Shirou Emiya: Eroge Protagonist.
Author's notes: So yeah, this is kind of a long story. Lately a lot of my stories have been pretty dark and serious, most likely a result of real life issues needing venting. Fortunately, lately real life has been going pretty good. Most of my issues have been resolved, if not completely then enough for me to take a breath of relief.
Consequentially, it looks like I had a whole lot of silly saved up that needed venting.
This story, if you want to call it that, is actually the results of a thread I started on my forum. I was planning on using it as a way to just throw out silly ideas and parodies that were just too short to warrant actual story postings.
However, as time went on, more and more of those shorts built up, and it reached the point where I actually had enough to post, and here we are!
Just so you know, this story will probably not be updated in anything near a regular pattern. It also can not be counted onto develop in any sort of logical fashion. This is parody, pure and simple, so expect plenty of unusual cameos, humorous out of character moments, massive flanderization, and just plane silliness.
Also, be happy to know that now that I'm in a much better mood, In Flight is gonna be my next priority. I just gotta replay the game real fast so that I can get my self back into a proper Type-Moon Mindset.
Anyway, enjoy, and if you want to get more insights and commentaries, look up the thread on my forum.
A Pointless Prologue
It was a peaceful day in Shin Tokyo, more specifically in Izumo Inn. The sky was bright, and devoid of clouds. The sun was shining. Birds were singing. No insane angst ridden battles between harem-esque alien fighter women was occurring. No brutal organizations were in the midst of attempting to capture and dissect any number of subjects for various unethical reasons.
Which was probably why Shirou was so unsurprised when in the middle of his cooking, the wall to the kitchen burst open.
"Damnit," he grumbled, putting aside the ladle and rubbing his hands on his new apron. The 'Kiss the Cook' slogan had been summarily voted to be replaced by Uzume's newest joke find, an apron sporting the silhouette of an undressed man in a speedo with the words 'I'm sexy and I know it' written on it. "I just finished fixing the dining room too."
"Shirou Emiya," the new interloper proclaimed, even as the rest of Izumo Inn began to assemble, some of them combat ready and eager to fight whereas others took one look at the situation and tried to decide if this could be chalked up to more 'amusing drama that made Shirou watching so damn fun'. "I have come for you!"
"Yeah," Uzume muttered with a grin. "I think this one will probably be funny."
"Even if you're coming for me, couldn't you have done it through the front door?" Shirou asked with an aggrieved sigh, carefully massaging his forehead underneath his hair.
"Indeed," Miya chimed in from where she had mysteriously appeared directly behind the newcomer. The one who had burst through the wall was a man, an older looking man at that. He had a stately air to him and was dressed in a rather formal suit. If it wasn't for his bizarre entrance, Shirou might have thought he had a dignified air to him. "Whoever you are sir," Miya continued, dark clouds of malice already starting to form behind her, "I would like to have words with you about appropriate entrance venues…"
That was about as far as the alien princess/goddess/whatever got before the man simply pointed behind him with one hand and the lavenderette froze. For a second, Miya's eyes went wide and unfocused, and then she blinked once. Without another word, Miya disappeared, and Shirou eeped in surprise as quite suddenly the super alien appeared behind him, one hand wrapping around him and going down to cup a completely inappropriate place.
"Well then, love slave," she murmured into the still stunned redhead's ears. "What say you and I go upstairs and I let you call me 'queen'?"
That was the first clue Shirou had that he should probably be pretty worried at this point. It was only compounded when Miya glanced around.
"And where is Karasuba-chan? No dungeon is complete without its gimp, after all. It looks like someone will have to be punished until they remember their appropriate place."
Shirou, whom was still frozen at this point, was saved from potential amorous encounter of the disturbing kind by the rest of the gathered members of his flock.
"Holy hell," Homura gasped, gaping at the sudden and completely out of character change in the landlady. "What happened to you, Miya?" he demanded, before turning a suspicious gaze at the newcomer, who was still standing in a dramatic pose in the whole which had once been a kitchen wall.
"I simply replaced her personality with one from another world where she never met her husband and instead became a sex-crazed nymphomaniac," the man told the fire user primly, before turning back to Shirou. "Now, where was I?" he muttered, rubbing his bearded chin thoughtfully. "Oh, yeah!" With a snap of his fingers he seemed to recall what his original purpose was. "Shirou Emiya!" he repeated dramatically. "I have come for you!"
"Replaced her personality…" Shirou repeated weakly, before he turned even paler than he had before, though whether that was because of the epiphany he had just had over the true nature of the trespasser or because Miya chose that moment to goose him was a fact that would be lost to the ages. "You're Zelratch, aren't you?"
"Wizard Marshall Zelratch," the newly identified Sorcerer corrected primly. "Do get the title right. Bah, kids these days…" he trailed off with a grumble. Shirou couldn't quite suppress a twitch at the realization that he was currently confronting one of the most dangerous and unpredictable existences in all of the gathered realities, although the twitch might also have been caused by the way Miya had begun to nuzzle his neck provocatively.
"So…" the unlucky Seal Designee asked weakly. "Is there any way I can help you, Sir?" Shirou tried to keep his tone polite and hopeful, but the unasked 'So that you will fix what you did to Miya and then go far, FAR away from me?' was pretty much clear to all to hear.
"Yes," Zelratch nodded, a fierce scowl forming on his face. "Yes there is." Once more, the man pointed dramatically at Shirou. "You can hurry up and get the next chapter of 'In Flight' out!"
"….Excuse me?" Shirou asked, and then he seemed to realize that Miya was currently trying to unzip his pants and yelped, grabbing the offending hand and trying to pry it away.
"In one of my many, many wanderings, I managed to come across this bizarre thing known as 'Fanfiction'," Zelratch continued, taking a moment to indulge in exposition as he explained the reason for him coming all the way out for one puissant little magi that really wasn't that noticeable in the grand scheme of things. "Imagine my surprise when I discovered one such fanfic based around a world comparable to my own! Naturally, I decided to investigate, and this one particular fanfic might have been a bit slow moving, I found myself enjoying it immensely. Until there came a day when the author started to get a bit slow in writing, and then I realized it had been months since the last chapter. Naturally, I had to do something about this!"
"And what does this have to do with me?" Shirou asked, hoping that this story would not end with him having to deal with the crazy Sorcerer currently ranting in the remains of his kitchen.
"Well…" Zelratch trailed off, looking a little sheepish. "I might have gone to meet the author in order to encourage him, but than that kind of backfired." He looked to the side and grumbled, apparently in a tone that the rest of the room wasn't supposed to be able to hear. "How was I supposed to know that punishing him by convincing him to be a transvestite circus midget would actually slow his writing speed down? I mean, who could have possibly seen that coming?"
"Anyone with a brain," Uzume muttered, already mysteriously manifesting a bowl of popcorn so she could properly enjoy the scene in front of her.
"And once again, what does that have to do with me?" Shirou repeated, and then flinched when he realized that the number of hands he was trying to fend off to preserve his dignity had mysteriously increased. "Kazehana?" he gasped, realizing that the bottle fairy Sekirei had somehow managed to join Miya in her attempts to molest him.
For a moment Shirou was nervous that Zelratch might have done something to her too, and then realized that this was probably just her taking advantage of Miya's sudden disregard for impropriety to try and get in his pants.
"Well, while Gabriel Blessing is off trying to learn how to juggle and checking the costs of operations, I still don't have any new chapters of In Flight!" Zelratch explained in an exasperated tone. "And so I searched the endless alternate dimensions which make up the multiverse until I managed to locate you, Shirou Emiya of the Sekirei Plan!"
Zelratch paused, still posing dramatically. "Now," he continued, "entertain me!"
For a moment, silence settled over the strange scene which had developed.
"What?" Shirou finally managed to get out, and if he wasn't too busy trying to preserve his dignity he had a feeling he would be rubbing his forehead again. Unfortunately, a new set of happens signified that Matsu was also trying to get in on the 'Ashikabi Grope Time'.
"Entertain me!" Zelratch repeated, and though he probably intended it to be an impervious order, it came out a little bit whiny. "I keep waiting for more moments of harem comedy interspersed with blood thirsty magi battles and periods of angst, romance, and camaraderie, but it never comes! So I thought I'd come here and just watch from the source. Now, go!" Zelratch waved his arms as though he was commanding an army to forward march. "Amuse me with your pitiful life!"
"Man," Uzume grinned from between mouthfuls of popcorn. "Does this guy have your number or what, bro? And you had us all worried this sorcerer dude would be scary and all."
Zelratch didn't seem to take the veiled Sekirei's dismissal of his potential menace well, and with a glare he quickly pointed at her too. Instantly, Uzume dropped her popcorn, eyes widening.
"My god," she breathed, wonder and horror in her voice. "I suddenly like men too!"
Shirou rightly assumed that this would spell nothing good for his immediate future. He was already out of hands to protect his modesty, after all.
"Umm," Homura chimed in, though judging from the way he was glancing between Miya and Uzume it looked like the flame user was trying to be very deliberate in choosing his words. "I don't mean to offend you, sir," he began slowly. "But if you were looking to enjoy the regular dynamics of our," Homura paused, trying to determine the right way to phrase the next statement, "hypothetical life-as-a-story, then isn't coming into the middle of it and changing all the characters not the best way to do that?" When Zelratch turned to glare at the impertinent alien Homura quickly threw his hands up, cowering beneath them. "Please don't do anything to me!"
"I would," Zelratch declared, still glaring. "But I'm having trouble finding a situation in the multiverse which isn't already more screwed up then your current one."
The fact that spontaneously changing genders and being forced to undergo dramatic psychological changes simultaneously really was one of the worst fates which could await him did not seem to reassure Homura at all.
"Um, Wizard Marshal Zelratch, sir," Shirou began, trying his best not to think about what Miya's hand was doing under his shirt, or how the widowed alien would react if the memories of this encounter remained when she regained her original personality. "Homura does raise a good point. Just how are we supposed to go about our everyday lives if you are hovering around watching? Wouldn't it be best if you were to just fix all this, and then continue watching from somewhere else, preferably without ever interfering again?"
"What?" Zelratch roared, glaring at Shirou, not seeming to notice the way the number of women currently attempting to get in on Miya's leniency had increased by both Tsukiumi and Musubi. "You dare question the all-powerful Zelratch!"
When the Wizard Marshal pointed at Shirou, he braced himself, hoping against hope that he would come out of this encounter unaltered. And he was lucky: Zelratch did indeed leave his personality intact.
Rather than a sudden alteration of his personality, Shirou was instead launched through a spontaneously manifested hole in reality, disappearing from Izumo House entirely.
"My love slave!"
Simultaneous cries of shock and surprise echoed from around the room, and Zelratch nodded to himself with a satisfied look. He opened his mouth in order to say something but was interrupted a moment later.
"Ah….Ashikabi-sama," Akitsu added, a little late but getting there eventually. Zelratch gave her a look, but when it appeared that the ice woman wasn't going to say anything else, he nodded and continued right where he was going to begin a moment ago.
"There! That will teach you to try and use your strange and alien logic on me!" he told the empty space where Shirou had once been. "Now, why don't you get on with entertaining… me…"
Zelratch trailed off as he realized that without Shirou, being entertained by Shirou seemed a little unlikely.
"Damn," the sorcerer concluded a few moments later, scratching his head. "I really need to work on this impulse control thing, don't I?"
"What did you do to our Ashikabi!" Homura demanded, a little secure in the knowledge that he could be a bit more direct with the volatile magi now that it had been affirmed there wasn't much he could do to make Homura's situation even worse. Still scratching his head, Zelratch just waved his hand briefly at the group of angry aliens.
"Oh, I just made it so he would spontaneously dimension hop from several of the random dimensions which are naturally suited for his personality," he said dismissively. Homura gaped at the nonconcern being displayed.
"Wait! Did you get my Ashikabi involved in some other mystic tournament with shady conspiracies behind it, and shadowy villains manipulating everything from behind the scene?" Homura demanded, not even noticing the possessive pronoun he just used in conjunction with Shirou.
Zelratch gave Homura an odd look.
"What?" the sorcerer asked, a confused look on his face. "Why would I do something like that? He's probably off somewhere in some random eroge."
For a second, Homura wasn't quite certain how to respond to that. Finally, he settled for burying his face in his palms. "What?"
"Of course," Zelratch nodded with self-assurance. "That man was obviously destined to find himself surrounded by a harem of some sort or another. Now," dismissing the rest of the room entirely, not even caring about the response that his proclamation had engendered from the rest of the room. "As much fun as watching that boy get into trouble would be, I really wanted to see this particular plot. I suppose I better go find him real fast…"
And just like that, Zelratch was gone, leaving a somewhat contemplative crowd behind him.
"It makes sense," Musubi nodded, apparently agreeing with Zelratch's summation of Shirou's existence.
"How is having my husband in the center of another group of hussies make sense at all?" Tsukiumi demanded, not happy at all with the thought of where her Ashikabi may be or what and who he might be doing.
"Shirou-san is a source of love!" Musubi responded instantly, crowing triumphantly. "Love makes the world go round, so because of that Shirou-san should go and spread the word! Love!"
"There is something seriously wrong with you, Musubi," Homura growled head still in his hands.
"How did it happen?" Uzume whispered, still staring with shock and awe around her. "How could I never have noticed? Hardwood or carpet, it doesn't matter…"
"Matsu could have told you that ages ago," the third person hacker announced, giving the shocked Uzume a pitying glance at having taken so long to reach such a conclusion.
"Well," Miya chimed in, a pout on her face. "I'm not sure what just happened, but it looks like it might be a while until my love slave gets back." Miya did not seem happy about that at all. "I guess in the meantime I'll just have to go find my gimp and see to it that she knows her proper place."
Elsewhere, Karasuba felt a strange cold feeling of impending doom go down her spine. Never having experienced something like that before, the Black Sekirei just shrugged and went about her day, not knowing the fate which soon awaited her.