AN: sorry been a while. Struggling with my relationship right now. Depression's a monstrous thing, whether you have it or trying to help someone who has it. People who think they can just shrug it off obviously haven't had it or never encountered it in intimate form before. Anyways not here to listen to my problems, hope you enjoy!
Walking through the hallways of the castle, Kakashi's senses were on overdrive, hands twitching to kill something, anything. The portraits hung on seemingly every available wall space moved. Not only did they move, they could move between portraits. And the mind blowing part was? They could talk. Oh yes, Kakashi could hear them whispering now, even as dozens of lifeless eyes peered at him through tapestries and canvases, all muttering and jabbering in the language he could now understand in clear detail.
"My, my, what a strange man."
"What do you suppose happened to his eye?"
"I say, he must have horribly deformed teeth for him to cover his mouth like that!"
"Don't be rude Candus, its probably just an outbreak of pimples the poor dear."
"The silver hair would suggest that he is far older than the students-"
And on and on and on the whispers went. Kakashi's paranoia was screaming red alerts in his head, telling him that he was being watched, that someone was aware of his presence and that he needed to get his ass out of his current location or he was screwed. Sometimes it sucked to be an elite ninja.
Memorizing the pathway through Hogwarts helped somewhat in distracting the shinobi from the constant red alert his finely honed senses was blaring at him, but it was truly a fruitless exercise as the stairwells themselves appeared capable of moving on their own. There must be a pattern to where, when and why the staircases moved, but from the quick glimpse he had gotten of the seeming sentient steps, there wasn't a reasonable explanation.
Portraits made for poor reference of location as the subjects within kept moving around, and though they had passed dozens of statues and suits of metal armor, most looked similar to one another and Kakashi wouldn't be surprised if the statues moved too. Hell it would be more understandable than the walking talking paintings. Perhaps they were a part of Hogwart's magical defense? Certainly the weapons they held were not ornamental in nature given the fine honed edge Kakashi's keen eyes could pick up, and more than one had what appeared to be faint blood stains on them. Maybe they sprang to life whenever the school was under threat.
At long last Dumbledore pulled up to a halt before a statue of a mean looking winged creature crouched over a wall with a horrendous scowl fixed on its humanoid face. Clearing his throat, Dumbledore inhaled through his nose happily.
"Butter toffee." The strange word that must have meant something caused the still statue to spring to life and step to its left, confirming Kakashi's suspicion that the statues of Hogwarts were indeed mobile. The wall that the stone gargoyle had crouched before slid back and to the left, revealing another hallway behind it that led to what appeared to be a lift.
Kakashi followed his elderly client into the lift area and watched the wall slide back into position covering the exit. The soft elevator music that began playing was catchy and Kakashi found himself humming along next to Dumbledore. With a soft ding, the elevator finally ground to a halt and the doors parted to reveal a most unusual room. Inside lining the walls were more than a dozen portraits of regally dressed witches and wizards, all of them asleep. A majestic oak desk stood at attention in the center of the cozy room, and the purple squishy chair behind it looked like it could comfortably hold an elephant without complaint.
Dozens of strange instruments dotted the desk and lined the floor, some puffing out different colored smokes, a full body mirror with what appeared to be animals feet holding it up showed shadowy images of people staring back out at Kakashi even though there was no one standing before the reflective surface, an intricate model of the heavenly bodies swung lazily about overhead while a massive golden bird gave Kakashi the evil eye from the perch it was currently shuffling around on. The fireplace was modest, and the veteran shinobi recognized the pot of green flour like substance to be floo powder (he immediately placed himself as far away from it as possible), and bookshelves lined the walls holding dozens of ancient and dusty looking tomes.
There was even a stand dedicated to fragile looking scrolls (one of them appeared to be glowing while it's neighbor whispered dreadful things the ear couldn't quiet comprehend), and on top of the scroll shelf appeared to be a crystal ball that looked alarmingly similar to the one the Saidaime had in his office during his reign. Perhaps Dumbledore used it to spy on the girls shower? Kakashi wouldn't put it past the man; he had all the signs of a dirty old man about him. Those robes were perfect for hiding porn in without anyone being suspicious, and given that everything from the toilet paper to the door handle was magical, it wouldn't surprise kakashi at all if those moon shaped glasses had x-ray vision built in. Probably why he was always so happy looking.
Dumbledore strode purposefully forward and around the desk and began rummaging through the many drawers all the while muttering to himself underneath his breath. The giant golden turkey buzzard gave a squawk at the elderly man's turned back, but Dumbledore continued to fumble through the drawers while Kakashi stood by patiently in front of the desk. The urge to pull out Ichi-Ichi Paradise was overwhelming, but the seasoned shinobi resisted, choosing instead to keep an eye on the exotic looking avian. Perhaps it was some sort of summons useful in battle? The thing certainly had a mean enough look about it, and the claws looked razor sharp. The giant bird gave another angry squawk, this one aimed at Kakashi before turning around and crapping all over the floor. The sludgy greenish tinged dropping splattered onto the carpet where it caught fire, sizzling and hissing viciously.
Dumbledore turned from the drawer to give his pet an annoyed look before vanishing the flaming mess with a jab of his wand. The mess of hissing goop vanished leaving behind a sizable portion of the carpet in tattered ruins. Another jab and a muttered gibberish repaired the floor to its former pristine condition.
"Fawkes, how many times have I told you to do your business outside?" the older man was staring sternly at the turned back of the now named bird. The thing cawed at him angrily before bursting into flames and vanishing.
Rolling his eyes back, the wizard returned back to rummaging through his drawer. Kakashi gave a polite cough to try to get his clients attention, but was steadfastly ignored for the next minute as the man continued looking for his candies.
"AH HA!" his cry of triumph was followed by a curse that seemed out of place for the older man, but was noticeably understandable when with a bang a monstrous teddy bear burst out from within the drawer. If Kakashi hadn't seen it with his own eyes he wouldn't have believed it. Certainly there were many strange techniques in the shinobi world (seriously, earth country had a technique where the mud literally comes out of our asshole and drowns your opponent in it), many of which he had witnessed and copied for his own use(he'd never tried the aforementioned earth technique out of respect for it being a family clan technique but mainly because it was just weird), but even with that knowledge and the fact that a monstrous sized demon fox could be sealed into a baby (And seeing half a ton of fecal matter come out of someone's backside, poor Asawa had died an undignified death), it was still quite hard to wrap his head around seeing a seven foot stuffed animal pull itself out of the small space of the desk drawer.
Dumbledore had leapt back with a shout, his wand brandished towards the monstrosity that had burst from his desk, but Kakashi was faster. Years of honed reflex coupled with experimentation during the war allowed a chidori to spring to his right hand without any hand signs. Dashing forward at blinding speed, he pierced the stuffed animal through the back where the heart should be out of reflex and lack of better target, but his hands closed around nothing but a strange immaterial mist that left his skin feeling slimy and wet.
The monstrous teddy bear turned to face him, its neck doing a 180 degree twist straight out of a horror movie except it made an adorable squeaking sound similar to the dog toys he kept on his person for his summons. Where button eyes should have been were bloody holes that wept a dark fluid that Kakashi was intimately familiar with. Its mouth was stretched out in horrendous grin, too many teeth to be counted dotting the inside of the maw. As its mouth opened wider, a second set of teeth could be seen even deeper down within its throat, and the monster teddy bear gave a savage roar.
Yanking his hand out of the things back, Kakashi back peddled as the creature exploded into an intangible mist. The white fog like substance condensed together in a flash and warped into Sasuke much to Kakashi's surprise. His student had a sinister smile on his face (rape face if he had to describe it), a smile that sent chills down Kakashi's spine. The doppelganger reached forward with his left hand and tore the skin away from his face with a sickening squelch, revealing behind the fleshy mask Orochimaru's twisted homicidal (sometimes doubling as rape face) grin.
Before Kakashi could react, Dumbledore had stepped closer and cried out a spell with a furious twist and flick of his wand. The faux Sasuke Orochimaru hybrid was instantly transformed into a pink ballet outfit wearing parody about 200 pounds heavier and a foot and half shorter than the actual Uchiha.
Kakashi had to fight back a hysterical giggle at the odd site of his deformed student. With another shout and a jab of his wand, a bright light flared up around the creature eliciting an unearthly howl that shook the shinobi to his core before it burst into mist form once more and diving back into the drawer. With a flick of his wrist, Dumbledore shut the drawer with a sharp crack, leaving both men sweating and panting like they had just finished a marathon together.
Reaching into his pocket, Dumbledore pulled out a handkerchief to wipe the sheen of sweat on his brow before offering the cloth to Kakashi. The shinobi waved off the offered rag and nodded towards the drawer where the shapeshifter had retreated back into. "What in the nine hells was that?"
Pulling off his glasses and using his rag to wipe at them, Dumbledore answered with a frown. "A boggart. It's a magical creature that likes to inhabit dark cramped spaces." He gave a pointed look at his drawer. "When disturbed they turn into a person's worst fears as you can tell."
Staring at his client in disbelief, once more Kakashi questioned the man's sanity. "You're afraid of a giant undead teddy bear that squeaks when it moves?"
A rosy blush colored the older man's face as he placed his glasses back on the bridge of his nose. "My brother had transfigured and animated that thing as a joke when I was very young. It left a deep impression on me that till this day still frightens me whenever I run into a boggart."
Sanity was often missing from the ranks of shinobi, especially amongst the elite veteran shinobi so Kakashi brushed aside his client's strange fear with a casual internal shrug. At least his fear wasn't embarrassing like a zombie radish or something. "How do you kill it?"
"You can't. The only repellant known is the Riddikulous charm which requires the caster to focus on a funny image in regards to their fear forcing the boggart to take that form. They also dislike bright light and will often flee back into their cramped dark space when exposed to light."
Filing away the information in his head and making a note to learn this Riddikulous spell as soon as possible (wouldn't want to know what the boggart did to a person when it got its hands on them. Seeing as his was Orochimaru taking over his students body there was a high chance butt rape was involved somewhere, something Kakashi had no interest in finding out magical mist monster or otherwise).
Replacing the handkerchief back into his robes, Dumbledore righted the majestic purple squishy armchair he had overturned in his haste to get away from the teddy bear boggart. A sharp rap on the doorway alerted both men to the arrival of someone else who was trying to gain admittance through the door.
"Come in Minerva." The woman who entered was well past her prime to put it politely, old wrinkly ass fart to put in Naruto's words if he were here. She had on fine dark robes with green trimming along the edges and a crooked pointy black hat with a peacock feather adornment perched easily on her silver head. Her mouth was contorted into a slight frown and a stern gaze swept through the room as she entered, an eyebrow jutting up slightly at the disheveled appearance of both men.
Kakashi immediately knew he was going to have lots of fun getting under her skin.
AN: still not much, but had some fun writing the teddy bear scene. No I have not seen Ted. Till next time! Kakashi finally gets his assignment and some random bits of inserted insanity.