A kiss with a fist.
Dr Wang was so wrong! And I was determined to prove him wrong. I'm going to go and find Lee. I was meant to wait for Smellerbee. She was going to pick me up after my session. But because I had stormed out early – she wasn't here yet. Felt a little bad about leaving her in the lurch – but I had some really important business to settle.
I had to show everyone that I was not attracted to Lee in the slightest. See everybody thinks I have a crush on Lee. Everybody! Including Longshot, Smellerbee, random guardsmen, shameless hussy and great arse. Including Lee himself. And I really don't. There is no way I could possibly like him like that and I was so sick of everybody telling me that I did. I was following him everywhere only to catch him out firebending. Not for any other reason.
He's a firebender.
He has to be a firebender.
Because I have not slept with as many hot chicks as I have (and I have slept with heaps of hot chicks. Tonnes of hot chicks) just to turn around and suddenly decide that I want to shag a grumpy boy with terrible hair and then develop a massive crush on that boy and follow that boy around everywhere.
I am not like that!
There is no way I could possibly be like that. Besides, even if I was like that – I could get any boy I wanted. I'm friggin awesome. Everybody fancies me! I'm a sexy person. Hardly anyone can resist me. So if I did want Lee like that – I would have had Lee like that, way before now! Lee would be lucky to have a great guy like me! I would make an excellent boyfriend.
But that is irrelevant – because Dr Wang is wrong and I do not think of Lee in that way at all.
Even if I have the occasional thought about how graceful Lee moves – it is in no way a sexual thought. It is a predatory thought. Like how the tigerdillo might consider how gracefully the rabbiroo jumps. The tigerdillo doesn't want to fuck the rabbiroo – it just wants to eat him all up! This is actually a perfect explanation/illustration on exactly why I stalk Lee. I will use this in the next argument that Smellerbee and I have about the stalking. I will tell her that knowing more about how the rabbiroo jumps will help the tigerdillo catch the rabbiroo and eat him.
And not eat him in the sexy way.
Eat him in the finally "ah –ha! I finally caught him and now I'm getting some satisfaction" way!
Seeing Lee dragged away to be punished for being an annoying, dirty, agile, wily, evil, life-ruining firebender would make me very satisfied.
All I want is some satisfaction!
Is that too much to ask!
Lee not at teashop. Lee's fuckwit boss told me that he was at the market – there had been a sausage emergency and he had been sent out to get some.
I went to market place.
Found Lee and he was with Shameless Hussy. Hussy was helping him pick out a sausage. Why didn't she just cut to the chase and say hey Lee, I'd like to fondle your sausage, okay. Anyway Lee was oblivious to Shameless Hussy's designs on his sausage. He seemed to genuinely think that they had run into each other by accident and Shameless hussy was only trying to help him with his errand.
This incensed me for several reasons. 1) Lee is meant to be getting sausage, not chatting with Shameless Hussy! He was slacking off and I think his boss would have thoroughly disapproved of this! He was not giving his sausage-mission the attention it deserved and was paying way too much attention to Shameless Hussy! 2) Shameless Hussy is a shameless liar. She is a liar, liar- pants on fire! She came right up to Lee and said "fancy meeting you here" – like it was an accidental meeting. When I am sure she had been lying in wait trying to fabricate a meeting. She was on her lunch break – so she would have had time to go to the teashop and steal all their sausages so that Lee had to come out to the market – all in order to "accidentally" bump into him here. She is so fucking sneaky! 3) Shameless Hussy is a shameless hussy and Lee could do so much better and he shouldn't look so fucking pleased to see the wench. 4) She greeted him by mussing his hair – she touched the hair AGAIN! will that Shameless Hussy ever learn?
I stomped right up to Lee because I was determined to have this confrontation with him now – Hussy or no Hussy. She'd just have to fuck right off because Lee and I had an issue that we needed to discuss. I could pinpoint the moment Lee saw me in his peripheral vision because he rolled his eyes and whined oh here we go in an exasperated tone of voice. Shameless Hussy also turned and saw me. Then she made a little frowny face at me – that I am sure she thought was scary. But it really wasn't.
I tried to push between them and told her to fuck off and I needed to speak to Lee. Lee got stroppy and told me not to talk to his oh-so-precious-Hussy that way. Shameless Hussy did not fuck off. She didn't seem bothered by me telling her to fuck off. Instead she said excuse me Jet, in a polite voice and tried to push past me. And I don't even know why I did this, but some automatic manners-reflex kicked in. because she said excuse me politely, I responded politely and I stepped back. They she really pushed past me and did the sluttiest thing I have ever seen.
She totally snogged Lee right in front of me – and the whole market – like the big wanton Hussy I always knew her to be! She just stood on her tippy-toes and grabbed his face and went for it!
Just balls-out snogged him.
He seemed surprised as all fuck that she had done this. But he kissed her back because he is also a big slutty slut who will kiss anyone back – even Shameless Hussy.
Hussy was getting into it! She slipped him old slurpy pretty quick and then it was all open-mouth/tongue-kissing and her hands were all in his hair. He wasn't pushing her away- he mostly just seemed really fucking surprised for the first bit – but then he seemed to get into it too. He seemed to really enjoy it when Hussy pushed him up against the wall (probably because it reminded him of all their dirty alley shags against a wall – I always knew they were both alley shag kind of people.)
At first I tried to interrupt and said various exclamations on excuse me! I am right here! And Lee, I have a bone to pick with you! But they both ignored me. Well Lee ignored me. Hussy took the time to take one hand off Lee's head (honestly- what was she doing to his hair!) and flip me the bird!
Which was JUST RUDE!
But then I realized that I was being a bit creepy – because I was still watching them. And there is only so long you can watch two people make out, before it becomes weird and creepy and wrong. Even I have my standards. I stalk Lee, but not at all in a creepy way. I stalk in a trying to bring a firebender to justice way – and that's not creepy at all.
And it made me so mad to watch something good happen to Lee. I was really fucking furious. I didn't want to watch them kiss a second longer. I can confront Lee later when he doesn't have a hussy shaped growth attached to his face! I said with as much venom as I could I'll leave you two sluts to it! And stomped off!
I didn't stomp off far – just far enough into fooling them that I was stomping away. I stomped around the corner near where they had been standing and waited. They broke apart a few moments after my stomp off. I know this because there was the wet smushy sound of an intense kiss ending.
Lee spoke first and said oh my goodness - like he was a 90-year-old-woman that had just been surprised in her bathtub. Hussy said, in a really annoying cheerful voice, consider yourself saved to Lee. This was closely followed by saved? what? from Lee, in his regular confused yet grumpy voice.
Shameless Hussy said that the other day he had said that all he wanted was someone to save him from my stalking. Someone to just magically make me shut up and go away – because nothing Lee did worked. Shameless Hussy pointed out that I had now shut up and left them alone and fucked off somewhere. Because no one could watch to people make out for an extended period of time without feeling like a creepy weirdo.
There was a pause and then Lee asked, in a genuinely baffled sounding voice, if that was the only reason Hussy had kissed him – just to get rid of me. Hussy said no, but she was willing to provide her assistance in getting rid of me in the future, should Lee need it.
Now, I hate Shameless Hussy, it is true- but she had style here. She was putting it all out there. But I knew she was going to get shot down, simply because no amount of style matters when dealing with the obtuse lump of social ineptitude that is Lee.
Lee fucked this up so badly.
She's never going to sleep with him now.
Can I just say that Lee is destined to disappoint many women with his absolute inability to read social cues. It was clear to me that Hussy wanted to do him right then. She wanted him to take her in a manly fashion. Rather than take her up on her offer – he made everything as awkward as fuck. I hope Hussy learns her lesson from this and never kisses him again!
Honestly, he could be gay.
I hope he is – just because he has absolutely no fucking idea about girls. I hope he's gay – just for the sanity of floozies everywhere. Lee is the sort of boy that just attracts floozies! If someone doesn't intervene, he will lead a trail of bamboozled and confused and sexually frustrated floozies in his wake. Wherever he goes, floozies will come on to him. Then he will misunderstand and bollocks it up and then make the floozy run away from the veritable hot-mess of awkwardness that Lee makes these situations into.
That was what Hussy opted to do at least. After she made her play for Lee – there was small silence. Then Hussy choose to make it worse and said okay, I feel awkward and embarrassed now, so I'm going to go. I'll see you later Lee. And she ran off. She ran right past me and didn't even notice me – her face was bright red –like she'd rubbed beetroot juice all over it.
The captain of Lee's brainship seemed to return to his post a moment too late (or perhaps the captain of Lee's brainship is permanently drunk on the job – that would actually explain a lot about Lee). Anyway Hussy ran down the alley, all fluttery and embarrassed. And a moment later Lee said Hussy wait! Well he used her real name, but I refuse to acknowledge it.
He came down the alley after Hussy and I struck. I took him by surprise and tackled him to the ground. Sausages went everywhere because Lee dropped them in alarm. Ha! Take that Lee. Lee was severely unimpressed by this turn of events and was struggling like crazy against my overpowering awesomeness and trying to escape. I was trying to get him in a headlock and he was reciprocating and it was messy. This was not elegant fighting. This was just plain old fisticuffs.
And then things started to get immature.
Not that Lee was acting mature to begin with – but now he was just being a petty child. He was accidentally smushing my hair when he was trying to get me in a headlock. I voiced opposition to this unnecessary dishevelment of my hair. I told him that if he knew how long it took to get my hair like that and how ANGRY it made me when people touched my hair – he'd leave the hair the fuck alone. This seemed to encourage the prick. He started pulling my hair with gusto – like he was a nine-year-old girl with pigtails. I returned the favour. We were actually in a hair pulling stalemate.
This would not do.
I saw the fallen sausages out of the corner of my eye. So I let Lee go – and quick as a flash I grabbed one of the big sausages and slapped him over the head with it. I had just meant to gain the element of surprise (because everyone is surprised to be slapped with sausages). But the sausage burst on impact with Lee's thick skull – and he got a bit of sausage juice/meat in his eye.
It must have stung like a motherfucker. Lee swore a blue streak. Lee's bit-of-sausage-in-the-eye drama gave me the advantage I needed and I pressed it. I wrestled him to the ground and managed straddle him and pin his arms by his side. I totally won this round. I had caught him fair and square. There was a lot of what the fuck? and fuck you Jet! coming from Lee. Also the occasional I can't believe you hit me with a sausage! He kept struggling and trying to toss me off him. He shouted indignantly what do you even want from me- you insane motherfucker!
Then I felt a little awkward, because I knew I had wanted him for a purpose (other than habit). I mean attacked him for a purpose! I hadn't attacked him because I wanted him. I had attacked him to reinforce the point that I did not want him at. All. But now that I had won, I didn't know how to phrase that.
I wanted to tell him that Dr Wang was wrong and I was stalking him because he was a firebender, not because he was sexy. Furthermore, I did not think he was sexy at all. I didn't fancy him in the slightest. But perhaps my wrestling him to the ground and getting all up close and personal and touchy feely with him might have been counterproductive in proving this particular point. I decided to try and prove it anyway. I told Lee that I had something to say – and he had to stop fucking struggling and listen. Lee told me to go fuck myself, but stilled.
I started by saying that my therapist had said something and I needed to address it with Lee. Lee rolled his eyes and put on a long-suffering superior voice and asked what is it? I was miffed that he was acting so superior –when I was currently sitting on him. No one should sound so posh and superior when they have just been beaten with a sausage.
I got distracted by his condescending superiority. I wanted to take him down a peg or two – so I said I can't believe how much you fucked up back there with the slutty hussy, you moron. You could be having sex right now. Lee looked confused and asked if I had been there the whole time. I said I had and I had heard everything. Lee raised his one good eyebrow and said okay three things 1) you really are a creepy pervert – you know that right? 2) "hussy" (he used her name – but I still refuse to acknowledge it) is not a slut and I'm going to mess your face if you call her that again. 3) I couldn't be having sex– because you are sitting on me right now. He was acting superior again – so I repeated everything he said in this faux posh voice and took the piss out of him. He got stroppy and said I don't sound like that! I repeated I don't sound like that in the posh voice.
Lee got fed up and muttered That's it – I'm telling Smellerbee we need to get our money back– therapy has made you crazier.He started to struggle again in earnest and nearly managed to roll me off – so I got my point out quickly. I pushed him back down on the ground and said Just so we are clear – I think you are the ugliest motherfucker this side of the firenation and I don't fancy you at all.
Lee rolled his eyes and then rolled himself! He did this really crazy flip thing. I don't even know what the fuck happened. Lee was like an irate, tea-serving ninja. Everything is a bit of a blur – somehow I ended face down in the alley and Lee was on top of me with his knee pressing into my back. And he had twisted my left arm behind me in a way that way distinctly uncomfortable. He was leaning on me enough to stop me from moving – but not enough to hurt me.
He sounded well and truly fed-up and said What the fuck! Is that what you wanted to tell me incredulously. I said I just thought he needed to come to terms with the fact that he was an ugly berk and no one was ever going to shag him. I, for one, would never shag someone with half their face all burned and scarred and nasty.
Low blow – I know.
Lee leaned on me harder and said that he would Never Shag Me either and the fact that I thought he was ugly did not bother him because so did every. single. person on the friggin planet. I didn't need to attack Lee in an alley to remind him of it. Also I was a fucking dickhead.
The usual insult trade ensued. But Lee said abruptly look I don't have time for your shit right now Jet – I have to get back to work. Can you promise to play nice and go the fuck away if I let you up? He said it in such a patronizing tone of voice. I agreed. As soon as he let me up I shoved him again. Lee shoved me back. We had a small shoving match. He gave me a massive shove and told me to quit it. Then he stopped pushing back for some reason and took a deep breath. He said that he had to get back to help his Uncle – so he was going to leave. Then with what appeared to be a great deal of self control he clenched his fists and started to walk away.
Something in the worried way he mentioned his Uncle niggled at me. There was an unusual cadence to the way he said that. There was something weird way he was trying to be a good boy and not fight me – even though I knew he wanted to. I pointed out that he was a pansy ass for walking away from a fight. He sighed in exasperation and told me to use my fucking head. The Dai Li were everywhere now – and even though I seemed hell-bent on attracting their attention – Lee did not want any trouble. He turned to go again.
I realized something quite quickly – in one big jumbled mess of realization.
Fat Uncle didn't get cold, wandering about his apartment naked, in the icy air of early spring. It hadn't occurred to me then because the nudity was disgusting – and drove all other thoughts from my mind. Smellerbee saying to Longshot honestly they are both doing okay for money -their shop is so busy now. Longshot giving her a look that said they must go through firewood like crazy to heat all the hot water for the tea and firewood is expensive – I wouldn't count on them helping us out forever. I knew there wasn't a great supply of firewood at the back – but there was the Fat Old Uncle who didn't seem to feel the cold at all - in the kitchen that produced far more hot tea then it should be able to. Nobody said anything because the tea was so good – but it wouldn't take much to make them see the irregularity. Lee saying the Dai Li are everywhere now. Lee's extreme reluctance to attract their attention. Because they wouldn't need to be paying that much attention to see that something was not right about that Uncle of his.
Dr Wang saying your only proof is the old man with the tea.
I couldn't be sure if what I thought was correct – but I knew I'd be able to tell for sure from Lee's next reaction. If he laughed it off – I was wrong. If he didn't….well then. I said in a voice as low and menacing as I could muster It's your Uncle, isn't it? He's the firebender. You're worried about leaving him alone with the Dai Li everywhere.
Lee's reaction was enormous, instantaneous and violent. He was fierce! He turned and tackled me and grabbed me in a headlock and kneed me right in the gut – so I was winded really badly. But I didn't even feel it. I felt a righteous rush of vindication. I was fucking right! He would have never reacted like this if I were wrong.
He always acts like my accusation that he is a firebender are one big joke. He never took me seriously when I was stalking him and accusing him of being a firebender – perhaps because he was never a firebender to begin with. I haven't seen him do anything that could be remotely construed as firebending. His Uncle on the other hand…
I think he must have been holding back a little in all our previous fights – but he wasn't holding anything back now. In no time flat - he had me pressed against the wall, and had one hand around my throat and one hand pulled back to punch me in the face. But I didn't even care – because I was fucking right!
He said lets get one thing fucking clear right now – my Uncle is not a firebender and you are to stay the fuck away from him!
I burst out laughing because he had as good as admitted it – even though he didn't know it yet. This was the most hilarious thing ever. This whole time it had been the Uncle all along. Smellerbee thought I was a crazy mofo – but I wasn't and now I could prove it to her. I had been right all along! One of them, at least, was a firebender! She was going to have to eat some massive humble pie!
Lee asked me what was so fucking funny. I told him that I hadn't been sure about his Uncle – but now his reaction had just confirmed for me that I was right! He would have never reacted like this if his Uncle had been innocent. But now I knew for sure there was something up about his Uncle.
Lee's eyes widened in shock and I could see the moment where he realized how much he fucked up. And it was glorious! Seeing Lee nervous because of me – rather than smug and frustrated and condescending – it made my fucking day.
He resorted to threats. He looked deadly serious if you come near him – you'll be making an enemy out of me. Believe me, you don't want me as your enemy. I said he already was my enemy – protecting a firebender! besides, Lee wouldn't really do anything to me. I was calling his bluff. I wasn't sure if he really would – and I don't think Lee was either. He still had his hand around my throat and one fist near my face. I braced myself for impact incase he decided to crunch into me – but he didn't.
Instead he started to squeeze down on my throat. Not hard. Not to try and strangle me – but just to let me know that he could. He put his face right close to mine and said in a low, angry voice you fucking psycho. Believe me when I say that if you take one step towards my Uncle – if anything bad happens to him, I will not rest until I've killed you.
At that point I tried to kiss him.
This was a mistake!
In my defense, I was not trying to kiss him in that way or anything. But just out of curiosity. Just to see what it would be like. And also because his face was right there! I thought that there was no good reason for him to stick his face so close to mine. You don't need to stick your face that close to someone's to threaten them. There is no good reason for Lee's face to be that close to mine – unless we are going to make out. Seriously now.
Does Lee threaten everyone like this? Surely he would be able to see how sticking his face so close to someone else's and talking in a low and intimate (if somewhat angry) voice, could lead to misunderstandings.
A large misunderstanding has now occurred and I blame Lee's face!
And his voice!
I (a normal person) only stick my face that close to someone else's if I want to snog them rotten. I will confess that I thought that Lee was angling for some sort of kinky snogging session – because to me (the normal person) that was the only reasonable explanation for him to be all up in my business like that.
I thought that all this violence and fighting was actually some sort of messed up foreplay for Lee. Maybe he got off on it! I will admit that when I thought that Lee wanted to kiss me – I had about a half second to entertain the idea.
I was not entirely opposed to it.
When he was getting all up in my business and whispering at me in this low and menacing raspy voice, I will confess that I could see how someone would find that sexy as all fuck. Not me, obviously. Because I am not that way inclined.
Look - it is not gay if I think that he wants to kiss me and I decide to indulge him!
It is just curiosity and nothing more!
Anyway his face was right there and so I tried leaning forward and grabbing his head. Well I grabbed his stupid hair, which is the same thing.
Lee's eyes widened in surprise, the second he realized what I was up to. He made a noise like GAH!and dropped me like I was a hot potato. He instantly tried to wrench free of my grasp – but I still had his hair. I smushed my face against his for the tiniest fraction of a second – before he kneed me in the balls (which is just fighting dirty!) and backed up all the way to the other side of the alley.
He was looking at me like he was the one being violated– when he had just kneed me in the balls – and said Dude – what the fuck! What the actual fuck! Did you just try and kiss me! with a great deal of indignation and accusation. I was crumpled up in pain (from being kneed in the balls) and couldn't speak for a moment it hurt so bad. I rolled about in pain and swore a whole bunch – until the stabbing pain subsidied (the long lingering blunt pain was still there – but the stabbing pain abated).
I pointed out that Lee was the one who tried to kiss me first. Lee looked at me, aghast. He said that he hadn't been trying to kiss me – he had been threatening to kill me and if I thought that death threats were an invitation for kissing – I had problems. I said he should stop playing coy – he knew he wanted me! I said come on, you know you want me! Lee backed up another few paces and said I really fucking don't!
He was more nervous about me trying to kiss him than about me trying to kill him -because he is an idiot. He should be so lucky to get a kiss from me – I am a great kisser! Instead he had ruined my experiment and made me feel a little embarrassed. I felt embarrassed for a fraction of a second – because I had misread the situation so badly.
But this whole thing was Lee's fault!
Look there is no good reason to stick your face that close to someone else's – unless you want them to snog you!
I'm not the one with the problem here Lee!
The way he was looking at me really pissed me off. He was rejecting me again. And this was so much worse and more embarrassing than the time that Smellerbee had written out that little speech for himIt was then that I realized another consequence of the misunderstanding with Lee's face.
Smellerbee would find out.
Lee and Smellerbee and their little chats. Smellerbee would also feel disgusting smug and vindicated and I would never hear the end of it. Smellerbee will hold this over me for so long that I may never see the sun again!
I gave Lee a giant shove and told him that of he told anyone about this little misunderstanding I would kill him for real! He shoved me back and told me to stay the fuck away from him. I shoved him and told him to keep his mouth shut or I would shut it for him. then I decided that there was nothing for it. I was going to have to kill him anyway. He couldn't be trusted not to spill the beans to Smellerbee. I announced this plan to him. He ducked under my arm and said not if I kill you first!
Lee picked up one of the sausages and started whacking me with it spiritedly. I reciprocated. This second brawl got a little out of hand and spread out of the alley and into the street. There was much calamity and ado! Guards came to intervene! We were separated. Sausages were confiscated from us.
I realized with a start that I knew the guards. Ferret-face and Dopey head. Ferret face did not look pleased to see us. He also didn't seem surprised to see us. He asked us what in the hell do you think you're doing? You both know that public brawling is severely punished! I didn't like the sound of severe punishment and I quickly thought of a way out. I have always been a smooth liar. I'm a quick thinker that way. I told them that we weren't fighting. Lee ruined it and said we weren't?
I sent him a look that said Oh my spirits – will you shut the fuck up Lee!
I launched into my coverstory. I said that we had been practicing a fight scene for a play. Ferret-head crossed his arms. He wasn't buying it. He asked what play? I wracked my brains, but the only play I could think of with a decent fight scene was the tragedy of Oma and Shu, which is a lame-arse girly play about love and shit. But heaps of people get killed in nasty ways in it and there are lots of fight scenes. So Oma and Shu was what I went with it. I said that the refugee centre was doing a production of it and we were just practicing our scenes. Ferretface raised an eyebrow and said and what scene were you practicing.
I am an expert bullshit artist. I have a talent for it. Ferret-face wouldn't catch me out so easy. I said that we had been doing the fight scene between Ty Bolt and Ma Kusho. I said that I was Ty Bolt and Lee was Ma Kusho and looked over at Lee for corroboration.
This was a big gamble.
Lee is really trying to avoid trouble and I figured he'd back me up. But Lee is crap at this sort of thing. Also there was a big possibility that Lee would prefer to get us both in the shit rather than go along with my lie. Thankfully my first instinct was right. Lee would much rather claim to be in a play with me than go to lock-up and be locked in with me.
Lee copped to being Ma Kusho. I elaborated and said that we had been doing the scene where Ty Bolt stabs Ma Kusho. Lee shot me an exceptionally pissed off look. I sent him a look that said don't get your panties in a twist! As if I am going to stab you in front of the guards! Dopey, who was the size of a platypus bear and who had pulled Lee and me apart to break up the fight, surprised us here. He said oh that scene is so tragicin a whimsical voice and dropped Lee in his excitement (Dopey had previously had the thankless task of holding a squirming Lee back from pulling my hair – or whatever Lee had been trying to do). Ferret-face looked me up and down and said why don't you act out the little bit for my partner here – since he is such a big fan of the scene.
We gave it a lame effort. At least I had picked a scene from a play that everybody and their grandma knew. Even Lee knew it -thank the fucking spirits! If this story fell apart and we got arrested for brawling and thrown in the holding cells together – odds are one of us wouldn't be there in the morning. The odds are that person would be Lee -because if we ended up in jail because of his bad acting I really would have killed him.
Dopey gave us back our sausages to use as swords – I stabbed Lee and he "died" unenthusiastically. Well he said oh no! I've been stabbed (due to his bad acting, he said this in the same tone of voice that he offers Smellerbee tea – so the dramatic tension was lost). Then he added a plague on both your houses – like it was an afterthought.
Dopey looked at us incredulously and said man you guys really need the practice – that was terrible! He turned to Lee and offered him some constructive criticism. Dopey got down on his knees and said you're meant to do it like this kid. He looked up and made angry gestures at the sky and shouted A plague on both your houses! With much drama and tragedy. He shouted it so loud that small children were startled. He stood back up and said to Lee in a love story, you have to die with passion! Lee said I'll keep that in mind in a deadpan tone of voice.
Ferretface was looking thoroughly amused by all this. He started to say that he was going to let Lee and I off with a warning when the mood suddenly changed in the market place. It was like an invisible ominous cloud spread over the whole market. The unmistakable sound of soldiers marching in time came. That menacing stomp-stomp-stomp.
But it wasn't soliders – it was the Dai Li.
I could tell instantly that everyone was really fucking scared. Even the guards. The Dai Li agents stomped over to us. I noticed Dopey move in front of Lee and Ferret-face, almost imperceptibly. There were only three Dai Li – but you could tell that even a group of twelve drunken pirates wouldn't mess with them. The guy in charge looked at Ferret-face (he is higher ranking than Dopey I think) and asked if there was a problem here. The way Dai Li thug #1 said problem sent a chill up my spine.
Ferret-face said there was no problem. Dai Li thug was feeling argumentative and said that they had heard reports that there was a scuffle. Ferretface said Misunderstanding – these two practicing for a play. They were acting out the final fight scene between Ty Bolt and Ma Kusho in Oma and Shu.
Dai Li thug was still not satisfied. He started to circle us and we all stood stock still. He said they said someone was shouting about firebenders – Ferret-face is an even better bullshitter than I am. He scoffed and said Why would anyone do that? What do we know of firebenders in Ba Sing Se. Dai Li looked at Ferret-face and said so you are willing to give me you one hundred percent assurance, guardsman Lo, that there was not a single person here who was talking about the war? Ferret-face said that he was, and besides There was no war in Ba Sing Se. These appeared to be the magic words – because Lee and Dopey repeated them right after Ferret-face had said them, yeah, there is no war in Ba Sing Se. Dai Li thug zeroed in on me. He had noticed that I hadn't repeated the magic words. This man – he just had cold, dead eyes. He made me feel cold right in the pit of my stomach. He looked me up and down and asked and what about you boy?
The other day – when I had told Lee that I would rather be arrested by the Dai Li than have to live in a district with a firebender. That opinion has undergone a drastic alteration. The Dai Li really are creepy motherfuckers. The war and fighting it is so much a part of me. the war is everywhere! Nowhere is exempt from firebenders. I never thought I would be cowed into saying it – but bloody hell, Dai Li thug scared the shit out of me! I found myself looking him in eye and answering with There is no war in Ba Sing Se.
He bought it – thank fuck.
The Dai Li left to go and frighten the shit out of other people. After they were out of earshot, Ferret-face breathed a sigh of relief. Dopey gave him a slap on the back and Lee said thank you guardsman Lo. Ferretface was stroppy with us and said that he wanted to impress upon us how fucking lucky we were that they had come to break up our fight and not the Dai Li. The Dai Li had dragged people away on the least suspicion, for a lot less than brawling.
Ferretface said that he was letting Lee off with a warning and he was going to tell Lee's Fat Uncle that Lee had been brawling in public. Lee nodded. Ferretface added Look kid, I know that Jet is an asshole (oi Ferretface!) but don't fight with him, if only for your own good. Ferretface then turned to address the both of us and said Whatever problems you two are having – I suggest you sort them out civilized-like OR stay out of each other's way. Then he told Lee to get outta here and dismissed him with a little wave. Lee turned to go – but he stopped to hiss at me stay the fuck away from my Uncle and stay the fuck away from me as he walked past.
Ferret face was about to launch in on my scolding (which I imagined would be epic) – but Dopey interrupted. He was giving me a disgusted look and said dude! Don't go for the Uncle - that's just messed up. Both ferretface and I were confused by this utterance and said What? simultaneously. Dopey said Making a play for the old Uncle is to make him jealous right? But seriously that is a major downgrade. Dopey then decided to share some very unnecessary information with the group. like I get the Lee obsession because me-oh-my that boy is fine! If I were twenty years younger…..But unless you've got a daddy complex, you should leave the Uncle well alone. Never go over your age threshold.
There was so much wrong with this sentence – I didn't even know where to begin. Dopey elaborated on his (already ridiculous) point. He said I shouldn't go for anyone over 25 – because the age threshold is double you age minus seven – so for me that was 25. I got angry and said that for the last fucking time – I did not fancy Lee. I do not want to do dirty things with him or shag him in an alley or kiss him or do anything with him aside from punish him for begin him. Also I would never go for the old Uncle – that is just nasty! And age thresholds weren't a thing. Dopey said oh it's a thing with a great deal of sass.
Ferretface seemed to think that were we heading down an unhelpful tangent and called for silence. He looked at me and gave me a thorough scolding about my stupidity. I pointed out the unfairness of this because Lee only got a light scolding – and he had been in the fight too! It takes two to tango. Ferretface said that he was going easier on Lee because Lee was a first time offender and also he was pretty sure that I would have started the fight this afternoon. He crossed his arms and said that pretending to be in a play was cute. It was amusing. My bullshit might have amused Ferretface into letting me off with a warning.
But the Dai Li had zero sense of humor. He wouldn't be able to protect me from the consequences, if I pissed off the Dai Li. Ferretface looked me in the eye and sighed and then said just try and behave yourself in future – unless you want to return to the holding cell. I felt like I was three years old and being scolded by my Dad. I nodded. Ferretface looked pleased. He said alright get outta here – and dismissed me with a little wave.
Smellerbee was not so lenient with me.
I got home and Longshot was there making an unhappy face at me. His facial expression was saying where the fuck were you this afternoon? We've been worried sick. I tried to explain my side of the story to Longshot – because this could be the only chance I'd get to tell my side uninterrupted. (Smellerbee has the tendency to interrupt with questions/indigantion).
She came storming in with a great deal of both some time later. She stormed in, saw me and took a deep breath and seemed to pull herself up to her full height. She knew! She stomped over to me and started kicking me in the shins, shouting all the while What the fuck is wrong with you! I sassied back that she should tell me – she was the one with the therapy book after all! And this was all her fault and if she had never sent me to therapy in the first place I would have never had to do what I did this afternoon.
Longshot tapped Smellerbee on the shoulder and gave her a look that said what's going on? Smellerbee explained the events as she had heard them from Lee, this afternoon – when she went to ask if he had seen me. I made a sassy comment that of course Lee would have told her his side. She pointed her finger at me and gave me such a cross look that I was instantly silenced. She turned back to Longshot and said I'll tell you wants going on! She launched into the laundry list of my ill-deeds from this afternoon. I wonder which one she was the angriest over?
she said that I had - during the course of one afternoon:
- run away from therapy, causing Smellerbee to spend the entirety of her afternoon looking for me.
- been a big creepy stalker and stood right next to Lee and Hussy and watched as they made out.
- attacked Lee and smacked him in the face with my sausage.
- fought with Lee.
- announced that I intend to stalk Uncle.
-fought with Lee again
-Tried to Kiss Lee! (I interjected that it was just a misunderstanding involving Lee's face!)
- engaged in more sausage whacking
- engaged in public brawling
- engaged in shenanigans with guards.
-pretended I was acting in a production of Oma and Shu – to avoid trouble and also to faux stab Lee.
- caught the attention of the Dai Li
- behaved, in general, like an incredibly crazy mofo.
Smellerbee was beside herself with crossness. I was dying of embarrassment. I couldn't believe fucking Lee told her fucking everything! I wanted to fucking kill him. I had told him not to tell anybody and he had blabbed every-fucking-thing to Smellerbee. I would have to find a way to punish him for that!
Smellerbee was very furious about everything. She said that she wished she couldn't believe it – but with my behavior lately – she knew it was true. I said she didn't know – she had never asked me! She had just taken Lee's side instantly and come in and started berating me and it wasn't fair! She was meant to be my friend first! But now she stood their judging me!
She said of course I'm judging you – you tried to make out with a boy who had repeatedly told you that he just wants you to leave him alone! Then you slapped him in the face with your sausage! She couldn't believe it had come to this. If I had whipped out my sausage in public and slapped Lee with it – I had officially crossed the crazy line and was now a permanent inhabitant of pervert town.
There was some sort of misunderstanding involving sausages going on!
I asked if Smellerbee was laboring under the delusion that I had whacked Lee in the face with my willy? She was. Lee had told her that I had hit him with a sausage and Smellerbee said she knew what that meant in boy-code. I got most stroppy and said that she had the wrong end of the stick and I hit him with an actual sausage.
Not with my willy!
Who the fuck does that!
Smellerbee sighed in relief and said Well at least you didn't whip you willy out in public and slap someone with it – that is a small mercy. She then seemed to realize what she had said and turned to me and said Oh my god Jet! I just said I was thankfully that you aren't whacking people with your penis in public– and I meant it! how did this become our lives!
I got a bit offended that she actually thought me capable of something that crazy! Longshot gave me a look that said seriously dude? Smellerbee ranted that how could I blame her for thinking the worst – after everything I had done lately. Ever since we had arrived in Ba Sing Se – I had been off my trolley! I accused her of always thinking the worst of me. She was wrong about the willy-slap! Who knew what else she had misinterpreted and gotten upset about for no reason. She put her hands on her hips and said Are you telling me that you didn't try to kiss Lee against his will? I explained in more detail about the misunderstanding involving Lee's face. Smellerbee and Longshot weren't having it. Smellerbee looked to the ceiling in exasperation and said why me?
I got a bit defensive – because I thought she was judging me for being like that (even though I'm not like that. But if I was like that, Smellerbee's reaction would really sting.) Smellerbee's face contorted through a few different emotions. She said how could I even think that. She and Longshot had stuck by me through everything. She honestly didn't care which side of the field I pitched my tent on! She would always love and support me and be my friend. This wasn't about that at all.
This was about the fact that I was hands down crazy now! And I really had nearly gotten into serious trouble and she was at her wits end and she didn't know what to do with me and how could I be so stupid and why could I just leave Lee alone and get on with my life.
I said I couldn't leave Lee alone when he and I were proper enemies now! (rather than just confused teaboy and stalker like we were before). I felt better having an enemy! An enemy gave me a purpose. Someone to focus on. Smellerbee asked me if I even listened to myself sometimes. She said Jet you don't have a job, or any money and we don't have a proper place to live BUT you've now made yourself a "real" enemy! She said congratulations with an incredible level of sarcasm.
I told her that she should be more supportive. She turned to Longshot and said it's official, Jet is a knobhead. Jet is not a knobhead! Jet finally has a proper bit of evidence that at least one of them is a firebender - after all this time. Jet will stop referring to himself in third person.
I told them that the way that Lee reacted when I threatened his Uncle proves that his Uncle is a firebender. Longshot gave me a look that said you were threatening his Uncle – the only family he has - even I would want to rip your face off if I were him. Smellerbee got frustrated and said oh not this again. She sternly commanded me to just leave the Uncle alone – for everyone's collective sanity. For My own good! She said that Lee had told her about how we'd had such a close shave with the Dai Li this afternoon. Smellerbee was genuinely worried that the Dai Li would grab me, if I kept up with this.
Smellerbee and Longshot didn't want to lose me to the Dai Li – but she said that I would get on their bad side pretty quick, if I kept carrying on about firebenders. She came over to me and put her hands on my shoulders and looked me dead in the eye and said that the time had really come – for me to stop. She said it so sincerely. She asked me if could I stop this, if only for them?
I wanted to say yes and mean it. I really did.
But even as I said it – I knew it was a lie.
I can't stop.
Look , Lee has to be a firebender now! If he's not a firebender after all this – I really will just die of embarrassment. So he has to be a firebender – or at least protecting a firebender. That is the only way this whole situation makes sense. If he's not a firebender, then maybe I really am like that! And I refuse to accept that possibility!
Lee has, at the very least, been protecting a firebender, right here in Ba Sing Se. He has to be punished for that! He also has to be punished for telling Smellerbee everything. He told her everything – even stuff I wanted kept private! I had warned him there would be consequences if he told anyone.
That's what I am doing tonight. Teaching Lee about the consequences of his actions. Teaching him not to mess with me. Teaching him not to make me think he wants to kiss me and then take it back and act like I'm the crazy one! I think getting his Uncle hauled away for questioning will be apt punishment for Lee's crimes!
I don't know if I can prove anything against Lee – but his Uncle is a firebender. I am sure of it, even though Smellerbee and Longshot think it is nuts. If I can prove it – then they will know for sure that I am not crazy. All I need is for people to just look at the Uncle and think logically – they will come to the same conclusion I did.
And if it hurts Lee to see fat Uncle dragged away then good!
If they drag Lee away to – then that is even better!
He hurt me!
He embarrassed me!
He deserves it!
I have a plan, and it is a good one. The Fat Uncle is definitely a firebender, but he has no other fighting skills. If he were threatened – if it was a matter of life and death – he would have to use his bending to defend himself. If someone were to threaten him, in front of a large crowd of witnesses – then everyone would see! Everyone would know that he is a firebender and that I am not crazy.
At dinner, I'll go to the "bathroom" again. That will give me a few minutes head start ahead of Longshot and Smellerbee. When they notice, I've absconded again, they'll come after me. They don't understand. But they will when they see Uncle firebend! They will apologise for how they have been acting like I'm crazy these past few weeks. Even if Longshot and Smellerbee don't catch up in time to see Uncle firebend, the teashop is always packed at dinner and that will give me all the witnesses I need.
I have to do it tonight. Because I am tired of waiting for them to show their evil bending ways! I just need to force Fat Uncle's hand. Force him to reveal himself and all my problems are solved. He'll be dragged off. Even if the Dai Li don't take Lee as well, he won't stay without his Uncle. He'll go after the Uncle, I'm sure of it –and land himself into strife all on his own. Then he will also be out of my life.
Without Lee around - I can move on and start my life properly, and this whole messy, horrible confusing time will be over. Soon, me and my two hook swords are going to rid this city of an evil firebender and Lee once and for all!
They just rang the gong for dinner, so I am going to finish this here.
Then next time I write, I will be writing victoriously about how the Dai Li have finally been good for something and taken Lee and Fat Uncle away.
So this is the final chapter of Jet's troublesome obsession. Thank you very much for reading and I hope you enjoyed it. We all know how Jet's plan to get "Lee" and Uncle arrested is going to pan out for him. Huge enormous giant thank you to everyone who reviewed! You guys are marvelous!
So Jet's ultimate demise happens all in one day. Therapy in the morning – then an intense afternoon – and then and Ill-fated plan to attack a teashop at dinner time. YMMV but I think that having an intense day contributed to Jet snapping and deciding that 'he was tired of waiting' despite the dangers of the Dai Li.
One of the big things that caused Jet to go a little extra nutty was the attempted kiss and Zuko's prompt and violent refusal. It was a big thing for Jet to admit to himself that he was entertaining the idea and to act on it – only to have it be thrown in his face. It drastically increases his desire to push away his sexuality (eg punish Lee – because Lee is the one who brings these thoughts out in him).
Jet blames Lee for bringing out this side of his sexuality. He blames Smellerbee and Longshot for not believeing him/making him feel like he is crazy. Jet blames everyone else but himself in this chapter – but if he learned to look inward (Look at your life, look at your choices) he would have been in a much better place to deal with his issues and he never would have been arrested.
The other more successful Kiss in this chapter is the one that Jin gives Zuko to "get rid of Jet." this is just me playing with the fake-out/make-out trope. It is common for two characters to "kiss" as a disguise or to make other people feel uncomfortable and go away. I think this happens in real life to – I see two people going for it – I will give them some privacy and walk the long way around.
Anyway Jin has been wanting to kiss Zuko again for a while – and this gives her the ideal opportunity. Also it works (because even Jet would start to feel awkward after a while) and she gets to 'save him'. He would have kissed her back (because I think that he would reciprocate affection shown his way by Jin– and also he may have been entertaining the idea, every now and then, now that they have become friends.) So Jin is feeling pretty good about herself at the end of the kiss – she tries to lay the hint that she is open to more kissing and Zuko would have had a brain freeze. And then shit got awkward. And then Jin ran away – embarrassed because she's come on so strong and reveal so much. Bless her cotton socks.
I think that her and Zuko would almost settle into this friends-who-sometimes-kiss-messy-ill-defined-thing. But you will have to wait until we get back to Ba Sing Se in Not Stalking Firelord Zuko to see how this works out for them. Anyway, loved Jin and I feel bad about calling her shameless hussy all through out this – because really she's just darling.
The Play of Oma and Shu is a bastardised version of Romeo and Juliet. Jet was Tibalt and Zuko was Mercutio in Jet's imagination.
So Zuko and Jet have two big brawls in this chapter (three if you count the sword fight from the show – because that would happen pretty soon after this chapter). I think that they would be fairly evenly matched in hand to hand combat. I actually couldn't decide which one of them would be the scrappier fighter. But I think that Zuko would be stronger and have more training and technique on his side – and if their fights went on for long enough, he would win. But I didn't think it was plausible that he win all the time – because Jet is still badass. So they both have a turn "on top" – so to speak, in this chapter.
Zuko is really worried about leaving his Uncle alone in this chapter– but not for the reason Jet thinks . In my head canon we are getting close to the "tale of Iroh" and this has always been a hard time of year for his Uncle.
Uncle is also really worried about Zuko in this chapter. Uncle would have sent Zuko out for sausages. Fairly simple errand. Zuko would have returned HOURS later, with no sausages, a great deal of confusion and many bruises. He would have told his Uncle everything! But especially about how Jet now thinks he's a firebender and how Zuko thinks that is all his fault.
Smellerbee would have shown up asking if they had seen Jet and he would have also told her a condensed version of what happened. Not to gossip – but because he is really friggin confused by the whole afternoon's events. He also thinks Smellerbee should know that Jet is getting closer to the deep end and that therapy was obviously counter-productive.
There have been a few little snippets about Uncle in previous chapters that all came together for Jet in this last chapter. Jet's threat to Iroh causes Zuko to fly off the handle (because Zuko loves his Uncle). Also I think that Zuko would worry that Uncle was way more likely to get caught out bending that he is. Zuko doesn't mind Jet following him so much, because he's really careful and he normally knows when Jet is there – but he knows that his Uncle uses bending in the kitchen a bit during their busy periods. So as soon as Jet mentions trying to prove something against Iroh – he overreacts massively. In doing so he confirms, in Jet's mind, that Uncle really is a firebender. Look I love Zuko, but he has got such a temper and it has to bite him on the arse occasionally.
Another thing that bites Zuko on the arse (to comical effect) in this chapter is his threatening style. It is also the same as Katara's threatening style. Seriously though, these two both feel compelled to threaten by sticking their face exceptionally close to the threatenee and talking in a low whisper. But putting your face that close to someone else's could be misunderstood (as it was here – by Jet).
Anyway - I hope you have had at least half as much fun reading this fic as I have writing it. There are some other little side stories to flesh out the stalking universe that I am working on currently. If you have a preference for what you would like to see next let me know in reviews or PM. You can choose from:
One about how Azula made friends with Mai and Ty Lee.
One about the relationship between Toph and her favourite Nanny *cough* Ursa *cough*
One about what happens when Lu Ten is left in charge of Zuko and Azula one day.
One about Azula and Ozai, after Zuko is banished.