AN: GO TO THE BOTTOM AFTER YOU FINISH THIS CHAPTER. ENJOY!
Five: In which everyone finds out about Hulk's crush on Iron Man. Clint finally pukes. Thor freaks out over Jaw Breakers. Loki licks his plushie. Steve gets help from an unexpected source. Chaos breaks out and super nanny Coulson saves the day cause he's the only sane one in their nut house. Duh.
Thirty minutes before Bruce hulks out:
"I want candy." Clint moaned.
"I don't think your stomach can take anymore, Clint." Steve had a steady arm around Clint's waist. They stood in the glaring February sun, staring stupidly at tony through the glass. The agent pouted, pulled out a rubber arrow and halfheartedly attached it to Steve's forehead. The captain sighed and looked around for any hint of aid.
Tony was not helping.
"What are these whip-like sweets? I like them." Thor held up a licorice wand and declared solemnly. Tony smiled serenely from the bench inside the candy shop.
"I'm sure you do, big guy. Here's candy, you've both got mouths, and I've got money. Go crazy." he stretched out his tired legs and muttered under his breath, "While daddy rests a bit."
Chew chew POP
Tony smirked. It seemed Loki had found out the wonderful properties of chewing gum. Thor wandered toward another isle.
"What are these hard red balls?" Thor's voice was muffled.
"I'm sure they don't sell red testicles in a candy shop." tony replied dryly, but he stood nevertheless, joints popping. Thor was staring quizzically at a shelf of Jaw Breakers of all sizes. In his hand was one the size of a baseball. Loki wandered over, still popping his gum.
"They're really hard candy balls. You have to suck and lick and um, it changes color with every layer. You can't bite through them because they are really hard." Tony explained.
It was apparently the wrong thing to say because Thor immediately popped a small one into his mouth and declared in a muffled voice that midgardian candies were no match for asgardian horse-god-like teeth. Ten seconds later, the demi-god spat the small yellow candy out with an indignant growl.
"The mighty Thor will NOT be bested by the likes of this small ball!" he bellowed and stomped on the candy. Tony slapped a hand over his face and Loki cackled so much that he inhaled his gum. But no matter how much Thor sulked and stomped, the midgardian candy remained whole.
"Next time we fight, I need only throw a handful of these at you, brother." Loki gave a sly grin and crossed his arms.
Thor scowled at this but his eyes suddenly brightened. Slapping a huge meaty palm against his head, the blonde god declared, "of course! Mjölnir will aid me in this quest to destroy these evil alien rocks disguised as midgardian sweets." he paused and winced. "My teeth hurt."
Loki's smile slid off his face and Tony tensed as Thor threw out his right hand all the while glaring at the row of Jaw Breakers. They were in enough shit with the public as it was and Fury had been hopping mad the last time Thor's hammer had accidentally embedded itself up Washington's nose last time they were battling on Mount Rushmore. The last thing they needed was for the hammer to burst out of Stark Tower with rainbows and glitter and fly through the city, punching holes in everything it touched.
"Big guy, you can't call your hammer here! These are not alien space rocks! Drop your arm and call it off!"
Thor shook his head stubbornly. Tony frantically turned to Loki for help. The younger god approached the elder and calmly kneed his brother in the crotch. Thor let out a choked whimper and went down hard. Tony let out a relieved breath as both of Thor's hands fly down to cup Little Thor, who was probably throbbing with silent agony. Loki pulled out another gum and obnoxiously popped it into his mouth as if he hadn't just neutered his bed partner.
"You owe me so much, Stark."
Tony paid for the ridiculously large amount of candy without complaint. Another hammer crisis averted, Fury was gonna be so fucking proud of him.
"Ugh, I don't feel so hot..." Clint moaned pathetically. "The slushie is coming back to haunt me..."
No one acknowledged his outburst. They stood in line for a rollercoaster in stiff silence. To tell the truth, Tony was exhausted, both physically and mentally. Physically, he wasn't complaining. After all, Tony was well aware of the risks of taking two gods out to play. But mentally? He was totally not going to think about the awkwardness between Steve and himself. Tony was a rollercoaster of angst and self depreciation when he wasn't high on alcohol. he prided in the fact that he was a happy drunk.
thor was still upset over the Jaw Breakers incident. Loki was glancing around innocently, one long finger twisting and turning in the Thor plushie's blonde hair. Tony had a feeling the peaceful silence was not going to last. Steve was acting all twitchy and squirrely, taking secret peeks at him under his lashes when he though tony wasn't watching. Tony pretended to ignore that. Clint moaned occasionally, but otherwise kept silent.
Ten minutes later, they stepped off the rollercoaster sopping wet. Steve was frozen to the spot, his face stuck in an expression of shock. Tony spat out a mouthful of water and hoisted limp Clint closer to him. Hawkeye was probably dead.
"Ok, why didn't any of you notice this was a water ride?" he held up a dripping finger and stopped Steve before he could speak. "No, don't answer that one. Why didn't anyone notice, while we were in line, that everyone else was either wearing swim gears or stripped down to their tighty whities? God, you know how much money this outfit costs?"
Clint shoved at Tony's chest weakly but the billionaire was too busy venting off steam by talking everyone's ears off.
"This is why I hate socializing with superheroes; you get into all sorts of stupid pre-"
"I think I'm gonna be sick." Clint covered his mouth.
"No you're not, Barton. You're absolutely fine. Like I was saying, I hate-"
Clint doubled over and emptied his stomach all over Tony's nice wet leather shoes. Tony let out a high-pitched girly shriek and Steve leaned over to gingerly pat Clint on the back. Loki hoisted his mysteriously dry plushie higher over his hip with a mildly disgusted look. Thor beamed and slapped one large wet hand over Clint's back. Some more puke dribbled off Clint's chin. Tony only twitched feebly. Thor let out a jolly laugh.
"Ah, tiny hawk. Tis the color of The Bifrost!"
"What the fuck?" Clint glanced up, wiping his mouth unsteadily and asked in a hoarse voice. Thor opened his mouth to explain.
"I don't think Heimdall would be too pleased that you compared his precious Bifrost to multicolored vomit and chunks of undigested hotdogs." Loki cut in in an obnoxious singsong voice.
Clint groaned. No, everyone groaned.
"Call Coulson...I think I'm going to faint." he grit out and Steve barely caught the cell phone Clint threw at him.
Tony's cell rang as soon as Steve pressed a number. Tony pulled out his cell, glanced at the number and gave Steve a pointed look.
"Steve, baby, that's my number you're calling."
Steve blushed crimson and nearly tossed the cell phone away in panic. Tony rolled his eyes as Steve scanned the contact list with a pinched expression.
"There's no Phil Coulson in your contact list."
"Oh god...you idiot. It's under K."
Steve scrolled to K with a puzzled frown. "Why?"
"K for Kinky Handler, duh."
Tony groaned. "Shut up Barton. I have your multicolored puke all over my shoes and I DON'T need to hear more about your gay relationship with Coulson."
Tony's cell rang again. He didn't even glance at it. "Cap, I told you to stop-"
"Umm, agent Coulson. Hi, Clint is down. Yeah, we are still here." Steve was speaking into the cell phone, a hint of pink still lingering in his cheeks.
Tony glanced down at his own cell phone. Natasha's underwear model photo flashed in the background. He answered the call.
Natasha's explanation was short and to the point. By the time she ended the call, tony was already jogging toward the petting zoo.
"Tony where are you going?" Steve called after him.
Tony didn't bother glancing back. "Bruce hulked out."
"How are you going to find him?" curse Steve and his incredibly long legs. Tony huffed and shuffled his soggy shoes faster. It wasn't helping that his socks kept slipping in vomit.
"Gee, I don't know. Maybe follow the screams and flying rabbits?" he replied sarcastically.
"I'll go with you." Steve said solemnly, completely oblivious to Tony's bitchiness. Tony hated Steve sometimes. He was so insensitive.
By the time they arrived at the destroyed petting zoo, Natasha had already retrieved Tony's suit from under the van's seat. Hulk was busy flinging fat fluffy balls of rabbit into the air. Steve rolled into a perfect dive and caught two flailing animals, cradled them against his chest for a moment to comfort the startled animals. He set them onto the ground and dove to save another two. Tony maybe puked a little in his mouth or came a little in his pants (he couldn't tell exactly, or maybe both?) at the sight of a sweaty Captain America prancing around and saving bunnies. But it was a futile attempt.
Every time Steve set a bunny on the ground, the hulk would grab another and fling it into the air again. It was like watching a particularly disturbing Chinese acrobat performance. Tony stepped into his suit's cold and welcoming embrace.
"You owe me big, Russian." he gave Natasha a pointed look as his visor went down. Tony took a deep breath and found some comfort in Jarvis's smooth British tones. He was not anywhere near drunk enough to do this shit. Taking another deep breath, he bellowed up at the hulk.
"Hey, big guy! Over here!" the hulk froze at the familiar voice. Tony gulped as it turned its great head and found him. He waved meekly and squashed the urge to bolt in the opposite direction.
"GOLDIE!" it boomed excitedly and tossed the goat it was holding behind one shoulder. Steve somersaulted past in a perfect arc and caught the flying animal. Tony was plucked off the ground in one huge fist and smashed into the Hulk's large green chest.
"Hulk protects his Goldie from bad animals." hulk mumbled, happily cradling tony to him and swaying from side to side. It was bumpier than the rollercoaster ride.
"Sir, shall we use the newly upgraded repulsors?" Jarvis prompted.
"No..." tony groaned. "Big guy, Goldie is gonna throw up in his helmet if you keep... shaking him like a bottle of coke..."
The hulk peered down at him in obvious concern. "Goldie feel bad? Hulk sad. Hulk avenges Goldie by killing fluffy squishy balls."
"NO! HULK, DONT KILL ANYMORE RABBITS, PLEASE!" tony panicked. "Lets play a game instead, just you and me?"
The hulk was about to nod when a dozen or so cars screeched into the chaos and men in identical black suits came out. Tony groaned. They started firing tranquilizers at the green beast. Hulk made an irritated growl and threw out his hand to block the darts.
Well, the hand that was still clutching ironman. Tony sailed over a picket fence and crashed into an ice-cream truck. There was an explosion of different colored flavors and tony was drenched in frozen dairy products. The old lady who owned the truck whacked him repeatedly on the helmet with a broom, screaming in what sounded like Hungarian.
"GOLDIE? HULK HAS BOO-BOO." before tony could move, the hulk appeared from the remains of the petting zoo and loped over, clutching at one arm. It dipped a finger into the messy ice cream explosion and licked experimentally, ignoring the screaming old lady who was running the other way.
"HULK LIKES SWEET. GOLDIE SWEET TOO?"
"No, I'm not swee..." tony shrieked as the hulk grabbed him and dipped tony into the mess.
Natasha approached cautiously. All was silent. Smoke rose from a small fire somewhere nearby. The beast was seated almost serenely with its back to her.
Natasha circled it. And then her eyebrow disappeared into her hair.
"Don't just stand there! Help me! Ahhhh-" ironman's voice was somewhat muffled. That was understandable as the hulk was sucking on it. The Russian assassin stood motionless as the Hulk pulled tony out of its mouth with a wet plop and dipped him back into the mess of melting cream.
"GOLDIE TASTES GOOD. HULK LOVES GOLDIE."
Tony's muffled frustrated scream made the world's scariest assassin double over in silent laughter, a feat which no one in history had ever accomplished.
14:35 pm. Coulson arrives.
14:36pm Coulson locates the source of commotion.
14:40pm Coulson administers drug to agent Barton and a kiss for comfort.
14:45pm Coulson finds the two naked Norse gods and extinguishes the small bush fire they've managed to create.
14:46pm Coulson tells Thor to put his pants back on. Loki licks his Thor plushie.
14:47pm Coulson confiscates the Thor plushie. Loki throws a fit.
14:50pm Coulson locates the Hulk.
14:57pm Coulson brings down the Hulk.
14:58pm Stark expresses his gratitude on bended knees.
15:10pm The Avengers are herded back to the van. Bruce is carried out in a stretcher. Agent Barton is carried out by Coulson.
15:15pm Coulson pretends to be from the Food Safety Organization and confiscates the five-foot-long wiener for Agent Barton.
15:20pm Almost all members present and in good health. Clint is foaming at the mouth a little. Bruce is still passed out cold.
15:21pm Coulson hands back the Thor plushie.
1. The Avengers are psychologically insane.
2. Never allow them to go out in a pack again. EVER.
3. Coulson is an awesome combination of efficiency and professionalism. Also, he rocks everyone's socks off.
Steve glanced back at the park one last time as he walked toward the van. Tony was grumbling about something next to him. Valentine's Day was truly a total disaster. Steve sighed.
"Wait! Captain America!" a voice called. Steve stopped in surprise. Not many people could tell the confident man behind the mask was meek 90-year-old virgin, Steve Rogers. He allowed tony to walk past him and waited curiously for the speaker, a familiar looking young lady, to come up to him.
"Hi, you may not remember me but-"
"You're the girl I saved in the coffee shop the first time Loki attacked." Steve said with a gentle smile.
She beamed up at him, breathless and smiling. "Yes, I am. And I saw you in the gift shop today and I think you should have this."
She passed him the box with the familiar red and gold wrapper. Steve gaped in astonishment. She winked at him. Steve blushed.
"How? Why?" he sputtered lamely. She smiled and stood on tiptoes to kiss his cheek.
"Call it a woman's intuition. Good luck captain. And word of advice, just pin him against a wall and he'll climb you like a tree. You guys have enough sexual tension between you two to power a nuclear plant."
And with that, she patted his cheek and took off.
Steve stared after her until she was no more than a blur of gold in the crowd. His heart felt warmer than it had ever felt since he had been thawed. Or maybe it was the force of his blush making him feel warm. Either way seemed likely.
"Hey, Barbie Ken, you coming or what?"
Steve chuckled to himself and called back an affirmative. Tony rolled his eyes and popped his head back inside. Clutching the present box, Steve stepped into the van.
SIX: In which Steve finally confesses. Thor's secret is found out. Pepper is on the warpath. Fury has an aneurism. Bruce is horrified. Clint gets a stomach lavage. Despite all this, Tony still feels like a swooning maiden.
This fic is about to come to an end. It has been tremendously fun and I love all the lovely people who took the time to review and I will be starting on a new piece. Unfortunately I have a lot of ideas and not a lot of time. So I can only choose one. But I like all if them. So which would you like to read more?
A: ANOTHER CRACK FIC! This one is centered on fairy tales. Each chapter will be a separate cracky fairytale. Multiple pairings. I have a chapter typed out already. RAPUNZEL THOR...O.o Such lovely shiny hair.
B: Some angst between Captain America and Ironman.
C: Thor/Loki Modern day fantasy AU. Incest. Loki is always sick and pale. Thor is always dumb and smiling. And they still sleep in the same bed even if they are in high school. Loki is a mermaid that Odin found on the beach.
D: AND YET ANOTHER CRACK FIC! Tony suggests playing Spin the Bottle. Instead of kissing the person, he suggests that they go on a date. Like every one of Tony's stupid suggestions, this one backfires on his face. Fury hates them all. Multiple pairings.
E: DRABBLE-LIKE FIC: Steve is the one everyone rolls their eyes at but secretly loves. Thor is the one everyone tries to goad into playing truth or dare. Clint is the one with the potty mouth and weird fetish. Natasha is the one with the Russian poker face and perky boobs. Tony is the sticky stuff that keeps them together. Coulson is the one they run to when they get boo-boos. Fury thinks they are born solely for the purpose of giving him an aneurism. FLUFF,.AND MULTI-PAIRINGS.
F: THOR SUPERNATURAL CROSSOVER: I'm going to erase the other fic I have written and start anew.