Croc-o-dile Rock

This was my donation to the Fandom Against Juvenile Diabetes.

Summary: Bella shows up wearing a gift from Renee which sets Edward, Emmett and Jasper into a tailspin. They need to remove all traces of the item, including its scent before Alice gets home to find the fashion nightmare coming back to haunt her. Why couldn't this item go the way of the Member's Only jacket! Oh and there might be a bit of revenge from Bella on Alice because of her controlling fashion ways.

Banner Designer Name: Melissa Condor

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but Stephenie Meyers does. I do own the story idea.

WARNING: I will not be held responsible for you choking on or spitting fluids onto your keyboard due to laughter.


I had just finished getting ready so that I could head over to visit with Edward. We were going to head to our meadow for the day. I loved going to the meadow since it seemed like each time we went I was able to get him to move forward a little in the sex department.

I even voluntarily went shopping with Alice a few weeks ago so that we could hit up Victoria's Secret. A girl needed to be prepared and ordinary stuff wasn't going cut it. I also may have purchased a few snug fitting and lower cut tops. Evil I know, but a girl has to do what a girl has to do to get their man and I had every intention of getting MY man, soon.

As I cleaned up the kitchen a bit and left a note for Charlie to let him know where I was so he wouldn't worry, the doorbell rang. Odd I thought since I couldn't imagine who it might be. I opened to the door to see the UPS guy standing on my porch.

"Bella Swan?"

"Yes, that's me."

"Well, I have this package for you. Can you please sign here?" I didn't order anything, wonder what it could be, maybe Edward sent me something?

I quickly signed for the package and thanked him. I was excited. I headed to the living room and sat on the couch with the package on my lap. After sitting here for a minute, I realized how silly this was and just opened the box.

I gasped. What in the world? Who would send me this? I knew it wasn't Edward. I searched the box and there was a note.

My Dear Bella –

I was so excited when I found these, I know they're your favorite color or at least it used to be. They're all the rage here in Florida and thought you'd enjoy them. I really hope you like them.



This was unprecedented, Renee never did things like this, it's clear that Phil must be doing her a world of good. Well, one thing is for sure; green is my favorite color, emerald green, although these weren't quite that shade.

I like them, they're even kind of cute, but because they were from my mom that is why they were the best gift. I hugged them to my chest and realized that I needed to send her a thank you note. Hmmm, but I think that's not enough, what else can I do? That's when it came to me, I need to send her a photo with me wearing them, but I'll need help taking the photo.

I quickly grabbed my gift and headed out the door. I'm sure Edward can do that for me or even better maybe someone could take the photo with Edward in the picture. That'll be perfect, absolutely perfect.

The drive over seemed to flash by quickly and before I knew it I was pulling up the Cullen's drive. After parking the car, I donned my gift and hopped out practically running to the door. I was told I wasn't allowed to knock on the door anymore since I was family, but it still felt weird not knocking. I slowly opened the door, slipped inside and walked into the living room.


Jasper and I were just walking into the house when we heard Bella's heartbeat. I didn't know she was coming, yeah she wishes she was cumming. Shit hope crackpot man didn't hear that, gotta be more careful. I identified that she was in the living room and couldn't wait to get in there to greet her before himself showed up and hogged her.

As I was flying into the living room, I pulled up short at the smell gasping as Jasper plowed right into me. OH HELL NO!

"What the heck Em?"

"Dude don't you smell it?" He took a deep breath and his eyes went wide.

"Hey Em, Jazz, how are you guys?" Bella said walking toward us.


"What's wrong? Hey Edward, can you come down here, Emmett's acting strange." Me strange, she's got to be kidding me. I'm far from strange.

Before I knew it himself was down in a flash pulling Bella into his arms and kissing her. Hmmm, seems kind of free there, wonder what that's all about. Oh crap he touched her.

"Edward, DON'T MOVE!" I yelled.

"Why, what's wrong?" Did the dude have any sense of smell left after sniffing Bella?

"I so have a sense of smell, now what should I smell, aside from my lovely fiancé here, who smells terrific," he wiggled his eyebrows at me and dove into Bella for a kiss. No way, what the fuck? Was he being provocative? Suggestive even? Again, what the fuck!

"Jasper, you want to tell him the bad news or should I?"

"I'll take care of this," he rolled his eyes at me, "Edward, take in a deep breath and really smell the air." He turned his head doing what Jazz had asked.

His eyes went wide as a horse's dick and stated, "Oh Shit!" And then looked down to see them.


"Edward, what's the matter?" Oh nothing of consequence, just something that is going to be the death of us all.

"Love, what are you wearing?"

"What? I don't understand."

"Umm…that new thing you have on."

"Oh those, well aren't they great? They were a gift from Renee, aren't they nice?" She exclaimed while holding her leg up.

"Okay, so who's going to be the one to break the bad news to her?" I stared at Jasper and Edward.

"What bad news?"

"Love, it just so happens that…well…those…ummm…"

"Oh for fuck's sakes I'll tell her. Bella those things you have on are the bane of Alice's existence. She hates them more than 60's flower power, 70's white polyester suit, 80's big hair, 90's grunge, but there is nothing worse than the curse of 2004, those." I rattled out, pointing to them.

"That's crazy. Anyway, can someone take a photo so I can email it to my mom and then I'll just take them off and put them in my truck?" Oh it's beyond that already, we're talking total eradication.

"Okay Edward, toss me the camera and pick her up off the floor. Let's get this over with." Don't need the stink to be ingrained into the flooring or anywhere else for that matter.

"You are so weird Em, but I love you anyway."

"Yeah, love you too sis, now say cheese."

"Cheese." I clicked the camera few times and now it was time for the removal process.

"Emmett go outside and get a stick. I'll get the plastic trash bags. Edward, get Bella in the kitchen and sit her on the counter. Get going now people." Jasper ordered and with military precision we carried out his orders and everyone was now in position.


I flew us into the kitchen and perched Bella on the counter and since I knew I had a few moments, attacked her lips. She was so sweet and delectable.

We were kissing and moaning as if we were the only two in the world. She pulled me in closer by wrapping her arms around my neck and legs around my waist. I could feel myself expanding with her heat so close to me. Since we started the practicing, there was one thing I realized and that was 'I was much stronger than I thought' so with that in mind, I let my hands roam freely.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" Emmett screamed. I didn't move since I'm sure it was pretty obvious.



After that statement Bella pulled away and asked, "What they heck are you two so crazy for? And how is Edward infected since vampires can't get sick? And I'm not sick?"

"Those…things…your feet were on Edward."

"Okay, now I've had enough, you guys need to tell me what's going on because I'm very confused and you've interrupted my kissing time with my boyfriend."

"Fiancé," I whispered in her ear which caused her to shiver. I loved how I could have that effect on her.

"Yes, fiancé," she declared and kissed my lips, but then there was a huff behind us and I pulled away.

"So who wants to tell the story?" I inquired.

"I will," Emmett excitedly declared. This was going to be an interesting version for sure.

"Okay, get on with it because I'm missing out on my lip time, 'and some other things,'" I mumbled the last part.

Which lips would those be little bro, hmmm, about time the poor girl got some relief. Don't you know the first relationship rule, always satisfy your woman. Emmett thought and I wiggled my eyebrows at him. What the fuck, did he just wiggle his eyebrows suggestively at me? Oh he is so getting grilled later on, I need the information. I will NOT be without the information. Damn what did I just do to myself?

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times," he started and Jasper and I rolled our eyes, "the best thing was that they had invented a chandelier that could text! There was Wii and Gamboy, finally a game on the go." Yup, Gameboy was the best invention, it kept him quiet.

"Emmett, you're getting off topic, FOCUS dude, we don't have that much time before wild woman gets home." Jasper stated while waving his hands in Em's face and we laughed at how he referred to his wife. She should only hear that one.

"Alright, pushy ass vamps you are. Anyway I so wanted to buy the chandelier, but crazy woman wouldn't let me buy it. We were living in New York at the time and apparently it was too ostentatious for a small town doctor with five kids to own. Well one day while Duran Duran was playing on the radio, in strolled dad after a hard day's work at the hospital. Poor dude was exhausted because of a fire in the next town and the overflow came to him. He performed several surgeries and was there for at least 24 hours. You know they started legalizing same-sex marriages that year and we figured that would be good for Edward."

Oh for all that is holy, where does he get this stuff, vampires don't get tired and I'm not gay. Not that there is anything wrong with it, but I'm not and I may have rubbed my expansion beam against Bella a time or three so she got the message. Yeah, she moaned, we're all good, message received loud and clear.

"FOCUS EMMETT, he's clearly not gay and you're cutting into his sexing time with Bella. The lust rolling off them is crazy, now finish up before I have to whip my dick out and relieve my stress." Jasper yelled, and Bella buried her face in my neck to suppress her laugh.

"Jeesh, gross Jasper, no one needs to see THAT, but then again it might be entertaining and Edward might learn something."

"I don't need to learn that, I'm good." I stated.

"You're good? Then I don't need to help you with this?" Bella said and her hand flew down and squeezed me.


"Exactly." She stated. Oh god help me, I'm toast. Although, toast isn't so bad; it's a yummy breakfast food after all.

"Alright everyone focus, and Emmett finish the story, no additions or road trips to the outer limits or there will be a sex show, and don't think I won't drag you all into it either." Jasper demanded.

"So I guess you don't want to hear about SpaceShipOne or Hurricane Charley."

"NO." We all yelled in unison.

"You people are no fun."

I wanted this finished so I could take Bella upstairs for a little de-stressing. I was stressed to the max against my jeans. I seriously wanted them off like yesterday, hmmm, yesterday they were off and hands were flying. I'm missing out on our practice time.

"Okay, so in walked poor old exhausted dad and he got about ten feet inside the door before Alice flipped out on him. She was all, 'What the fuck are you wearing? They stink to high heaven! They're horrible looking! Have you no dignity wearing something like that? How could you buy them without my stamp of approval!' to him. Well, it was the first time that dad flipped out back in 200 years, probably it was the exhaustion talking." We all rolled our eyes, but at least the story was being told.

"Dad was waving his hands in the air, hissing and yelled back, 'Everybody's wearing them! In fact they were given to us at the hospital so I didn't fucking buy them and I DO NOT need your approval to buy clothing if I want! I have a damn brain and can select my own fucking things for myself and my wife if I so choose. They are quite comfortable and all the doctors love them. If I didn't wear them I'd be the odd man out and we're trying to fit in if you remember correctly.' He was seething, it was wild, dad was so angry that he went out and bought Esme some too. It was a good thing I didn't get that chandelier because stuff was flying all over the place, vases, picture frames and all sorts of stuff flew by me."

"Wow, Carlisle was that mad?" Bella asked.

"Absolutely, it was one of the few times; we could count them on one hand. It seems to happen every twenty years or so." I stated. It was actually more so after Emmett joined the family, I thought to myself. Although nothing was flying nor he didn't say 'fuck or use the other colorful language,' but I'd just let Em have that one so he could move on.

"So anyway, they went back and forth a few more times before Jasper and Esme came into the room. I was there, but I wasn't crazy enough to invite Alice's wrath in my direction, I wanted to keep my limbs intact. Jasper went to Alice to pull her away. He grabbed her pinning her arms to her sides and dragged her kicking and screaming out into the woods. We could hear her for miles and they didn't come back for hours. Esme went over and soothed dad because the poor man was shaking like a leaf," Jasper and I rolled our eyes again, I was starting to feel like our eyes were a Vegas slot machine, constantly rolling without the chance of ever winning with Em's story.

Soothing yes, shaking no and there wasn't that much dragging on Jasper's part either, he subtly blew his breath across her face to distract her. He then pulled her out of the house and into the woods. They were gone for about twenty minutes before returning.

"Well, when Alice got back to the house, she went to find dad and she apologized for her behavior and so did dad, but dad didn't do anything wrong. Weird man dad is. She asked him that since he had to wear the offending things that maybe he could leave them in the garage at night before entering the house since they did smell. He agreed, but not before telling her that for the next year he would be buying all his own clothes and wear things more than once."

Bella gasped, "so that was his way of punishing her, by wearing things twice and buying his own clothing?"

"Yes, it was love and to this day she's never criticized his clothing again for fear that privilege might be pulled from her."

"So did he buy anything odd?"

"Funny you should ask that question." Em stated and cue eye rolling. "I'll never forget the crazy ties he bought that year, they were hysterical. If there was a tie for any occasion he had one, Christmas there was a reindeer with a blinking nose which he told the docs his daughter bought him so he had to wear it. Halloween he bought one with all the Peanuts characters on it and told the docs that Edward bought it because of Schroeder playing the piano just like him. Of course, Mr. Stick-in-the-Mud objected to being dragged into the fray. I on the other hand embraced it and bought him this totally fab St. Patrick's Day tie. Not only did it have light up shamrocks, but when you squeezed the button at the bottom it spoke a few phrases with an Irish accent, like 'Erin go bra-less."

"It didn't say that, it was Erin go braugh. Good lord Em get it straight. We still to this day don't know where you found such an insane tie, but Carlisle actually loved it and still wears it each year. And I wasn't a stick in the mud, I did buy him that really cool tie with the sheep, you know where they were all white except one that was black and how about that one with the fire hydrants where a few of the hydrants had a dog lifting it's leg peeing on it?"

"No way Edward, you were having fun? Be still my heart," Bella laughed.

"Hey, I know how to have fun." I stated giving her ass a little squeeze and then whispered in her ear, "I have a lot of fun planned for later when we're alone." I could feel her face heating up against mine, god I loved that. 'What the fuck with these two? Oh next hunting trip you are so spilling your guts.' Emmett thought and then Jazz, 'whoa, what's going on here, you are so dishing later.' What the hell was it with these two they were like old wash women? Did they really need to know so much about my sex life? Why was it so interesting to them?

"I'm looking forward to it," she whispered back. "So is that the end of the story?"

"Pretty much, now let's get cracking on the removal process before crazy lady gets home." Em stated.

"Jasper, bring the garbage bag over here. Now Bella, remove them one at a time and put them carefully into the bag and we'll put them in your truck."

"Who would have thought that these little ole innocent Crocs would cause all this muss and fuss." She mused as she placed each shoe into the bag. Jasper tied it off and ran it out to the truck and was back in a flash.

"Next bag Jazz. Edward, take off your shirt and place it in the bag." I did as he said.

"Bella, now your shirt." She started unbuttoning her shirt and I growled grabbing her hands.

"What's wrong Edward? Did you want to do that?" I wasn't positive, but having them in room must've set something off in me. And god yes, I did want to do that.

"Ummm…yes…but…you two have got to go. I can't have you seeing Bella because right now I just want to toss her over my shoulder and lock us in my room.

"Okay, listen up Caveward, we're not going anywhere. We need to remove this stuff and then burn it. I won't look and neither will Jazz." I was still bristling and another growl came out and I could see Bella trying to clench her legs, thereby squeezing my waist. Fucking hell, the pressure below was coming to a boiling point and I needed to get this done before I blew a gasket.

"How about this, Em and I will turn around and you can put the shirt on the stick and we'll get it into the bag." They turned around, so I unbuttoned her shirt and slowly removed it revealing the blue silk and lace bra. I placed it on the stick without my eyes ever leaving that blue. I could see practically everything through the lace and the thin satin did nothing to hide her now erect nipples. I knew I needed to focus, so I pulled Bella into my arms in hope of distracting myself. Yeah right!

"Okay, we're done?" Bella asked.

"Not even close sis, both of you pants." He demanded. I blew out a breath and removed her pants and then mine placing them on the stick.

Bella moaned and slid her foot up and under my blue silk boxers, wiggling her toes against my balls.

"Fuck!" Escaped me with a moan and then when I realized she was wearing the matching blue lace panties I moaned even more. Hell, just kill me now!


"Ahh hell Bella, please tell me your foot isn't on his underwear?" She giggled and I moaned. 'Well I think that just answered my question; dude's going to flip…' I stopped listening.

"I would, but then I'd be lying."

"Edward, bra and underwear, both of you now."

"What? Why?" I growled.

"You know the rules, if it's been touched by the croc it's got to go, there's no going bock." Em matter-of-factly stated.

This seriously wasn't how I planned on getting naked with Bella today. I did plan on us getting naked, but it was in my bed with candles and soft music, not in the kitchen under the harsh lighting gleaming against the marble countertop.

"You know he's right Edward, just do it quickly and go upstairs. Remember you'll have to shower too. I'll run to Bella's and get her clothes to change into for later." Jazz said and I just resolved myself to the inevitable.

I looked into her eyes to convey my apology, but I was met with the most lustful look I've ever seen in my life. I knew right then and there I need not apologize; she was okay with it, probably more than okay with it. Time to man up, well the man below was up, and suck it up. Wonder if she'd want to suck it, stop that, bad Edward, you need to get out of the kitchen first.

I leaned around her placing small kisses on her shoulders and neck while removing the bra and tossing it on the stick. Next I removed the panties with a moan, god she was glorious. I went to remove my boxers and her hand stilled mine.

"I want to do that." She exclaimed and my dick jumped at the idea of her hands being on him. She noticed and smiled at me.

Her hands slid down my sides and into the waistband, pulling them forward to release us from our bindings. Her finger grazed my tip and I almost jumped through the ceiling, but was just able to hold myself together by a thread. I wasn't embarrassed to be naked in her presence; I actually wanted her to see what was now hers for the taking. It's just the circumstances could've been better.

She slid them off me and I could feel the heat of her eyes roaming my body just as mine were doing to her. I pulled her in against my chest and placed a searing kiss on her hot little lips. We were going at it hot a heavy.

"Ahem, Ahem," Emmett interrupted. "Boxers?"

Bella huffed and before I could retrieve them from her hand behind me, she tossed them at Emmett and we went back to kissing.

"ARRRGGGGHHHHHHH, AHHHHHH CROC GERMS, I'VE BEEN INFECTED BY CROC GERMS. HELP ME, SOMEONE HELP ME, GET THE ANTICEPTIC, CALL 911, CALL THE NATIONAL GUARD, ARMY, NAVY, MARINES, HELLLLPPP, CALL DR. CULLEN, I NEED AN AMBULENCE STAT!" He continued to scream while running around the room with the stick in hand and my boxers on his head. The three of us were hysterically laughing.


"No Em, I'm sorry I missed, it was an accident." I held Bella close to me to block her nakedness from my brothers. Not that they were looking, it was just something so I could hold myself together and not go all Caveward.

"Well I can cause accidents too my pretty. I'll get you my pretty and your little Edward too!"

"Edward's not so little," she whispered as her eyes roamed down to my flag pole that was saluting her and saying 'why thank you ma'am and at your service ma'am.'

"ALRIGHT, ENOUGH! Emmett you boxers in the bag with the stick and put your shirt in here too, then get yourself upstairs and take a shower. Edward, Bella, upstairs and shower thoroughly as well. I will put the bag outside and after you've finished your shower Em, start the fire and burn this stuff. I'm heading to Bella's to get her some clothes after I bleach the floor, counter and anywhere else the crocs have touched and open the windows to air the place out. Now get to work. I'm not having my wife crazed since I want some wild animal lovin' tonight. I've got plans and some new toys to try out." Holy crap Jasper was seriously annoyed. And toys?

"Edward, rule number two, DO NOT ever come between a man and his pussy or new sex toys. So B, you got any sex toys to try out on Edward?" I stared at him like he was crazy, scratch that he was crazy. He's now all calm with the boxers still on his head and holding the stick while talking to us about sex toys like this was any other day of the week that we weren't naked and he didn't just freak the fuck out.

"Ahh…no…but whatwouldbegoodforavampire," she rattled out with her face pressed against my neck which was burning.

WHOA, was she really asking? Did she want me to? Did she want to to me? What could we even use? So many questions my head was spinning and not the time to ask them.

"Well I'd start off small, maybe some fuzzy handcuffs and blindfolds and then you can move up to other things if you want, some fun outfits for role playing, suede floggers, uggghhh so good. Ed my man nipple clamps on us are out of this world. B might like them too. Dildo's, vibrators, butt plugs…"

I growled, "nothing is going inside Bella but me!" It bristled me to no end to think about something being where my divining rod should be.

"Alright, geez dude, don't get your underwear in a bunch."

"How can I get my underwear in a bunch when they're on your head?" I pointed out.

"ARRRGGHHHH, EDWARD JIZZ COUTIES," he screamed grabbing them off his head tossing them into the bag along with the stick and running upstairs. We heard the shower start and I had to laugh.

"I wouldn't laugh too much 'oh naked people' you need to get going upstairs too. I'll see you later." And Jazz flew out into the garage to get the cleaning supplies.

"So now we're 'the naked people' interesting title," Bella laughed, "but not nearly as interesting as this turn of events. Who would have thought Renee's gift was something I dreamt about?"

"What?" That certainly didn't make any sense.

"Well, it got us naked, together, at the same time, in the same room, with you wrapped around me and lots of potential."

"OHHH, OHHH." Little slow there on the uptake Edward, but I was going to rectify that immediately.

I lifted Bella off the counter and jogged us upstairs. Oh dear god in heaven, my cock was bouncing against her wetness. FUCK ME! Yeah, that's probably what Bella was thinking.

I turned the shower on and stepped us inside. Bella's legs came down trapping my cock in between them and I couldn't help myself as I thrust a few times.

She moaned, I moaned, I kissed her; she kissed me, all the while we pushed and pulled against one another like Dr. Doolittle's push-me-pull-you with her squeezing her legs tightly around my expansion rod.

She was dripping, I was dripping, I was shivering, she was shivering, when she reached back running her fingers across the top bolt, I shook, she shook, we both were shaking our groove thing before the bolt was blown out of the rod and washed down the drain.

I yelled her name, she yelled mine, we were so NSync, there would be no bye bye bye going on here ever.

+ + = ф + ȫ = , hmmm ~ ʘ


I quickly washed, changed and headed outside for the bonfire. Carefully lighting some wood, I waited until it got going enough where I could just toss the bag onto it. God burning plastic seriously reeked. While I was watching the fire to be sure no embers ignited the forest, I heard one or two of the wolves approaching. Shit hope it wasn't Sam or worse yet, Paul, the dude needed some serious anger management classes.

"Hey Em, what's going on with the fire?" Seth asked.

"Ah nothing much, just burning some evidence."

"What do you mean evidence? Did you kill somebody?" Colin asked with a look of shock on his face.

"Jeesh dude, what's with the negativity all the time? You've got to be positive like me and Seth here. You'll have more fun that way, like that time Seth and I spooked a herd of deer into a stampede at Paul."

"Yeah, that was a blast. Paul still can't figure out what happened."

"Huh, so how did you keep them from finding out when you shift?"

"Little trick, I've learned is to set it to the far reaches of my mind hidden under my thoughts of porno. And, Em, thanks for that idea, works like a charm."

"No shit." Colin exclaimed.

"No shit indeed, keeps Edward out of my head by picturing Rosie naked and doing stuff like sucking my dick."

"Damn you guys are smart. I totally need to get on board with this and hang with ya more often. So whatcha burning?"

"So here's the deal, Alice can't stand the smell, well sight too, of Crocs and Bella came over wearing a pair so we had to get rid of everything they touched. Jasper has bleached the floors and stuff in the house and now he's heading over to Bella's to grab her some new clothes. He should be back any minute."

"Your sister is one seriously weird person, the smell of crocs aren't as bad as the smell of those vinyl jackets and stuff. Now those reek." Seth stated.

"Yeah, well, weird is a given with Alice. We're just trying to protect our asses from her wrath. Seth's seen what she's like when she's on a tear and besides Jasper plans on sexing up his wife tonight with some new sex toys." I'm kind of dying to know what he bought.

"Hot damn, I'm so joining Jake's pack and hanging with you guys from now on. Sam and Paul are a pain in the ass and BORRRRRING."

"That's cool, Jake won't mind, he's very open and relaxed, kind of like me." I was relaxed enough for the whole Cullen Clan and thank god since there were so many uptight vamps.

"Hey, I think everything's burned up, let's head up to the house and chill, maybe throw some shrimp on the barbie for you guys since Esme always has butt load of food."

We started walking up to the house when we heard the screaming, "EMMETT CULLEN WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEY?"

"Oh shit, who the hell is that?"

"Colin, that's Alice and I told you she was weird." Seth confirmed his earlier statement.

"I'm not sure we should go in there yet, let her calm down." I told them.

We waited about five minutes and didn't hear anything so we walked in the door. Should've known better, she was standing there mumbling to herself. 'I know something's not right, it's got to be him, and what the hell are those two doing upstairs, didn't see that coming.' Yeah, little bro and B were exploring. Good for them, maybe they'll be more fun now, or at least it'll loosen up his tight ass.

We stood there and then she looked up, pointing her finger at me, "YOU," ah shit.

"I didn't do anything."

"Where are they? And, don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about! It's always YOU, YOU, YOU."

"Alice you are totally off your nut. It's not ME, ME, ME," I huffed, the nerve of this woman accusing me.

"Yeah Alice, it wasn't him we were with him." Seth tried to cover for me.

"I don't believe you, come here Emmett."

"Oh no, no you don't." I started backing away.

I started running through the house with her hot on my heels. 'Edward a little help here, I need a distraction to get away. Come on, I'm not going to let my little sis be attacked by the crazy ass bitch. I'll take whatever heat is coming, but a little help would be nice.' I thought to him.

"Hey Alice, what's going on down there? Don't destroy the house Esme will be pissed and you'll lose your shopping privileges." I heard Edward yell.

'Thank you.' I thought to him as I quickly exited the house into the backyard with Seth and Colin following me. Weird Alice didn't follow.

Just then Jasper ran up behind us and Colin jumped.

"What's with the jumping, get a grip, it's only Jazz, dude." Seth said.

"Yeah it's only the J man, you need to seriously relax. I think we'll take you to a nice strip club after this." He seriously needed to join Jake's pack; the kid was wound tighter than my Rosie when I tie her to the bed.

"Well that's probably because I'm scary," Jasper grinned.

"Scary my ass, the only one that's scary is your wife right now. It's kind of why we're out here; she's in there freaking the fuck out."

"Greattt, there goes my night." Forget your night, how about my life being on the line here. I'm going to end up dying again!


I just know they're fucking in here, I can smell them, and it has to be Emmett since he's the only one crazy enough to bring them into the house. I'm sure he's doing it to torture me as one of his pranks.

I can't believe Edward just distracted me. Since when does he get involved? I need to find out what he knows.

I pounded on his door, "okay what's up with the distraction? What do you know?" I demanded.

"Go away Alice we're busy." The nerve of him trying to blow me off.

"Open up or I'll break the door down."

"We're naked, go away." He said. What the hell since when did they get this far and why didn't I see this coming?

"Well get un-naked, NOW." I demanded.

"No Alice, I'm in the middle of things." Bella said. I could hear her kissing him and I was fuming.

"Forget the kissing and get out here."

"I'm not kissing exactly. I'm sucking his cock; now go away before I interrupt you when you're getting it on with Jasper." Bella bluntly stated and I was taken aback by her bluntness and what she was doing.

"Fine, but don't think for one minute this is over." I was seething.

I headed back down to find Emmett once again because I knew it had to be him. I spotted him in the yard with Jasper, Seth and Colin. I needed to sneak up on them because I knew they were going to protect the 'fun machine' at all costs.

I exited out the side door and went into the woods doing a large loop so that I was now behind them. Like a gator, I stealthily lined myself up and pounced.

"Fucking hell Alice, what is wrong with you? You're going to scare the kid to death."

"Can I help it if he moved, I was aiming for you." It was too bad Colin moved and it was him I pounced on, but they were all laughing so I made my move again.

"Ah ha, got you." I grabbed Em's leg and quickly removed his sock and shoe.

"Aaa geez Alice what is wrong with you?"

"As if you don't know." I quickly pulled his foot up to my nose and sniffed it several times.

Huh, doesn't smell like crocs, maybe he cleaned it enough. I grabbed his other foot removing the footwear and smelled it several times. Nothing, so I went back to the other one.

"Are you through psycho sister? My feet are getting cold."

"Your feet don't get cold you loon."

"Looks who's talking foot-sniffer, if that isn't loon behavior I don't know what is." The guys were hysterical laughing. I swear Colin was going to bust a gut.

"FINE, I'll find them and when I do you're going down my brother and your little minions too."

"You'll find nothing and when you don't you owe me an apology."

"Oh I'll find them." I started out on my search.


The chick was seriously deranged. We all stood around watching her go from room to room inside the house, but avoiding Edward's room. Good for Bella saying what she said, but I seriously hoped Edward was getting a little afternoon delight. The dude seriously needed it, more so than Colin over here needed to relax.

"Hey Seth, so does this kind of shit go on over here all the time?" Colin asked.

"Pretty much, you never know what's going to go on over here at any given moment." Seth said.

"Yeah, I can see that and can totally understand why you hang here. Hell, I'm coming with you from now on. This is a heck of a lot more entertaining than cliff diving."

"Totally, we're more fun than a barrel of monkeys over here and you're welcome any time." I told Colin.

"That and Esme cooks a ton of food for me and Bella. And Bella eats like a bird and I don't have to fight the guys for anything like at Emily's since these guys don't eat. It's a win-win if you ask me." Seth declared.

"Well you can count me in from now on."

Just then Bella and Edward emerged from Edward's room. They were glowing. Well I guess three hours of alone time is a good start and beside the rents were due home shortly.

"Hey, what's going on?" Bella asked.

"Nothing much, Alice pounced on Colin," Bella's eyes went wide with concern, "by accident as he moved into her line as she was in flight heading towards Em. She then removed his socks and shoes and started smelling his feet. Colin has realized that it's much more fun over here and is now joining our group. Oh, and Alice is still trying to sniff out the crocs, she's around here someplace." Seth informed Bella and Edward.

"No way, we missed the foot sniffing." Bella laughed while Edward pulled her tighter in his arms and he laughed too. Excellent, he's loosening up.

"Here B, I made you a sandwich, thought you needed a little fuel after all you afternoon activity with my bro over here. Hope he didn't wear you out," I wiggled my eyebrows at them.

"Nope, but I think I might have worn him out, so he might need to hunt tonight."

"I'll give you worn out." Edward said and started kissing and licking her neck. HOLY SHIT, what's with the freewheeling Edward, I liked him, ah who am I kidding I love him. He was going to be so much fun.

"Alright you horndogs, enough PDA, we've got company."

Bella ate her sandwich and it wasn't long before we heard, "AHHH HAAAAA, found it." Alice screamed.

I looked at Edward, he looked at me. 'shit let's go see what she found. You all stay behind me, because if you need to grab Bella and run, just do it no questions. I'll hold her back as long as I can.'

We walked to the front door and opened it. The sight that greeted us was bizarre to say the least and I know bizarre because I am bizarre on a good day.

"Alice, what in the world are you doing?" Jasper asked. Glad he asked that question.

"Trying to track the scent, it's here on the porch and the steps."

She was on all fours crawling around the porch sniffing the wood and then down the stairs heading to Bella's truck smelling the ground. Fuck we were caught. I looked at Jasper and Edward and they realized it too. We forgot to bleach the porch and the dirt on the way to Bella's truck. And then she ripped the door of the truck open.

"HERE THEY ARE!" she declared, "did you really think I wouldn't find them? I have to admit that hiding them in Bella's truck was a genius idea. I'm surprised Emmett, you've come a long way, but now you're caught and I will have my pound of flesh from you."

Before I could say anything Bella slipped out of Edward's grasp and in front of me. She had her hands on her hips and a look of fury on her face that caused us group of guys to take a step back. Stupid we're not, the tiger was out of the bag and I wasn't foolish enough to play with it.

"ALICE CULLEN, YOU STOP RIGHT THERE," she screamed pointing her finger at Alice.

'Whoa Edward, your chick is mighty fearsome. I would recommend never angering her. Holy crap, I hope Rose gets here to see this, she'd be proud of Bella standing up to Alice.' And just as I thought that Rose pulled up in her car, got out and came to my side to watch the faceoff at the Cullen Corral.

"You stop protecting Emmett, he's the gator instigator and I've got the proof right here." She screamed back waving the bag in her hand. "And by the way, what the fuck was that with the whole I can't come to the door because we're naked and I'm sucking Edward's cock?"

Holy shit, I can't believe she went there and they say I'm the inappropriate one. By the way Bella was turning red, I wasn't sure if it was from anger or embarrassment. I chanced a look at Edward and he gave me a little eyebrow lift. 'Ahh sorry dude, welcome to the wide open vamp life where there are no secrets, although even I wouldn't have done this to you, just sayin'.'

I reached my hand behind my back and gave him a fist which he pounded his fist back at me. God I love this more relaxed Edward.

"You know nothing. First, I can't believe you just said that in front of everyone. Second, so what, I don't need to explain myself to YOU! Finally, those are MY crocs, so you put them right back where you found them."

"Seriously, you can't tell me you went shopping and bought something. You hate shopping and refuse to use Edward's credit card."

"I don't hate shopping. It's just the type of shopping you do that I hate, god it's like being on a forced death march in the dessert or the Ho Chi Minh trail. No stopping to feed and water the human. SOOOO NOT FUN, but shopping with Edward is fun." Wow Bella was something else, and we couldn't help letting a little laugh escape at that last statement, even Colin and Seth seemed to be impressed with her going toe-to-toe with a vamp. She then looked back at Edward and winked. What the hell was that all about, I need the information, and you're so dishing lil bro.

"You know Alice, why don't you just let it go. Bella says they're hers so it's over." Rose stepped forward to stand with Bella.

"Stay out of this Rose; you're just protecting your hubs over there."

"Of course I'm protecting him and standing with Bella because she's right. You need to take it down a few notches."

"Thanks Rose, appreciate your support." Bella said and Rose now had her hands on her hips too. Our women were awesome, hot damn. I had to adjust myself and I saw out of the corner of my eye Edward doing the same.

"No it's not, I want answers." She demanded and Jasper decided now was a good time to fly to her side since she calmed down a bit. Maybe him touching her will help; I know it helps with me and Edward when our women touch us.

"Now darlin' come on, Bella already said they were hers."

She smelled the air and rounded on him, "YOU, YOU SMELL LIKE BLEACH. YOU WERE INVOLVED IN THIS PRANK COVERUP. How could you do that to me?"

Ahh crap, poor Jasper, I just decided to throw myself under the bus. The dude had new sex toys after all I thought and I heard Edward gasp at the realization of what I was about to do, "no Alice, they're mine." I defeatedly admitted.

"Alice, they're mine. They work great when we phase because they just fall off, right Colin." Seth said and what was weird that kind of made sense.

"Absolutely, I have a pair too." Colin lied smoothly. Damn they're good at that just like vamps.

"Sorry, they're mine, I bought them." Edward stated and I was just like wow, the dude was finally on board with the family life.

"Okay, stop it everyone, I appreciate you trying to take the rap. Alice they are mine, my mother sent them to me as a gift and I brought them over here so that I could have a photo taken with Edward. I wanted her to see me happily wearing them. She never buys me anything, this was a first for her and I wanted to make sure she knew I appreciated them. I didn't do it on purpose. I had no idea these were going to make you become an unreasonable banshee. And who goes pounding on a bedroom door in the middle of the afternoon when you knew perfectly well there was no sleeping going on, huh?" Yeah that display of dominance had Edward about two seconds away from going Caveward on her. It was quite the turn on which was clear from his constant adjustments. 'Get used to it dude, it's always like this when our women get forceful.'

"Well Alice, I believe you owe everyone an apology. Especially Bella and Edward for interrupting their time together considering you know the rule." My Rosie demanded and boy was she hot like that. I'm going to go Cave-Em on her once this is over.

"What rule Rose?" Bella inquired.

"The unwritten one in this house that if a couple is behind closed doors, you leave them alone unless the house is on fire or we're being attacked."

"OH!" Bella exclaimed.

"Okay, okay, I'm really sorry Bella and Edward for disturbing you and saying those things and to everyone else as well. You just have to know how crazy that smell makes me." She admitted sheepishly.

"Alice, I had no idea and I won't wear them over here again, so can you please just put them back in my truck." Bella said that in an unnaturally calm tone, odd.

"Please don't hate me; I couldn't live if you hated me." Alice begged. She was after all her only friend which I understood.

"I don't hate you, you're my friend and even friends get a little nuts once in a while." Bella walked over and hugged Alice. "But, seriously Alice you were smelling Em's feet? That was kind of gross don't ya think?"

"Yeah I guess." We all started laughing.

"Wow, this house is certainly exciting," Colin exclaimed.

"Told ya." Seth smugly grinned at him.

"So Em, when are we heading for the strip club?"

"In a little while guys, first I need to welcome my Rosie home if you get my drift," I grinned and wiggled my eyebrows.

"What's this about a strip club?" Rose inquired.

"Nothing really, just promised the wolves I'd take them since Colin over here needs to loosen up a bit."

"Okay, but you should take your brothers too." Holy crap was Rosie actually thinking that those two stick in the muds were going to go with us? It would be great, but didn't see that happening.

"I'd be happy if Edward and Jasper came along. What do you say guys?" Bella's eyes went wide, but Rose was quick on the draw.

"Bella, its okay if they go, really, trust me. It gives the guys time to bond and have their man time together."


"But nothing, they don't touch anything or anyone because he knows I'd rip it off. The best thing is that they'll come home horny as fuck because all they think about is us being naked and not the ho's." And the devil just went down to Forks because she was looking for a soul to steal, she was in a bind, being behind, wants to deal, and she just stole your soul B because we know there is only one thing you want and that is a horny Edward. Not that he wasn't horny enough for an entire city, but this will be so much fun.

"Um Edward, did you want to go?" She meekly asked.

"Um…not really, but I'd go if Jasper goes."

"Okay, I really don't mind if you go with your brothers." She blushed at the thought.

"I'll go if Edward goes." Jasper said.

Oh screw this, time to pull the bulls by their dicks and move forward, I had a wife that needed to be fucked.

"That settles it; you're both going, end of discussion. Colin, Seth, meet us back here in three hours and bring whoever you want. Now, my Rosie time to welcome you home properly." I flew over tossing her over my shoulder and running us up to our room.


Holy Shit! Bella's display was such a fucking turn on that I was practically hard as a rock. I tried to will it into submission, but that wasn't working too well, damn fucker had a mind of his own. My constant adjustments had me hanging by a thread. I so wanted to grab and drag her into my room to have my wicked way with her.

Did I mention the fucking looks Em was giving me? I swear the dude knew and then when he thought to me that this happens all the time, I was shocked, who knew this would be such a turn on.

Then she winked at me about shopping, yeah, because while upstairs I saw her new bra and panties that Jazz retrieved from the house and I went from relaxed to full mast in 1.2 seconds. I apologized about the others that had to be burned; she shrugged and told me we could go shopping for more. WE! I couldn't wait. I was going to Victoria's Secret, and yeah sue me; the seventeen year old was doing the happy dance.

And now I'm apparently going to a strip club! I've never been, and Bella's okay with this, who the hell would have thought. Not that I really want to go, but if I can come home and be naked with Bella, I'd go to hell and back.

After Em took off with Rose, I couldn't refrain myself any longer, I grabbed Bella tossing her over my shoulder and ran us to my room for some more lovin' in the afternoon.

She swatted my ass and I yelped, "Fuck."

"Exactly." She responded and knew that I was so not going to be able to hold back anymore.

~ One Week Later ~


Rose was right, him going to the strip club made him return home so horny, I was wondering how he could even walk with the hard on he was sporting. And it didn't take him more than 2 seconds to attack and drag me off into our private sanctuary where we decided it was time to go all the way. Thank you Rose.

That is why that day that will be forever known as Croc-o-dile Rock since if it weren't for the crocs, Edward wouldn't have been so dialed up that he rocked my world so utterly and completely, four times and we've been rockin' ever since. Renee should only know it was the best gift ever!

With that being said, I was still pissed at Alice for outing the sexual things I was doing to Edward in front of everyone, so I thought a little revenge was in order. I contacted Seth and he gathered the guys at the house so that when I made the decision Alice wouldn't see it coming.

They were more than happy to help after Colin told everyone what goes on over here. Yeah, and Colin was pretty much a fixture over here now too. He's loosened up a lot just like Edward and everyone has become good friends.

After everyone was together, I asked, "so everyone knows their part, right?"

"Yup, oh naked sis of mine." Another thing, Em won't let that one go.

"Good, oh smelly foot bro of mine." I retorted back and everyone laughed.

"So Bells, you don't think she's going to go ballistic over this do you? I'm a little worried." Jake asked.

"Nope, she needs to lighten up and I think this plan is going to work nicely."

"Okay, if you say so, but please don't let this go horribly wrong and she'll want to join my pack to get away from you guys." We all had to laugh at that statement.

Since the night when Colin went to the strip club, he ended up joining Jake on more than one occasion. The other guys, Brady, Embry and Quil are over here all the time and keep saying they're joining Jake's pack much to the chagrin of Jake.

"Well, Jake dude, you do know if she joins you, Jasper's coming too." Emmett said with an arm around Jake's shoulder.

"Nooooo way. No offence Jasper, but I have my hands full with these guys."

"None taken. Hey, I hear the car, everyone take their places." Jasper said.

Alice walked in the door, Edward pressed the button for the music, she turned whispering 'no way there's that smell' and we started in on our routine as Elton John's Crocodile Rock blasted through the speakers.

Edward pulled me into his arms and we danced, he flipped me over his shoulder and I came around sliding down his body. We had practiced that move A LOT because sometimes I would make a mistake, sometimes him. Yeah, we were both making mistakes on purpose, but neither of us cared as we were having fun.

Emmett not to be outdone by anything materialized with a microphone and started singing the song himself with Rose. We laughed as we all danced. Alice was standing there slack jawed just watching us.

Our final move was coming up. I slid between Edward's legs and back out twisting as he tossed me in the air so that Seth caught me. Carlisle did the same with Esme with Colin catching her. Jasper tossed Rose and Jake caught her. Then the three guys twisted and danced until they tossed us to Brady, Quil and Emby. We were having a ball and then the music ended and we all turned and bowed to Alice.

After about thirty seconds she came to her senses and started clapping her hands. "Wow that was…Wow." OMG, Alice Cullen is speechless, my work is done here.

"Alice, I got you a present." I walked towards her and handed her a box.

"What's this? How come I didn't see you buying this? How did I not see you planning this?" She gave me the evil eye.

"I may or may not have gone shopping with Colin. I may or may not have made the decision when I was talking to Jake about doing this. Just open the box and find out."

She ripped into the paper and opened the box. "What are these? They smell like crocs, feel like crocs, look like crocs on the inside, but yet look nothing like them at all. They're actually pretty."

"They're crocs, Patricia II are there name." I smugly stated.

"But I don't understand they're not ugly."

"Alice dear, you know you should be a little more open to things. Crocs have evolved." Esme said with her arm around Alice.

"Oh mom, you're so wise. I closed myself off to considering they might change. And dad, don't think I didn't notice you're wearing that tie with the black sheep Edward gave you. I always thought that was a very funny statement that we were that black sheep among the humans. That was a great choice by the way Edward." Edward smiled and hugged me tighter.

"As if we're just as much that too." Seth stated.

"Oh pfft, please everyone thinks they're the black sheep. How about me I hang out with wolves and vamps, huh?"

"Yeah, lil sis you are kinda the black sheep for hanging out with those vamps and wolves, but not me and Seth since we're totally cool and all." Emmett grinned and wiggled his eyebrows at me. We all rolled our eyes and I could feel Edward's chest starting to rumble so I rubbed his arms that were wrapped around me to calm him.

"You missy are so not the black sheep, you're my friend and I love you. Thank you for these, I love them." She hugged me, then stepped back and put the crocs on her feet.

She walked forward toward Jasper and as she passed the stereo pressed the button for the song to play again. Holding her hand out to him, "my sweetheart, would you do me the honor of dancing with me?"

"Darlin' I'd dance with you anytime, anyplace, until the end of time, you never have to ask." He said as he bowed his head and kissed her hand.

All us ladies swooned a little and let out an 'awww' and the guys just gave Jasper the evil eye for pulling out his southern charm.

I turned in Edward's arms slipping my hands up into his hair, leaned up kissing him on the lips and whispered, "don't worry, I love you my Victorian gentlemen and only you make me swoon so completely." I also like my un-gentlemanly Victorian too, he was HOT.

The music started and Jasper was flipping Alice all around. It was amazing watching the two of them they move so smoothly together.

I heard Quil whisper to Embry, "we are so joining Jake's pack; this house is like one big party zone." He seriously had no idea what he said was so true.

The song then changed to Unchained Melody and I placed my leg in between Edward's and started a little slow dirty dancing with him. I heard him groan at the words 'I hunger for your touch' which might have been because my hands were slowly sliding up his chest as I pressed tightly against him.

In a surprising move, I was tossed over his shoulder as he jogged us up the steps. I swatted his ass whispering, "giddy up vamp boy."

"Fuck," he moaned.

"Exactly." I said and Edward Rocked My World over and over.

A/N: Go ahead and review you know you want to, otherwise I'll have Bella toss Edward's underwear on your head. Oh, wait a minute, you guys would probably like that too much! Thank you for reading my little insanity. BTW, the sheep and fire hydrant ties were made by Hermes, someone I know had them. Yeah, Unchained Melody ended up in there because I saw one too many commercials for the Broadway play Ghost.