This is posted with tongue firmly in cheek and loosely based off/inspired by The Secretary's Lament author unknown.
A poem by Thom E. Gemcity
THE AUTHOR'S LAMENT.
If an author writes a drabble it's too short
But if it's a multi-chapter it's too long
If you write with dialog and description then they'll suggest you add a song
If you write one pairing they'll want another
Or suggest Tommy is more like Lisa's brother
If you write slash then they'll want gen
Or evil senior or whumped Tommy again
If you write crack they'll wish it were told straight
Never mind that with it you were up oh so late
If you write from one character's point of view
They'll scream others should get a look in too
If a story with action you pack
They'll say a case fic looking for facts is what you lack
And when picking an update time authors can never catch a break
With reader interest at stake
Whatever interval you choose
You will be sure to lose
With those that think it's too long or short
Between the two you will be caught
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
If reviewers won't write it then an author must!