I don't own any character belonging to Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess. All of them are copyright by Nintendo, which is currently being taken over by Ganondorf out of revenge for not having appeared in Skyward Sword and having had that ripoff as Malladus as the main antagonist of Spirit Tracks. Currently, our hero Link is fighting off the King of Evil to make sure that soon our favorite industry of video game will be freed and that Majora's Mask 3DS will come out. In the meanwhile, Tingle is still lurking around, preparing to strike.
I thank the members of the Forum 'Legend of Zelda RPing' for having inspired me for this small parody
I retain to precise this fanfiction, set before the beginning of Twilight Princess, is not a shameless attempt of propaganda from the glorious Zant to take the place of Twilight King
((VOTE ZANT FOR TWILIGHT KING: HE DOES NOT USE PUBLICITY))
==== VOTE ZANT FOR TWILIGHT KING===
A sigh filled the air. Sometimes people are forced to do things simply they don't want to, but that's their duty, therefore, no matter how much they try to struggle against, in the end they have to concede
This is what a young figure thought as he was being escorted towards the palace of one of the candidate of the election to come the Sovreigner of the Twilight Realm. He had hoped he would have gotten to interview the favorite, Midna: she was a bit abrasive, but seemed one who was close to Earth and was simply acting based on what she had to deal. Not to say, Mdna is pretty hot. Every Twili turned when she showed off that giraffe long neck and that giant forehead... not to say, those marks she had on her left shoulders... but this is getting too inappropriate for our Twili audience, so let's move along.
The problem is that our unfortunate interviewer had ended up to have to stay with Zant. That candidate had always been a ... special Twili, let's say. A great magician, a formidable swordsman, golden medal of Limbo and Dance, but netherless... somewhat quirky. For example, people were still wondering why he had tried to manipulate the Sols of the area he lived to make the weather looked always cloudy and rainy, with occasional thunderbolts. Some people said it was to make a comfortable home for his pet, Argorok, others stated because he wanted to make his Dababa plantation grow strong and healthy, and more other to make everything look badass. Midna thought of this because he was a creep. Still, Zant himself had never answered such question, and never would have, but what mattered is that the unfortunate Twili was somewhat scared of this, even more that Zant's bodyguards were escorting him, silent and impervious. As they brought him to the place, he still shivered, the place was littered with what seemed to be carvings ,or worse, shaped like the noble's face. What was the reason of such? Was Zant that megalomaniacal, or was there another reason.
The interviewer's felt his heart thumping... only to realize, after a bit, as he neared toward the candidate's room and realized the sound he was hearing was a bang, as if an hard object was hitting a wall.
"DIE WALL DIE", Zant's deep voice, so high it was distorted, boomed as he seemed to stubbornly attempt to headbutt the wall till there was one more effigies of his face.
((VOTE ZANT FOR TWILIGHT KING: HE WILL PROTECT YOU FROM WALLS))
He then turned as he felt the presence of the other Twili. The interviewer was amazed how Zant towered, with his 6'6'', managed to tower with ease over him, and his body seemed even bigger with those long flowing clothes, with the signature of two dark legends which had passed over time, the great Kings of Evil known as Demise and Ganondorf (D&G for short).
"Oh that's you", the imposing individual said snapping back to normal as if nothing had happened to the young Twili, quickly figuring out who he was and what he wanted from him want. Quickly dusting off his clothes and wiping the small stain of blood on his head. The interviewer said nothing, a bit surprised by the candidate's attitude as he sit down on an imposing throne with a Twilight Beast chained on it. Seeing the poor guest a bit upset, he tried to ease him with a friendly smile. He therefore narrowed his blank eyes until they were slits in the dark and tensed up his face muscles until he had spouted a grin as wide as his face showing off his sharp row of shark-like teeth. Somehow, it failed to help.
((VOTE ZANT FOR TWILIGHT KING: HE WILL SMILE AT YOU))
The young interviewer though successfully managed to keep himself up and sat down next to the evil looking throne as Zant had pulled off two chalices of wine and poured a dark red liquid on it.
"Very well, then… I suppose I shall celebrate such day with some fine wine - the noble stated, not noticing the interviewer's hands reaching out to get the closest glass to him…. Which was also, most likely, the reason Zant immediately drank on both chalices, leaving them empty in less than a second with a lighting speed. As his guest stood silent, Zant looked at him and with a satisfied verse, he continued – yes, no doubt, best fine wine in all Twilight Kingdom"
((VOTE ZANT FOR TWILIGHT KING: HE DOES KNOW FINE WINE))
At this the guest sighed and then simply spoke: "I am so glad you are taking such new so well, Mr. Zant. Indeed, I did hope to be able to have a well thought interview about your candidature and many other trivia about your persona, do you mind?"
Zant shook his head and so the interview started. Actually, he even quickly prepared himself and placed the Twilight Beast on his lap and lit with his magic a fire to make himself look like a family man. The interviewer mused how
((VOTE ZANT FOR TWILIGHT KING: HE IS ALWAYS PREPARED))
1) Lord Zant, why do you want to become Twilight King?
At this question, Zant looked at the window, observing the beautiful dark sky of the Twilight realm as he finally answered: "Why does wind blow? Why does water flow? Why does light never penetrates our realm?"
((VOTE ZANT FOR TWILIGHT KING: HE ANSWERS YOUR STUPID QUESTIONS WITH MORE STUPID QUESTIONS))
At this the interviewer looked in marvel at this answer: Zant was quirky, but such depth… he had not expected it, he actually jotted down the answer in amusement, happy he was dealing with a reasonable individual and prepared the second question
2) Let us suppose you did not want to become Twilight King. What would the Zant we know and respect be?
Before answering, the noble thought for a while, bizarre imaginary conjuring in his creative mind.
"Once I did have a job I was very good at, actually, and I would have remained there if I hadn't pushed my own ambitions beyond", he stated fondly remembering one of his routine days back then
'An house calm and quiet, were a family was having a calm dinner. All of sudden, their door exploded in a flare of dark red sparks consuming the wood, and from the inferno-ish background a dark, imposing silhouette looming over. The children run down behind their parents as the figure's blank eyes loomed over them, its flowing dress waving by the wind.
"Is that you lady Twilaris?", Zant's voice asked, his hand still lit in the dark flames he had used to bust through the door, his free hand drawing a sword from the impressively long sleeve. The poor Twili peasant, scared of the figure's presence, nodded, swallowing some saliva
"Very well, this letter is for you", the noble twili said stepping out, showing that atop his head rested a red hat over where there was written 'postman' and his hand conjured a letter which handed to the woman. The Twili looked in should and could not help but ask something about why that door was busted.
The tall individual quickly answered with his calm, deep and collected voice: "For the same reason I am soon going to blow up your wall on the right. For us postmen, speed and efficiency are the keys, and the best and quickest route is the straight line…. Therefore I simply blast what it's on my way"
Before the woman could try to counter this, Zant realized he was getting behind his schedule and promptly did what he had told her. As the hole was too small, he used his limbo skills to get below. The family was too shocked to react and by the time they returned to their senses, their dinner had become cold'
((VOTE ZANT FOR TWILIGHT KING: HE RESPECTS SCHEDULE. HE REALLY DOES))
"... So I think I would take everything which has an order – Zant answered – I respect schedules, I really do"
((VOTE ZANT FOR TWILIGHT KING: HE QUOTED US))
Enthusiast of the answers, the interviewer passed to the third question.
3) Why would you think you are the most suited for your country?
Zant quickly answered: "I will not say it's because I care more about this kingdom or its citizen than myself, or because I know the history of this Realm better than everyone… because it's not the truth. I am, however, a visionary leader, and I can guarantee you and your fairy companion that I will do my best to rule! I can see things nobody sees, so yes, I think it might be important as a change. I will be better than you and your fairy companion at least"
((VOTE ZANT FOR TWILIGHT KING: HE IS SINCERE))
At this the interviewer turned to check at him. Which fairy companion was Zant talking about? He never got anything similar? Had Zant noticed something he hadn't? Or was he…. Shaking his head, he decided not to ask further about this. Maybe Zant meant visionary in more ways than people thought.
((VOTE ZANT FOR TWILIGHT KING: HE SEES FAIRIES (AND OTHER THINGS)))
At this the noble remained completely composed waiting for the next questions and such desire was quickly fulfilled.
4) What kind of values would you hold as the most important?
"Good question – Zant said petting his Twilight Beast – First of all, I think that people working is important, therefore I will give every single one of them an important job. Also, I think I am rather tied about family values. I once had a family, but it did not work out as I hoped"
((VOTE ZANT FOR TWILIGHT KING: HE HAS A SAD BACKSTORY))
At this Zant had another flashback...
'It was actually nothing more but a propaganda video, with Zant having paid a woman and taken two child to make a video with him being a real family man.
A voice introduced him stating: Zant has always been a great family man
"Uhhh… this is my beloved wife, Vivian", he said presenting the beautiful woman next to him, which actually snapped at this and hissed at him
((VOTE FOR ZANT: HE LOVES YOU EVEN WHEN HE FORGETS YOUR NAME))
"On the script the name is 'Veran'", she retorted angrily
Zant hastily corrected himself: "Oh, yeah, Veran. And those are my dear child…. Whose name, frankly enough, I don't remember either"
One of the child spoke and gently offered to help Zant by saying: "Mr. Zant, my name is…"
"SILENCE, YOU FOOL!", the noble yelled at the children his hands glowing with dark red fireballs, scaring them.
((VOTE ZANT FOR TWILIGHT KING: HE CAN EDUCATE YOUR CHILDREN))
Unfortunately, Veran, not able to deal anymore with him, got upset more at this and called for her agent: "Enough, this is the last straw, I am out of this. Onox, dear, please, tell him I quit this insane production"
At this, anarmored giant quickly knocked the candidate out with a blow to the face with his flail.
((VOTE ZANT FOR TWLIGHT KING: HE CAN TAKE ONOX'S FLAIL TO THE FACE AND LIVE))
When he woke up, he had already been tied up to a pole in a cornfield, as he was mistaken by the people who had found him for a scarecrow.'
((VOTE ZANT FOR TWILIGHT KING: HE WILL SAVE YOUR CROPS))
5) There are a lot of rumors about you and the other candidate, Midna, of being in a relationship. What do you have to say about it?
The noble Twili blinked at this question and muttered Midna's name a few times before attempting to answer: "Uhhh…. No comment"
Once more, Zant had a memory from his past.
'Both he and Midna were in the same room, and not a common one either. It was the very throne room one of them would have commanded over once the elections would have ended. A lot of tension passed between them for what seemed to be an eternity. Then, Midna, in an attempt to show superiority, sat down on the throne. Yet she could have not prepared herself for what Zant had to say.
"I love you"
Midna raised a brow as she looked at Zant, raising a brow suspiciously as the Twili walked over to her and kept talking: "From the first moment I let my eyes on you…. I don't know how to explain this feeling. I felt good, no doubt, I think it was love at first sight, yet you barely answer to me when I look at you everytime… but I know in the end we will be together, in this room, for eternity"
((VOTE ZANT FOR TWILIGHT KING. I MEAN, AWWW, HE IS SO ROMANTIC))
Still more bugged by what her opponent was mumbling, Midna asked him: "Zant, It's very flattering ... are you talking to me or to the throne?"
Looking dreamily Zant sighed as he laid his eyes more intensely, his lips curling into a pleased smile.
"Of course I am talking to you – Zant said with his deep voice used in the most romantic tone possible – you beautiful mahogany-carved piece of furniture consisting of a seat, legs, back, and often arms, designed to accommodate one person, occupied by an exalted personage, such as a sovereigner, on state or ceremonial occasions, situated on a dais and having a canopy and ornate decoration"
((VOTE ZANT FOR TWILIGHT KING: HE KNOWS THE VOCABULARY DEFINITION OF THRONE))
As Zant had concluded the declaration of love and wrapped his long arms around it, rubbing the side of his head o it, Midna had already left, deciding to let the lovebird and the throne have some alone time. Although she did wonder wether Zant would have found a way to make out with it. Knowing him, though...'
Unlesss..., Zant thought rubbing his chin
"Would our union make me King if she were to be elected?", Zant asked as if he had a realization
((VOTE ZANT FOR TWILIGHT KING: HE KNOWS AN OPPORTUNITY WHEN HE SEES IT))
The Twili, not expecting this, he hesitantly mumbled: "Uhhh... most likely but..."
Before he could complete Zant had jumped up from the chair, rushed up to the window and yelled so loudly his voice had turned high-pitched: "MY MIDNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! MARRRY MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
((VOTE ZANT FOR TWILIGHT KING: HE SUPPORTS ZANTxMIDNA ))
The interviewer could swear to hear a feminine voice coming from out of the window yell back: "Shut up, you creep"
Somehow, Zant seemed not to be fazed, as he sat down on the chair with a calm smile on his lips. The guest decided to pull off another question.
6) So... Lord Xant (Zant) What? (It's written Zant, not Xant) It does not make any sense, I am speaking how do you know how am I thinking it? (I am a grammar Nazi) Uh... okay. Any way, so, Lord Zant (Good) Thank you, what do you think it will be one of the most pressing procedures of the program?
((VOTE ZANT FOR TWILIGHT KING: HE WILL HELP YOU AGAINST BAD GRAMMAR))
The candidate smiled and using his magic pulled out a scroll with glowing characters: "I hoped you would have asked for this. I had prepared a list for this. First of all, I will give everyone a job. Some people won't want it, but I will give them one anyway. Second, I will strengthen the force of the army, and I will pull off my best to guard the Twilight Mirrror over us. Lastly, I plan that, in case there is famine in our kingdom, we will eat the Light Dwellers"
((VOTE ZANT FOR TWILIGHT KING: HE IS A GOURMET CHEF WHEN IT COMES TO COOK HUMANS ))
At this the guest stopped and said: "Wait, what?"
"Lastly, I plan that, in case there is famine in our kingdom, we will create magic with food", Zant repeated with the same tone
((VOTE ZANT FOR TWILIGHT KING: HE IS A GOURMET CHEF WHEN IT COMES TO COOK -for- HUMANS ))
At this the interviewer laughed and said: "Ah okay, sorry, I misheard"
"It's okay", the noble answered calmly, although in his mind ...
...His thoughts were different: Note to self: the boy knows too much.
((VOTE ZANT FOR TWILIGHT KING: NO, REALLY, DO IT!))
7) What is your biggest accomplishment?
Zant quickly answere d this.
"It was when I tilted my neck up to 45 degrees on the right without hurting myself", Zant said, remembering all the times he had failed to do so
((VOTE ZANT FOR TWILIGHT KING: HE JUST KEEPS TRYING UNTIL HE SUCCEEDS))
'Zant was bending his neck when at 20 degrees...
"NOT AGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN", Zant yelled aloud massaging his paralyzing neck, hoping it would have never happened anywhere important'
The interviewer blinked, but netherless jotted it down.
8) Last question, Lord Zant: Midna said this about you:
You know why none will ever call Zant king? It's his eyes. All sees it a lust for power burning in his pupils... Does he think we'd forget our ancestors lost their king to such greed? - Midna
As you see, a quite harsh answer. How do you answer this?
Zant stood up at this and... started yelling in rage at this, stomping his feet, letting out high pitched whines waving his arms.
"NO NO NOT FAIR NOT FAIR! SHE HURTS MY FEELINGS, SHE IS A MEANIE POO WHO IS ALL JEALOUS BECAUSE I HAVE BETTER DRESSES AND WHO HAS NO IDEA WHAT A SWORD IS NOT EVEN WHEN IN FRONT OF IT", Zant cried, tears flooding his face as he got on his knees and banged his head and fists on the floor
((VOTE ZANT FOR TWILIGHT KING. HE NEEDS AN HUG :'( ))
The interviewer just tried to get away from the room a bit weirded out by how the candidate was acting, but the host used his magic to lock up every door and window.
"Please - Zant said returning normal as if he had never snapped, while patriotic music could be heard in the background for what would have been his last speech - Before leaving, do understand my point of view as well. Because, yes, if loving your home country is a crime, then I am guilty. If loving another country aside from your country is a crime, then I am guilty of this as well. If out of love of the latter country you take over with force your home country, turn its inhabitant into an army mindless monsters and spread misery and death across both realms, killing several innocent in the process of worse, is a crime, I might be guilty of this as well. And if blackmailing an interviewer with death or even worse treatment such as turning you into a Twilight Beast if he just dares to speak too much is a crime... Might the giant flaming head inside a dark yellow orb which one day I shall be proven it's God help me, because, soon, I will be guilty even of this"
At this the interviewer, surely not because he was afraid of Zant killing him or giving him worse treatments such as turning him into a Twilight Beast, stood up and with a patriotic gesture, just said: "Might the Goddesses bless your kingdom forever, Lord Zant"
((VOTE ZANT FOR TWILIGHT KING... OR ELSE!))
== THE END ==
"Zant is a very competent and stable individual who, even if he does not succeed at becoming king, would be a vizier with a greater influence than the ruler himself" - Chancellor Cole
"He reminds me of a cricket... I like him" - Aghita
"I can guarantee for him, he is alright" - Ganondorf
"Su pleh , esaelp![TRANSLATION: Zant is the best ruler in the world, people in the light realm should surrender to him and let him rule everyone]" - Twilight Beast number 7, translation given by Lord Zant himself
((VOTE ZANT FOR TWILIGHT KING: HE WILL LOVE YOUR REVIEWS))