It was the night before he was going to leave for the wall. Jon stood in his room, looking out the window. So much had happened in the few days since he'd let everyone know he was going, since he'd finally made up his mind. He was still sure of his decision – he wanted to make something of himself, he wanted to get away from this prison, but he felt like it was wrong, leaving when Bran was in a coma and his fate wasn't exactly secure. But when will a chance like this show up again? Plus, he had to leave, before…
There was a knock on his door, and a shadow crept into his room, swiftly closing the door behind him. "You're really leaving aren't you?" Robb stood there, in all his glory, blue eyes intense and as deep as an ocean. Eyes Jon found himself lost in often. He was like Jon's sanctuary, the light to the darkness brewing inside of him. And Robb truly was light – his light brown hair, blue eyes, such contrast with Jon's dark curls and dark brown eyes, they seemed to be polar opposites despite both being half-brothers. It seemed like if Robb was everything good and right, Jon would be the rotten and dark part of it – they balanced each other, like ying and yang. It would be strange, being without Robb – it would be wrong. But he had to do it.
"I have to. It's now or never. I know it's wrong to leave now when Bran is in such a state, and you will probably hate me for that but-" Jon started talking wrapping his arms around himself. If he loved anyone in this would, it would be his siblings – Arya and Bran especially, he would miss the two dearly. And it was hard, thinking of leaving Bran when he was like this, though he knew his brother would be fine, and would come to visit him at the Wall, there was a desire inside of Jon to be here when he woke up – a desire which wouldn't be fulfilled. "That is not why I'm asking you." Robb interrupted him before he could finish his sentence, causing Jon to look up at his half-brother in surprise, his eyebrows raised. In a flash, Robb had pushed him against the wall, breath coming out ragged. "I'm asking you because of me, not Bran. I'm asking you to reconsider because of me." The way he spoke, possessive and scared showed Jon how truly young Robb was being 17. How young they both were. The intensity in Robb's eyes though, it scared him. "What do you mean?" Jon stuttered, trying to pull away from the wall and Robb, but Robb's hand, pressed into his shoulder just kept pushing him back. "I mean stay. I mean this." Robb's mouth pressed against his in a fury of desire and despair, as if a final attempt to change the unavoidable. Jon stood there in shock for a few short moments, until his lips moved against Robb's, and they did it in a way so natural it was hard to believe the two weren't meant for each other. Robb let out a groan as Jon responded, and his hand tangled into Jon's hair. Somehow it seemed neither was entirely surprised by this odd turn of events, by this unexpected kiss. Perhaps, both had known somewhere within them, that the reason they made such a distinct difference between being half-brothers, and not true brothers, yet Jon did no such thing with the rest of his siblings, was exactly because the way they thought of each other was anything but brotherly. Jon pushed Robb away, gasping for air, dazed by the taste and smell of Robb that enveloped him. This was too much, he couldn't stay, but his heart yearned too. Even his mind was inclined to doing so – his resolution breaking.
"I lo-" Robb had started speaking, but Jon pushed his hand against Robb's mouth swiftly. "Don't say it. You can't say it." His voice was panicked as he held his hand against Robb's mouth. "This doesn't change anything. It was just a kiss, because you were upset about me leaving and you were confused. That was all. Tomorrow you will become Lord of Winterfell as father leaves for King's Landing and I will become a Watcher in a few months, and in a few years you will marry and have children. So you can't say it. You can't." Jon spoke, desperate but sure in his words. Sure that they were right. Sure that it was how it had to be. And he saw Robb's face drop in despair and anguish, as he realized what it was Jon was saying exactly.
He took Jon's hand that had covered his mouth, and kissed it, ever so gently – a kiss that said everything words could not. A kiss that stated his feelings so clearly, Jon had to take a deep breath to keep tears from escaping his eyes – because Robb felt it to an extent that mirrored Jon's so perfectly. "I know." Robb finally said, a sigh leaving his lips, as he came to terms with something he already knew when he came into the room, something he tried not to think about. Robb leaned his head on Jon's shoulder and pressed Jon into a tight hug. It was hard to breathe, not because the hug was that tight, but because Jon kept choking on all the words he wanted to say but couldn't – he had to leave for the wall, before it got to the point where he couldn't anymore. He was sure Robb was crying, as he said in a desperate voice, "I know."
Time skip :
It didn't seem real. The letter he was crumpling in his hand, just didn't seem real. It felt like all the air had been sucked out of Jon's body and he would fall over and die at any second. As if this was it, this was how his life ended – with a letter. And it might as well have.
How could he let this happen? Maybe if he had left that day, when Sam and the others had forced him on going back, maybe then he could have saved him. Maybe he could have jumped in front of the sword that did him in and taken the fatal blow in his stead. It was their fault. It was all their fault.
No. It was his own fault. He should have stayed with him. He should have stayed that day when he came into his room, he should have just said okay. In his mind, the only way they could be happy, was if they were apart. Because together, they would eventually be overwhelmed with emotions they couldn't have. Because together they would be each other's downfall.
It didn't matter anymore. Nothing mattered. In a matter of seconds, his life had just stopped. It got consumed with darkness that had taken root inside of him since childhood, a darkness one single person kept away, and now that the person was gone, so was Jon, and the little that remained of him though out all the years – though out losing all these pieces of his shattered self. There was no more oxygen left in the air to breathe. The oxygen was all gone.
Robb was dead, and nothing mattered anymore.
Time skip :
The thought that crossed his mind, as he laid there, blood seeping into the soil below, wasn't that he didn't want to die. In fact, he welcomed it. Because for 3 years now, ever since he had gotten that letter time had stopped for him, and life had lost its purpose. It didn't matter to him, whether he lived or died – which was why he always threw himself into the front lines of any dangerous expedition. It was a miracle he'd made it this long. No, the thought that crossed him was more of a memory, or a bunch of memories all wrapped into one big movie – and every single one of them had only one star, Robb. The way he would smile, the sound of his laughter, the warmth of his hug, the smell of his skin. It was all embedded into his mind still, even after all this time. Even after his half-brother had been dead for quite some time. The sound of his voice being called was faint, as if it was coming from far away, and he was so tired, oh so very tired. Jon closed his eyes and welcomed the darkness, for what he thought would be the final time.
Only the next time he opened his eyes he was in his room in Winterfell – a room he hadn't seen in years. A room which he'd had the best of his memories – that kiss. He looked down at his body, there was no blood, there was no gaping hole from where the creature had buried it's hand into his flesh. He knew it was a dream then, or perhaps it was hell. To be forever trapped in this room with Robb's scent lingering in every corner, surrounded by all these things that reminded him of Robb. "Hell." He muttered, and heard a laughter come from behind him, so familiar it made him freeze in place. "You're not in hell, Snow." He turned around swiftly, coming face to face with the one person he had longed to see more than anyone in the world, more than anyone in existence. "Robb." His voice was hoarse as he spoke. "But you're… Does that mean I'm-" If he was dead, then he didn't care. He could be dead, he could be dead a hundred times over, if he got to see Robb again. "No you're not dead. You're not alive either though." Robb noted, his tone obviously not happy with that last part, as he bit down on his lip. Jon had barely heard him speak though, and he took two huge steps before he reached Robb and wrapped his arms around his half-brother. He was real. He was there. He smelled of Robb, as if nothing had changed. As if he had never died. "Then I'm dreaming. And I don't want to wake up." Jon muttered against Robb's neck, completely content with staying like this forever. He didn't want to let go, he didn't want to make the same mistake of letting go this time again. "You're not dreaming." Was all that Robb said, as he wrapped his arms around Jon as well – one of his hands resting on Jon's head, curling around his locks tightly. "Oh Jon. I've missed you so much." Robb's voice was still so desperate, so much like it was all those years ago – so childlike, that for a second Jon felt thrown back in time. Maybe he had been, maybe he had a chance to change events that had occurred and stay by Robb's side this time, maybe that was what was happening. But Robb's next words broke all of his hope.
"You can't stay though. I'm here to keep you from dying. You need to wake up and you need to live." Robb's voice had gone back to his usual confident self, all trace of the despair and childish longing completely gone. What was he talking about? "I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying here with you." Jon said, emphasizing every word, as if Robb was retarded – which he might as well have been, insinuating something like he had. Why would he ever leave Robb again? He didn't want to spend another second apart. All those seconds, minutes, hours, years without Robb – it wasn't life, it was a hell he couldn't get out of. It was a prison, where he had to battle to keep from breaking down every second of every day, where he had to teach himself how to breathe over and over again, because he would forget every time a thought of Robb came into mind – which was more than often. "No. You need to live." Robb took Jon's face into his hands, the blue of his eyes intent and completely sure, confident. "I need you to live for me. It's not your time yet. You need to live, or I will never forgive myself." Robb finished, and the sadness that now came into his eyes told Jon that it was all truth – that if Jon stayed now, Robb would be miserable forever. Didn't he want to be together? Didn't he want him to stay? Didn't he…
"But I lo-" Jon's voice was desperate as he tried to speak – until Robb's hand stopped him, landing across his mouth. "You can't say it. Not yet." Robb had done the same thing to him, that Jon had done so many years ago. Was all of this a cruel joke? Just a dream his dying body had given him to torture him? "Don't say it because it won't change anything. You need to live, and you need to save people, and change so many lives. You need to create a better future that I couldn't. You need to live for me." Robb said, his voice breaking as he spoke, the false confidence he had showed all this time, now openly showing how much he wished it wasn't so. How much he longed for Jon, how much he wanted him to stay here as well – and just how much he couldn't. If Jon had any part of his heart left, it would have broken but at that point, all of it had been gone, shattered long ago. He reached for his half-brothers hand, the one that was pressed against his lips, and pressed a gentle kiss against his skin – skin that felt oddly warm for someone who was dead. A kiss that made a tearless sob escape from Robb as he closed his eyes.
"I know. Are you in heaven?" Jon said, coming to terms with the fact that he couldn't be happy – that it just wasn't meant for him. That he was destined to repeat this good-bye over and over again. "No. I'm not." Robb said, his voice sounding strange – strained and as if there was a secret he had to keep. "Then where are you?" Jon asked, but suddenly felt very tired, and slumped against the bed. It was like his body was very heavy and it was hard to keep himself awake. What was going on?
The world around him blurred, and the last thing he remembered was Robb pressing his lips lightly against Jon's, and a soft whisper that he wasn't even sure he heard, "Waiting for you."
Time skip :
It had been 70 years. 70 years had passed since the last time he'd seen Robb – and he counted what everyone thought was a dream, but he knew it wasn't. It was something else. He knew it, because everyone had told him it was a miracle that Jon had even woken up, that they were already preparing his funeral. But he had come, as if waking from the dead – and everyone thought it was just a dream of a delusional man, when he told them it was Robb who saved him, as he always did.
The scar on his abdomen was a reminder that kept him alive, that once again gave him something his life had been missing – meaning. It had given him hope. It had given him his other half. Because he now knew Robb was there, somewhere, kept alive by his memories, by his tales, being kept alive by Jon himself living. Because the two were one – as they had always been. And Jon had lived for the both of them – a life he thought Robb would have been proud of.
So when the time came, and he lay on his death bed, surrounded by his friend, and his family, he welcomed death as if welcoming an old friend you'd been waiting for a long time. And even though everyone around him had been crying, he had taken his last breath, with a grin across his face.
Robb was there.
He was in the room, just as Jon knew he would be. Through the many years after the dream or vision, or whatever that had been, Jon had come to realize that the room was probably their meeting place. It was where they went before going somewhere else. It was where they said their hellos and their good-byes.
"Have you been waiting here all this time?" Jon asked, what had been bothering him for a long, long time – because to this day he was not sure if that last sentence had been real or imagination. Robb smiled, a sad smile that didn't reach his eyes.
"Of course. There is no heaven without you." He said, as if he was stating something overly obvious. Jon crashed into Robb with a force that knocked them both down onto the bed, kissing every part of uncovered skin he could find, inhaling the scent of Robb that was like oxygen to him. "Then we can go now." Jon added and felt Robb nod, probably unable of forming words – his arms pressing Jon as close as possible unless they would simply melt into each other.
Finally, they could be together now. There was nothing anyone expected from them, there was no honor or duty or need to take a wife and have a family. There were no titles or last names, or blood, or gender that stood in their way. Death had freed them of all of that. Now, they were only Jon and Robb, Robb and Jon. Two hearts, beating like one.
"Is it okay? Is it okay to love you now?" Jon asked finally, prying his head away to look deep into Robb's eyes, finally saying the one word they had stopped themselves from saying so many times already. Finally expressing what it was he felt. Because he had always loved Robb. No, it went beyond just simple love. What he felt for Robb meant more than life and death, it transcended space and time, it went beyond simple existence. It was something that had been the core of his being, the basis for his existence. It was something that could not be put into words – so love would have to do. Though both knew, by looking into each other's eyes, by feeling the gentleness of each other's touch, that it was so much more.
"Yes, it's okay. We can love each other now."
Robb said, his voice happier than it had ever been as his lips pressed against Jon, and the two faded into a blur of feelings and kisses, and touches that had been buried an entire life-time, and would take another ten to make up for.
But, they had all the time to try.
Breathe for me baby
Take me back to a place where we are one
Feel for me baby, live for me baby
Take my heart back to beating
Back to feeling
We will love forever
We will feel forever
We will be forever
We are one