"Let me out of here now, Selim!" Kimblee tried ordering the adolescent. It didn't work. Not that he had expected it to. He had been trapped in the tupperware for nearly an hour, and Selim wouldn't let him out.
"Tell me what homunculi are." Selim said stubbornly. That had been his demand since Kimblee had first asked to be let out.
"I told you, I'll tell you when you let me out"
"And I won't let you out until you tell me"
Will vs. Will
Honor vs. Honor
Pride vs. Pride.
And Selim was Pride.
"What if I tell you half now, half when you let me out?" Kimblee pleaded.
"All or nothing"
Kimblee sighed. "Fine." He peered out at Selim through the clear part of the tupperware. "Come closer."
"No, I can hear you just fine where I am, thank you very much." Selim shook his head. "And I'm not stupid."
"Well it was worth a shot."
"Just tell me. After that I'll let you out. I promise."
"You had better sit down." Kimblee said.
Selim eyed the smoky man suspiciously. "Why?"
"No reason, it just makes it more dramatic."
"Just tell me already," Selim said, his voice becoming dangerously low.
"Ok, Ok" Kimblee said, pretending to be scared. Pride shows through... He thought. Not as different as I had thought. "A homunculus is..."
THREE HOURS LATER
Selim stared at Kimblee with wide eyes. "So I'm supposed to be a fake human made by this suspicious character who calls himself 'Father' and my dad is too?" He burst into wild OOC laughter. "How gullible do you think I am?"
Kimblee raised his smokey hands in protest. "I swear it's the truth!"
Selim raised an eyebrow. "And he was defeated by Uncle Ed? That Uncle Ed? And Auntie Envy is a former homunculus? I could believe you if you didn't try to make it sound like those two were actually awesome or something."
Kimblee sighed. "Winry was alive back then, before she was killed off for the sake of the authors yaoi fantasies. She managed to handle all of the crazy and angst and make it bearable for everybody. But she's dead."
"You'd better find yourself a Winry to keep you in check. Main characters with love interests are typically less likely to die in the end. Hopefully."
"So who's your love interest?" Selim asked teasingly.
"Why you, of course, dear Selim." Seeing Selim's shocked and disgusted face, Kimblee said, rolling his eyes."No one, I'm dead."
"But you're right there..." Selim said, pointing to the tupperware.
"It's called a plot hole! You just saw one in Ed's backyard, remember?"
"Ok, nevermind." It was Selim's turn to roll his eyes. "So lets say I actually believe that crap story about the homunculi. Which homunculi was Father? Who was I?
"Your father was Wrath, although he wasn't your biological father." Kimblee started.
"Well, I know that" Selim interrupted.
"I know you know, I was simply stating the obvious, because our readers might have forgotten." Kimblee said, gesturing to the broken fourth wall.
"Oh, right. Forgot about them. Continue."
"You were Pride." Kimblee said, looking for Selim's reaction.
"Oh, so that's why you called me that when I first saw you." Selim said, realization dawning on his face. "Not that I believe this is true or anything." He quickly said, being the tsundere the authors just spur-of-the moment decided to make him.
"What will it take for you to believe me?" Kimblee asked, starting to get desperate. He really did not like tupperware pots. In fact, though he would never ever admit this aloud, he had a deadly fear of them, from his childhood days when he had burned his hand when using one.
That was what had compelled him to learn alchemy so he could destroy all tupperware pots in brilliant explosions and create world pea... Um... Well, he would be happy at least.
"Nothing will make me believe you."
"Isn't that a bit extreme? What if you asked a neutral third party or something?"
Selim sighed. He knew who he'd end up asking- Uncle Ed was a former main character after all, and it seemed most plot-points eventually made their way back to him- and he really didn't want to have to spend more time than necessary with his crazy Uncle.
ONE WALK TO AN ED'S HOUSE LATER
"Uncle Ed?" Selim peered around the side of the house where Uncle Ed had been previously. In his arms was a VERY unhappy tupperware!Kimblee.
"Did you expect him to still be out there?" Kimblee asked him.
"Well, this is kind of a crackfic, and it's usually easy for complicated things to happen... so yes. But it was worth a try anyway." Selim sighed. "I wonder what happened to him?"
"Happened to who?" Ed's voice came from behind Selim.
"Oh, aren't you supposed to be gone to make the plot more interesting?" Selim asked, seeing him and Aunt Envy standing together.
"Complicated plots are boring and I just escaped from the canon. Now ask me the question."
"I haven't even told you I'm going to ask you a question yet!"
"Oh yeah..." Ed thought for a moment. "So, tell me you have to ask me a question."
"I have to ask you a question." Selim complied with Ed.
"Really? What a surprise!" Ed said convincingly, being the good actor he was(not).
"Am I a homunculus?"
Envy shook her head. "Sorry, he needs to get back into character to answer that question. Just a sec."
Ed snapped forward like he had been slapped. He looked oddly at Envy, then opened his mouth as though about to... Selim wasn't sure, but it looked like he was about to start a fight with her or something.
"Why are you in a girls body?" Uncle Ed asked Auntie Envy.
She sighed. "This always happens when he gets back in character."
Gil: I GOT THE FIRST SAY! *goal achieved*
Kez: Is this chapter even done yet? Oh, cliffhangers? We stooped that low? Or is this just part of your evil plot to beat me- DAMN YOU, GIL! THIS HAPPENED ONCE, BUT NEVER AGAIN! !
Gil: We shall see... FLAME US! PLEASE! Or if you actually like this (if you do, you're as insane as us) be nice? Maybe? No? Oh well...
Kez: And maybe we should actually write something that isn't complete crack one of these days...
Gil: Yeah right.