward and pulled her close. "Has anyone ever told you that you've got the sexiest feet in the world?"
"Er, I meant smile."
Though she was in every way a virgin, Diana suddenly was overcame with the lust as she pulled Kal onto his bed. She looked at the Batman comforter, framed photo of Bruce Wayne's Playboy photo, and blow-up Batman doll on Kal's dresser next to Lois's wedding dress and birth certificate. Diana couldn't quite put a finger on it, but it was almost like there were traces of Clark's other lovers in here.
It must have all been in her head.
Clark grunted as Diana pushed him down. He stared up at her lovely face and sighed with content. She was so beautiful. He should have known that when he caught her making out with Bruce or flirting with Steve Trevor that she really wanted him. After all, he had such a great ass.
Everyone knew Amazons were ass women.
Diana licked her lips as she straddled him, smiling. He looked so good underneath her, like a toy that needed to be broken in. Though she tended to lean more towards bats and women, Kal was irresistible.
The two quickly tore into each other as they gave into their passion. Two minutes later, they lay naked in his bed.
"...That's it? I expected more."
"Sorry, Red Kryptonite doubles it. It's normally smaller."
"I could tell." Diana huffed. Maybe she should have stuck to her electric toothbrush.
"Clark, I'm home!" Lois called through the house cheerfully. The reporter entered her bedroom and let out a scream as she saw her husband laying in bed naked with the Amazonian Princess.
"Why didn't you hear her come in?" Diana squeaked.
"Why didn't you make me a damned sandwich!" Kal retorted before looking up at his wife. "Um, hi."
"Hi? Hi! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!"
"Don't you dare yell at me, Lois!" Clark snapped, "You have no right! So I slept with another woman, big deal! You're bossy!"
"I'm bossy? That's your excuse!"
"Leave us alone, Lois! You're bossy, independent, and loyal! It's so annoying that I can't stand it! You drove me into her arms, Rao damn it! It's your fault for being mortal and not as beautiful as Diane!"
"Diana." Wonder Woman piped up.
"Clark, you ass!" Lois screamed.
His eyes turned red as he glared at her. "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, Lois."
Purple eyes blurred with tears, Lois turned on her heel and walked out of the room. "Fine, if that's how you want it, I'll leave."
As she stormed out of the room in agony, a bowling ball fell onto her head causing her to scream and teeter to a window at the exact moment a bullet shot through a wall and went through her back. Bloody and beaten, she tripped over a banana peel and fell out the open panels. While falling she was also diagnosed with cancer, AIDS, Gonorrhea, Huntington's, Down syndrome, Leukemia, and cooties before hitting the pavement.
As she lay there in a heap, an overweight man in a SUPERMAN + WONDERWOMAN = SUPERLOVE! T-shirt ran up and kicked her in the ribs.
Dying, Lois suddenly felt a gloved hand on her shoulder. "Shh, it'll be alright."
Her eyes widened in shock. "B-Batman."
The Dark Knight nodded. "SupesWondy Fan Fiction 101: Lois will always be beaten to a pulp. In this case it was physically. Now let's get out of here before they decide to use me and turn me into a dick."
"But Bruce, you are a dick."
"This me is the dickiest of dicks. Quick, before they have a child to kill you!"
As the two ran away, Diana and Clark turned to each other in his bedroom.
"That was great." Kal grinned, kissing her cheek. "I've fantasized about doing that to you forever, Ms. Star."
"Prince! I said Prince!"
Out of nowhere a portal ripped through the air and out stepped a beautiful woman with flowing blonde hair. She had a deep scowl set on her face as she faced the couple. "Diana."
"What in Gaea's name are you doing?" Queen Hippolyta demanded. "I said stick to black men, damn it!"
"I-I'm sorry, Mother. I couldn't control myself!" Diana said, "Mother, you know what they say! Once you go red you'll always share your bed."
"But to give away your virginity so quickly...!"
"Mother, please." Diana sighed with an eye roll. "You like totally don't get it. He's hot, what was I supposed to do?"
Hippolyta glared at her. "Invite me, damn it! You know I love three-ways!"
"Sweet." Kal grinned.
Diana opened her mouth to protest, but smiled instead. How could the most admired, independent woman-figure in the DCU expect to satisfy a man by herself? Obviously she was an idiot who needed to do whatever Kal said or wanted.
"You know what? That is a fabulous idea. Oh, ladies!" She whistled. The door opened as Vixen, Shayera, Canary, Fire, Batgirl, Karen Star, Kara, Zatanna, Catwoman, Mary Marvel, Galatea, Superwoman, Volcana, Morgan Le Fey, Artemis, Star Fire, Ice, Queen Bee, Wonder Girl, and Ma Kent all giggled into the room, smiling. "Kal obviously deserves to have every woman in the universe, and I feel we should reward him. Agreed?"
Kal leaned back with a smile as all the women climbed into his bed, showering him with affection and kisses. That Diane was something else, wasn't she? Or was it Donna? Oh, who cared!
Clark grinned and unzipped his pants. "Now this is why they call me the Man of Steel…"
A few Earth's away in the city of Springfield, Louis Lane, owner of The Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop was sitting in his backroom typing furiously on his PC.
Tap Tap Tap
Tap Tap Tap
"Comic Book Guy!"
The man's head snapped up. "What!"
"Do you have Crisis on Two Earth's?" A short blond boy wearing a red shirt and blue shorts asked impatiently.
The obese man sighed and crossed his arms. "Of course I have it, but I don't know why you'd want it."
"I've read all of Radioactive Man's comics." He shrugged, "And I don't want to actually read, then I'll be like Lisa."
The owner sighed and began to rummage around the back before returning with a thick comic book. "Here, Kingdom Come. Published in 1994 by Alex Ross and is in every way, shape, and form better than that trash you requested."
"Fine." He shrugged, handing over a dollar bill.
Louis snatched in up and raised an eyebrow as he looked the bill. "Why exactly is Lincoln eating a zombie on a ten dollar bill?"
"Because he was hungry?"
"This is counterfeit, Simpson! Come back when you have actual currency."
"Eat my shorts." The spiky-haired boy muttered under his breath as he walked out.
Louis sighed to himself as he made his way back to his private room and saved the document he was working on. He'd publish it later after he went through the most recent uploads on the site. Hopefully no one added anything with that monstrosity of a character known as Lois Lane...
His lips twitched into a frown as he took in all the new Batman/Wonder Woman fiction. Why people wasted their time with it when Bruce so obviously belonged to Selina Kyle he would never know. It was such a horrible pairing.
BMWW was always so unrealistic and OOC.
A/N A cookie to all who recognize old Comic Book Guy from a certain cartoon;) Also, I tried to add a lesson here: Every ship fan thinks stories about other ships are terrible even if they make the same mistakes. We all do it, and maybe we should stop.
But enough with the Mr. Rogers lessons and crap. This is a parody. P-A-R-O-D-Y parody! As in not to be taken seriously. As in I made it this way on purpose. Try to remember that before you flame, which I won't tolerate after marking this as a parody so many times.
And as always, let me know what you think with a review my lovely readers. It's always appreciated:)