(RED and the OLD MAN make their way back to Viridian City. With three partners in hand, RED bids goodbye to his elderly friend and makes his way through the Viridian Forest, brutally massacring bug catchers on the way there and leaving their severed limbs in a pool of rancid blood. Once he emerges in Pewter City, RED is again completely naked, having accidentally lost track of his clothes during a game of strip poker with a WEEDLE. Without further ado, RED enters the Pewter City Gym to challenge BROCK, the master of Rock-type Pokemon)

RED
(Shouting into the dark gym) Yooooooooooooouuuuuuuuu! I want to challenge youuuuuuuu!

BROCK
(As floodlights soak the battlefield in white light, BROCK stands on a slightly elevated, flat boulder with two Pokeballs strapped to his waist) Challenger! I accept your—OH MY GOD. ARE YOU NAKED? (Recoils, horrified) Put on some decency and come back later!

RED
Hey! That's not fair! I'm just embracing the beauty of the male body.

BROCK
So you're gay?

RED
Absolutely not! Just because I like to lovingly gaze at my own junk doesn't mean that. Besides, how can you see me through those squinty eyes of yours?

BROCK
RACIST! GET OUT OF MY GYM!

RED
NO, BATTLE!

BROCK
FINE, BATTLE!

RED
WRRRRROOOOOOOAAAARRRR!

BROCK
!

RED
PENISGO! (Throws out a Pokeball, and PENIS the Metapod is born from a splash of shimmer)

BROCK
Onix, get them! (Tosses a Pokeball, and an ONIX appears)

RED
Whoa, cool! We both have phallic Pokemon! We must be brothers.

BROCK
I'LL NEVER BE BROTHERS WITH A GAY RACIST!

RED
I told you, I'm not gay!

BROCK
Onix, use Bind!

(ONIX squeezes PENIS in a vicegrip with a roar, refusing to relent)

RED
Crap. Penis, use Harden! (Grins) That will never get old.

(However, instead of glowing with the familiar Harden defense raising, PENIS begins to glow. Shedding its shell, PENIS no longer lives its miserable life as a Metapod—it is now a BUTTERFREE!)

Congratulations! Your PENIS is now a BUTTERFREE!

RED (Cont.)
Whoa, Penis is a Butterfree!

PENIS
SHUT UP, MAN! THAT'S THE MOST IMMATURE NAME FOR A POKEMON!

RED
… You talk?

PENIS
YES! AND FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, PUT ON SOME CLOTHES, YOU INCORRIGABLE NUDIST! (Coughs) I mean… uh… freefreefree!

RED
Huh, that must've been my imagination. Missingno is messing up my brain.

BROCK
YOU HAVE A MISSINGNO? THAT'S ILLEGAL! YOU'RE NOT ONLY GAY AND A RACIST, BUT ALSO A CRIMINAL!

RED
Did I say Missingno? I meant Magikarp. PENISUSESLEEPPOWDER!

PENIS
Jesus, fine. (PENIS flies over the ONIX, spreading a blue dusting on the battleground. ONIX yawns and curls up on the ground, fast asleep)

The foe ONIX fell asleep!

BROCK
NOW YOU'RE A RAPIST!

RED
Heck no! I don't even know where the genitals are on that thing. It's a giant rock snake.

PENIS
Where there's a will, there's always a way.

BROCK
Did that Butterfree just talk?

PENIS
(Desperate) FREEFREE!

RED
Penis! Hit that Onix with a Solarbeam!

(PENIS takes in sunlight. It flies stagnantly as RED waits impatiently for it to attack)

RED (Cont.)
I said, use Solarbeam!

BROCK
Now you're stupid, too! When Sunny Day hasn't triggered a weather change in the battle, you have to wait for a turn before the attack fires!

RED
Well, screw that! Whose decision was it to make this cheap move, anyway?

BROCK
The same guys who devised Hyper Beam?

RED
(Cringes and growls) HYYYYPPPEEERRRR BEAAAAAMMMMM.

(Suddenly, ONIX stirs and opens its eyes, standing at attention again)

The foe ONIX woke up!

RED
OBJECTION! It only stayed asleep for one turn! I CALL HAX ON YOUR ASS!

BROCK
(Ignores him) Onix, use Water Gun!

(ONIX stares confusedly at BROCK before shaking its head disparagingly and turning to PENIS and opening its mouth. However, nothing comes out)

The foe ONIX used Water Gun!
But it failed!

PENIS
LOL. Idiot.

RED
PENIS, USE SOLARBEAM!

(PENIS attacks ONIX in a huge rage of sunny beams, knocking the Pokemon back in a one-hit KO)

You defeated GYM LEADER BROCK!

BROCK
WHAT? I LOST TO A GAY, RACIST RAPIST WHO FLUNKED HIS SAT TEST?

RED
I object again! I'm ten! I've never taken the SAT.

BROCK
Whatever. Here's the BoulderBadge. Get the hell out of my gym.

BROCK handed over the BOULDERBADGE!

RED
Yay! I've beaten my first gym leader!

PENIS
SHUT UP. I BEAT HIM FOR YOU. I DESERVE THAT GODDAMN BADGE.

RED
What?

PENIS
Uh… freefree?