A/N: Just my reaction to the new 7.21 promo. Heartbreak, feels, me collapsing into a ball and sobbing over Team Free Will. Hope you guys enjoy!
Dean doesn't say a word and Sam says too much.
It's not like it doesn't hurt them both, it just hurts in different ways and it's like-
They don't know what it's like. Because this isn't right and this isn't how things are supposed to be. They don't know what they expected, and in some ways, this is worse than what they thought might happen.
Because Cas is crazy, except he's not.
He's like a fucking kid and not the way he was before. It's not just because he has an awkward innocence about him or because he doesn't get references and dirty jokes.
It's because he giggles and grins like he's five-years-old and he just learned a new gag on the playground, and he hugs them and tells them he loves them in the simplest way when before Cas' displays of affection were limited to telling the boys he was glad to see them or relieved they were alright.
Because Castiel, angel of the lord and warrior of God, forever solemn and serious, now acts achingly human and childish and it's so hard to watch. Sam wants to say he's sorry, but he knows Cas wouldn't understand why he's apologizing. Just like Cas doesn't understand why Dean can't look at him for more than a few seconds at a time because if he looks at him longer than that he might cry. Because this is Cas, but it's not Cas. Because he's not crazy like Sam was crazy, he's crazy like someone who's lost and they don't even know it. He's crazy like someone who's been broken and clumsily rebuilt with the most basic of patterns.
Dean kind of wants to hit Cas because he told him not to worry and it was such a stupid thing to say.
Sam wants to fix everything because he feels like it's all his fault even though it isn't.
They both want to help but there's nothing they can do.
And when they're alone for a few minutes after they've stepped out of the room, trying to breathe again, Sam starts rambling and attempting to throw out solutions while Dean just leans against the wall and shakes his head and tells Sam to shut up.
They can't fix this and Dean can't begin to try and think of doing so because Cas is broken and he can't even see the fucking cracks, where they start and end, to try and repair them.
Sam keeps talking anyways.
And when they go back into the room, back to Cas, they're greeted with a toothy smile, and Dean looks to Sam with an expression that begs him to say something, because Dean can't say a word right now.
Sam looks at Castiel, opens his mouth, and promptly closes it again when he can feel his eyes and nose burning and his throat closing up in that tell-tale way.
He doesn't know what to say and it's hard to think when all he wants to do is tell Cas everything will be alright, even if Cas doesn't know that there's something wrong.
Dean all of a sudden remembers once upon a time when he told Cas to never change and the idea of talking is out of the question. So Sam swallows the pain and pushes through and says something that Dean's not really hearing, because he's too busy staring out the window and not looking at or thinking about or speaking to Cas.
He doesn't say a word.
Sam keeps talking.
And Cas just keep smiling that silly, childish smile.