Coffee & Scissors
You watch her. You always do. You don't know why you do it or what's so fascinating about her. Your eyes just seem to find her on their own accord. They fix themselves on her eyes, they watch as she flips her hair back before they flick down to her lips. You watch her smile and you can't help but find it adorable how her nose scrunches up when she laughs. The sway of her hips draws you in and you love the way she captures her bottom lip between her teeth, before releasing it again, tongue darting out to moisten those soft pink lips. You don't know why you feel this way. Why your heart speeds up when she touches you or why you could explode with happiness when she just as much as smiles your way. Sometimes it nearly sickens you, this feeling. You don't want to feel this way. Not about her. Why can't you feel this way about Beck? You love him, you know you do. But as much as you try it, you can't forget her. She's like a shadow, always with you even when you can't see her. At first, she just lightly pricks your skin, but it doesn't take long before she claws her hands into you. Her nails sink deeper and deeper and, even though it hurts so much, you love this feeling she inflicts on you. You love that she can make you feel so alive, that she's able to make you feel so many emotions all at once without even doing anything. You love it, all of it, you love…her. God yes, you love her and it's not okay. You're supposed to be in love with Beck and that you are. At least you think so. He never makes you feel remotely as good as she does. And you can't explain it and you hate it. It's stupid to feel so strongly about someone who clearly doesn't return your feelings.
But that's the thing.
You're not sure about her feelings for you. Does she just want to be your friend? Maybe that's everything. But no, it couldn't be. Every so often you would catch her staring at you but she'd quickly avert her eyes, a blush rising up on her cheeks. She frequently touches you without actually having a reason for it and you wonder every time if she longs for your touch just as much as you long for hers. She's so freaking nice to you, all the time, and if she were any other person you would probably have the urge to punch her in the face. But her kindness just attracts you more and, God, you hate that. But you have to know, you just have to know how she feels about you. Maybe it's just wishful thinking and you're probably going to make a fool out of yourself but at least then you can concentrate fully on Beck again.
You corner her after class one day, your face hard as stone as you grab her wrist and drag her into the janitor's closet. She's confused and at first, you just stare at her, not saying a word. She calls out your name, her voice so loaded with concern that you can't take it anymore. Everything she makes you feel bubbles up inside of you, explodes, and the speech you so carefully planned out in your head is long forgotten as you push her against the wall, crashing your lips onto hers. She's shocked at first but then she kisses you back with as much passion as she can muster. When the need to breathe overwhelms you, you pull away and try to fill your lungs with air again, Tori gasping in your arms and tightly gripping at your sides. You take in her closed eyelids and her flushed cheeks and all you can think about is how good it feels to have her in your arms. She opens her eyes, confusion but oddly enough also understanding mixed within those brown orbs of hers and she breathes out your name, her grip tightening on your body. But then something in your brain clicks and you finally realize what you've done. You let go of her and step away, her hand clumsily reaching out for you. You shake your head and mumble that you can't do this and that you're sorry before running out on her, your lips still tingling so beautifully. What did you do? You didn't plan to kiss her, no, you just wanted to talk. But she kissed you back and you want to do it again and again and again. You want to do it all over again and it scares you, it scares you so much.
She calls you but you don't have the courage to pick up your phone. You just stare at it as it rings, her name flashing up on the bright display, over and over again. When your phone rings for the fifth time, you almost reach out and push the green 'Accept' button but then you remember him. You see his smile, the twinkle in his eyes and you wonder if he'll ever make you feel the way she does. Probably not, you think, but you wouldn't leave him.
You love him after all.
You avoid her for the next two days as much as you can. She tries to talk to you but you don't listen and push past her, ignoring how your heart hammers against your ribcage, your eyes scanning the hallways for the boy you love. At lunch, her eyes follow your every move and even when you glare at her, her gaze doesn't waver. You sink into Beck's side, his arm draping around you, shielding you, and only now she looks away, her eyebrows drawn down and jaw tightly set. You wish the forlorn look on her face would make you happy or at least satisfy you. But it doesn't. It tugs at your heartstrings, so painfully, and all you want to do is reach out for her and you instantly feel bad, because you have those thoughts about her while being in the arms of the person you're supposed to love the most.
You don't know who to expect when you open the door, but certainly not her. You're taken aback by her appearance: brown hair tousled, her normally perfect makeup slightly smudged and her eyes desperately look into yours. You still think she looks beautiful. You watch each other for a moment but then she pushes past you and you absentmindedly wonder how she knew where you lived. You watch her, like you always do. She paces back and forth, her lip captured between her teeth. You feel those feelings only she can ignite creeping up inside of you and they're now stronger than ever. Her voice shakes as she tells you that she can't forget you and that she doesn't even want to. She tells you that no one ever made her feel like this and your heart swells with…with what? Pride? Love? It doesn't matter now because she steps closer to you and takes your face into her hands, begging you to say you feel the same way.
You don't answer her. Not with words at least.
It's the first time you sleep with her, make love to her, and you feel so good tangled up with her that you don't know what's right and what's wrong anymore. You swear that it won't happen again, you couldn't do that to Beck. But it happens a second time. And a third. And before you really know what's happening, you and her start seeing each other on a regular basis. Behind his back. And it's not hurting you as much as it should. Because you see her and she makes everything better. Her kisses wash away the guilt you're feeling and when you are with her, nothing matters anymore. And everything is so easy with her so why not take the next step? Why not make it official? You're happy with her and she's happy with you. That should be enough, right? Just break up with him and be with her, everyday, without having to hide.
But you can't.
You can't just leave him behind. Because you love him. Not in the same way or even as much as you love her, but you still do. And he loves you too, so much. You know that but you also know that he starts to suspect something is up with you. He sees it in your eyes, feels it in your kisses, detects it in your voice. But he chooses not to say anything. He accepts your waning passion and, instead of breaking things off with you, he seems to overtake your part in this relationship too, showering you with even more love than before.
You wish it wasn't like this. You wish he would scream at you, demand an explanation for your stupid behavior. You would tell him the truth and he would hate you, he would break up with you and you would feel horrible. But at least, you wouldn't need to lie anymore and he could find someone else, someone better than you, someone who loves him with all their heart and not just half of it. But he needs you, just like you need him. Or do you? You don't know what you feel, what you want, who you want. Christ, this is driving you insane. You always thought love is the best thing that could happen to you.
Well, it's not.
It's cruel and painful, it twists your insides until you can't take it anymore. So many people yearn for it but you…you just hate it. You don't want to love, you hate this damn feeling and sometimes, you wish you wouldn't feel anything at all. But then she comes and turns everything back around. She shows you that love isn't just pain. It's fireworks and rainbows and butterflies. It's beautiful and you're reminded that, when she holds your hand or kisses your cheek, you never want to miss this feeling. This should be enough for you, right? Well apparently it isn't. He's always lurking in the back of your mind, trying to push her away, out of your head, out of your heart.
But he never succeeds.
Whereas Beck is your safe heaven, your sanctuary, something you need in your life, Tori is something you not only need, no, she's something you want. You want her to smile at you like you are the most beautiful person on this planet. You want her to kiss you, hold you, love you.
You just want her.
5 years later.
You scowl at your reflection and stripe away that one annoying strand of hair from your face, which just wouldn't stay in place, no matter what you did. You shake your head at yourself and sigh. Of course memories of her would flood your brain on this day. Really now, today wouldn't be complete without some heart wrenching pain thrown into the mix, now would it? Your hands smooth down the fabric of your dress, the color of it sickening you. You aren't pure, you're certainly not innocent. You're tainted, a liar, a cheater. But it doesn't matter now. She doesn't matter now.
You still want her.
Why are you doing this? It's not right and you know it.
You grit your teeth together, willing the voice in the back of your head to shut up.
You love her. Don't be stupid.
Your eyes squeeze shut and you push out a harsh breath before you hear the door behind you squeak open. It doesn't matter who it is, you don't want to see them. You want to be alone, preferably for the rest of your life, having no one to care about but yourself. A hand on your shoulder and the soft calling of your name make your eyes snap open and Cat's eyes meet yours through the mirror. A soft smile graces her features as she raises her eyebrows at you.
"Are you okay?"
The words ring in your ears again and again and you blankly stare at your redheaded friend. Are you? No. No, you are definitely not okay. You're not ready for this, not today, not in this way, not with him. But you wouldn't tell her that. You know exactly what answer Cat expects to hear from you and you wouldn't disappoint her.
"Yes. I'm fine. Of course I am."
Your voice is calm, the complete opposite of what you are feeling inside. Inside of you, a storm is building up, thick black clouds getting bigger and bigger in your stomach and you're almost sure that it won't be long before lightning strikes. Cat is silent, a thoughtful look on her face as she brushes down your dress, freeing it from lint that wasn't even there in the first place.
"Are you happy, Jade?"
Hearing the cautious tone in her voice, your eyes snap back to the mirror and you see Cat staring back at you, a deep crease on her forehead. For a short moment you feel your eyes widen, hoping she doesn't notice your struggle. She knows, she knows everything. But how the hell did she find out? No, it couldn't be. There is no way she found out and if she did, she wouldn't be so calm and collected. You quickly get your act back together and narrow your eyes at her, swiftly turning away from both, the mirror and Cat. "Of course I'm happy, Cat! It's my freaking wedding day. I'm so sorry that I don't have your happy and carefree attitude!"
The words come out harsher than you intended them to be and you sigh and turn around, that dumb strand of hair falling back into your eye. "I'm sorry Cat. I'm just… nervous."
It's such a weak excuse and you don't think she quite buys it. Your hand angrily push your hair back and you mumble something about "stupid hair" that just "won't stay in place". Cat softly smiles at you and steps closer, grabbing the can of hairspray on her way over to you. And even though she's your best friend, you can't help but hate her at the moment and just want to wipe that stupid smile off her face. How dare she be happier than you on this day? It isn't fair. It isn't right. You should be happy too, even more so than Cat. You shouldn't feel like you're going to vomit at any second. You let her fix your hair and force out a smile when she's done, the once annoying piece of hair now in the place where it belongs. "See? All good," she says and you want to scream, tell her that nothing is good anymore. But you don't do it. You never do. It's too late now anyways.
She asks you if you need anything else but you shake your head, knowing full well that it's a lie. She leaves you alone again, but not before telling you how beautiful you look and that she's "so happy" for you. If only you were too. You almost want to call her back into the room, tell her that you don't want this and you want her to comfort you. You want her to tell you that everything's going to be alright, that you are going to be alright. But you don't call her back. Instead, you turn back to the mirror, not seeing the once so strong and smart girl. No you see a spineless, pathetic loser who's scared that one day… she'll end up alone.
The pounding of your heart drowns out every other sound and you grab your father's arm just a little bit tighter, your fingers probably bruising the skin underneath the crisp suit he's wearing. One last time your dad asks you if you're ready and your head nods automatically, but you barely register it until your feet set into motion, carrying you through the big wooden door that will lead you into your new life. You and your dad walk side by side and, for once in your life, you're glad he's here because you feel you might pass out, wouldn't you have his arm to hold onto.
You see him standing there, at the far end of the endlessly long aisle and you don't think you've ever seen such a big smile on his face. You hope your lips form a smile too and your eyes scan over the crowd, seeing your family, your mom smiling at you with tears in her eyes. You see his family, your friends and then…you see her.
You didn't think she'd come.
Her brown eyes bore into yours and you take a sharp intake of breath, your dress suddenly feeling way too tight. You can't really decipher what she's feeling and you don't even want to because you don't think you could handle it. A shiver runs down your spine, your heart speeding up even more and you are sure that you'll suffer a heart attack at any minute. You tear your eyes away from her, eventually, and look into Beck's. But instead of feeling sparks, felling your breath get stuck in your throat, you feel…you feel nothing. And when he takes your hand and smiles at you, that beautiful, beautiful smile, you know something's not right. Your eyes find hers again, just one last time, and everything you should feel for him boils up inside of you, just by looking at her. And when it's your turn to say your vows…you know you can't do this.
It's quiet, everyone waiting for you to say something about the undying love between you and him but the thing is: the only love you feel…is for the woman sitting in the audience. And it's pulsing through your veins, making your entire body tingle, telling you to listen to your heart. And you know that that's exactly what you need to do. You can't marry him if you don't love him with every part of your body. Yes, he has a place in your heart but he will never have all of it. It's just not enough to spend the rest of your life with him. You know that now. Tori on the other hand holds it in her hands, exposed to the world but you know she keeps it safe.
She'll always keep it safe.
You are pulled out of your reverie by the faint calling of your name. You realize that you zoned out and Beck looks at you, urging you on with his eyes. A soft smile is playing on his lips and you feel your heart crack a little.
"Um…I…" He looks at you expectantly, love shining in his dark eyes and you get sick just thinking about crushing him in front of all these people. But then you think about her and that she is worth absolutely everything. "I'm sorry. I really…I really can't do this."
You hear various gasps coming from the crowd and Beck's face hardens but you notice that he doesn't look surprised. At all. "I tried, I really did but…" You trail off, your eyes finding Tori again. Her eyes are wide, shock written all over her face and she's sitting on the edge of her seat. You think she's going to jump up at any second but she stays seated, her eyes firmly locked on you. You shift your attention back to Beck, his pain filled eyes staring right through you. "I can't. I'm so sorry, Beck."
Your whispered words seem to bring him back into reality and his eyes fill with tears as he nods and sends you a broken smile. He knew, you think. He knew all along that you weren't going to say yes. You don't know what to do as you feel tears of your own well up, so you do the thing that seems most logical to you.
There are two things in life you truly love: Coffee and Scissors. You love the smell of steaming coffee, the way the scalding liquid burns your throat. It makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside and whenever you're upset, coffee calms you down, slowly but steadily. Scissors. You love them just as much.
They're sharp and shiny and you love to cut things up with them. Sometimes, you just look at them, admire the sharpness of the blades, listen to the sound they make.
Looking back you realize that Beck and Tori are just like Coffee and Scissors.
Beck is like coffee, making you feel safe, giving you the warmth you need. But coffee eventually gets cold and it doesn't taste as good anymore. Nevertheless you drink it up, even though you really hate the taste of cold coffee.
Tori, on the other hand, is like your favorite pair of scissors. You love them with all your heart and you don't trust anyone else with them. When you cut stuff with them, you forget the world for just a couple of minutes. They're shiny and sharp and yes, they can hurt you. But it doesn't matter because…well, you love them. And unlike coffee your scissors will never get old. They'll never lose their sciss, and your love for them will never cease.
And neither will your love for Tori.
A/N: So there you have it! This happens when I'm procrastinating studying for my exam. Hope you like it though! Over and out.