Disclaimer: If you can sue me for owning it, I don't.
Pairings: Squalo/Yamamoto, mentions of Mukuro/Bel
Summary: In which Bel is unhelpful, and Squalo forgets his anniversary.
A/N: ...fluffiest crack I ever did see.
Superbi Squalo had committed a Dreadful Mistake and didn't know what to do about it.
The problem was, he'd never been in a Long-Term Relationship before, unless one included that Thing with Xanxus that didn't really count, because Xanxus was Xanxus and therefore it hadn't been a real relationship, just more of some indefinable Having-Lots-Of-Sex Thing that hadn't lasted and had never made much sense anyway. But as of now, Squalo was in fact in a relationship, with a (relatively) normal person, who, being a (relatively) normal person, probably actually cared about Normal Relationship Things that Xanxus had never cared about.
Or, more to the point, Forgotten Anniversaries.
It had happened this way: Lussuria and Levi had been going over their past hits, trying to impress Fran, and had been discussing one in particular. Squalo had no recollection of that specific kill, so he'd wracked his brains and tried to recall what exactly he'd been doing then. Whereupon he'd promptly remembered that he'd been in Japan, and that-
His one-year anniversary had been five days ago.
Superbi Squalo had not panicked. Members of the Varia did not panic. Squalo had attributed his silent flailing in the corner to seizures brought on by muscular overuse as part of a new training regimen and had promptly departed to go sit in his room in silence and not panic.
At first, he tried to convince himself that it didn't matter. It wasn't like they'd been married for a year or anything. They'd just been dating. Dating anniversaries didn't matter, right? Nobody actually cared about them. It would be totally fine if he just pretended this had never happened.
Except what if his partner actually did remember? What if he actually cared? What if this was to be the basis of their first actual relationship-motivated fight? Somehow, Squalo would prefer not to start their long-anticipated Epic Duel over a forgotten anniversary. It seemed undignified somehow.
What he really needed, he realized, was advice. Unfortunately, there was no one he could ask. Levi would be too depressed over the fact that Squalo had a love life while he, Levi, had so far failed to score with Xanxus. Lussuria would just suggest killing his partner and having a far more peaceful relationship with the corpse. Mammon would inform him that there was no money involved, so why was he bothering, anyway? Fran was too young to know anything. Bel would just laugh at him and inform him that he'd never had relationship problems, which was true, because if Bel's partners didn't forgive him everything as was his princely right, Bel would just break up with them.
Or murder them with his knives.
And Xanxus wouldn't be any help either, because he'd just throw a (jealous) fit about Squalo being in a relationship with one of Sawada Tsunayoshi's little minions.
Squalo sighed miserably. It was time to go to Japan. He'd figure something out along the way. On his own. By himself.
Xanxus didn't ask any questions about Squalo's apparently random decision to take one of the Varia's private jets to Japan. Despite the fact that he was their commander, all the Varia had their own little eccentricities that it was just better not to ask too many questions about, and Squalo's recent tendency to make mysterious visits to Japan was a lot easier to handle than Lussuria's penchant for decorating corpses, or Bel's propensity to draw complicated mathematical diagrams of knives and wire all over the walls in bright pink crayon.
It was Bel who offered to drive him to the hangar. Squalo accepted with some misgiving, because there was a glint to Bel's smirk he didn't quite like. (And also because he was never entirely sure that Bel could actually see the road, what with all his hair. Still, he'd never crashed into anything. Yet.)
"Ushishishishi," said Bel, grinning, as he backed out of the driveway of the castle. "So you've had a lover's spat, have you?"
Squalo nearly choked on his own spit. "Voiiii!" he said loudly. "What would you know about lover's spats?"
Bel laughed again, which meant absolutely nothing, since Bel tended to laugh at everything. Creepily. "You're off to Japan again," he said brightly. "But you're not happy. Therefore..."
"Shut up," snarled Squalo, glaring out the window. Damn Bel for being so perceptive, anyway. "I have not had a lover's spat."
"Shishishi," Bel said again, his grin growing wider. "I don't know what you see in him anyway."
"Voiiii," Squalo said again, louder. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Yamamoto Takeshi," said Bel cheerfully in a sing-song tone of voice. He gave Squalo a sly, sidelong glance. "Must be all the swordplay."
"EYES ON THE ROAD!" roared Squalo, glad that his hair was covering his ears, which were probably bright red right now. "ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US?"
"Che," said Bel dismissively, looking back to where he was going, much to Squalo's relief. "There must be something about him. He seems so...bland."
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT," said Squalo, with deafening volume, as if this would somehow fix the problem of Bel's being a observant genius and noticing everything he wasn't supposed to.
"Whatever," said Bel, unperturbed. "Must be something more to Sawada's henchmen than meets the eye. Perhaps I should try one of them."
"PLEASE DO NOT," Squalo told him, certain that this idea could only end in woe.
"Ushishi," Bel chuckled, smirking. "Jealous? Don't worry, I'll leave you your little baseball player. He's too boring for me. I want someone with a little more...flavour. More flair. Like..." He considered for a moment, then said, with relish: "Rokudo Mukuro."
"PLEASE DO NOT DATE ROKUDO MUKURO," Squalo snarled at him. There were a few of Sawada's minions that could dice Bel up into tiny little bits, and Mukuro was one of them. As annoying and disturbing as Bel was sometimes, Squalo generally preferred him alive and whole.
He was much more useful that way.
"Fine," said Bel, and pouted. "There isn't anyone else interesting though! They're all either too humourless... too weak. Mukuro, now, he's pretty. He has style, and humour, and great hair, and- and- and-" Bel waved his hands in the air in elaborate circles for emphasis.
"HANDS ON THE WHEEL!" Squalo howled at him, clutching his seatbelt in terror. "VOIIII!"
Bel shot him a resentful glance, and lowered his hands back to the steering wheel. "And charm," he concluded. "Mukuro has charm."
Somehow, Squalo didn't think that Bel's idea of charm was quite the same as his own. "Please do not attempt to seduce Rokudo Mukuro," he ordered Bel. "I don't want to clean up the mess."
Bel gave him a pleading look. "Maybe you could just slip in a word for me, while you're there?" he asked hopefully.
"NO," said Squalo as loudly as possible, which was loud enough to make even Bel wince in pain. "I REFUSE. SHUT UP AND DRIVE."
"Fine," said Bel, pouting, and sulked the rest of the way there.
Squalo's plan amounted to this:
One: Buy Yamamoto flowers and chocolate, because when one was trying to make up for something in a relationship, one bought flowers and chocolate.
Two: Take Yamamoto out to eat somewhere nice and expensive, because one did that sort of thing on one's anniversary, and they might as well celebrate it late, since Squalo had forgotten to celebrate it in the first place.
Three: Go on a Moonlit Stroll and apologize profusely for forgetting such an Important Date.
Four: Hope it all turned out well.
Squalo was not particularly fond of this plan, feeling that it was somehow unmanly and likely to backfire. He was certain that there had to be a better way to fix this situation.
This explained why he ended up waiting outside of Yamamoto's house, holding a chocolate box in one hand, and large bouquet of roses in the other. (Squalo liked roses. They had thorns.)
"Ah, Squalo!" said Yamamoto brightly when he discovered him there. "Are those for me?"
"YES," said Squalo uncomfortably. Yamamoto didn't seem angry. Maybe it was the flowers. Maybe it was the chocolate. Maybe it was Yamamoto's general idiocy. Maybe this plan was going to work after all.
"Why, thank you!" Yamamoto exclaimed, taking the bouquet and the chocolate box, beaming. "Come on in!"
Squalo followed him inside, rather off-balance by the lack of the Epic Confrontation he had expected. Yamamoto kept up a cheerful babble of news and small-talk, which mostly consisted of baseball, as he found a pitcher full of milk, emptied the milk, filled the pitcher with water, and put the roses in the still-slightly-milky water. Squalo paid no attention, instead focusing on trying to remember how exactly he'd decided to phrase his subtle and romantic dinner invitation to Yamamoto.
In the end, he went with: "VOIIIII! DO YOU WANT TO GO TO DINNER WITH ME?"
To which Yamamoto smiled happily and said: "Yes, of course!"
The dinner went as well as any dinner with the two of them ever went, what with the waiters hushing Squalo politely every few minutes, and Yamamoto persuading him that threatening them with his sword wouldn't help matters any, no matter how satisfying it might be. Squalo decided that Yamamoto hadn't spent enough time with the Varia; Bel had only to dangle a few knives and giggle eerily for him to get his way, and a glare from Xanxus was sufficient persuasion of anything.
After the dinner, they went walking in a suitably romantic garden, in the dark. The moon, Squalo discovered, much to his consternation, was covered by clouds, and the park, despite the romantic bushes here and there, was also inhabited here and there by delinquent teenagers smoking weed (as well as other, more terrible-smelling things). Yamamoto hadn't appeared to notice this less than romantic setting, fortunately.
"Thank you for a lovely date," Yamamoto was saying cheerfully, leaning into his side and winding his fingers together with Squalo's. Squalo was profoundly glad only oblivious teenage drug addicts were here to see this.
"Voiiii," he said, somewhat less loudly than usual. "An acceptable outing for an anniversary?"
"Anniversary?" Yamamoto blinked, looking confused, then laughed and grinned. "Oh, is that today? I'd forgotten all about it!"
"VOOOOOOIIIIIIII!" howled Squalo, permanently deafening the delinquents lurking in the bushes, and very nearly had an aneurysm then and there.
"You're the best boyfriend ever," Yamamoto said adoringly, and kissed him full on the lips, which really should not have made everything better at all.
(Except that it totally did.)
"So," said Bel, when Squalo had returned to Italy. "Did you make up?"
Squalo grinned a very satisfied shark's grin. "Voiii," he said cheerfully. "Absolutely."
"Ushishishishi," laughed Bel, a wicked glint in his eyes. "You must tell me everything."
"I refuse," said Squalo loftily, not at all willing to share either his disturbingly mushy feelings towards Yamamoto Takeshi, exactly how traumatic the experience of having Relationship Issues had been.
At least, he reassured himself, it would be the last Traumatic Relationship Thing he would have to deal with for a long, long while.
And then Bel and Rokudo Mukuro got married.