Just to clarify: the following story is meant to be ~GOOFY.~ Not melodramatic! Don't imagine it as a melodramatic story!
Oh, and, here's a big surprise: PEANUTS IS NOT COPYRIGHT ME! It's copyright United Feature Syndicate, I think. Charlie Brown, Linus, Shermy, etc. etc. are Peanuts characters (what a relevation!) and are NOT copyright me. Aren't I full of surprises...
"Hi, Linus," said Charlie Brown, walking down the street.
"Hi, Charlie Brown," said Linus.
"Where's your blanket?" asked Charlie Brown.
"Shermy took it," said Linus.
"…WHAT?" said Charlie Brown.
"He seemed to really want it, and I didn't really care, so I just let him have it…"
Charlie Brown's jaw hung agape. "YOU…LET…HIM…"
"What's all the stress about, Charlie Brown? What's the big deal?" said Linus.
"What day is it?" said Charlie Brown. "April Fool's Day, right? Ha ha ha…"
"No…it's December 15th," said Linus, blinking. "Why? What's so shocking?"
"WHAT'S SO SHOCKING?" Charlie Brown said. "Linus, you can't LIVE without that blanket!"
"I can't?" Linus said. "Oh, yeah…I guess I can't…" Linus shrugged. "Oh, well. I guess I can now. …Why are you looking at me in disbelief?"
"Oh, good grief! This is unbelievable!" Charlie Brown walked off. Just then, he remembered something.
December 15th…tomorrow is Beethoven's birthday…I haven't seen Schroeder around…
Charlie Brown went off to find him in order to confirm that at least someone was acting normally that day.
He found him eating a hot dog.
"Schroeder," Charlie Brown said, "Why aren't you reminding everyone that Beethoven's birthday is tomorrow?"
"Beethoven's birthday is tomorrow?" Schroeder asked, blinking.
"AUUURRRGHHH!" Charlie Brown said, running off.
Maybe at least Lucy is acting like her normal self! Charlie Brown thought desperately.
"LUCY!" shouted Charlie Brown, running up to the aforementioned girl.
"Hi, Charlie Brown," said Lucy.
"Hey, did you know that Linus gave his blanket to Shermy today? Isn't that wild?" Charlie Brown said.
"Hmm? Oh. Interesting," Lucy said.
"…You don't care?" said Charlie Brown.
Lucy shrugged. "Doesn't sound very important to me."
There was a pause.
"Yeah, well…Schroeder forgot that tomorrow was Beethoven's birthday! Isn't that weird?" Charlie Brown said.
"Hmm…huh? Oh, I guess…" Lucy said.
"Don't you care that Schroeder doesn't care about Beethoven anymore?" Charlie Brown asked desperately. "Now he might finally pay attention to you!"
"Hmm? Oh, I guess that's nice…but I don't really care…" said Lucy.
"AAUUURRRGGHHH!" said Charlie Brown. "No one's acting normally today!" he shouted.
Just then, a thought entered Charlie Brown's mind. Linus mentioned something about Shermy taking his blanket…
"Hey, Lucy, have you seen Shermy today?" Charlie Brown asked.
"Yeah," said Lucy.
"What was he doing?" asked Charlie Brown.
"Oh, he threw a cardboard box over my head. That's all," Lucy said.
"…He threw a box over your head?" Charlie Brown asked, blinking.
"Oh, and I felt a little different after he put it on, but it was no big deal…"
Charlie Brown instantly ran up to Schroeder. "Schroeder! Did Shermy throw a box on your head today?"
"…That's a weird question," said Schroeder.
"Well, DID HE?" Charlie Brown repeated.
"You know, actually, he did-"
Schroeder had barely finished his sentence before Charlie Brown ran up to Linus.
"Before he stole your blanket, Linus, did Shermy throw a box on your head?" Charlie Brown asked.
"Where's Shermy now?"
"Right over there…"
Charlie Brown looked that way…and he could hardly believe his eyes.
There was Shermy. He was desperately clinging Linus' blanket with one hand, and with the other hand, he was tapping on Schroeder's toy piano. All the while, he was saying things like, "Oh, Beethoven isn't that great! Why do I like Beethoven and I don't like me? And this blanket I'm carrying is stupid! I'm such a baby!"
Charlie Brown stared.
"...Shermy?" Charlie Brown gaped.
Shermy looked at Charlie Brown. "What's wrong, Charlie Brown? You look like the proverbial Piano Sonata No. 5 in C Minor! By the way, could you please get me a sandwich, Charlie Brown? I wouldn't want to have to beat you up! Oh, yeah, I almost forgot -" Shermy ran behind a tree, grabbed a cardboard box, ran up to Charlie Brown, and dropped it on his head.
"NO!" Charlie Brown shoved it off quickly, knocking Shermy over. "I need to know what's going on!"
"Nothing! I just wanted to put that box on your head!" Shermy said.
"Then again, maybe I won't," said Shermy. "Maybe I'll just play my piano...but what's the big deal about Beethoven, anyway?...Hey, did you know Beethoven's birthday is tomorrow?...Oh, I'll destroy this stupid blank - NO! DON'T HURT MY BLANKET! I can't LIVE without it!" Shermy said.
While Shermy was going on with this schizophrenic tirade, Charlie Brown investigated the cardboard box. It looks just like a normal cardboard box, he said. But on one side, he found it was labeled "PeRsonaLiTifier". Beneath the word was a cardboard arrow, and just above that were two options: "Absorb PerSonaLitY" and "ADD PerSoNality TO TArGeT", and to the right a button was draw on the machine.
"There's no way this does anything! It's just a cardboard box!" Charlie Brown said. "I think everyone's playing a trick on me? Why does everyone hate me? THIS ISN'T FUNNY!" he yelled.
"I know it's not funny, Charlie Brown. But it is pretty funny that your head is like a big rubber ball! I think I'll watch my cowboy program - no! I must focus on playing!" Shermy ranted.
Wow, thought Charlie Brown. I can't believe Shermy's acting so ridiculous! He's normally just cool about most things, and not that dramatic...almost personalitiless...and I can't believe Linus would give up his blanket...and that Schroeder would forget about Beethoven's birthday...and that Lucy would act so...unLucylike...
As he was thinking this, he observed Shermy's multiple personalities battling for supremacy. "Nyah nyah! I got my blanket! NO! Give it back! I'm going to rip - NO! Why am I wasting time with this? Why aren't I playing my piano?"
Charlie Brown rolled his eyes. "I can't believe it!" he said. "Why would people go to such great lengths just to annoy me? EVERYONE HATES ME!" He sighed deeply. But then, he eyed the cardboard box again...
With a sigh, Charlie Brown tossed the cardboard box over the ranting, raving Shermy pointed the cardboard arrow to "Absorb PerSonaLitY" and tapped the drawing of a button. To his surprise, it made a "boink" sound for no apparent reason. Still, he thought, There's no way this is going to do anything...I'm so stupid.
At that moment, Shermy shoved the box off of himself. "Hey, I'd better make me a sandwich, or I'll rip my blanket to shreds! Gulp! Fine! I'll make me a sandwich!" he was babbling.
"Um...Shermy, don't you want to play your piano?" Charlie Brown asked.
"Huh? Who do you think I am, Schroeder?" Shermy said. Then, he continued his ranting and walked toward the Van Pelts' house to make himself a sandwich.
This must be a big joke, Charlie Brown sighed. Nonetheless, he walked over to Schroeder, who was in the progress of playing a perfectly boring game of marbles with Linus and Lucy. He dropped the box on Schroeder's head just as he was about to flick a shooter, pointed the cardboard arrow to "ADD PerSoNality TO TArGeT", and tapped the button. Boink. He lifted the cardboard box up. Schroeder seemed a bit dazed.
"Are you going to shoot, Schroeder? I mean, I know it's probably distracting to have someone drop a box on your head, but still," Linus said.
Schroeder shook his head vigorously. "Why am I playing marbles when tomorrow is Beethoven's birthday? I need to prepare!" He ran off. "HEY! Where's my toy piano!" he said, a murderous look in his eyes.
"As far as I know, it's in the general vicinity of Shermy...over that way," Charlie Brown said.
"Shermy? Oh, yeah...he dropped a cardboard box on me, and..." Schroeder scratched his head. "Wait a minute...what's going on? It's like...I lost all my personality traits briefly, and they only returned when you dropped the cardboard box on me again...this doesn't make any sense! I guess I'm coming down with something!" He shook his head and left. As he was walking off, Charlie Brown heard him say, "Maybe if I'm sick, I'll go deaf like Beethoven..." He didn't seem sad about it, either.
Maybe everyone is playing a trick on me, but it seemed to work...and I'm sick of Lucy and Linus acting like personalitless Shermy clones... He sighed and walked back over to Shermy.
To his dismay, Shermy was on the Van Pelts' doorstep, talking to Mrs. Van Pelt. "But MOM! I need to make me a sandwich or *heh heh* I'll DESTROY my blanket! WAAHH! I'll die! I need a sandwich NOW!" Shermy was saying.
"Wha wha wha, wha wha wha wha, whaaa," Mrs. Van Pelt said, which sounded to everyone in Peanuts like, "I am not your mother! What are you doing with my son's blanket? And why do you want to go into MY house to make a sandwich?"
"Um...ha ha...that's just my 'friend' being silly!" Charlie Brown said, dragging Shermy off.
"NOO! Now I'll destroy my stupid, precious blanket and won't get a sandwich!" Shermy ranted.
"Oh, quiet down!" Charlie Brown said, shoving the cardboard box on Shermy, setting it to "Absorb PerSonaLitY", and tapping the button twice, so both personalities were absorbed.
"Whuhhg...HEY! What did you do THAT for?" Shermy cried as Charlie Brown removed the box.
"Why? Did you LIKE acting like you have schizophrenia?" Charlie Brown asked.
"If it means I'm a main character, YES!" Shermy said. "By the way, 'schizophrenia' isn't actually where someone has multiple personalities - that's just called 'multiple personality disorder'. Schizophrenia is something else entirely."
"Since when were you so smart?" Charlie Brown asked.
"Well, I'm in second grade!" Shermy said. Charlie Brown rolled his eyes.
"Anyway," said Shermy, "I'd be much obliged if you gave me those personalities back, Charlie Brown...thanks!" He lunged toward the cardboard box.
"HEY! Wait a second! Tell me why you're doing this!" Charlie Brown said.
"Well, isn't it obvious? I have no personality, Charlie Brown, and I'm sick and tired of it! Now I'm as obscure as the computer game JumpStart The Greatest Show on Earth! I NEVER appear! I NEVER do anything interesting!" He was waving his arms. "It's all because of stupid characters with personality, Charlie Brown...like Schroeder, Linus, and Lucy! They push me out of the spotlight! I've been driven from brilliant stardom to profound obscurity - because of THEM! GRRR! I hate them! But now, I managed to reverse the situation...and YOU reversed it back!" He tackled Charlie Brown.
"Hey! Don't - OW! OW!" said Charlie Brown. He managed to shove his foe off. "Wait! I'll make you a deal!"
"What?" Shermy growled.
"If I can give the Van Pelts their personalities back, I...I'll give you my personality!" he said, not thinking the offer would be worth much to Shermy - why would anyone want to be him?
"Wh...?" Shermy looked at Charlie Brown wistfully. "Oh, CHARLIE BROWN!" Tears flowed down his cheeks and he embraced Charlie Brown in a warm hug. "Oh, BLESS your kind soul, Charlie Brown! You wouldn't, would you? You wouldn't...you would actually make ME the MAIN CHARACTER? Oh, my dear soul, what a lovely revelation!"
"I...had no idea my personality was so...so desirable," Charlie Brown said, shocked. "Could you stop squeezing me?" he said in a tiny voice.
"Huh? Oh, OK," Shermy said. "Whatever you say, good ol' Charlie Brown!" Shermy grinned from ear to ear. "Good ol' Charlie Brown! Good ol' Charlie Brown!"
Charlie Brown couldn't help but smile. "Th-th-th...thanks, Shermy!" he said, trembling with joy.
"No problem!" said Shermy. "Just deliver those personalities to their rightful owners and come RIGHT back, OK? No delays, please!"
"Uh, sure, Shermy!"
Charlie Brown couldn't help but tremble with happiness as he walked to where Lucy and Linus were playing an extremely boring game of marbles. I can't believe Shermy would so desperately long to be ME! Oh, he's such a PAL now! Oh boy! Oh boy!
Finally, he made it to the Van Pelts' boring marbles game. Unhesitatingly, he dropped the cardboard box on Linus, set the arrow to the personality-adding setting, and tapped the button. He repeated the process with Lucy.
"THERE!" said Charlie Brown, satisfied. "Now everything will be back to normal!"
The two Van Pelts looked briefly dazed, but after shaking their heads, Charlie Brown was confident normalcy would be restored.
"AUUURGH! Where's my blanket?" Lucy screamed, running around desperately.
"HEY! You never got me my sandwich!" Linus said, running to Lucy, his eyes ablaze.
"Oh NOOOOOOOO!" Charlie Brown said. "I can NEVER do anything right!" He sighed. He'd have to tell Shermy about this...his new friendship would be shattered! He slapped himself repeatedly. "Why can't I be PERFECT?" he yelled at the world.
"You may not be perfect, Charlie Brown, but at least your head is perfectly round!" Linus said nonsensically.
"WHERE'S MY BLANKEEEEEET?" Lucy continued to screech, running frantically.
Ignoring the mixed-up Van Pelts, Charlie Brown depressedly grabbed the cardboard box and dragged it toward Shermy.
"GREAT, Charlie Brown!" said Shermy exuberantly. "Now give me your personality NOW! PLEEEASE!"
"Shermy..." said Charlie Brown, looking at the ground.
"Huh? What happened? Did you lose your personality? It certainly doesn't look like it..."
"No, it's just..." Charlie Brown sighed. "I gave Linus and Lucy each other's personalities!"
"Oh, OK," said Shermy. "Could you give me your personality now?"
Charlie Brown was shocked. "...You don't care?"
"Well, why would I?" said Shermy.
Charlie Brown was certainly surprised. Part of him was enthralled. He's still my pal! He's not bothered at all! YIPEE!
But another part of him felt otherwise. The Van Pelts are mixed up...and Shermy doesn't care! What's wrong with him? Is he just so selfish that it doesn't bother him?
"Alright! Time to give me your personality!" Shermy dropped the box on Charlie Brown's head, enshrouding the melancholy boy in darkness.
"WAIT! What about -" Charlie Brown squeezed out. But before he knew it, it felt as if his brain was being turned inside-out. Suddenly, all the things that defined the essence of who he felt he was - his constant failures...his ravenous, unsatisfied desire to be friends with someone...anyone...his unquenchable rage at the kites he could not fly, the balls he could not hit, the chess pieces he could not move in such a way as to bring about victory...it was gone, as if absorbed by a sponge.
"Whaa..." Charlie Brown felt dazed. But more than that, he had a strong feeling that he was...boring.
"Great!" said Shermy, lifting the box off of Charlie Brown and plopping the box on himself. "You know what to do, Charlie Brown, my good ol' friend!"
"OK," said Charlie Brown, adding his personality to Shermy. He lifted the box off.
"Whuhhg..." Shermy said, rubbing his face. "Uh..." He looked sad.
"What?" asked Charlie Brown.
"It's strange, Charlie Brown...I have your personality...I'm the main character...yet, even though this is the best thing that could possibly happen to me...I don't feel very happy!" He sighed. "Ohh, why did I think this would be a good idea? I can't believe I've been so foolish..." He sighed. "Everybody hates me...don't they, Charlie Brown?"
"I don't know," said Charlie Brown. Suddenly, he felt incredibly separated from the traits that had defined him for so long...he would've thought this would be a huge relief...he would've thought he'd be happy...but instead, his emotions consisted of nothing but a vague feeling of existing. "Huh." I wonder if I can fly a kite now. he said, but strangely, he found that he didn't care.
"Oh, well, Charlie Brown..." Shermy sighed. "Maybe I'll feel happier later..." He walked off.
"MY BLANKET!" Lucy yelled, running straight past Charlie Brown. "THERE IT- oops!" Her voice dropped to a whisper. "I wouldn't want Linus to find out!" She glanced around, then threw it into her house.
"AHA! There you are!" said Linus, running up. "You STILL haven't made my sandwich, Lucy!" He looked ready to pummel his sister.
"S-sure I'll make your sandwich, Linus!" Lucy said. She ran into her house.
"Well, they're mixed up, alright," Charlie Brown said. "I wonder what their parents will think." And I wonder what they will think if they ever get back to normal.