Scheming With Grog Doesn't Work
One Piece Fanfiction
Summary: Drinking can make situations a lot different then how they should be. This just happens to be one of those times. (Post-timeskip)
Warnings: Rated T for language, alcoholic beverages, slurred talking, humor and possibly OOCness
Le. Jester. Vixen: This is a one-shot request for Trinity Fenton-Phantom. Thanks for the pairing.
New World: Random Island: Corner Tavern
Hot, scratchy and strangely a tang of cinnamon liquid goes down the man's throat as he's taking large gulps from his wooden tankard, emptying the last of its contents. Even though the taste would be harsh to anyone's throat this man is used to it. In fact he actually enjoys it.
Moving the cup from his lips the man slams it down on the counter next to the other two tankards that he previously drunk from and places his face in a hand, letting out a sigh.
Here he is, The Immortal, The Great, the pirate who is going to be the next Pirate King, the one and only Captain Buggy, all alone in a tavern.
Buggy was supposed to be celebrating the arrival of this island. Why this island? It just gave him an excuse to have a fun time to party hardy but the problem was when he docked and his crew had gotten off they were chased by marines from all sides and were forced to separate. He then found himself in this big and surprisingly almost empty tavern. The party that he was gonna have was completely ruined.
Buggy taps his forefinger on the counter twice, signaling the bartender to get him another drink. A few seconds pass before he gets another mug full of grog.
"Thish ish all that bashtar'sh fault." The clown says before taking a few gulps from his beverage. "If that damn, flashy, rubber bashtar' didn't drag me in that shupid war two yearsh ago then the marinesh would'n have care that I docked here and I would'a been partying really hardy right now." He chugs more of his drink until its halfway empty.
Moving a finger to repeatedly rub against his chin, Buggy looks upwards to try and think. "Letsh shee, if that bashtar'sh shtill alive then I'm gonna have to find a good way to kill him for making me go through hell. Hmm, what shoundsh like the besh way to get that flashy bashtar'?"
Buggy's free hand moves to grab his cup before he takes a few more gulps. Putting his cup back down he puts both of his elbows on the counter and intertwines his fingers together, placing his chin on top of them and stares at nothing in particular. Normally when he tries to plot against anyone there would be music in the background, sounds of laughter, gunshots and probably a scream or two from passerby-ers or something and the smell of great food would be dancing in the air, but unfortunately he has none of that. The only thing he has is his grog and the kind sir giving him more of it.
That's such a heartbreaker.
"Thish ish all caush of that bounshy baby." He blinks his eyes twice before looking confuse. "Did I jush call that buffoon a baby?" He blinks twice again before an angry scowl reaches his face. "That bashtar' called me a buffoon before! How dare he!" He quickly finishes the half-filled cup before slamming the mug down.
The bartender turns his attention to his teal haired customer while drying the cup in his hand. He then sees two fingers order another grog; seems like this man is a pirate… that happens to be an idiot drinker. Even though this clowned face pirate doesn't look intimidating that doesn't mean he won't be trouble though. Oh well, he's used to pirates.
"Hey barkeep," Buggy looks intently at the man, "—what shoundsh better: ushing a Muggy Ball while he'sh by the shee or ushing shomeshing new? But if he'sh by the shee then there'sh a shanshe that he'll get fat again and bounsh it back. Agh," he balls his fists, "—he'sh making me mad!"
Pandaman takes a drink from his cup.
"Or wait," Buggy instantly calms down, "I can jush poishon him, but if I did then everyone might die." He just shrugs his shoulders. "That'sh fine, Nami'sh the reeshon why I even got involved with shat bashtar'."
The bell above the door chimes as it opens. Either one of the three people in the back just left or someone just came in. It must be the latter since the new customer is walking towards the clown and takes a seat next to him.
"You drink?" Buggy offers.
The customer turns to look at Buggy. "…—"
"Doeshn't matter." Buggy just waves a hand to the side before tapping his finger against the counter. "Hey Buddy, give him two."
The bartender gives the clown his order before working on one for his new customer.
The newcomer grins before looking down at his first drink. "Thanks and I just came to get some food."
"Meh." The clown waves his hand again before he separates his hand and holds his chin, going back to his previous thought. "If I take out hish whole crew, then that'sh one lesh pirate ship that I hash ta worry about."
Hearing the word 'pirate' makes the other drinker turn to look at his drink buyer.
"Are you going after Once Piece, too?"
Buggy moves his eyes to the right, seeing a straw hat before he turns his attention back to the front again. "What, you a pirate too?"
"Yep" He takes his cup and starts to drink his free beverage.
Focused eyes go to the right again and this time they see a scar under the eye. Once again they look forward. "Great."
Everything's starting to get a bit hazy. Yep, Buggy is starting to get drunk. He's gonna have to find his crew and leave soon before something happens and he's dragged into whatever it is.
Once the cup has a third of the strong liquor left the new drinker puts it down to look at the menu, intending to get some food.
"You said something about a pirate ship?" Eyes roam over lists of different drinks.
Buggy taps his fingers against the wood before finishing the rest of his grog. Half a minute passes before he gets his seventh drink. "Yeah, I needa ged rid'a thosh bashtar'sh if I wan any chansh findin' One Piesh."
The other drinker swallows the rest of the grog in one gulp before putting a finger on his lip. The bartender hands him his second serving.
A fourth from his seventh cup is gone as he starts telling his new drinking partner his idea. "There'sh thish really flashy bashtar' who shome how gesh me in twoble wherever I go." He takes another few gulps of his grog. "It all shtarded back in Eash Bloo."
The listening drinker quickly takes the cup from his mouth. "You're from East Blue?"
"Shumwut. You shee, my lifesh been really eashy being a pirate but ever shince my map waz shtolen I went downhill. I shtarded chasen dat damn bashtar' frum there and becaush of 'im I've been in conshtant twoble for sha pasht two yearsh." Buggy drinks the rest of his grog then quietly signals for another one.
Putting the cup to his lips the other male starts to drink his second mug, listening to his buyer's story.
Getting his next grog Buggy plays with the handle of it as a saddened look goes on his face. "I losh ten million berriesh to dat bashtar', waz sheparated from mosht of my body and crew," he takes a quick drink, "—and right when I'sh had a good shansh to kill 'em you know wha happensh?" He sees his buddy shake his head and drink some more from the corner of his eye before he takes another three gulps of his own mug. "I gesh shruck by shome shupid lightening and almoshed caught by shome damn marinesh."
Buggy glances at the mug then turns his attention to the barkeep, tapping his fingers in the process. "Get 'em shree more."
The bartender doesn't say anything and works on the next order. All he knows is that between these two people this tavern is gonna make some good money.
The empty cup is placed on the counter. "Did 'e do anything else to ya?"
Seeing his new drinking buddy get his third mug Buggy answers the question and slams his fist on the counter. "Dam right 'e did! An ev'n if 'e did busht me out'a prishon 'e dragged me to'a war. Who da hell dragsh people to war an' ushes dem ash 'a meat shield? Dat bounshy bashar' doesh, datsh who!" He lifts his cup and drinks the whole thing.
The other drinker finishes a third of his cup. "Well, have ya tried blowin up his ship?"
The clown's eyes widen from that idea. "Ushin 'a Buggy Bomb on 'ish ship?"
"Yeah," he takes a few gulps, "—when dat crew ish gone—" he takes a look at his mug, "— oh wow, I think I'm feelin thish drink."
Buggy nods his head and a grin goes on his face. "Feelsh good, huh?"
"Yeppersh." The hatted male grins before drinking some more. "Oh, but I was 'ayin when dat crew ish away from they're ship den you sould make it ex-plode in itty, bitty, teeny, weeny, 'ittle pieshes."
"Blowin up da ship you say…" Buggy separates his hand to rub his chin again, loving the way the idea sounds coming from his mouth.
"Ya know," the hand pats the other's shoulder, "—dat'sh re'lly good idea jer." Buggy takes a drink. "I'ma blow 'ish ship'up."
The drinker grins at the teal haired male before letting the rest of his grog go in his mouth. He takes a glance back at his drink buyer to see a red, round object where the nose should be, making his eyes widen. He turns his head to get a better look and instantly recognizes the man but unfortunately at the same time he spits all of his liquor out of his mouth and unto the clown's face. "BUGGY! ?"
"MY EYES!" The wet clown brings both hands up to his eyes, trying to make the sting go away. His head is leaning back but that makes the liquor go further down in his eye sockets before he leans forward to try and drain it. Unfortunately everything that he's doing is just making the situation worse.
The spitter is panicking, turning his head left to right while trying to figure out what to do. His gaze then goes to the bartender and right when he's about to say something he sees the liquor man hold out a wet cloth. Letting out a quick smile he takes it and stands up, trying to move the rubbing hands from the clown's face.
"Here," finally able to get the hands away, he starts to ring the wet towel in the closed eyes, hoping that the water will go inside. "—put this in."
The bartender just face palms himself. "You're supposed to just leave it on his eyes."
"Oh." He stops ringing the towel and folds it over the closed lids.
Buggy swats the hand away from his face and puts his own on top of the cloth, feeling it start to cool his eyeballs down a little. Thank goodness that the eyelid has the thinnest piece of skin on the human body.
A minute passes as the stinging sensation finally dulls from the clown's eyes. Taking the wet cloth off from his face Buggy harshly places it on the counter and turns to look at his new drinking buddy, but his vision is blurry. "WHA DA HELL WAZ JAT FOR! ?"
The drinker sits back down on the stool and just stares at the clown while the bartender gives him his fourth mug. "You're eyesh…"
"Yeah," Buggy has the sudden urge to rub his dry eyes but if he does then that'll just make them worse. "—wha 'bout dem?"
A smile goes on the other's face as he grabs his new grog. "—they're red jush like your noshe," he then starts drinking his mug.
The tavern is completely quiet for about seven seconds before
"WHO'RE YA CALLIN A BIG NOSHE, YA BASHAR'!? "
The other finishes chugging his fourth mug before he starts laughing.
"Wha'sho funny?" A reddened eye twitches before the clown tries to glare at the other man. It would be a lot easier if his eyes weren't so dry.
Getting his new drink, he puts his chin in hand. "Noshin, you're jush da sh'ame ash e'va."
A slightly confused look goes on Buggy's face. "Do I'sh know'sh ya?"
The sound of a cup being placed in front of the clown makes him grab it and shrug his shoulder. "I should kill ya for shpittin in my fash but cuz you're giv'n me shome g'ood ideash for dish bashar' den I'ma let ou live a bit lon'ger."
Bringing the mug to his face, the other drinker rolls his eyes and shakes his head. "Oh, thanksh." He then drinks some more.
The day that Snubby Buggy beats him is the day that he'll become a vegetarian.
Oh, speaking of that, that's the main reason why he wanted to come here; he's hungry. Eyes roam over the menu again as he's drinking but the words just look like a blur. Oh well, he'll just have to wait until he goes back to his ship.
"Ay, Mishta Barman," Buggy leans over to his drinking buddy and whispers loudly: "I dun no dat man'sh n'me. Shh, dun tell 'em."
The drinker just chuckles at that before taking another few gulps.
Straightening himself back up the clown tries to hold back his laughter and succeeds but a big grin is on his face. "Mishta Man who ownsh'a Bar, can ya get my damja, dandanja, ah shcrewy, get dis evil guy shum moa ta dwink. We're gon'a partay ova 'ere!"
An excited grin goes on the drinker's face before he drinks some more.
Buggy wraps an arm around his buddy's shoulders. "We're gon' partay an shkeem sho if any of yoush four peopl'esh got any jing ta shay 'bout it den you're gon'a have to shay it to Cap'n Buggy 'ere. Now where'sh my dwink?"
23 Drinks Later
A wobbly index finger tries to point straight at the younger drinker but ends up making sloppy circles, having the other's eyes following it. "Sho jish ish wa we'r gon'a jo," hiccup, "—ou'a gon fine 'ish ittle boat cuz dat jewk can 'ave no big ship an ou'a gon com bak," hiccup, "—an 'ell me where 'esh at. Jen I'll," he tries to drink from his cup to find that it's completely empty. "Ay, Besh Dwink'in Sherv'r Dude, dash ou'r name frum noa on." Hiccup, "—I need shum moa groggy goodnessh." He turns his attention to the younger. "Ow'r ou do'n?"
The younger has two handles in his hands and leans forward to see that they're both full to the top. "Oh no'sh, jey're both 'ull." He turns his attention toward the teal haired pirate looking completely lost. "Wat shou'd I do?"
Buggy uses his other hand to grab his wrist to finally straighten out his finger and slowly pokes the younger's eyebrow. He was trying to aim for the forehead but the eyebrow is the next best thing. "Ya dwink dem bosh, ya n'lly."
Seeing both hand just drop to the clown's side, the younger looks back up at the red nose. "At da sh'me time?"
They both look at the bartender.
"Ish it poshible dat 'e can," hiccup, "—dwink dem bosh at ja sh'me time, Misha Besh Dwink'in Sherv'r Dude?"
Seeing the only sober man shake his head no makes them both drop theirs in disappointment.
"Oh welsh," the younger hands one of his to the clown. "—'ere."
"Nu-uh." Buggy pushes the mug back to his buddy and accidently spills a little on his hand. "—'ou got'a dwink em bosh or elsh ya won' cetsh up ta me." He licks the grog off from his hand. "Mm, dat tashesh good."
The younger looks over to the hand. "Re'lly?"
Buggy tries to flick the younger's forehead but flicks the ends of the hair. He takes a mental note —that will most likely disappear when he gets his hangover— that his aim is absolute crap when he's drunk.
The straw hat that was on the younger's head is now hanging on the back
"Ya gotsh ya own. Dwink it an help me fin'sh plan'n shum moa for dish bashar'."
The younger puts a mug down and gives him a thumbs up, the only problem with it is that his pinky finger is pointing to the side. He looks at the extended finger for a few seconds and drinks half of his grog before looking back at the digit and he finally sees it turn into a thumbs up, making his grin appear on his face again.
"A'writy den, wen ya get bak to meh," hiccup, "—den I'ma, I'ma," Buggy scrunches his face up, hiccups, then scrunches his face back up again as he's trying to figure it out. "Wha I'ma do'n?"
Drinking the rest of his first grog, the younger looks back at the shiny red nose. "Dat jerky pirate'sh boat 'ingy shinsh e' con't 'ave a ship."
"Oo, wite." Buggy drinks from his new cup. "Dat bashar'. Sho, wen ya com bak we'r gon'a wait on 'ish ship til 'e getsh bak." He hiccups then takes a few more gulps of grog. "Wen 'e getsh bak we'r gon 'ave a fireworksh show foa 'em."
"Firewoksh? I shought ou waz gon'a kill 'em?" The younger drinks the from his other mug.
"But ya shee, huh? Wherz my cup?" Buggy is looking on the counter and the ground for his mug.
The younger looks at his two mugs before seeing another one in front of the searching clown. "Looky, a wild Grog hash appeareded."
Buggy looks back on the counter to see a mug in front of him and he narrows his eyes at it. "Cap'n Buggy shall ushe Handle Grab-thingy."
"It'sh a shushesh." The younger tries to hold back his laughter.
"It'sh twy'n ta escape meh but I ushe Drink." Raising the rim to his mouth Buggy starts to drink all of it.
"Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!" The other drinker starts to chant as he reaches for his mug.
The last few drops of liquor goes down the clown's throat before he slams the mug down on the counter. "Cap'n Buggy has defeated Grog." Said pirate turns his attention to the bartender. "Shir, I deshire," hiccup, "—anoder one in shelebrashion ov jish one'sh defeat."
The bartender just roll his eyes and gives the clown his thirty-third cup. It's late in the afternoon but he just hopes that neither of the two plan on staying here for the night.
Getting his new grog, Buggy raises it in the air. "To ush shkeemersh plan'n againsh dat bashar'sh ship…"
The younger raises his mug in the air.
"KANPAI!" They both yell before drinking all of the liquor. The strong grog doesn't taste like anything but water to them now.
Putting his cup on the counter, the younger closes his eyes, mildly feels the burning in his cheek and is grinning for absolutely no reason. He's more than sure that he's drunk now and if his crew were to find him like this then he might get in a little trouble. Trouble with his first mate for not inviting the man to drink with him but in trouble with the rest of his crew for just drinking in broad daylight without any supervision.
Oh crap, he was just supposed to get off of his ship to just stretch his legs, not get lost, look for food or drink.
Oh well, he'll just deal with the consequences when his crew finds him. There's no way that he's gonna look for them right now. His brain to body function isn't working properly and if he tries to stand up and walk right now then he'll just trip on the air and the floor would catch him. A chuckle escapes him as the thought of the floor catching him goes through his head. "The floorz nish."
When the younger turns to look at the funny clown he feels something round pressing against his nose while something really wet is on his lips.
Buggy feels something poking his nose and something really wet is against his lips.
They both just stare at each other for thirteen seconds before it finally dawns on them: they are kissing.
Quickly they pull away from each other. Buggy is spitting on the ground while the younger is wiping his mouth and nose with the back of his hand.
Buggy takes his grog and uses it to gargle his mouth. "Why would'ya kish meh?"
The younger keeps rubbing his nose more than his mouth. "Meh! You'ra da one whoo kished meh!"
The clown just wipes his mouth and has a slightly disgusted look on his face. "I did naut. I hash a re'lly sexhy woman on meh ship if I wanteded to kish anyonesh."
"Well," he continues to rub his nose, "—I gotsh peop'l on meh ship dat I could'a kished."
A confused eyebrow gets raised. "Why ju keep rub'n ya noshe?"
Finally moving his hand away from his face, the younger grabs his grog. "It felt weird bein' preshed againshed ou'rsh."
"Meh noshe ishn't weird!"
'I nev'r shaid it waz." He drinks.
Buggy wrinkles his nose at the younger but doesn't say anything else on the subject. Instead he just drinks the rest of his grog.
The bartender takes all of the empty mugs from the counter and places them below, intending to wash them after he gives these two pirates their refills.
"By ja way," the younger starts, "—ya kish shloppy."
The clown grabs his new cup. "I kish shloppy?"
"Yeah, it waz j'all wet. Kishesh are'n shuposhed ta be wet."
"Look ya lil' bashar'," Buggy tries to point at the younger but his finger starts moving all over the place again. "—meh kishesh are jush fin an dandy-iesh. Ya can ashk anyone'sh I kished b'for."
The younger just narrows his eyes at the clown before drinking the rest. "Buh non ov dem are 'ere, shough."
His drinking partner has a point. Taking another drink Buggy tries to flick the younger's nose this time but ends up flicking an ear. "Fine." he points to himself, "I'll provesh't to ya."
A confused look goes on the younger's face. "How?"
"I'ma sho ya h'ow I kish."
The younger leans back a bit and points at the clown, tries to at least. His finger points at the glasses behind the bartender. "Shee, I tol'ja dat ya kished meh."
"I did naut, now com 'ere sho I can provesh'it to ya." Buggy closes his eyes, puckers his lips and leans towards his drinking buddy.
The younger continues to lean back and starts to blow air on the oncoming mouth, hoping that the drunken clown will stop.
"Too… mush… wiiind…" Buggy stops momentarily and covers his face to stop the pathetic wind attack that actually seems to be working. After a second he grabs the younger's hands and continues to advance his face.
The younger just sucks in more air and starts blowing faster.
The bartender is just looking at the scene in front of him, hiding his laughter. This is one of those times where he wished he had a recording Den Den Mushi just so he can show why stupid people are hilarious when they drink.
Pandaman passes out at his table.
The drunken clown lets go of the hands to grabs the younger's face, feeling more air blown on his mouth. He's almost at his destination.
The two drunk pirates quickly look at the entrance of the tavern and see four hazy figures.
Mohji quickly runs to his captain's side and moves the hands from the face. "Captain Buggy, why are you with him?"
The confused drunk looks at the man talking to him, scrunching his eyes to see who it is before the widen with excitement. "Mohji, ish dat ju? Ah, wher'ya been? I waz sho shad dat we had to shplit up but waz sho happy jat I sharted party'n wit dish guy." He tries again to point at his drinking buddy and finally succeeds.
Cabaji rushes over to his captain's side. "Captain, don't you know who he is?"
Mr. 3 sees all of the cups on the counter and lets out a sigh. This explains the heavy scent of alcohol in the air. "Ah, he's completely drunk right now."
Both Mohji and Cabaji look at Mr. 3 before seeing the counter. Yeah, that's the only reason why he wouldn't have blown up half of the island to smithereens if he knew that he was sitting by the enemy right now.
"Is jat ou Cabaji an ou too Mishta Shree?" A grin spreads across the clown's face.
"Dat meansh we getsh ta party shome moa, Buffoon." The younger says as he reaches for his grog but a hand grabs his wrist and he looks up at the person, smiling at whoever it is.
"You had enough, Luffy."
"Luffy?" Buggy blinks his eyes and turns his attention to his drinking partner and sees the straw hat swinging back and forth as the younger is forced up and sways on his feet before leaning against whoever has him. "AH! OU'R JAT BOUNSHY BASHAR' I WAZ TALK'N 'BOUT!"
Luffy turns to face Buggy and points to himself as he continues to sway on his feet. "Meh? Sho ya wanded ta blo'up meh ship?" A hiccup escapes his lips. "Buggy, datsh naut very nishe. I jaught we waz friensh, dwink'n an shtuff." Hiccup.
Luffy feels his hand being wrapped around someone's shoulder before he looks at the person. "Ay, Shoro," hiccup, "—ya came 'ere ta," hiccup, "—dwink wit meh."
"Yeah, no." The first mate looks over to the bartender. "How much did he drink?"
"I dwank dish many." The younger captain keeps swaying on his feet as he holds up two fingers.
"Add that with another thirty something." The bartender answers.
Zoro raises an eyebrow. "You lost count?"
"Between the two of them," the bartender starts wiping out a cup, "—they had over 60 tankards of grog."
"Grog?" Zoro looks at the man before turning his attention to his loopy captain. "You drunk grog? Luffy," he sees the younger turn to look at him with a grin, "—that's worse than what I normally drink."
"Buggy," Mr. 3 walks towards the group of pirates, "—we should get you back to the ship."
Buggy is just in awe. The whole time he was here with his drinking buddy, he was actually drinking with the person who made him go through hell for no reason. "Wha' kind ov madnesh ish jish?"
Getting a steady hold on the drunk, Zoro starts to lead his captain out of the sweet smelling tavern. What he would do just for one drink of grog, just one.
"Shoro," Luffy slowly looks up at his friend hoping that he's not gonna get in any trouble, "—are ya mad?"
"A little." he quickly replies while taking a step but because Luffy is uncoordinated he has to wrap his arm around the younger's waist.
A hiccup comes out. "Becauz I'm dwunk?"
"Because you didn't save any for me." The next step they take is a hard one; Luffy's feet really are not trying to walk. He has no problem dragging or carrying his captain out but if he does then all of Luffy's pride is gonna be gone. The hell with it, he should just because the little troublemaker didn't give him any. "By the way, you're in trouble."
Luffy looks up. "Nami?"
A sad sigh escapes his lips before he turns to Buggy. "Well, it waz fun while itsh lashted."
With that both of the Straw Hat pirates make their way to the door. "Oh an Mishta Besh Dwink'n Sherv'r Dude, Buggy'sh gon'a pay for ev'ry jing."
The two enemies leave the tavern.
Three of the Buggy Pirates are just standing next to their captain.
And Buggy just stares at the door before his gaze goes to the bartender.
"Just so you know if you can't pay for this then I'll be taking that nose of yours." The bartender says as he dries another cup.
Buggy turns his attention back to closed door. "AND JISH ISH WHY I WANNA KILL DAT BOUNSHY BASHAR'! HE'SH JUSH LIKE DAT BASHAR' SHANKSH!"
Le. Jester. Vixen.:
I had a lot of fun writing this one. The whole drinking idea came to me after I was requested to make this fanfic and as much as I love me some Cap'n Buggy, there was just no way that I could write him being M rated with Boshi-kun.
So let me know what you thought about this one and sorry for the slurred language. I've been around a few family members who were more than drunk and their speech is just so funny to listen to. Not that anyone will but if there are any problems with trying to understand anything said in the drunken language then PM me and I'll translate it.
And this is a one shot only.
Crap, I feel like having some rum now. Thanks Zoro.
Until next time, take care.
~Le. Jester. Vixen.