It's written in flesh with an ink of silvery white, almost like it blends in with their flesh.
Kurt stares at his hand, as if it's suddenly going to disappear and rewrite itself, as if it's a horrible April Fools' joke sinking deep into his skin, and he feels something caught in his throat, a lump that makes him unable to even utter the smallest of words. He wonders if he can call his body betraying, confusing even, and he's been told that soulmates are selected by reality, by stars, by the universe, by something real—that it's not wrong. That it's real.
It's real. It's real. It's real. Fuck.
His mind's fuzzy and the name written on his skin makes him want to run towards the bathroom and throw up. He wonders if someone's going to pop out of their hiding place and tell him that his look of pure and utter shock is extremely hilarious and that they're going to put it on YouTube.
Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit—
He's only been eighteen for three months right about now and it's bound to show up sooner, but he expects a Blaine Anderson, the curly haired boy that he has a crush on. He expects a Sam Evans, whose got one hell of an ass. He might even take Sebastian Smythe, the ass that's been trying to get into Blaine's pants for too long about now, and according to Blaine, he wants to wait for the name marred to find its way to his face, to retell his destiny.
Kurt stares at his hand. Fuck.
Kurt prides himself in his sexuality. He's the boy with all the Prada shirts, lugging around the Chanel bag, self-assured, happy, beautiful and most of all—gay, openly gay. Kurt swears he hasn't dated anyone just because he wants to know what the stars, his body, and blood are telling him he's part of. The supernatural world that's been beckoning him to a soulmate, a lover, marring his skin with their name. The name of the person he's supposed to be with.
He doesn't expect this.
Kurt feels something caught in his throat.
The name is his hand mocks him.
Kurt sluggishly appears by the doorway of the kitchen. Finn raises an eyebrow towards his brother whose standing there towed in Finn's jacket, that's swallowing him whole and jeans he's never seen Kurt wear before. He looks like any average teenage boy, and Finn wonders what's gotten into his brother.
Kurt has to be wrong.
He believes in astronomy and stars, and soulmates and the supernatural. This can't be happening. He wonders why he feels so wrong between the fabric that he's supposed to embrace. He wonders why his Father's staring at him like that, as if Kurt can't act like a man if it pleases him to. "Kurt? …all your clothes are in the laundry?"
Finn laughs. "Did you see Kurt's closet? Yeah. I doubt it." Finn now stares at Kurt for an explanation.
"Er…I got the name of my soulmate today." Kurt awkwardly stammers, cheeks flushing watermelon pink.
"What's his name?" Burt suddenly hisses, looking ready to kill him. "If it's anywhere that's Satan, Lucifer, or Bruce, I am getting my gun—"
"What's his name?" Finn grins. "I bet it's a really girly guy name, if you have to try and dress up like that to impress him. He's a bottom…?"
Kurt wonders why he's taught Finn about tops and bottoms.
"Hush now," Carole hushes her son. "Let Kurt speak."
Kurt's the centre of attention now and he feels a lump in his throat as he slowly moves towards the kitchen, grabs the nearest sandwich and takes a huge bite out of it – mouth filling with cheese as he speaks. "…her name is Rachel Berry."
Finn stares at Kurt with a fixed expression. "R...Rachel?" he gasps out.
"I didn't want to, okay?" Kurt says, to the girl he's been dating on and off with, and he's just glad that they're not together right now or he won't stand to be in the same room as his brother. Kurt wonders if he has any feelings for her.
"So…this is experimenting?" Finn says, looking at Kurt's clothing.
Kurt slowly nods. "Yes, Finnegan."
"Cool," Finn's mouth breaks into a smile. "Want to come to football practice with me?"
Kurt grimaces in disgust and then shakes his head.
"No, Finn. I'm still the same me, but apparently, now, I'm straight," Kurt says the last part as if it's a sudden curse.
Maybe he needs just a bit of experimentation. So he texts Rachel out, and she says that she'd love to go for a coffee run. He wonders if there are going to be any sparks and he hates Finn for all the jokes that he's been making so far as Kurt munches onto his braised spinach and cheese on whole-wheat and Finn mutters something that sounds like "still eats the same crappy food" and Kurt shoots him a glare.
Finn simply gives him a smile. His brother's enjoying this to say the least.
By the time that he's going to go to his lunch date with Rachel that Saturday, Finn barges through the doorway and following him is Puck, who grabs Kurt from his closet, whose been frantically trying to decide what sounds like "I think I'm gay but I might be straight, so here's us trying to make this work" outfit, without making Rachel wonder what's going on with Kurt and without making Kurt look overly…Kurt.
Puck shoves him backwards. "Alright, Lady Boy, I'm gonna show you how to seduce women."
Kurt swears it's the worst lesson he's heard all day as Puck tells him where he's supposed to be his cock in female and male sex, and then pats his back, gives him the ugliest and most disgusting shirt he's ever seen in his life that doesn't match his skin complexion, and he wears it after much hesitation and he swears he looks like he's going into a Fight Club.
"Gosh, Hummel – you look like a man for once. Tell me how it goes if you get some, alright?"
Kurt's repulsed. His eyes suddenly travel to Puck's ass, and he watches how tightly the jean-fabric of his pants press against his ass—that's a nice sight.
Focus, Kurt. You're straight. Your soulmate is Rachel for Prada's sake. Go to your date. Act straight, and hope it all works well.
Kurt meets Rachel and she stares at him as if he's suddenly had two heads. "…er…that's in season?" Rachel says, hoping to break the tension.
Kurt flushes and nods. "Yeah, I suppose."
Kurt spots a familiar face close to them. That Neanderthal is hiding behind a newspaper! Puck only offers him a smirk and Finn's just trying to hide behind not his – Kurt's – huge Gucci glasses and a golfer's hat. That does not work together!
Kurt doesn't realise that he's choked on his frappuccino until Rachel's patting at his back. Kurt dully sees Puck write against the newspaper and then show him what's written. NOT COOL.
Kurt wants to groan. He stares down at the plate, and then back at Puck whose writing again. Move in for the kill, Hummel.
"Sorry," Kurt finally says. "I just noticed how brown your eyes are," and this is Kurt's cue to stare into her big, brown doe eyes. They are in fact very brown now that he stares at them, and his face is only inches away from Rachel's.
"Oh," Rachel says. She doesn't realise that it's a slightly flirty compliment. Grab her and kiss her writes Puck and Kurt ignores because whilst he might be dressed in Puck-style in this crap, at least he's civilized. Kurt's tries to envision Rachel's breasts.
He grimaces and hides his face with a suck on the straw of his chocolate-chip frappuccino.
Maybe if he touches them? He's just so fucking confused and it's all coming down to him and those idiots at the corner are just begging him to grab her and kiss her, as if that's that simple. "Oh! You got your soulmate written on your hand, right? I can see something. I can see it! Come on. Show me. Show me." Rachel looks very elected now.
He stops his best friend but she's grabbed his hand and pulls it over to see his curse. Rachel stares back up at him with confused doe brown eyes.
"…you and me?" Rachel says, voice small.
"Rachel." Kurt sounds like he's pleading.
"But you're gay."
Kurt flusters again and then tries to point to his attire. "You're trying to be something you're not, Kurt," Rachel suddenly says. "You know you're gay."
"I don't know anymore," Kurt's voice is soft.
Rachel is just about to leave when Kurt grabs her wrist, and then looks to her eyes, begging. "Can I…can I at least try something?" Kurt moves his lips towards her own and they softly touch. It's a soft tongue and Kurt tries to bring her close, but she's so small and soft, and her breast are touching him. He wonders if he's supposed to feel repulsed. He's too busy wondering why her body's pressing against him in all the wrong ways.
He then realises that Rachel's responding back lovingly. Kurt pulls back, and she licks her lip.
Kurt flushes. "My pineapple lip-gloss."
Rachel doesn't seem to notice as she says. "We should try something," she whispers under her breath.
She invites him for dinner.
Kurt doesn't know what to wear so he settles for something that makes him feel like he's in his skin. He wears a white shirt that is oh-so-posh with its golden lining and its glittery gold buttons. He thinks that Rachel would at least appreciate it. He brings flowers, but he really wants to run over and give them to Blaine, or Puck, or Mike, or even Sebastian – as long as it's a boy.
He's just about to leave when Blaine's sitting by the counter. Finn's on the other side and they're eating muffins. "And then Kurt and Rachel kiss."
Blaine stares at Kurt as Finn retells the horrid tale, with a look of surprise on his face. "So you're straight?" he awkwardly says.
Kurt shrugs. "I dunno. We'll see." Kurt says after a pause. He stares at the mirror and he feels like himself, but just holding the flowers feel so wrong.
"Hmm…those are violets! They're my favourite."
Kurt wonders why he's chosen violets to give to Rachel and he remembers that it's true – he does choose them because they're Blaine's favourite. He finds himself picking off a violet from the bouquet and giving them that one to Blaine, and he notices that it's the tallest one of all. Blaine grabs onto the violet happily and stares down at it. "Thanks, Kurt. Now, go get her, tiger." Blaine smirks at him.
Kurt smiles at Blaine and then leaves, but feels his heart's been torn out of his chest, as he drives. He wonders if the stars are wrong, just for the moment, and if he's really gay, and attracted to Blaine. He wonders if he'll slowly fall in love with Rachel. He wonders if he's going to fall in love with Rachel. He knows she loves sunflowers the best, yet he brings her violets.
She takes them and doesn't acknowledge the fact that they're not her favourite. "Violets!" Rachel calls out, as if emphasising on the fact that there are no sunflowers given to her.
Rachel tucks her hair behind her ear. "My Dads said that since we were…soulmates, we can…have the room to ourselves. They trust you."
Kurt feels his stomach hurting. "The stars sung of us, Kurt."
"I know," Kurt replies tediously as he watches Rachel slowly pull him to the room. He watches her slowly take off her night-gown and he stares at her body. It's not pretty. He doesn't think that her breasts are cute or that her lingerie's sexy because all he can think of is how yellow compliments Rachel Berry's skin very well. The doors are locked as she slowly sits against him and she stares at him. "Should I tear off—?"
"No," Kurt says all of a sudden. "It's a good shirt."
"Gold," Rachel says, unbuttoning the buttons slowly. "Like stars."
"Like stars," Kurt reinforces.
When Rachel takes off Kurt's shirt, he grabs her elbows. "I don't want to hurt you. I'm not attracted to you, Rachel." He suddenly says and then feels the guilt of his words.
"Well, we can fix that. We have to. You're my soulmate. You used to always talk about the weddings and how romantic it is and you always thought that it's cute that you're matched with someone and you always, always said that you want to look into your soul-mate's eyes and say that you love them as you kiss them and then make passionate love by the moonlight."
"…Rachel, I had those fantasies with a guy," Kurt calls out in a broken voice.
"We can still do it. Just so you can be sure. Please?" Rachel's so desperate for the stars. The stars that sing of them. Kurt stares down at her and then nods his head. He clasps her bra gently, and lets it fall. He stares at the breasts before him. He's not interested and then she kisses him.
There are no sparks. It's fun. Of course it is, his eyes are closed and he she's taking off his clothing. By the time he opens his eyes, she's standing up and slowly removing her underwear. She looks so uncertain that Kurt grabs her hand, which is still against the line of her underwear and tells her, "Stop, Rachel. What if we do it and I don't like it? What if? Rache," Kurt's voice's soft.
Rachel stops, and looks down at her feet, tears in her eyes. "Come on, Kurt. We can do this. I still believe that…that if we do this, then maybe something would click…"
"Rachel, stop! Maybe the stars and the universe and this entire thing is wrong! Because I love Blaine! I've always loved Blaine!"
"You can't be sure," Rachel says interrupting him. "You think you do, Kurt, but that's not what that says."
"You want me to do it with you, Rache? Really?"
Kurt's eyes are staring down at the floor. "Oh my God, you are in love with me."
"Kurt, please, just-"
"You want me to have sex with you, because…because you like me…and this," Kurt pulls his hand, still smudgy with Rachel Berry, "is just a reason to you for us to be together."
"Kurt. Why is it that I want you and you don't?"
"I…I don't know," Kurt stammers.
"See, Kurt? The stars aren't wrong at all. And this…is real."
Kurt stares at her through unshed tears, and then pulls her against the bedside, tearing down her underwear. He doesn't feel anything but the pain in his chest, as she lets him unzip his jeans. Her skin is touching his stomach, and she's pulling down with so much anticipation as she runs her tongue up his chest. He takes Rachel's hair, shuts his eyes and then pushes her against the bed. "So…I just…push into you, right?" he's still uncertain, thinking of Puck's words.
"I don't have a-"
Rachel reaches her arm out into her dresser and then pulls out a box. "Er…this…?"
Kurt grabs the box of condoms before flushing as he rips off the top part, and tries to fumble whilst putting on the condom. It's awkward to say the least as he puts on the slip of rubber. Rachel lies down, and he stares at her, unclothed. Naked. For him. The least he can do is pretend. Kurt shuts his eyes, and with Blaine in his mind, he goes on the bedside, staring at her. He has visuals of Blaine slowly stripping his shirt, and with arousal and erectness, he kisses Rachel. Rachel responds as their mouths meet. Rachel elects a soft moan from her body. Kurt's mind is still reeling with ideas and visuals of Blaine in his mind, as he tries to slide his tongue down her neck to kiss her, biting at the soft, sensitive skin.
Kurt bites his lip. Rachel. "Rachel."
Her voice is so breathy that it makes him wonder how much she actually wants him. Kurt opens his eyes, and sees the diva below him, smiling at him, hair askew, panting from just the thought of Kurt being on top of her. Kurt continues to kiss her, as she runs her hands over his skin. That's nice. It elects a wave of electricity surging through his body. She licks the lower base of his tongue and he kisses her lower lip, trailing his mouth towards her neck, and then making small bites. He doesn't even remember it's Rachel, just that it's skin. A lot of it. And he needs skin for his erect cock right now. He bites at her neck, and softly sucks, hearing her moan and wither for him, underneath him. He trails his tongue down to her breasts, and then cups each one, with Puck's instructions in his mind. Lick them. Suck them. They're yours. Show her they're yours.
At the command, Kurt wraps his mouth around Rachel's breast, feeling her hand bring him closer as he sucks on the salty skin. Rachel's sounding out things he's never heard before. Kurt moves in to continue feeling her, mouth on her breasts, feeling her wither underneath him, as he takes her other neglected breast. First, he teethes her nipple so at least he can think of Blaine that way slightly before he wraps his mouth around the breast. She's arching and the friction is enough to erect Kurt for now. Kurt stops for a moment. "Rachel, I don't—"
"Kurt, you're so far in. Please."
Kurt nods towards her. "Okay," he then spreads her legs, staring at them before he inserts his finger inside of her. She arches completely upward.
Kurt opens his mouth. "Rache, I'm so sorry-"
"No! No! It feels…really, really good," Rachel blushes.
Kurt nods, now flushing himself as he fingers her, adding another finger and watches how she arches for him. "So…this is like gay sex, except I have to insert my cock in your vagina?"
Rachel rolls her eyes, and sarcastically says. "That's really sexy of you to say, Kurt."
Kurt shrugs, and just removes his fingers, before sliding his erect cock inside of her. He thinks of himself pushing inside of Blaine, and suddenly, his body's shaking with need. He finds himself needing to thrust in and out of her to make his need disappear, as Rachel screams out his name. Kurt doesn't say a word, continuously building up the beautiful feeling inside of him as he comes. He pulls out of her, noticing her slickness.
"Kurt," Rachel's smiling at him.
"Rache," Kurt shakes his head, tears spilling. "I'm sorry."
"But that was—"
"I was thinking of Blaine," Kurt suddenly says. "And a body's a body. If you stimulate me enough, of course I'm going to do things, Rache."
Kurt picks off his shirt, and then looks back at Rachel biting his lower lip. "Rache…"
"The stars were wrong, Rache."
"You took my virginity!"
"You told me to!" Kurt suddenly snaps, eyes on her, as he dresses himself. And Rachel opens her mouth to protest before she shuts it and nods her head.
"I thought…that you might…love me…after or," Kurt puts a finger to her lips.
"I do love you, Rachel," Kurt's voice is warm. "But not like this."
Rachel wraps her arms around Kurt and then sobs. Kurt looks down and runs a hand down her back, pressing his head against his own. "…Kurt…"
Rachel looks back at him, running a hand up his cheek. "I have to let you go now?"
Kurt shuts his eyes and nods his head. "I'm gay, Rachel."
Rachel slowly nods at him and then runs a hand through his hair one final time. "…thank you, Kurt."
Kurt nods his head. "I do love you, Rachel."
And that makes it harder, because she's something close to him, but not this. Rachel allows him to leave, and feels the wake of the Earth shatter in its wake. That night, the stars do not glitter as beautifully as before, as Kurt lies down in his empty, vacant bed, eyes onto the names in his hand, lulled with confusion as he throws his duvet over his body and lets his body rest. Tomorrow, he will wake up and feel the stars betray him again as he looks down at his hand, curse the world and wonder what boy Blaine's hand will tell him he's with, and he wonders if there's anything in the glittering world out there for him. Then there's emptiness again, the kind of emptiness that are in Rachel's eyes only moments ago.
Rachel texts him with one simple sentence: Kurt, I'm sorry.
He doesn't know if she should be sorry anymore. He kicks off his legs, feels himself shake, and then wonders why his body's so fucked up right now and why the stars are making a mockery of him. He wonders if the sun tomorrow will usher him to not kill himself.
I know, Rache. I'm sorry too.