Once upon a time, there was a game called Shadow the Hedgehog, which starred Silver the Hedg- I mean Shadow. Yes, Shadow the Hedgehog. How I forgot is beyond me. In thos game, Shadow wielded guns and fought aliens and a bunch of other things the fanbase didn't like. But then, I thought long and hard about the game's aspects and then I wondered: what would the other games Shadow starred in be like if he wielded guns? Well, here's your answer, whether you were wondering or not. So sit back, relax, and watch Shadow be a trigger happy asshole.
What If? Trigger Happy Shadow
Sonic Adventure 2
Sonic raced toward the Eclipse Cannon as Shadow teleported feet in front of him, being unable to catch up to him. However, Sonic was easily handing his ass to him, showing him how he's not the ultimate lifeform and how much he sucks. After Sonic dodged another one of his Chaos Spears, Shadow finally had enough.
"This is the ultimate-" warned Shadow.
"Ultimate what? ULTIMATE WHAT? No offense, but that's getting really annoyi-"
"-machine gun." finished Shadow, pulling out a machine gun from out of nowhere. Before Sonic could show his disbelief Shadow shot him in the kneecaps, causing Sonic to fall down and thanks to a dumb thing called physics and momentum, he fell forward and rolled a bit before landing on his face. As Shadow started another Chaos Spear attack that Sonic could not avoid, Sonic raised his fist to the air, cursing a man for implementing a tripping mechanic in a game that hasn't even been made yet.
And then he got Chaos Speared. Shadow blew the smoke away from his gun before walking away like a badass.
Rouge the Bat and Omega sat in the shadow of a palm tree, watching Shadow cause chaos. Ordinarily, Omega would have been used to dispatch groups of enemies, but due to his sudden newfound attraction to guns, Shadow took the job instead, running through groups of enemies and shooting them with a large array of weapons. While Rouge was happy that she wouldn't have to do any work, Omega was not happy at all.
"WHAT GOOD AM I IF I CAN'T BE THE TANK OF OUR TEAM?" said Omgea as somber as a robot could get.
Rouge moved her head to avoid a flying robot head before replying. "Well you're still..." She tried to think of something Omega could be useful for but was ultimately stumped. "...Sorry. I got nothing."
Shadow was finally done trashing all of Eggman's robots, reloading his weapons. "I'm done. Are we going to move on or what?"
"...MAY I ACTUALLY FIGHT IN OUR NEXT ENCOUNTER?" asked Omega.
"I don't need you. I can handle these guys on my own."
Omega responded by taking Shadow's guns and snapping them in half. Shadow reluctantly let Omega fight the next wave of robots they ran into, pretending to shoot at the robots while ignoring Rouge's advances.
Sonic the Hedgehog 2006
"Hey, Hyper bro. Don't bring a terrible mechanic into an already terrible game." said Sonic. Yes, it's that bad if even the hero admits that his own game was terrible.
Shadow didn't like the sound of that and shot Sonic with a shotgun.
Silver picked up the shotgun with his powers and smashed it against the wall. "Play fair."
"So says the idiot with psychic powers." muttered Shadow, looking at the remnants of his gun mournfully.
"What did you say?"
"Um, I think I need medical help. Just saying..." moaned Sonic on the floor of wherever they were.
Now put a trigger happy Shadow in a 2D space where he could just shoot straight and still be able to hit stuff. The cost of his ammunition was ridiculous and so were everyone's hospital bills.
Sonic and the Black Knight
"Guns shouldn't exist yet!" screamed Sonic as he ran away screaming from Shadow, who was shooting at him on horseback while waving his sword around in his other hand like Paul Revere, except more awesome and Paul Revere probably never did this.
Fortunately, this time around, Shadow was on their side and thanks to the rules of RPGs, he could only shoot once per turn. Everyone could breathe a little easier around Shadow for once.
"Thanks for nerfing him Bioware!" thanked Sonic.
Shadow wasted his next turn shooting Sonic in the face.
It was Sonic Adventure 2 all over again, but this time, Sonic was more clever and faster. He dodged all of Shadow's bullets with grace and swagger as Shadow got increasingly annoyed.
And that's when he said it.
"You're too slow!" mocked Sonic.
Shadow appeared right in front of him and stuck out his leg, creating the hilarious reenactment of Sonic flying forward and tumbling around like a pair of dice. Sonic looked up to see a pistol in his face. He frowned; Shadow's killed and shot him so many times that it's more of an annoyance then traumatic. "Son of a-"
Sonic looked at his medical bills. Although he easily recovered, he still had Shadow's bullets stuck in his body and he had to pay to get them removed. And considering how many times Shadow shot him, this meant a lot of painful removal surgeries and a lot of money lost. "If I find the 'genius' who gave Shadow guns, I'm going to roundhouse kick them."
Somewhere, several SEGA employees shuddered in fear in their sleep.
Hope you enjoyed your helping of crack fiction! Remember to leave reviews and tip your waitresses!