(It is morning in Pallet Town in 1998. Pokemon Red and Blue has just been released to the United States several days ago, but it's still too early for anybody to give a whack about it. RED has awakened on this morning, the sun streaming into his bedroom window. Excitedly, he springs out of bed and gets dressed in a rush)

RED
Finally! It's time! Today, I'm ten years old! That means I can finally embark on a long, dangerous journey, fighting animals that could potentially kill me, begging for rooms from strange pink-haired women, and having legal cockfights with other trainers to earn money! What a job!

(RED runs down the stairs to the kitchen, where his mother is sitting at the table, juxtapositioned right by the counters and stove)

RED'S MOTHER
Red, sweetie, congratulations! You're ten years old today! You finally get to go to Professor Oak's lab and get your starter Pokemon! Then you'll embark on your journey and—

RED
-fight animals that could potentially kill me, beg for rooms from strange pink-haired women, and have legal cockfights with other trainers to earn money?

RED'S MOTHER
No! You won't dip into my savings account anymore! I can finally buy high-price condoms again!

RED
Mom, are you going to come with me to Professor Oak's lab to see what Pokemon I choose?

RED'S MOTHER
No thank you. I'm just going to sit here in the kitchen for all eternity, unmoving from this spot, speaking to no one. Instead, I'll just wait for you to come home every once in a while, heal your team, and then send you on your way again! I also might make the occasional sandwich, because that's what women are born to do!

(RED departs the house and heads in PROFESSOR OAK's lab)

OAK
Red! Are you stupid? It's five o'clock in the morning and you woke me up before I was able to have my morning wank! Old men like me just can't get it up on a regular basis anymore!

RED
I'm here for my Pokemon, Professor Oak.

OAK
Couldn't you have waited an hour or so?

RED
I'm sorry, Professor! I was just so excited! Didn't you feel the same way when you were ten and starting out on your Pokemon journey?

OAK
Well, I suppose you're right. I wanted to get right out there and catch a Ralts so I could have a sexy Gardevoir in a few battles. Until I realized Ralts lived in the Hoenn region, not here. Anyway. Which Pokemon do you want?

RED
Well, what do you have?

OAK
I have a Charmander, a Squirtle, and a Bulbasaur.

RED
All those are boring. Don't you have something else? Like a Mew?

OAK
Don't be foolish. Mew only appears if you flash a tree and make turkey noises. I do have a Metapod, though.

RED
Cool! I'll take it!

OAK
(Hands Red a Pokeball) Congratulations, Red! You obtained your first Pokemon, a Metapod! Would you like to nickname him?

RED
How about Penis?

OAK
Good choice, my boy. Penis the Metapod it is.

RED
Hooray!

(At this moment, BLUE storms in)

BLUE
Hey, Gramps! I turn ten today, too! I heard from my sister that Red was down here, picking out a Pokemon! How come you didn't tell me? I want one too!

OAK
Oh! (Turns to RED) This is your RIVAL. He is my grandson. You two have been rivals since you were babies.

RED
I knew that already.

BLUE
Cut the narration, Gramps.

OAK
Erm… what was his name again?

BLUE
Gramps, it's me, Blue. I live right next door to the lab. Don't you recognize me?

(RED smirks and gestures to OAK. OAK bends down and turns his ear for RED to murmur into while BLUE stands in complete and utter confusion)

OAK
(Standing upright again) Right! His name is BOOBIES!

BLUE
GRAMPS! I'm BLUE! (Glowers at RED)

RED
(Grinning) Just go with it, man.

BLUE/BOOBIES
Whatever. Anyway, Gramps, I demand my Pokemon right now! Tell me what you have so I can make a choice!

OAK
Bulbasaur, Charmander, and Squirtle.

BLUE/BOOBIES
What does Red have?

OAK
A Metapod.

BLUE/BOOBIES
Haha! Then I'll take the obvious type advantage against Metapod! (Grabs a Pokeball off the table before OAK and turns to RED confidently) C'mon, Red! I challenge you to a battle!

RED
Ugh, what a pain! Fine. Go, Penis! (Releases his Metapod from the Pokeball)

BLUE/BOOBIES
Go, Squirtle! (Pokeball reveals a small sky-blue turtle)

OAK
Boobies, that isn't the type advantage. Water does very little damage to the Bug type—

BLUE/BOOBIES
My name is BLUE, GRAMPS!

RED
The peanut gallery should quit squabbling! I'm all geared for attack! Penis? (METAPOD looks attentive) Use Harden. (Starts to snicker)

BLUE/BOOBIES
(Rolls his eyes) Really, dude? That's so mature.

PENIS's DEFENSE rose!

BLUE/BOOBIES
I know how to combat this! Get ready to eat dirt, Red! Squirtle, use Tail Whip!

PENIS's DEFENSE fell!

RED
Penis, use Harden!

PENIS's DEFENSE rose!

BLUE/BOOBIES
Squirtle, use Tail Whip!

PENIS's DEFENSE fell!

OAK
Oy, I'm too old to be watching this crap. I'd rather die watching a naked woman. (Shuffles off)

(The battle goes on for many centuries. Wars are fought, babies are born, and OAK's virginity is lost)

BLUE/BOOBIES
This is taking too long!

RED
Yeah, I guess so. I really have to pee. And I haven't eaten in days.

BLUE/BOOBIES
Shall we call it a draw?

RED
Sure, I'm all for that. But why can't we call it an oil paint or a graphite pencil or a charcoal?

BLUE/BOOBIES
You don't know anything about art, dummy.

RED
Yes, I do! I named my Metapod Penis! That's really artistic.

BLUE/BOOBIES
I rest my case. Also, I was lying. SQUIRTLE, USE HYPER BEAM!

(SQUIRTLE blasts PENIS with an explosion of light. PENIS faints and BLUE/BOOBIES wins the battle)

RED
WHAT? THAT ISN'T EVEN LEGAL!

BLUE/BOOBIES
Says who? This is a legal cockfight. Anything goes.

RED
Squirtle can't even learn Hyper Beam without a TM!

BLUE/BOOBIES
I know that. I gave this pathetic reptile the TM for it.

RED
No, you didn't. You've had Squirtle for all of five seconds! I was here with you the entire time! You just cheated!

BLUE/BOOBIES
Too bad! I still won anyway! Now give me 5000 Pokedollars.

RED
I'm ten years old! I don't have that kind of money!

BLUE/BOOBIES
Then give me your clothes.

(Several minutes later, RED is standing completely naked sans his hat and BLUE/BOOBIES is holding a pile of RED's folded clothes)

BLUE/BOOBIES
(Giving him a once-over) Dude, nice. It's kind of small, though.

RED
My Metapod is huge! Stop judging it!

BLUE/BOOBIES
Whatever. Clearly, your balls haven't dropped yet. (Waves condescendingly) Alright, I'm out of here! Smell ya later, bro! I'll be beating you again! Ha! Ha ha!

RED
I'll get you, Boobies!

BLUE/BOOBIES
(Clenches teeth) MY. NAME. IS. BLUE.