Chapter 5: Douchebaggery At Dinner
In this particular story, Blu and Jewel are both thirty years old and the parents of ten children so far. They are sitting around a delectable pile of fruit and nuts, chatting with each other and eating leisurely.
As we all know, pregnant females tend to be moody, and so it is fair to say that Jewel is a ticking time-bomb.
What will Blu do to set her off?
How much food and how many harsh words will fly as a result?
Will either of them survive to see the next sunrise? Let us assume the third person viewpoint and see…
"Isn't this evening romantic, Blu?" asked Jewel, bending down to nab a purple grape with her beak.
"It sure is, honey. We haven't had quite a night like this all year, aside from our steamy round of sex last week."
Jewel hurriedly chewed and swallowed the grape, almost causing herself to gag.
"You got that right, handsome. I can still remember you blowing my mind with your tongue and your wings. It's a good thing you know how to… copulate properly," she said with a grin.
Blu downed a nut without chewing and replied, "Why thank you, beautiful. Even though Sex for Dummies is made for humans, the knowledge it holds can always be adapted for the lower species."
"Oh, so you learned all those techniques from a book?"
Blu smiled and said, "Yep."
She hopped over to him and said silkily, "I'm glad you did. Now I'll never have to worry about not being satisfied. You know exactly where to put things, and when."
"Neither will I, beautiful. You know where to touch me, and for how long."
Blu gazed down at her swollen midsection and pressed his right wing against her sultry feathers.
"How are they doing? Not hurting you at all, are they?"
She folded her wing over his and looked at him.
"They're doing fine. And no, they're not causing me any pain."
"That's good to hear."
Blu leaned forward and plastered an elegant kiss on her furry cheek.
"I love you, my precious Jewel."
"I love you too, my handsome Blu."
Blu wrapped his right wing around her back and squeezed their chests together. He then kissed her even deeper than before, closing his eyes in bliss.
When he broke away, Jewel breathed in and said, "Blu, don't you get uncomfortable when they watch us kiss?"
"The people floating above us."
Confused, Blu peered at the ceiling, turning his head in all directions.
"I don't see anyone, Jewel. I think you're hallucinating."
Undaunted, Jewel replied, "But Blu, they're right there! I see a bunch of boys and girls. They seem very interested in what we're saying and doing."
She pointed her wing here and there at the heads she saw hovering over her, their faces cheery and painted with anticipation.
"Jewel, there's no one there. No one is spying on us! Now quit talking nonsense and shove your tongue in my mouth."
"No. I will not do anything until you stop lying."
Blu narrowed his eyes and said, "I'm not lying! I think those eggs must be messing with your brain."
"Now what is that supposed to mean? Are you calling me crazy?"
"What do you want me to call you? Sane? What you're claiming to see is impossible!"
"Oh, so just because you're a nerd-bird means you know everything there is to know?"
Blu crossed his wings and fired back, "No, but I do know enough to be able to tell the truth from mindless rambling."
Jewel threw her wings up in disgust and stomped over to the food pile.
"Ugh! You're so stubborn! Leave me alone, non-believer."
She crammed a few nuts in her beak and crunched them in anger, turning her back on her mate.
Blu strutted over to the opposite side and grabbed a grape, causing her to face away from him again.
"Oooh, so you're giving me the silent treatment? Be that way, then."
He thrust the grape into his beak and liquefied it with his irritated chews.
"Idiot Jewel and her idiot mood swings," Blu muttered quietly. "The faster she gets those eggs out, the better. That way, she won't whine about anything, and she won't look so fat."
As Blu made to down a few nuts, Jewel stiffened. She turned around slowly and dramatically, glaring poisonously at her mate.
"Did you just call me fat?"
Haughtily, Blu chomped down on the nuts and replied, "Yeah. Sho? What arsh you gonnath do?"
She glared even harder and threw a slew of nuts at his face.
"Take that, jerk! It's your fault I'm fat in the first place!"
Blu swallowed and stepped around the food pile, moving closer to her.
"My fault? Please explain, fatty!"
She poked his chest menacingly with her wing.
"You're the one who was begging to pound me all day! If you would have kept your beak shut, we never would have mated. But we did, and so I got pregnant. Bingo, that means it's your fault!"
"You could have refused, but you didn't! You're the one who let me massage you and lick you in dirty places and thrust your brains out. Bingo, that means it's your fault!"
"Whatever, liar. You've never claimed I was fat before, so what's the big deal now?"
"Because you are! And you have a temper that's hotter than hell!"
"Now look at you, insulting my personality!" she yelled. "Oh man, I better look out, 'cause big-shot Blu's here. Step aside, everyone, and make room for the asshole!"
She got in his face as she screamed the last word.
"If I'm an asshole, then you're a bitch! A grumpy, overweight bitch!"
She slapped him with her wing, his head jerking to the left.
She looked upwards, only to see the floating heads cringing away, their faces tainted with exasperation.
She brought her head down and faced her mate.
"Look what you're doing! You're scaring our audience away! Quit being such a douchebag!"
Blu huffed and slapped Jewel back.
"You think I care about them? They're not even real. Quit bringing them up, DOUCHEBAG!"
Jewel recovered from the hit and seized a grape with her foot, smashing it all over Blu's beak. As the slime dripped to the ground, Blu's eyes began to sting from the spray of acidic juice.
Jewel began to snort in glee as he scrubbed his eyes, groaning all the while.
When he stopped rubbing, he opened them and pierced Jewel with a demonic stare.
His bloodshot eyes silently impaled her, but the sweet revenge of her victory nullified his hatred. She cracked up internally and toppled on her back, flopping around as she laughed.
"Oh Blu… you should see how… you look! Your eyes… oh damn… I got you good!"
She peeled open her eyes and met the gazes of the faces above, who were snickering and cackling.
"The faces… are laughing too! I have their support! I WIN!"
Blu snapped and snatched up a grape, bounding over to his hysterical mate. He shut her up instantly by shoving the purple orb against her eye and grinding it back and forth.
"How do you like this, abusive slut! Feel the burn!"
"Ahh! Get off… you bastard!"
She wiped the dark smile off his face by head-butting him in the skull. He staggered backwards and tripped, landing in the food pile and scattering it in all directions.
"Gah… urgh… I'm gonna bust you up, Blu! Shit…"
Blu rolled over and got to his feet, breathing heavily like an enraged bull.
"Come at me then, whore! It's gonna take more than one hit like that to stop me!"
Jewel peeled her bloodshot eye open, shook her head, and charged. She tackled Blu to the floor and began ripping out his feathers with her sharp beak.
"Ow! Hey! Get the hell off!"
They rolled around in a storm of feathers and insults, grapes and nuts being smashed and tossed from their home.
Blu retaliated in kind, stripping plumes from her neck and chest with uncouth force.
They then resorted to pecking and nipping each other, drawing blood from the various cuts and tears they inflicted.
They also scratched each other's bellies with their claws.
For the entire duration of the fight, neither paid any attention to the danger they were putting Jewel's eggs in.
Needless to say they wore themselves out in a matter of minutes, reduced to hoarse, bleeding sacks of feathers.
They ended up on their sides, Jewel's beak clamped onto his neck, Blu's claws dug into her stomach.
"Shit… can you let go now? Damn… I hurt all over. I hope… I don't puke…" Blu moaned.
Jewel unclenched her beak and spit out a wad of soggy feathers, shoving him away weakly.
"Ohh… I'm gonna lose sleep tonight… that's for sure…" Jewel muttered.
Blu dragged himself over to one side of the space, kicking the remnant fruit in his path. He left a broken trail of blood droplets as he walked.
Jewel spun and staggered to her feet, clamping her wings against her stomach.
"Blu… if you hurt these eggs… I'm gonna kill you… literally…"
Too weak to move, she simply crouched there, her head hanging low.
"You can't kill me… I'm your mate. Then our species… will end up… going extinct…"
She snorted pitifully and replied, "We're gonna die out… someday anyway.. Carlos… is the biggest damn moron on the planet… for only making two of us…"
Ruefully, Jewel craned her head up. The faces were saddened by the statement, nodding their heads in agreement.
"Even the faces… agree. I swear… when I find that Brazilian idiot… I'm gonna claw his throat out…"
Blu let out a disdainful sigh and laid his chin on the floor.
"You know… maybe we should… keep this to ourselves. It'll be… our dirty little secret…"
Jewel slumped to the floor and peered at him from behind our drooping eyelids.
"Yeah That's the best idea… you've came up with… all day…"
"Screw you… Jewel," he said resentfully." I'm gonna go to sleep now. Give me some peace and quiet, will you?"
"What-the-hell-ever. Sweet dreams… jerk…"
Blu stouck his tongue out at her, then shut his eyes drearily.
"Tulio and Linda… may never know what happened… but our kids eventually will. I sure hope… I don't have to beat them up too…"
Jewel stole one last glance at the faces, who smiled faintly and vanished.
"Finally… the spies are gone. Time for some… decent sleep. No birds… to pester me about having sex… or wanting to fight… with me…"
Jewel nearly closed her eyes, but a flash of movement propped them open. She saw a lone head, male on one side, female on the other, right in front of her beak.
"Go to hell. I'm done having… my privacy violated. Screw you. Go watch some… other macaw family…"
With that, the face took its leave, and Jewel fell into a painful slumber.
Moral: Don't say harmful things to your pregnant wife on a romantic evening, or she will make your ears bleed by insults alone. She will make your skin bleed as well, by other means.