Title: The First, Second & Forty-Eighth Time
Rated: +18 – some sexual references, cross-dressing, drinking, alcohol, drugs
Summary: forty-seven times Sebastian and Kurt sleep with each other for all the stupid reasons and one time they do it because they love each other. Kurtbastian.
"You are devoid of logic, Hummel."
"Your hair is devoid of laws of physics, Smythe."
"You dream about having hair that requires no strict gelling routine."
"I think you confused me with my boyfriend, you know? Sex on a stick, sings like a dream, raising awareness of how extinct bow-ties are in the fashion industry?"
"Oh, please, Hummel."
"Explain to me again why you insist on coming to me to recollect what happened last night when the Warblers decided to crash Puck's party."
"That was such a good idea. You should've seen your faces. I think Jeff peed his skirt."
"Jeff does not wear a skirt. And before you open those thin lips of yours, neither do I. I do not wear panties, or any form of female undergarments. Last time I checked, my birth certificate clearly stated that I am a male."
"Your vocal chords suggest otherwise."
"Ahem. Why did you need to recollect what happened last night?"
"Because I got drunk off vodka, champagne, brandy, cognac and other nice alcoholic beverages. I think I took a head-dive into a champagne bottle from how I smelled. I think I woke up in your bed. By the way, you and my Mother share the same profound obsession of lotions and candles from Bath & Body Works."
"…you were in my bed…?"
"Hummel, you didn't tell me what happened last night—"
"Oh my God. Sebastian Smythe was in my bed."
"Hold the orgasm, Hummel."
"Were you naked?"
"Depends. Will you come if I tell you so?"
"Shut up. I need to know how to handle wiping away your bacteria from my sheets. And did you just purr?"
"Like a sex kitten."
"Will you leave if I tell you what happened last night?"
"You thought it would be fun to try on Rachel's wedding dress."
"I have the picture if you do not believe me."
"Did I wake up in your bed in a wedding dress?"
"My Dad says yes. He saw you this morning. He commented diligently about how your legs need to be shaved. He asked if we were honeymooning in his shop."
"I'm French. I don't shave my legs. Nor do I shave my pubic hair."
"Oh God. Your pubic hair touched my bed."
"I thought I was in a wedding dress."
"You groaned, hated it, and took it off and said that Rachel has horrible taste. I agree completely—"
"Did the Earth just explode? Did you say 'I agree completely' to something I said?"
"…you're right. Oh God. It must be all of your germs already infesting in me—I can't stand it anymore. Fuck. I agreed to something you said."
"Anyway, Hummel. Continue your riveting tale."
"—you slept in my bed, naked. Finn managed to lure you away from my bedside by letting Blaine try to seduce you. Finn told me you punched him in the face because Blaine can't seduce well—"
"Who the hell says 'I want to tie your bow tonight?' as a sexual comment—"
"—and now, I have to sterilise my bed. Oh my God. Sebastian Smythe was on my bed."
"Calm down, Hummel. The Doc said the only way you can transmit Hep C is if I fucked you."
"Holy shit. I have Hep C."
"…so that's what happened last night. Always knew I wouldn't squeeze myself in a dress that's built for chicks that are a foot shorter than me."
"No, that actually happened."