Reactions to an Engagement
It is a terrible plague to mean to be rich, yet to have fallen for a man who is not.
Why couldn't Edmund have been rich? Why couldn't he have at least been the eldest? Or possessed some yearning to increase his income, or to go into some profession that was guaranteed to raise his prominence and expand his style of living?
I looked out the window, down at the rainy streets of London below. A dull day. Nobody about, nothing going on. There was nothing to do but sit here with my own thoughts, and some of my thoughts were rather too painful.
No, better yet, I ought not to have fallen in love with Edmund in the first place. He was so unlike the usual sort of man that attracted me! So invulnerable to all my teasing, so steady and calm, so contented with the country and the lack of stylish amusements it afforded. Insensitive to my teasing he might've been, but he had not been insensitive to my charm indeed - the months I had spent at the Parsonage had been some of the happiest of my life. To see his gaze soften with admiration as I played that favourite air of his on my harp... But while I had enjoyed his company, I would've been better off not to have fallen in love with him. Why had I?
I truly hadn't intended for such a thing to happen. Usually I select my conquests with care, and judge whether I will succumb to their charms after much contemplation. Edmund was extraordinary to work his way into my affections before I had half-realized it.
Yet for several briefs moments this past year, I had thought maybe I was more tired of the amusements of the city than I realized. That perhaps wealth and consequence, though I had never had either, were not as engrossingly important as I had always imagined. For several moments I had thought so - thought perhaps I could adjust to Edmund's quiet country-parson's way of life. Until I stepped back into the bustle of London, and I knew I could never give such amusements up.
There is nothing more terrible than to love and yet know you yourself are the reason the love must be given up.
Not that I had had such a choice. Edmund had turned away from me with a hard heart and hardened eyes, and nothing I could do could make him change his mind. Perhaps it was best to know that now - to know if I had married him I could never have convinced him to spend some months in London, or drive a more stylish carriage, or to seek more fashionable acquaintances. Still, it stung me to my very soul that he had made the decision to break off the potential of anything between us, not I. I might not care so very much if I had felt I had taken control in the deciding.
Oh, I am a failure even at attempting to fool myself. There is no way I could have convinced myself to give such a man as Edmund up, no matter how miserable I should be.
So could I convince myself things were better this way?
Last that I had heard, Edmund was seeing his cousin, Fanny Price. Fanny Price! If nothing else had illustrated the impassable gulf that existed between him and me, this did - the fact that he could be consoled after giving me up by a girl such as Fanny. That insipid, shy, retiring shadow of a girl, whose acquaintance I had persistently pursued for so long because I knew how important she was to Edmund! Long had I pursued the acquaintance, without feeling I knew the girl a whit better than before the acquaintance had begun. Such a quiet girl! Yet one who might speak her opinion on moral matters quite decidedly if pressed, and stick to it to a surprisingly degree - a degree no one would have predicted, from her otherwise obliging temperament. Fanny Price's fastidiousness had ruined everything for my brother - and perhaps now she would ruin everything for me.
What? Was I still clinging to a shred of hope? It did not matter if Edmund married or did not marry Fanny Price. He'd made it clear he would never come back to me.
It was time for me to fling myself into society again, to distract myself with admirers, to appear light-hearted and charming to all who laid eyes on me. And I had been doing so until this day, and until this moment of dullness and silence I had convinced myself I had forgotten everything that had passed in Mansfield Park. But I knew now that none of the unattached society men would hold a candle to Edmund's steadiness, his earnest ability to convey to a lady how very much he felt for her by a mere glance of his eyes. There was something in making a man such as him admire you! Fanny Price should know how much she had gained!
Yes, she likely did. I could not accuse her of presumption, but she must've at least been in love with Edmund for some time.
I was a fool, but as long as he was single, I did have hope.
At that very moment, my brother, Henry, entered the room.
"It is over, Mary," he said.
Not his flirtations, that was for certain. He had thrown himself into his usual pattern of behaviour with a vengeance, and without seeming much more contented as a result of it. A certain class of respectable women avoided him, of course, but there were enough willing to associate with him to distract him. Except it looked as if he was as difficult to distract as I was.
He handed me a society paper. "Edmund Bertram has announced his engagement to Fanny Price."
I lifted my eyes to his face. "She has got him at last, then."
It was only the anguished look on my brother's face that convinced me it was true.
"I still love her, Mary," he said. His hand found the arm of the chair behind him, and he sunk himself down into it. "I didn't think it was possible - I still love her."
I had never thought it possible either, that my brother could ever lose at the game he played so well. That there'd every be a soul among all the ladies he juggled that would make him regret he could not convince himself to drop the others. Lost? Oh yes, my brother had lost. He is not the sort to love often, perhaps never more than once. And he knows reforming, even were he able to attempt it, would do nothing to win the heart of Fanny Price, nor raise his character in her eyes.
Oh why, oh why had the Crawfords ever gone in among the Bertrams and the Prices? They exposed the folly we could not stop clinging to. And neither of us were the better for having met them.
My heart twisted inside my chest. Edmund was to be married. We had both played and lost. Life made it clear we could not have everything we wanted, and we'd learned our priorities well.
If only such priorities did not look so dreary and monotonous on their own.
a/n: Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this fic, check out my other stories, or visit my wordpress blog, "Stories and Stuff."