I was eating shitty 7/11 nachos and pretending I was working on a movie script for class and this came out instead. I don't even...
Anyway, I don't own South Park, or the "How To Make a Frat" book. But I DO like reviews! They're nice! Really nice! Like Make Your Day Nice!
The setting was a Colorado university. Specifically, A frat house in a Colorado university. An unofficial frat house that had popped up last year when one Kenny McCormick planted the idea into Token Black's head. Token Black, honor roll student and rich kid extraordinaire had thought it through. It didn't take him long to admit that statistically, joining a fraternity would give him an advantage. Just saying "I was a part of "XYZ fraternity" drew heads-often important heads. Creating a fraternity was even better, as it cut out all of the negativity and issues a normal fraternity was usually associated with. He wouldn't have to deal with any organizations. If he did it right, he wouldn't even have to submit anything to the university. Even if future employer looked into it, they would discover an unofficial fraternity thriving and running that was independently operated by students-and didn't that say something?
"Plus imagine the amount of ass we'll get." He had told his best friends, Clyde Donavan and Craig Tucker in attempts to sway them into helping get it off the ground. Clyde was an active football player, despite his inability to act like a tough guy to save his life. Craig meanwhile, ran circles around the art and media departments. The three of them combined would have a lot of reach-and Kenny had promised he'd throw his own social circles into the mix.
At the time, they had been sophomores, but after Token smooth talked his way into gaining the support of his friends, it only took a month to find a house and get it established. The four of them moved in with a few other handpicked students, picked a banner and had Wea Reela Fratta up and running.
Token, ever the lawyer, had purchased a few books that all had titles along the lines of "How to start an underground fraternity." Craig and Clyde decided to wing it, and Kenny, who should have been out of place hanging out with them but really had his fingers dipped in every social circle imaginable and therefore fit in anywhere, had turned it into a hub of activity for students.
Under these four, WRF thrived and it is here where our story begins.
Craig Tucker didn't have a problem.
His friends just thought he did.
"We're hooking you up with some hot ass tonight." Clyde said by way of greeting when Craig walked through the front door. Craig didn't bother to address that. That had been Clyde's version of "hello, how was your day?" since his and his girlfriends six month anniversary two years ago.
"It's Tuesday." He said making sure he caught Token's eye so Token knew he was talking to him and not Clyde. Clyde wouldn't care what day of the week it was.
Token shrugged. "It's the beginning of second semester. No one has a heavy workload right now."
Craig dropped his bag and fell back into one of the couches. "Is this one of our parties or one of McCormicks?" He asked, taking his headphones out of his ears. He didn't put them away, instead letting one drop and looping the other over the top of his right ear. No one could really see it, as his headphones were as black as his hair, but the muted hum of music played at a deafening level could still be heard.
"We're manning the bar, Kenny's hosting." Token said. That meant both friends and people he didn't know had been invited. Their house was going to be trashed in the morning. Craig made a mental note to remember to lock his room. Preferably while he was in it.
"Apparently Kenny's bringing some people for you." Clyde added.
Craig closed his eyes in horror. "He better fucking not, I've talked to him about that."
Token gave him a sympathetic smile. It was fake, of course. Token had maintained a serious relationship with Red since high school and was just as on board with getting Craig into a relationship as everyone else was.
It was the curse of being "that one single friend". Everyone assumed you were miserable and needed a hook up as fast as possible. It was just worse for Craig, because he'd known his friends since high school-and because he'd also beensingle since high school.
Romance and Craig Tucker were not a good mix.
"Like talking to Kenny is going to make him stop." Clyde said with a snort.
And because Kenny had a horrific resemblance to Beetlejuice, he promptly appeared. "Nothing makes me stop." He said, walking in without bothering to close the door behind him. "Except for a safe word." He tossed Craig a wink as he sauntered passed. Craig flipped him off.
"I don't need a girlfriend." He growled. "Or a boyfriend." He added quickly as Kenny dropped his backpack in the middle of the living room. "And close the fucking door!"
"Yes you do. You're one of the worst cases I've ever seen."
"Case? Is refusing to attach myself to someone I hate a medical issue now?"
He was ignored. "You are just sexually repressed. You are a sexually repressed asshole, Craig Tucker." Kenny said seating himself next to Clyde.
Clyde tossed him a grin. "No, no he's an asexual asshole, dumbass."
"Quiet, both of you." Token shot Craig a winning smile. "He's an asexual beast and proud of it. And Clyde so help me don't you dare get cheese on my couch."
Craig's head abruptly turned to face Clyde. He mentally cursed he hadn't been paying close enough attention to realize what Clyde had been munching on this whole time. (To be fair, Clyde was always eating something, no one really noticed it anymore.) Craig's nose crinkled as he looked at the pile of smoking chips seated in Clyde's lap. "Those aren't the kind from 7/11 are they? Token, please tell me those are not from 7/11."
"They are." Token said apologetically.
"Clyde, we've talked about this."
Clyde glared and hunched protectively over his nachos. "Hey, they're not shitty alright! Fuck guys, get off my back."
"You're going to die from a clogged artery at age thirty."
"Yeah? If you jam that stick up your ass any higher, it's going to give you an aneurysm!"
"Didn't know you knew that word, Clyde. Good for you, you're learning." Craig gave him a slow clap.
"Nice try, Craigie," Kenny purred, nimble fingers snatching a nacho before Clyde could block him. "But you're not changing the subject. You're just in the denial phase. It's alright though. We're here to support you in your time of troubles."
Be it the nickname or Craig's general dislike for Kenny, he felt the leash on his anger slowly start to slip. He once again appealed to Token. "Why the hell is he still here? He dropped out."
"I did nothing of the sort." Kenny said, crossing a long leg over his knee and resting his chin on his hands. "I was kicked out. That is far more of an accomplishment."
Clyde blinked. "Wait, really? What were you kicked out for?"
Kenny smiled innocently. "Banging Craig's sister. She's still a minor so it was a bit of an issue with the school's reputation-" He didn't get to finish his sentence, because Craig had risen and crossed the room so fast it looked like he teleported. He hauled Kenny up by his hood. In response, Kenny turned in his grip, tipped back his head and promptly went limp. Craig cursed as the blonde crashed into him.
Kenny laughed. "Chill out dude, I 'm teasing. I wouldn't go near your sister, she bites. And probably has rabies. To answer your question: I bring bitches and beer. Without me, this frat wouldn't exist on a social level. No self respecting frat can be dead socially and still continue on." He turned, wrapped his arms around Craig and tucking his head under Craig's chin. "My, my Craigie, how do you maintain this hot bod without working out? You must tell me your secrets!"
Craig frowned in disgust before shoving Kenny anyway.
Token gave him an apologetic look. "I'm afraid he's right. Kenny does all legwork. As long as he keeps doing it, he gets to live here."
And because Token was paying for the entire house third party through his rich parents, he got final say. Craig of course, knew this. He knew why Kenny got a room here. He knew that Kenny often disappeared into Delta Kappy whatever the fuck those Greek life idiots called their house, and that was the other reason Token let him live here. Token liked to keep tabs on their rivals.
If Craig bothered to care, he would as well.
Kenn y glanced at the clock on the wall. "Sorry to dine and dash, but I have somewhere to be." Classic Kenny, here for enough time to start a physical altercation, gone before someone could land a real punch. "Oh, Craig," He said as he moved to bounce out the door, "Be sure to be here tonight, would you?" His Cheshire cat esche smile broke out in response to Craig's glare. "Clyde was right. I'm bringing you a present."
"How nice. I don't want it." Craig said, before stalking up the stairs. He snatched his bag on the way up, feeling Kenny's eyes on him and refusing to give him the satisfaction of turning around. Instead, once he reached the top of the stairs and turned to go to his room, he flipped him off.
There was a drunk blonde in his room.
Craig mentally cursed Kenny. Yes, give the picky forever single, assumed asexual –at- the- very- least- demisexual- asshole a drunk chick to deal with. What the hell was Kenny expecting? Fireworks? No, this was McCormick, he was expecting that all Craig needed was to get laid. That was his answer to everything. You're in a slump? Have sex! You're failing out of college? Have sex! You're favorite pet that you're highly emotionally attached to just died ? Don't worry, bro, just have some sex!
In reality all a drunk chick in his room meant was a lot of tears and vomit. And didn't dealing with that sounded like a perfectly fantastic way to spend the evening!
"I don't know who you are but I'm dumping you back on Kenny." Craig said by way of introduction. The blonde spun around, nearly falling into the wall in the process. She tilted for a moment-long enough for Craig to take in black skinny jeans and a rumpled striped shirt, and looked up at him.
Realization didn't dawn on Craig, it bitch slapped him in the face.
"Tweek?" He wasn't asking, just affirming. And sure enough, the mess of blonde hair bobbed up and down.
Craig had a sudden need to sit down. Sure, a lot of kids from South Park had ended up at the nearest state university. Sure, he had to constantly run into faces he'd prefer to blast off the planet. He'd accepted it as part of his life. He wouldn't be able to escape them all until he moved to Hollywood. But Tweek Tweak wasn't one of those people. He hadn't seen Tweek since two weeks before graduation-no one even knew if he had graduated. He hadn't walked.
Yet here he was possible that he'd been here the whole time and Craig simple didn't notice-this wasn't a small university-but then it was just as likely he didn't go here and Kenny had pulled him out of wherever he'd vanished to. Craig took a moment to take him in. It'd only been two years since he'd last seen Tweek but he looked different. He wasn't any taller-he was a few inches shorter than Craig and had been for a while. Still had the crazy hair and huge, glassy green eyes. Still wore tight clothes and the same beat up All Star sneakers. But something was missing.
It took Tweek to stumble up to him for Craig to realize it was because he was still. He wasn't shaking, or pulling at his hair. He wasn't chewing on his lips or playing with his clothing. His hands were hanging loosely at his sides.
And apparently, he was a lot calmer in general, Craig found, as Tweek tripped, fell into Craig's chest and burst out laughing.
The blonde looked up at him and the smell of alcohol slammed itself into Craig's nose.
"Hi." Tweek slurred happily. "D'you remember me?"
He was a lot drunker than Craig had first pegged him for. What the hell had Kenny done, make him double fist shots?
"Yes." He said simply. "We almost had a thing senior year it's a little hard to forget."
Tweek's nose crinkled. "I'm a transfer stuuu-wait. We did?"
Well that explained where he came from. "Yes, Tweek. Kenny had the two of us tutoring him so he could graduate. He spent the entire time trying to hook us up." Damn near succeeded, too. "You went to my house. We kissed. I drove you home, you acted like it never happened and hooked up with Thomas four days later." Craig said it with a straight face in a matter of fact manner, because that's who he was. He didn't play games, and he didn't mince words. He was a straightforward motherfucker and while he remembered the amount of pissed off and confused that incident had caused, it didn't affect him now.
Though in truth, Tweek had always intrigued him, had always caught his eye. Even drunk, he gave off something, some kind of weird aura that made him different. Likeably different. Craig had long ago come to terms with the fact that he wasn't likely to fall in love, but Tweek Tweak didn't seem to abide by normal rules and Craig had decided to give it a shot.
He had always taken the resulting mess to be his message from the universe that it was time he stopped focusing on why he couldn't seem to find any interest in a possible romantic relationship and instead work on something more important.
So he had.
It was a pity the Kenny McCormick also didn't abide by normal rules.
"We did!" Tweek's voice was slighter higher, returning a bit to the Tweek Craig was familiar with.
Craig raised an eyebrow and nodded slowly.
"F-fuck!" Tweek wasn't panicking or freaking out, but he was yelling and his eyes had grown dinner plate wide. "I thought I dreamed that!"
"What." Craig just stared, looking at the blonde like he'd grown another head.
The look intensified when Tweek started laughing again.
Apparently, drunk Tweek was significantly less paranoid and phobic than sober Tweek. Or he'd lost his mind. That had always been a distinct possibility with the blonde.
"What." Repeated Craig when Tweek had to lean into him to help support himself.
"I-I was on a lot of different medications. We kept changing them." Tweek giggled, wiping at his eyes. "The day I went over to your house, I accidently took my mom's with some of mine. I didn't notice and it s-started to do weird things. When I left your house I started to hallucinate and I thought I had been hallucinating the entire evening." He looked up at Craig, grin splitting his face. "I couldn't remember what else we had done and I was too embarrassed to ask you. I decided it was time t-to get over my infatuation with you and tried to put you out of my mind by dating Thomas."
"Infatuation." Craig repeated, finding it a bit hard to take in all of this.
Tweek nodded, and kept nodding until Craig put his hand on his head to steady it. "Yes." He said, still giggling. "Oh, yes."
"So the entire reason we didn't date was because you were too afraid to come talk to me." Craig said again, feeling usually suppressed emotions start to roll within him. "And I didn't bother to go talk to you because I took that as rejection." He'd been upset and reacted to that emotion in typical Tucker fashion. By pretending it didn't exist.
"Looks like." Tweek said.
"And so McCormick got you drunk and dumped you in my room." Fucking bastard. He never could admit defeat-especially when it came to his matching making idiocies. Craig glared at a spot on the wall, envisioning crushing Kenny's head. Not for this exact situation, but similar ones that had caused numerous amounts of headaches in the past. His ideas on how to "fix things" often made things worse before they got even remotely better.
"Let's not t-talk about Kenny." Tweek said. His hands were suddenly on Craig's shoulders, and that jerked him back to reality. He was suddenly close and staring at Craig with those wide, coke bottle green eyes. "Let's start over instead, kay?"
Craig didn't get to respond as his lips were quickly preoccupied. Tweek clung to him, tugging him close, and Craig teetered with him for a moment, too amazed he actually felt something to notice. He never felt anything when he kissed people. He hadn't even felt anything the first time he'd kissed Tweek. It was neither pleasant or unpleasant, just…boring.
Not this time.
This time he finally understood why people actually wanted to kiss each other.
Craig managed to ground them. He steadied his feet, pulling Tweek against his chest and taking control. Tweek melted into him. They went at it like that for a while, until Craig broke apart for air. He touched his foreheads to Tweek's, gently walking them over to the bed. He released Tweek, who fell backwards easily.
Craig left him there, stalking to the door.
"What're you doin'?" Tweek slurred. Craig stared back at his shoulder, hand on the doorknob. "Locking it." He said as he did so. "So that this time, you'll have no excuse to think you dreamed it."
Tweek blushed. Craig stalked back. And then both their mouths were busy again, as they made up for a two year long misunderstanding.
Something that sounded an awful lot like his old alarm clock was shrieking in his ear. Craig opened blurry eyes, staring at the wall as the noise turned itself into words.
"-throw my hands above my head and push my face into the bed 'cause I'm a screamer baby make me a mute. You put your hand upon my neck and feel the pulse beat-beat- beat- beat-It's like a trigger, get me ready to shoot.~"
"I had no idea you were into BDSM." Craig said as he rolled over. He propped up an elbow to support his head as he watched a red in the face Tweek fumble with his cell phone.
"I-I'm not, it's not me, K-Kenny keeps changing it!" He said voice frantic and stutter back in full force. He finally managed to turn it off and fell back into the pillows with a relieved sigh. "I don't k-know where he finds half these songs."
"It's Kenny, they probably fall out of his ass."
Tweek shot Craig a grin. Then his eyebrows furrowed. Taking in Craig's lack of shirt, no doubt. He looked at Craig, then slowly down at himself, where he made the discovery that he was wearing Craig's shirt.
His head shot up so fast Craig was amazed it didn't fly off. "Did we-we didn't-I can't, I mean I was drunk, I ohmigawddidwehavesexlastnight!"
Craig winced. He'd forgotten just how high Tweek's voice could go. Not something that usually bothered him, to be honest, but then, he also didn't usually wake up exhausted with a raging hangover.
"No." He said, monotone voice abruptly cutting off Tweek's panic attack. He raised an eyebrow at Tweek's stricken expression. "What, did you think I was the kind of person to fuck someone when they clearly weren't sober enough to properly consent to it?"
The red rushed back to Tweek's face, Craig was amused to see. "But the bed, you're shirt-"
Craig sighed and rolled up into a sitting position. He stretched, groaning a bit when his back cracked. A small smirk came to his face when Tweek's eyes were suddenly glued to his chest. Craig Tucker was not ripped, but he was in prime condition, if he did say so himself. "I walked in last night to find you drunk off your ass in my room. We undoubtedly have Kenny to thank for that. We ended up discussing why we didn't get together our senior year of high school."
Tweek groaned. Craig ignored him and kept talking. "You admitted you took pills you shouldn't have and ended up thinking the whole encounter we had was a hallucination. I admitted I was too much of a proud fucker to actually find out what happened. You kissed me."
Tweek groaned again, grabbing a pillow to smash his face into. Craig found his smirk was back.
"I locked the door, we moved things to the bed, I said it would be best if we held off on the drunk sex until at least the third date. You agreed, we decided to sleep and then you decided you needed to throw up. Which you did. All over the carpet."
Tweek was starting to sound like a dying animal.
"As I was cleaning that up you tried to help me and fell in it. I grabbed your shirt and gave you mine since you objected to sleeping without one. I threw yours in the wash, finished cleaning and got us both back in bed-after I had a few drinks of my own." Craig titled his head as Tweek slowly rocked back in forth, pillow still firmly pressed against his face. "And here we are." He concluded.
"Oh. My. God." Tweek's voice was a bit muffled by the pillow. "I am so sorry."
Craig hummed. An idea was forming, an idea so brilliant that Craig's face broke out into a grin before he could gain control enough to smother it with a blank stare. He remembered Tweek-and working with Tweek.
He remembered what made the blonde tick.
He stared down at Tweek eagerly. "I don't forgive you."
"What!" Tweek stopped moving, pillow falling down enough to reveal one eye.
"You heard me." Craig said. Tweek sat up abruptly, eyes wild. "I don't forgive you. In fact," He tilted his head a bit. "I think you're going to have to pay me back."
"I-I-" Tweek stuttered, only to be cut off. For once in his life, Craig was having a difficult time keeping his voice monotone.
"I even know how." He leaned forward, watching Tweek instinctually shrink back and enjoying it immensely. "When I ask you to be my boyfriend, you have to say yes."
Tweek, who was so tense he was pulling threads apart in the pillow, stared at him for a moment before abruptly relaxing. A tentative grin was given to Craig, and Craig let his mask drop, giving Tweek a full smile back.
"I can do that." Tweek said. "You're such an asshole." He added a few seconds later. He threw the pillow at Craig, who ducked it and moved forward.
Within seconds he was looming over Tweek on the bed. "Yes and it gets me what I want." He agreed before carefully planting his hands on either side of Tweek's head. "Now we just need to seal the deal. This time in a way were you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it happened."
Tweek blushed, but put his arms around Craig anyway. "S-shut up." He muttered before pulling himself up and kissing Craig.
Craig hummed into his mouth, and then lowered them both onto the bed.
Which is where Kenny found them a short while later, and alerted the house that Craig Tucker was no longer asexual by snapping a picture and running around the house proudly showing it to every person he saw. Craig promised to punch him for it later, as he was too preoccupied to do so currently.
Four days later when his new boyfriend wasn't looking and he wasn't preoccupied, he delivered.
Kenny later used the bruise to seduce chicks. And Craig let him, because he secretly knew he owed him for dragging Tweek to the party to begin with and Craig Tucker did not owe people anything, least of all the actions that lead to his reconciling with the person he would spend the rest of his life with.
I've seen (and been responsible for, I'll admit it.) those "we got shitfaced and had sex" fics, but I wanted to throw a bit of realism in there. I didn't really mention it in here, but this version of Craig is a bit of a lightweight, hence the hangover. He took a few shots afterwords to help him deal with the vomit and general level of drunk Tweek was at. I also wanted to write a more aggressive/ balanced Tweek. As for Kenny, he bounces between Craig's gang's unofficial frat house and their rival frat house, of whom Stan, Kyle and Cartman reside. I had a half assed side plot with them but it fell apart, so when Craig insults there frat house, he's insulting Kyle's crew.
Also it is possible to start an underground frat house. Some dude did it and wrote I book. I was fairly impressed by it.