A/N: Let me preface this by saying I haven't been inspired like this in the longest time. Circa season 2 or 3. Seriously. So this is momentous. Also, I haven't watched the show since 5x15. The only information I have is what I've seen on Tumblr. That being said, this is a sort of 5x22 piece that I just had to write. Here we go!
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me. Lyrics belong to "Signs" by Bloc Party. Characters are from Gossip Girl, of course. This is unbeta-ed. I just had to get this out. Also, the story came out exactly at 500 words. WEIRD!
Do you remember? Do you remember how I held you in the dark? I was the only one to ever see you cry. You held onto my arm and I held you and we were curled together in something I could never explain after.
I still can't.
Two ravens in the old oak tree
One for you and one for me
Bluebells in the late December
I see signs now all the time
Even when I'm with him, I can't. That's not what I'm with him for and I still can't define it. You and I were something else. We are something that I can never explain. That's why I can't say it when they ask. I don't know what we are. But I know it's special and I know I'll never have it again.
Not with anyone else.
The last time we slept together
There was something that was not there.
You never wanted to alarm me.
But I'm the one that's drowning now.
I'm lost. And you make me feel even more lost. Looking at you so sure of yourself while I'm drowning, drowning, drowning. You can't hold my hand.
I won't let you.
Because you're pulling and I'm pushing and I finally taste what I remember in something like a distant dream.
I have to lie to you. Not about that, not about us. I have to just lie to you. I remember how we held each other and you aren't the lost one. I am.
I can't bear you to be lost again. Then we'll both be lost and I won't know what's an anchor and what's the quicksand pulling me down like I have been for so long.
Oh my god.
I don't understand. I'm so lost, I see the visage before me and I crack. You come, you hold my hand and it's like we're intertwined in that bed again.
I'm lost again.
At your funeral, I was so upset
Will you say it? Will you say it like I did? You were so lost again and I can't imagine what you'll be like now.
I'm lying to you now but it isn't like the lies he's woven through your psyche for three years. So much damage and I don't want you to be unable to recover. I want you to be this strong person you are now. The one I don't deserve.
But you'll crumble.
Please don't make me.
Please, please, please.
Don't make me. I can't have you crumble when I'm just stuck together with duct tape and glitter. I'm not the way I was before.
I see signs now all the time
That you're not dead, you're sleeping
But I'm trying so hard.
So take my hand, please. Take it and we can be in that room again. We can be entwined and be uncomplicatedly broken so I can put you back together again.
I don't want it to be worse.
So just take my hand. And let's rest now.
Can we rest now?
Can we rest?