notes on this fanfic, written June 2015.
this fanfic was slightly re-phrased, some things have been added, other things removed, small spelling (not all as i am terrible at spotting spelling mistakes) were fixed - i am aware that my grammar during these notes is inexplicably terrible. this is more of a character study than it is a story. the reason why i wrote it is because of the idea behind a character's actions and their personality evolving over the years, with an emphasis on Sebastian's character. you not only see this in Sebastian, but in the Warblers. it is very strange writing Nick in such a dark light in the beginning, and even re-reading it, it sounds off, but considering that the show hasn't developed the Warblers, this is an entirely plausible scenario.
to note, this fanfic was nothing more than 3,000 words. i have pimped it a bit, and added a large author's note at the end.
He is a freshman when he first transfers to Dalton.
The faculty and his parents tell him that there's a no-bullying policy and he's safe now. He foolishly believes this.
It doesn't take a long time before he sees the Warblers perform. He's mesmerised by the Warblers.
He approaches Nick after a number. The black-haired boy looks invested in his fan, Sebastian - the new face in crowd. Nick offers to take him to the Lima Bean since Sebastian has just moved in Ohio and is now safe from all of the horrible, horrible things that have happened in Paris.
Sebastian sits down beside the counter, as Nick orders them a latte. They talk and laugh.
Sebastian likes how this place smells like – coffee, cinnamon, and clouds made out of steamy milk and hot chocolate. Nick buys them both turkey and cheese sandwiches. Sebastian doesn't tell Nick that he's vegan as he scarfs down the sandwich, ruining six years of veganism as they laugh together. He is safe.
Nick takes him back to the dorms, and they kiss.
It's Sebastian's first kiss and he feels happy, elated. It's a big deal for him and he swears that the turkey sandwiches and non-soy latte is worth it all. He tells Sebastian to go get a history notebook that he wants to use from someone else. He nods at Nick, smiles and then leaves.
When he comes back, Nick and Jeff are kissing.
He does not question this. He does not fight it. He does not yell. He tries to revel in the fact that he's had a few minutes of cotton candy fantasy with Nick. He has to look at the bright side.
Sebastian returns later on that night to give Nick his notebook.
Nick notices the depressed look in his face. "I've been pinning on Jeff for a while. No hard feelings, huh, Brandon?"
Sebastian wants to tell him that his name isn't fucking Brandon, but he doesn't.
He is quiet, shy and reserved. He does not know how to yell and defend himself. He has no shield. He has no armour. He is exposed to the surface for people to poke at him with sharp, white knives and fill his mind with fluffy fantasises of a better world if he keeps on being virtuous and faithful to the idea of loyalty, friendship and falling in love.
That night, he has Nick walk towards him, and throws Sebastian against the locker.
It's very late. Nobody's watching. Nick looks enraged.
"You told him," Sebastian doesn't expect the punch that Nick administers. He doesn't expect the one straight after the first - it makes him want to hurl. "You want me, don't you? You want me so much you told Jeff about…about that kiss. He won't talk to me."
He laughs and it's empty.
"Take off your pants. You're so interested in letting a Warbler fuck you; I might as well do it."
Sebastian does comply. He's shocked when Nick throws him back against the wall and kisses him, kisses him so hard that Sebastian feels like their lips are permanently infused together. Sebastian stands still, as Nick takes off his boxers and then his shirt and-and-and they're making out again, Sebastian's naked underneath Nick's clothed body as Nick shoves him against the lockers again.
"Oh God, you're so desperate," Nick snaps. "You're not worth it."
Nick shoves Sebastian back the lockers one more time, this time with so much force that Sebastian falls onto the ground and stares down at his Dalton clothing – he quickly scrambles to wear it.
Later on that night, he showers in hot water to forget it all.
Two years from now, things are much different. Nick's the kindest person Sebastian has ever met.
He says he has a lot of regrets and his eyes flash in a dark colour, unable to really dive into it (how traumatic), and when Sebastian orders Nick a latte and a turkey cheese sandwich, Nick just stares at the new student and then asks, "How do you know my order?"
"Call it intuition," Sebastian's voice is smooth and holds none of the fear it used to hold before. "After all, we're both sexy."
Nick smirks. "I'm… still a virgin though."
"Awe, adorable," Sebastian responds.
He wants to slam him against the couch, and show him he he'd felt that night in the freshman year, that-that-that night that he'd been almost scared he'd lose his virginity to Nick, that night that he's so scared to be left there, to be broken. Sebastian decides he'll get revenge on Nick soon enough and he just has to wait because revenge is a dish best served cold.
When he's captain, he finds himself looking at Nick. He'll give him a piece of his mind and destroy him. Nick is not safe.
Instead, he gives him a solo, Uptown Girl, and mentally cringes when Blaine asks him if he's a freshman.
The second time Sebastian remembers being bullied in Dalton is by the so-called gentleman. Blaine Anderson.
Nick mindlessly grabs onto Sebastian's arm, and introduces him to Blaine as "Ryan". Blaine smiles warmly, and shakes his hand. There is eye-to-eye contact. Sebastian is love-dazed (Again? When will he learn?), and feels tiny next to Blaine.
Sebastian is five-foot-four next to Blaine. The doctors tell him that he'll grow taller and that the medication he's taking is affecting his puberty. He looks like a little boy next to Blaine. He feels tiny and insignificant. He's pudgy and he's short, and nobody wants him.
Sebastian remembers Blaine sitting with him, staring at him with warm eyes, Sebastian being enticed...
Blaine shows him his collection of butterflies. Sebastian isn't even listening to half the conversation. He is too immersed.
"If it can fly, it can fall." Sebastian just mutters under his breath after some time. Paris springs back. Nick springs back. He is not safe.
Blaine runs his fingers against Sebastian's hair. Blaine looks apologetic for a moment as he suggests they go for a walk.
He tells Sebastian to go to the cafeteria.
Filled with love and those measly cotton-candy fantasies, Sebastian runs off to the cafeteria and opens the doorway. He's met by the scolding hot water.
Blaine's eyes widen when he notices that the water's really, really hot, that it's really burning Sebastian's skin from how red his skin's becoming and Blaine feels his heart race.
Jesse walks towards Blaine and puts a hand on his shoulder. "See, Blaine? I told you you'd feel satisfied, gaining this type of control—"
Blaine's eyes are full of tears as Jesse pulls him away from Sebastian. Sebastian waits for an apology the next day when he sits by Blaine, but surprisingly, he doesn't get it. He pretends that Blaine isn't staring at his burns. He pretends that Blaine doesn't throw away his butterfly collection.
He pretends that Blaine cares about him and can't say he's sorry for those few days.
Blaine had never apologised, despite how guilty he'd been.
Two years later, Blaine asks Sebastian about the nasty-looking burn that's still etched on his says that it's some kids playing rough. Blaine's hand doesn't leave Sebastian's own as he orders another shot of Courvoisier in his coffee (alcohol in your coffee, Sebastian? How dare you?)
Sebastian watches as Blaine practically flies during New Directions' performance of Bad by Michael Jackson. Blaine flies when he jumps but he ends up falling anyway.
Sebastian doesn't apologise when he hits Blaine with the slushie – cold, ice cold. It leaves its mark on him.
He swears even through the guilt, he will never, ever apologise to Blaine Anderson.
The third time he's bullied it's because he's been found following the Warblers a lot, so there are rumours in Dalton about Sebastian being easy.
He watches Nick snicker as Sebastian passes him by, that small little chubby short freshman with the blonde hair and green eyes.
Sebastian feels victimised as he finds people staring at him, undressing him mentally... the little whore that keeps on following the Warblers—worshipping every step they walk in. Sebastian feels sad, scared even.
He lets them talk about him, about how he's never gonna grow – he grows to six-foot-two, about how desperate he is, he goes to Scandals, being fucked by countless of men, about how stupid he is, he aces all of his classes, about how fat he is, he now weighs less than Blaine despite being taller than him.
Dalton talks about him, about how he'll just grow up to be a whore and at least that's true, he thinks back two years later.
He used to look up to Blaine.
Now, he looks down at him.
This is your fault.
This hatred for Blaine Anderson doesn't stop him from wanting to make out with him, for tearing him away and ruining the relationship that's made him happy with Kurt. After all, this is what he's supposed to do as the neighbourhood whore.
So he tells him that the whole bashful schoolboy thing is super-hot (my whole bashful schoolboy think fucking sucked) and he just stares at him with glittering smirk as he pretends that he's not a whore, as he watches from a far Blaine trying to get Kurt to fuck him—this is your boyfriend, Hummel. Why can't you see it?
Sebastian refuses to believe people change, when he of all fucking people isn't weak anymore—he refuses to believe that people change.
He stares at Hummel and swears that he reminds him of himself, that somewhere in that tiny appearance, there's Sebastian or Brandon or Trevor or fucking Ryan in there, which makes him want to punch Hummel in the face even more, because as far as he knows, he hates himself.
And he hates Hummel just as much.
Freshman year's halfway through when they start writing Facebook statuses about him and that's when Sebastian thinks he's had enough. He knows it's him. They pick his body parts like he's nothing more than a little doll built for their amusement.
Oh God, the awkward moment when someone with green eyes and is as short as hell decides that it's okay to wear shorts in the summer. I'm sure they don't sell shorts for people who are that short, or that fat.
Certain short, stocky, Warbler-obsessed people should start being men and stop walking around in fucking skirts. We need our eyes, thunder thighs.
Baby Brandon can't be fucked - baby Brandon can't be fucked, baby Brandon with the green eyes and blond hair won't be fucked even if he's a whore and a slut.
Sebastian feels tears in his eyes and he cries.
He cries hard in the comfort of the dorm he's in, and he's alone.
When his dorm mate walks in, he doesn't even give a damn about Sebastian's tears.
He stares at the screen again and swears he wants to kill himself. When he decides on taking an overdose of his sleeping pills (now, why did he have those lying around?), Blaine asks him if he has anything to help him sleep, looking really bloodshot and tired.
Blaine opens his mouth and Sebastian waits for it. I'm sorry, that one apology that will keep him alive.
Sebastian watches as Blaine takes a sleeping pill.
"Thanks, Ryan," he whispers softly. He ruffles through his hair and kisses his forehead like he would a child.
"Do…do you need the pills?" Blaine looks so tired that Sebastian gives him the pills anyway.
He doesn't kill himself that night.
Now, he's standing there, watching Blaine going through his operation and he walks over towards the bedside, and gives him a pill. Blaine falls asleep. The sedated Blaine doesn't notice Sebastian lying beside him, and Sebastian slips out of the bed in an hour. He keeps the pills by Blaine's bedside.
Blaine tries to kill himself with Sebastian's pills.
It's because of the operation, they say. It's because of the pressure and the bullying, they say. It's because of Sebastian Smythe, they say, the cold-hearted devil that deserves to burn in hell.
Sebastian doesn't give a damn as he watches the news where Kurt is clutching onto Blaine's body, the way that they'd never do for him. He's still not sorry for hitting Blaine with that slushie, and he never will be.
His parents won't look him in the eye, but that just makes lying to them easier.
The next time that he sees Kurt, Kurt's ready to punch him and he balls his hand into a fist, but he doesn't. He just shrinks away and leaves.
Sebastian stands there, stunned because Hummel had all the fucking right to hit him, but he hasn't.
Sebastian apologies to Hummel the next day via phone for hurting his boyfriend. He's sorry for the pain he's caused Hummel. He's not sorry for hurting Blaine, and Kurt can read between the lines as the phone call ends. He writes a status about himself on a fake Facebook account that states: Sebastian Smythe tries to kill people he wants to sleep with.
All of New Directions comment on it, agreeing.
Kurt doesn't comment. That only makes Sebastian hate him more.
The last time that Sebastian remembers being bullied is on his last day of freshman year in Dalton.
He's humiliated in front of all of Dalton when the Warblers sing a song to him, a song that's sexual and makes Sebastian feel really victimised.
That same night, Sebastian loses his virginity to Nick liar, liar, Nick - you told me you were a virgin when you met SEBASTIAN, not Ryan, not Trevor, not any-fucking-one but SEBASTIAN before he leaves.
He comes back senior year, and he doesn't even recognise himself.
He's numb as he drinks his coffee.
He tells Nick that he's a fucking vegan and he shouldn't be giving him turkey sandwiches. He snaps at Jeff. He scares Nick a lot, and even makes crude sexual comments about him. He sexually starts pressuring Blaine, telling him he doesn't give a damn if he has a boyfriend, over and over, telling him he's desirable—beautiful.
He is untouchable.
Still, when he hears that song on the radio again, he stops his car in the middle of the road, cries for Brandon or Trevor or Ryan or whatever, and then he drives off and pretend like nothing's ever happened.
Nobody dares touches him in Dalton anymore.
It's nice, but when Nick finds Sebastian's wallet, and looks through his pictures, he stares at Sebastian in full horror. "Brandon?"
"Or Trevor, or fucking Ryan," Sebastian snaps. "Yes?"
Nick stares at him, scared of him as he looks down and now he looks guilty.
"I'm sorry," Nick whispers those words and Sebastian stares at him. He deflates.
On the other hand, the other Warblers react negatively, and a ginger-haired boy grabs onto Sebastian and pulls him against the locker, punching him in his stomach repeatedly until he pukes. Nick's too petrified to do anything—too sweet now, standing there with tears in his eyes, beginning the ginger named Ethan to stop, but he doesn't and Nick shrieks when Sebastian starts bleeding from the impact of Ethan's fist into his skin.
Jeff runs over to him and Nick's crying as he begs Ethan now.
"Just because he's in the Warblers doesn't change that he's a disgusting little—"
Blaine's standing there, eyes hard and cold, and suddenly, Ethan shrinks away at the look of pure hardness on Blaine's face.
Blaine leans down and holds onto Sebastian's shoulder.
"Fucking Ryan," Sebastian mutters to Blaine and suddenly, he notices those green eyes – vulnerable, small, and familiar. "My name isn't Ryan."
"I found these," Nick says, sniffing, pictures of five-foot-four Sebastian on his wallet, and Blaine stares at him, then at Sebastian.
Blaine suddenly grabs onto his wrist, and stares at the burn mark etched there (look familiar?).
"Sebastian," Blaine's voice is full of sorrow. He's scared of bullies and he's saved Sebastian (does that mean that Sebastian should forgive him?). "I am so sorry. You were perfect. You didn't have to change. You were perfect—"
"I'm not fucking Hummel," Blaine's shocked by this response. "You're thinking of him,"
Sebastian stares at the empty space.
"Trevor. Brandon. Ryan. Kurt. I am everyone to you," Sebastian stared at Blaine, eyes cold and snarky with hatred. "But myself. And I am frankly sick of it. I am sick of you. You want to be fucking known but you don't give a rat's ass about knowing other people first. And by the way, I don't give a damn if you 'saved me' from Ethan. I don't give a damn about you and you certainly don't give a damn about me. After all, according to Nick, if I have the vocals, I can be as bitchy as I want and tell people that your naked body isn't good enough. I'm gonna go fuck some guy from Scandals because I'm a fucking whore."
He pauses, and then adds on, "See you on the other side."
The conclusion? The aftermath? The ending?
Funny how this turns out.
He ends up in bed with Kurt Hummel.
It's practically masturbation according to Blaine fucking Anderson.
They're in a hotel room. Sebastian doesn't leave in the morning. Kurt says he's still in love with Blaine and this is just a one-off they won't talk about. Sebastian thinks he's as adorable as Nick. He would even give him an audition and punch his face in if he wants.
Kurt gives him a chicken sandwich and he doesn't mention he's a vegan as he eats.
He is not sorry.
the fanfic is set between two time periods - what happened before and what happened afterwards. the interaction here is most dependent on Nick, Blaine and Kurt.
Nick: a standby for old Warbler behaviour. personally picked due to the fact that Sebastian did give him a solo, and to give that action a bit more character than it actually was. sexual assault, mindless abuse of power, and an implied rape - he used to abuse how 'popular' he was and was on a bit of a high horse. his change is mostly to fit to how sweet Nick is in canon (and in many people's headcannons). poor Nick took the role of being morphed, and is only there to show the transition from Warbler behaviour before and Warbler behaviour after. it is also to show the transition from Sebastian's fear of having sex/seeing it as a huge milestone to doing it on a causal and regular basis and thinking it has no meaning. there is an implication of the fact that Sebastian had some love ideals that were crushed first by Nick, later on repeated by Blaine.
the really important main roles here are Blaine and Kurt.
Blaine: implied to have been in cahoots with Jesse about pranking Sebastian, but prank went horribly wrong. the water was hot (as implied Blaine was shocked to know this), but did not apologise. obviously, the biggest part of the Blaine-Sebastian interaction was the lengths that Blaine went to crumble up the incident in denial, and not face up to what he had done even though he had a small part of it. this whole fanfic is based on the idea that Sebastian knew that Blaine would jump in front of Kurt to take the hit. Sebastian replicated their situation perfectly. he gave Blaine his 'mark'.
the interesting part to think about here is that technically, i wrote Sebastian in a way in which he rewarded Nick instead of punishing him, but he punished Blaine. this is because Sebastian has still not fully moulded into his callously cold persona, and this is shown later on, deflected by Kurt.
Kurt: meant to be a mirror for the old Sebastian, the kind to take the upper hand. hence the comment "it's practically masturbation" at the end.
it is implied that whilst facing his mirror (i.e. Kurt), he is able to put down his guard. it is implied he actually has feelings for Kurt beyond hate. it is not explored. it is implied that there are parts of the old Sebastian more when he is around Kurt, a battle of the 'new' and 'old'.
the break-down, however, was a play-on for me. because i think that mostly whilst others do not know who Sebastian is, Sebastian does not know who he is (i.e. spends so much time moulding the mask that he doesn't know how he looks like beyond the mask anymore). the 'new' Sebastian harbours a self-hatred for his younger self, which is conflicting because Kurt reminds him of how he was like previously.
xo Peanut Butter/Sam