Author's Notes: Hey, y'all! Two things were recently discovered, one by me, and one by you. By me: my creativity isn't broke! And by you: I'm not dead!
Thanks to all of the encouraging PM's you lot have sent. Seriously, I have the best fans ever. By way of thank you, I give you, Sir Poley's Essay Procrastination Project! (Now in Technicolour(TM)). Or, in other words, what if... Milo was sucked into a slightly different Harry Potter universe? I present, in all of its 535-word, 45-minutes-of-typing-glory, Harry Potter and the Methods of Munchkinality.
The next HP:N20 chapter will come out Real Soon Now.
EDIT: Just to clarify: This chapter has no bearing on the plot of Harry Potter and the Natural 20. It's a non-canonical sidestory.
"So tell me, Harry, what's all this physics nonsense that you keep going on about?" Milo asked.
Harry was... unusual, even in this world where the unusual was commonplace. He seemed, at times, almost like someone from Milo's own world—he was, for example, more than capable of predicting what would happen next based on convention and the patterns of story, but... sometimes, he was beyond alien. The strange little boy's insistence on the fundamental rules of the universe was simply baffling. Couldn't he feel the dice rolling? Couldn't he see that time was divided into discrete, six-second intervals?
"Oh, well, it's simple, really. You see..." Harry spun an amazingly elaborate web of rules and laws and equations, talking about Force (how a damage type could be measured in units other than Hit Points, or have anything to do with mass was simply insane), Power, Friction, and Energy. Most confusing of all was this business of conservation. Conservation of momentum, conservation of energy. How could he stand there, insisting that mass must be conserved when a Wizard could wave his hand and create thousands of pounds of stone wall?
"And this—honestly, you have to swear that you're not pulling my leg here—is seriously how this Plane works?"
"Pretty much," he shrugged. "It's a good deal more complicated than that, but we have to start somewhere."
"Because, well, I'm pretty sure I can get around that," Milo said.
"Around what?" Harry was curious.
"All of it."
Three weeks later...
"Looks like you were right. Even a Horcrux can't take being Polymorphed into positrons. Shame about what happened to the rest of the island, though."
Another three weeks later...
"Okay, you can be the Supreme Muggle—" Milo conceded, lounging on his golden throne.
"Mugwump," Harry interjected.
"Whatever. And you can be the Minister for Magic. But, I get to lead the Outer Planes Expeditionary Force, with first right to any magic items seized therein."
"Don't you think we should focus on the Inner Planes, first? We'll need those Earth Elementals. I mean, somebody needs to rebuild Scotland." Harry shuddered. The collateral damage of their last experiment had been... unanticipated. "Though I don't think we should abandon the Commoner Railgun Project altogether."
"Psht. Once we finish overthrowing the gods, I'll Candle of Invocation us up some Lyres of Building. It's not even a thing."
"As for the terraforming of Mars, have you had any thoughts on how to keep a Gate to the Plane of Water open long enough to fill the—" Harry cut off as the telephone rang. He gave a lazy wave, and a hulking Shield Guardian handed him the handset then discreetly bowed and walked back to his place by the wall. Harry listened for a moment, then said, "Speaking. Yeah? Uh-huh? Yes, that's fine. That would be perfectly acceptable. No, don't worry, we'll come to you. Yes, we know where to find you." He hung up and tossed the phone back at the Construct, who caught it with mechanical precision.
"Who was that?" Milo asked. He was still having a hard time getting used to all this Muggle technology.
"The UN," Harry answered. "They've decided to comply with our demands."
To clarify for the confused some of the in-jokes:
The Commoner Railgun: this takes advantage of a quirk in the D&D rules that any decent DM wouldn't allow, but is still hilarious. The idea is that, in a six second round, everyone gets to act. Theoretically they're acting simultaneously, but they actually go in turns. On your turn, you can pass an object to someone standing next to you... before they get to act. They can then pass that same thing to someone standing next to them, etc.. So, in six seconds, an object can be passed 5N feet, where N is the number of people (in most examples, starving commoners) passing the object, which, therefore, moves at a velocity of 5N/6 feet-per-second. With enough commoners lined up, you can launch something at relativistic speeds. (Weirdly, this means the object gets held by each commoner for up to six seconds, despite being passed by thousands of people in a six-second period. Aaaaagh, my aching head.) This could be used to, say, launch something into space on the cheap. It's limited only by what the commoners can lift.
The Polymorph Bomb: Polymorph Any Object is a high level spell that turns 1 cubic foot/caster level of something into something else, with a duration based on the similarity of the original and end materials. It has a lot of fun uses, but my personal favourite involves mixing my cursory knowledge of real-world physics and magic - positrons. From what I know, positrons are like electrons, but antimatter. So they all repel each other, because of their positive charge, but when they collide with matter (in this case, a large island), the two are annihilated and explode. I think. Again, I'm a Classical Studies Major. The point is, big boom. Probably earth-shattering.
Lyre of Building: this is just a magical stringed instrument that, when you play it, stuff gets magically built, like, really fast.