Title: Weirdest Summer Ever
Characters/Pairing: almost every canon character is involved in this and is paired with somebody of the same gender as them.
Word Count: 3147
Spoilers: Season 3
Warnings: crack, homophobic behavior.
Summary: In which everyone is gay and Finn is very confused.
Authors Note: I got this idea from the awesome Loki Firefox (who also beta-ed this and gave me awesome feedback so THANK YOU SO MUCH) a long time ago. I've been working on several projects and I'm sort of stumped on all of them so... I took a break and here you go. This is the first time I've attempted to write anything cracky or funny along with being the first fic I've actually finished for months. Let me know how I did!
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee
Finn hated waking up before his alarm went off. Or waking up at all if it was the weekend. So, understandably he was a little bit upset when he was woken up at around- he quickly glanced at the clock on the television- eight in the morning on a Saturday. And on top of that it was a Saturday during the summer. The awesome part about summer was that if he didn't want to get up all day he didn't have to.
Now, he knew it might be a bit unreasonable to be upset seeing as he had fallen asleep on the couch, but still. It was eight in the morning. Not even Kurt was up that early.
He blinked, trying to get the sleep out of his eyes and glanced around to see who had woken him up. He knew it couldn't be his mom because she had had a late shift the night before so she would be sleeping and Burt went to the shop very early and would probably already be gone. And as he had already mentioned, Kurt rarely woke up before nine on weekends.
He frowned when he noticed a mop of curly hair shifting through the kitchen and pulling things out of the fridge and putting them on a plate. Finn frowned and tried to remember if Blaine had slept over the night before but really it was sort of a blur. Once he got focused on a video game there really was no distracting him.
"Blaine?" he asked carefully, standing up and quietly walking towards the kitchen. Blaine jumped about ten feet in the air and ended up dropping half the items on his plate in the process. Finn raised an eyebrow at him and Blaine smiled sheepishly.
"Hey, um. Finn. Sorry, did I wake you? I've always been an early riser and I tried to keep quiet but..." he trailed off and smiled sheepishly. Finn nodded, slightly confused.
"I-Okay? But like... why are you here dude?"
Blaine frowned, "You don't remember? We told you last night. Well, I guess you were a bit focused on other things but-" Finn coughed to cut off his rambling and Blaine nodded, "Right. My dad walked in on me and Kurt last night and kicked me out."
Finn spluttered, "Are you serious? He... he kicked you out? Like, for real?"
Blaine shrugged and picked a cookie off his plate, "Yeah, for real. Thankfully Burt is the most amazing human being on the face of the earth and he decided to let me crash here for the time being."
Finn nodded, not entirely sure he understood, "So like... you're living here now? As in... living here, living here? Not just sleeping over?"
"Yeah, until I can get a place for myself or until my parents decide to let me move back in."
Finn wasn't sure that there was anything else to say, so he simply nodded one more time and then backed out of the kitchen telling himself he needed to get more sleep.
Having Blaine live with them wasn't really that bad. And it wasn't like he and Kurt were all over each other all the time, so at least he didn't have to watch his brother make out with his boyfriend 24/7. He appreciated them keeping their hands to themselves, especially since Rachel had broken up with him at the end of the school year and watching Kurt and Blaine be happy together was kind of like pouring sugar into an open wound. Or however that went.
About a week after Blaine moved in, Puck and Sam appeared at dinner time; both had duffel bags in their hands.
"Hello Hummel-Hudson's," said Puck loudly, "And Blaine," he added. Finn frowned at them, not entirely unhappy to see them but just a bit confused.
"Boys, I'm glad you made it here safely," said Burt and he nodded towards two empty chairs that Finn hadn't even noticed until then.
"I'm so sorry you two have to go through this," said Carole as they sat down at the table.
"It sucks, doesn't it?" asked Blaine.
"Just be glad that my father doesn't still hate you for how you treated me in the past Puckerman," said Kurt, going right back to eating his food.
"Finn," he jumped at the use of his name and looked up to find Burt looking at him very seriously, "I hope you don't mind, I'm moving Blaine up into Kurt's room," Kurt and Blaine smirked at that, "So that Puck and Sam can crash in yours. I'm sorry I didn't ask, I just assumed-"
"Look, dude, if you don't want us there-"
"Where did they catch you?" asked Blaine, everyone completely ignoring Finn's obvious confusion. Jerks.
"My sofa. My nana walked in on us going at it, called my mom who called Sam's parents and... here we are."
Kurt tsked and muttered, "On the sofa, honest to God, practically asking for it," while Blaine shook his head.
"That sucks. Nobody deserves that."
"Can someone explain to me what the hell is going on?" Finn finally asked. Everybody turned to him, Puck and Sam with matching raised eyebrows which, okay, creepy.
"Me and Puck got caught making out. Our parents kicked us out."
"I have to say, from experience, being kicked out because of your sexuality is the worst."
"Honey, you've never been kicked out for anything else."
"Hold on!" Everybody looked at Finn again except this time they looked kind of angry, "Are you guys all saying that Puck and Sam are... gay?"
"Where have you been all summer?" asked Puck, rolling his eyes and digging into the plate of food that Carole had just placed in front of him. Sam did the same.
Finn, still confused and feeling a little bit hurt, went back to eating and pretended he didn't see the way that Sam and Puck were playing footsie under the table.
Seeing Santana and Brittany groping each other on his bed was probably an image he would never get out of his head. And not in a good way. God, he had forgotten what an animal Santana was.
"What the hell?" he screamed. He covered his eyes with his hands and turned around. Brittany mumbled something and Santana said something back.
"What are you doing down here Frankenteen?"
"Uh, it's my room. What are you doing here?"
He turned around, looking through his fingers to make sure that Santana wasn't still... he shuddered, "Didn't your dad tell you? They're moving you upstairs, into the spare bedroom. They don't want you sharing with girls and they figure since Puck and Sam hate lady bits-"
"What the hell, you two are living here now too?" he knew he was yelling but hey, he was in his right. Because what the hell.
"Uh, duh. You know I got kicked to the curb before school ended, and Britt's parents finally got tired of hearing us at night so... Mr. Hummel very graciously allowed us to stay here."
"He's like a big gay dad. He just has lots of love for everyone."
Apparently thought Finn bitterly as he stalked out of his used-to-be room.
It was halfway through June when he went to the bathroom in the middle of the night and found Mike Chang taking a piss. He quickly shut the door and ran a hand over his face. He waited patiently for Mike to get out of the bathroom and then got on him.
"Why are you in my house?"
"Burt's awesome and let us move in after-"
"Let me guess. You and Artie are gay together now."
Mike gave him a disgusted look, "Me and Artie? Nah, he's one of my best bud's. No, it was me and Matt."
Finn groaned, "Of course. Where are you two sleeping?"
Mike shrugged, "For now we're sharing with Sam, Puck, Brittany and Santana; but I'm kind of hoping that Burt will let us move into Kurt and Blaine's room because Brittany and Santana are constantly having sex."
Finn blushed at the many memories he already had of that, "But what about Tina? I thought you two were like, in love or something."
"Nah, that ended when she decided the reason she liked spending more time with Mercedes than with me was because she was actually in love with her."
And with that he walked away, leaving Finn with a dropped jaw and his need to pee completely forgotten.
Within the week Finn found Tina and Mercedes sitting on the couch in the living room, holding hands and watching RENT with Kurt and Blaine.
"Don't tell me-"
"Everybody in this town is very homophobic," said Kurt. He glanced at Finn and shrugged, "Apparently people hate having gay kids."
"So you two got-"
"Yeah," said Tina quietly as she cuddled up close to Mercedes. Finn was pretty sure there were tears in her eyes.
"We're going to have to do some switching around. Finn, you don't mind bunking with Matt, Mike, Sam and Puck, right?"
Finn groaned and let his head fall back against the wall. He had just gotten used to his new room.
"Hey Burt," Finn shuffled into his parent's room awkwardly, pausing to glance at the picture of all four of them at the wedding. God, those were simpler times.
"Hey buddy, what's up?"
Finn shrugged, "I'm just wondering if you're going to be taking in any more gay people? Because I'm sort of tired of moving my stuff around."
Burt laughed, "Finn, these kids aren't getting any love from their parents. God, the hate in this town makes me sick. Don't worry, I don't think there will be any more; and if there are, I swear you won't have to move again."
"Thanks," he grinned and then went downstairs, hoping he wouldn't have to fight someone for the television.
Seeing Rory with his hands deeply buried in Joe's dreads and his tongue deep in his throat was something that Finn really wished he hadn't seen. Not because he was homophobic or anything- that would be really problematic considering his current living situation- but just because he didn't need to see that. Ever.
"My parents are Christians," explained Joe that night over dinner as everybody scrambled to get some food, "They don't believe in homosexuality. When I brought Rory home they sort of freaked out."
"So you're... moving in here."
Finn groaned, "That's great. Fantastic. Burt-"
"I know, I know. You get to keep your room. I'm putting Rory and Joe with Kurt and Blaine."
"What?" both yelped at the same time.
Everybody at the table laughed.
By the end of the month Burt came home from work and he brought alone the last possible duo that Finn would have expected.
"Hey bean stalk."
"Hey there," she wiggled her fingers at him and then slipped her hand back into Lauren's.
Finn decided not even to ask about that one. He just glared at Burt who shrugged as he lugged the two girls luggage into the entrance.
Sebastian was a stupid guy with a stupid face who made stupid nude photo shopped edits of his body but damn he could cook. He was pretty sure that he made the best omelets in the history of the world, which was pretty incredible because Kurt was a very good cook too.
Plus, he guessed that he could put up with him and Dave considering Sebastian had managed to salvage a lot of money before his parents cut him off and he was paying for an addition to be made to their house. Which was really very, very necessary. It turned out that Santana and Brittany really did not care if people could see them or not; when they were in the mood they just went for it. And they were always in the mood.
"If you would have told me last year that I would be living with Kurt Hummel because I got kicked out of my house for being gay I would have punched you," joked Dave. Everybody laughed, but it was sort of awkward because he probably would have actually done exactly that.
Finn had a hard time keeping up with conversations at the dinner table lately. Especially during Friday Night Dinner where everybody had to attend. It was a good thing it was summer, thought Finn, or they wouldn't all fit around the table. They would have to take turns eating or something. Which would be weird.
There were simply too many people talking at the same time, and generally Finn tried to steer clear of the conversations because a lot of times they were talking about gay rights or dates they'd been on or something else that he didn't really understand.
One night though, a conversation did catch his attention. And simply confused him more than ever.
Puck: "Pass the ketchup, Lopez."
Santana: "Get it yourself, Puckerman."
Tina: "So did you guys hear about Mr. Schue and Miss Pillsbury?"
Sam: "Oh my God, I couldn't believe it."
Puck: "Seriously Santana, it's on your end and I can't reach it."
Lauren: "Wait, what about Mr. Schue and Miss Pillsbury?"
Tina: "They broke up!"
Sugar: "Shut up!"
Sebastian: "Mr. Schue was your teacher right? The one with bad hair?"
Santana: "Too bad for you. You have two feet, come get it yourself."
Mercedes: "Apparently Miss Pillsbury found him cheating."
Sugar: "Shut up!"
Dave: "With who?"
Puck: "Look, Santana I don't care if you have your hand down your girlfriends pants, just pass me the freaking ketchup, it's not that hard."
Tina: "That Bryan Ryan guy that came to talk to us!"
Matt: "It makes sense they would get together, they both love to crush dreams."
Mike: "Mr. Schue tried to help us as often as he could."
Kurt: "Santana, please pass Puck the ketchup before I castrate both of you."
Matt: "He never gave me a single solo. I have dreams too you know."
Mike: "I know sweetheart."
Tina: "And that's not the best part! You'll never guess in a million years who Miss Pillsbury got with after the breakup."
Tina: "Coach Sylvester."
Sugar: "Shut up!"
Rory: "Shut up!"
Mike: "Shut up!"
Puck: "Shut up!"
Kurt: "Shut up!"
At that point Finn simply gave up on anything ever making sense again.
When Artie and Jesse showed up on the front door in mid-August, Finn didn't even ask questions or comment (which was hard because he had a lot of questions and a lot of comments), he just let them know that they were still doing renovations and that they would probably have to share a room with Rory, Joe, Sam and Puck for the time being. They claimed that they didn't care where they were as long as they were together and as long as they were away from their stupid parents who simply could not accept them.
Finn had simply nodded in agreement, and silently wondered if these two finally beat Lauren and Sugar for most unlikely couple living under the Hummel-Hudson roof.
Now, Finn didn't have anything against gay people. Not at all. Maybe he used to be a little weirded out by Kurt's crush on him, but that was less homophobia and more creeped out. But really, he liked gay people. It seemed that all his friends were gay, so he'd better.
But he was not cool with his two ex-girlfriends moving into his house. As a couple.
"No, absolutely not."
"Finn, I can't turn them away, I've let everybody else move in," Finn didn't like how Burt sounded reasonable and how he made sense. Except that Quinn and Rachel were together and living with him and he wasn't very happy about it.
"Yeah but like, it doesn't even make sense. Why would Rachel get kicked out for being gay? She has two gay dad's. Why can't they just live there?"
Burt sighed, "They were going to, but her dad's didn't have enough space and-"
"Neither do we! Even with the addition that Sebastian helped pay for we're living in a mad house. And don't lie, we're running low on funds. I know we are, I overheard you and mom complaining the other day."
"Come on, Burt! They're my ex's. Both of them. And now they're with each other. It's like a double pow to the ego."
"I'll just- look, I'll have them share with Tina and Mercedes alright? They're room is the farthest from yours. Does that sound alright?"
Finn groaned but nodded, "Fine. But if I ever catch them doing anything-"
"Don't worry Finn. I'm going to instill a no PDA rule."
"Good luck getting Britt and Santana to agree to that."
"I hear ya."
Date night was probably Finn's favorite night. Every Saturday between four and nine every couple went out on a date, leaving the house thankfully empty.
It wasn't that Finn didn't love his friends, he did, really. It was just.. nice to not have everybody breathing down his neck. It was also nice to not be worried of walking into Brittany and Santana every time he turned a corner.
He glanced at the clock. It was eight-fifty five on the last Saturday of the summer. He sighed, saved his game and migrated up to his bedroom. While he loved date night while everybody was out on their dates he really did not like date night when everybody got home.
The only good thing about it was that everybody was so loud that he didn't even know what sound was coming from what couple.
It still made him feel incredibly alone though.
He heard the door open and the sound of shoes being kicked off along with the sound of somebody obviously kissing. He took that as his queue to place his earphones in his ears and turn the volume up as high as it could go.
As he settled into his bed with his PSP and his loud music blocking out the sounds of many couples having sex downstairs he couldn't help but think.
Weirdest summer ever.