This is pure crack-fic as I am going through a fairly difficult time and needed something humourus and fun to add to my life, you know what they say, 'smile even when its painful' or whatever it is. I apologize on my lack of updates but if you want to know the reason why then read the author's note at penance and it tells you why.
Again thank you so much for the reviews and please enjoy and tell me what you think.
Sunlight beat down upon the throngs of people that drifted through the streets, occasionally stopping by to exchange money for desired goods. The air was alive with chatter and laughter. Vendors lined the busy streets and behind them stood sooty salesmen, all competing for the attention of customers by shouting promises of having the best food. Flies and wasps buzzed energetically around the ripe fruits; bewitched by their succulent scent.
A fair-haired child ran past two mysterious cloaked figures in straw hats, shrieking with laughter, and causing the two to stop momentarily in their tracks.
Once the little vermin was out of the way, they continued walking towards their destination, gravel crunching under their feet. Deidara removed his only hand from the depth of his pocket that contained the clay, if he hadn't lost his left arm, he would've bombed the obnoxious kid right then and there. He hated little brats.
But, he thought, he should let him live his pathetic life just a little bit longer. Though it was so unusual for Deidara to let go of an opportunity to bomb something or someone; it must be the scorching heat getting to him and his large billowing cloak only acted as an insulator to the blazing sun.
It was at times like this that Deidara wished that he had a puppet body like Sasori no Danna which couldn't feel anything (though he'd rather keep that thought to himself because Sasori would never let him live it down and in Deidara's opinion it was like admitting that Sasori's art was better which, of course, it wasn't).
Beads of precipitation dripped from his brow, then finally giving into gravity and rolling down his face in a lackadaisical manner.
The excruciating pain in his left arm, or what was left of it, did nothing to ease his foul mood. That stupid art- loathing missing Nin had ripped out Deidara's limb and now it ended at the elbow; the blood cells desperate in their, rather futile, endeavor to clot. He was glad that he blew up that poor excuse of a shinobi into smithereens; he deserved it for mocking his fleeting art.
Warm, crimson liquid soaked his torn sleeve and some of it dripped onto cracked ground, leaving a trail of blood behind.
He could tell that Sasori was feeling quite pleased with himself, if his silence was any indication (because the day when Sasori would smile to demonstrate his mirth would be the day that Uchiha Itachi would, to put it bluntly, kiss Deidara's ass. In other words it was never going to happen. Thus, the blonde artist was forced to identify Sasori's moods according to other indications such as a lack of criticism about the blonde's super flat style on Sasori's part.) It was obvious why, their mission had been a success, at the expense of Deidara's left arm, and much to the puppet master's satisfaction they had completed it very quickly. Also their opponents had put up a rather good fight; therefore the redheaded Suna Nin had labeled them as worthy to add to his 'collection'.
Now all they had to do was return to their hideout and then Deidara could tend to his injury or better yet he could ask Kakuzu-no-Danna to sew a new arm back on.
Suddenly Sasori stopped, snapping Deidara out of his reverie, the mechanisms inside the laden puppet shifting obediently under the command of his chakra strings.
"Mm, what's wrong Sasori-no-Danna?"
Deidara's heightened senses alerted him that something was hastily coming his way.
A gust of wind suddenly surged past the two Akatsuki members caused by skateboarders that rode by effortlessly, balancing on their teetering boards, their battered wheels kicking up sand and dust into the sticky air.
"LOOK OUT!" Someone from behind bellowed.
One moment the suicide-bomber was standing in the middle of the crowded street, the next he felt something heavy slam mercilessly into his back. Nearby, civilians shrieked out of shock. The world suddenly began to spin as his body got tangled with another and he rolled over four times from the force of the powerful collision until he crashed into a stall.
The wooden street vendor gave a low groan before sending an avalanche of oranges toppling on top of Deidara, burying half of his body.
A cloud of buoyant soil drifted over the two unmoving figures.
Dust had somehow entered his system, probably because he inhaled it, causing him to let out a series of painful coughs. A dull pounding settled into his head, his vision was blurry and everything ached.
Something stiff and heavy lay on top of him, blocking his trachea, most likely the idiot who dared to slam into him. Groaning in pain, he weakly tried to push off whoever the hell had landed on him with his right arm.
"Get off, un." He muttered.
But thankfully he felt air rush into his lungs as the weight was lifted off.
"Oh my God, I am so sorry! Ma'am are you alright?" A pleasant voice reached Deidara's ears.
Perhaps it was because the blonde's hearing was slightly off or that he was in too much pain to care, either way, he didn't attempt to correct the teenage girl about his gender.
'I don't fucking care how sorry you are, my whole body hurts that's what matters, un.' He thought, annoyed.
Sasori had watched the whole scene unfolding before his eyes, had he not been in such a good mood, he would've scolded Deidara for his carelessness and for wasting time, but for once the redheaded missing nin allowed himself to feel slightly amused by his partner's predicament.
Sakura scrambled off the woman's body. Despite being marred with bruises and scratches, she immediately began to shove the mountain of oranges that had rained down off of the woman's body, ignoring the merchant who threatened to call the police for vandalizing his store. Couldn't he see that it was a damned accident?
The poor woman! This is it; she'll never let her friends talk her into skateboarding through the streets ever again. Once this was all over, her fist was going to make intimate contact with Naruto's face.
The blonde woman's eyes were shut tightly in an obvious attempt to bear the pain. Then something caught Sakura's eye. Her arm!
Sakura blanched. She had torn off the woman's left arm and a pool of blood had gathered on the ground, drenching Sakura's knee. But most importantly: she had torn off the woman's arm!
Sakura clutched her head in terror and guilt.
"OH MY GOD! I AM A DESPICABLE HUMAN BEING! I RIPPED OUT HER ARM!" Sakura screamed, "It's alright ma'am I'll heal you right now and I'll pay for any damage I caused."
"You better pay for damages done to my store." The merchant who owned the stall spat.
But his snide comment went unnoticed by the hysterical girl, much to his chagrin. Delicate hands that had nasty scratches dented into them glowed a soft green color and rested atop of the woman's stomach. Sakura focused on the very first step: numbing the pain and stopping the bleeding.
Deidara suddenly felt much better as he felt warm chakra cruise through his veins, alleviating the aching and curing his injuries.
'She's a medic ninja, un." Deidara thought idly, his mind drifting off.
'A medic nin?' Sasori thought, mildly impressed. He was getting rather irritated now because this has gone on for far too long and her display of impressive skills hardly made up for the waste of time. If his partner could manage to walk over 100 miles without an arm then a few added bruises and scratches wouldn't make a difference.
More importantly Deidara was forcing Sasori to wait, that little brat.
A shadow fell across Sakura as she continued to heal Deidara.
"Deidara, get up, we have to get moving or we're going to be late." A gruff, husky voice resounded behind Sakura. She glanced back only to come face to face with a hunched-back, hideous figure. But looking at it more closely she could see that it was a puppet.
Where was the puppet master located? Inside the puppet?
But the main thing was that that guy was getting on her nerves. What the hell was wrong with him? His companion just got hurt and he was insisting that she get up this instant because they were going to be late?
"Give me a break, Sasori-no-Danna, un." The woman, with a surprisingly low voice, muttered.
The man only grunted in annoyance. Sakura gave Sasori a skeptical look.
This went against every moral code in her book because comrades were always supposed to come before anything else. Suddenly she stopped the healing process, much to Deidara's chagrin as the pleasant chakra no longer numbed the throbbing pain, and stood up to face the repulsive puppet. She felt a strange satisfaction in being taller than him despite knowing that this form was merely a puppet.
"What kind of a man are you? Your girlfriend here is injured and the only thing you care about is coming on time for wherever it is you have to go?" Sakura yelled at him.
Sasori blinked. Deidara's mind went blank.
It took a few moments for them both to register what the bizarre girl had just said, their aesthetic genius minds allowing the sentence to sink in.
'Girlfriend?' Both Akatsuki members thought incredulously.
"What?" said Sasori blankly. Had Sasori been a lesser man he would've died of laughter or shock by now from this ridiculous assumption but instead he opted for wearing a bemused expression.
"Your girlfriend!" Sakura repeated exasperated, in a tone that suggested that she thought Sasori must be extraordinarily stupid.
Deidara felt his masculinity drop by 80%, not that he had much to begin with, according to Hidan anyway.
"I am not his girlfriend, un! WHAT THE FUCK?" Deidara bellowed, face red with indignation.
Sakura's mouth formed a perfect 'o' as she spotted the ring on Deidara's index finger and a sudden realization hit her. "Oh I am sorry for the mistake! I didn't realize you guys were married because you, I mean at least she, looks quite young."
Deidara didn't know whether to stab himself or the idiotic girl from frustration. What a tough choice he was faced with. He had never met a more clueless and stupid shinobi in his life.
Studying her carefully, he could see that she came from Konoha; he didn't understand how someone like Itachi and someone like her could originate from the same village. A mutation of genes perhaps, the color of her hair and her colossal forehead seemed to be proof of that.
Sasori looked at Sakura as though a pair of antlers had sprouted from her foolish little head. People assumed many things about the akatsuki: like that Zetsu was an Aloe Vera or that Hidan had Tourette's syndrome or that Itachi used eyeliner but never, never something as preposterous as marriage - and from the same gender no less.
"MARRIAGE?" Deidara hollered so loudly that it was sure to wake the dead up. The word tasted like acid on his tongue.
Sakura gasped. "Oh my mistake, I am sorry, you're not yet married. You're engaged!"
Sasori was utterly speechless. He could not form any coherent or accurate words to describe this…this situation. Glancing at his blonde partner he could see that Deidara was sharing his sentiments, if the constant opening and closing of his mouth was any indication. Belatedly, Sasori realized that it was the first time they agreed upon something.
"I AM A MAN FOR FUCK'S SAKE! WE'RE NOT FUCKING ENGAGED YOU DUMB FUCK!"
Instead of coming to a realization at her ludicrous mistake, like normal people would, her expression melted into one of anger.
"No you are not! Why are you lying? " She asked angrily.
Clearly she lived in a parallel universe.
Deidara looked on the verge of passing out from bewilderment. Sasori had a feeling that if he hadn't been injured he would've strangled the dimwitted girl.
"The fuck? I am not lying you stupid bitch, un!"
She was the most idiotic woman he had ever met.
"You are! Are you lying because you're ashamed?" She questioned.
"What?" It was the day Deidara thanked the Gods that they had only one woman in their organization, "WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I BE ASHAMED OF MARRIAGE WHEN I AM NOT EVEN FUCKING MARRIED! AND I AM A MAN YOU CRA-"
"THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY THAT SOMEONE AS BEAUTIFUL AS YOU CAN EVER BE A MAN!" Sakura screamed, fuming.
Deidara's eyes bulged.
She would not accept that a man would be more beautiful than her. It was a huge blow to her pride and ego. No way in hell was she going to ever accept that!
It was thus, that Sasori had evidence to back his theory up and come to a conclusion about this particular girl: She was insane. Looking at Deidara, Sasori almost felt sorry for him. Almost.
It was one thing to call his art beautiful, which was absolutely appalling in Sasori's opinion, but it's another to call him beautiful.
Gritting his teeth, Deidara finally sat up and glared daggers at the pink-haired brat and she actually had the gall to do the same.
He didn't understand why she seemed so angry it was him, he was the one supposed to be pissed beyond measure, which he was. She had wounded his pride as a man and she was going to pay for it.
"I am a man." Deidara insisted. He had no idea why he was trying so hard to convince her of this fact; usually he would've just blown her up. Really, it must be the heat getting to him.
She fixed him with a long piercing stare, unblinking. Then she did something out of the ordinary…she grinned.
"I know, I was just teasing you. But I bet you, in your past life you were a woman." Sakura said cheekily.
He blinked; it was hilarious to watch his expression shift from one to the other in a matter of milliseconds.
"I'LL BLOW YOU UP YOU LITTLE BITCH!"
Thankfully Sakura had managed to cover her ears on time, women's intuition, and Sasori? Well he's incapable of feeling any pain anyway.
'That's it…women are crazy.' Sasori concluded while watching the drama happen before his amber glassy eyes.
Alright I wanted to write something humorous and I think it turned out quite bad…I was working on this for quite a few days and truth be told at first it seemed like a good idea but I think I could've written it better but I don't see how. I think I need the opinion of another person. The ending was…well not the best, if someone could suggest a better ending, funnier and creative. Seriously I had a serious writing block when typing the ending up for this.
I am not sure I conveyed their characters so well in here or that their reactions were up to par but I tried my best and hopefully hear how you think of it, I may edit this again because I didn't think too much of it.
As for solace, hopefully updating during the weekend but these days I've just had a hard time writing things and not from a lack of inspiration rather due to the fact that I have a low self-esteem when compared to other authors .. But when I saw the reviews for Solace, thank you I was really happy to read the reviews and it made me smile like an idiot though looking back at my writing and ideas I have to say they were a bit childish and whatnot, I hope I've improved in my writing. Anyway please leave a review, tell me what you think and ask me whether you want anymore humorous crack-fic oneshots.
Because I seriously need to know what people think and I don't mind constructive critism as it helps me grow and develop my writing skills as they're kind of lacking.
I got inspired to write this from the author firefly, if you don't know who she is, check her stories out, they're so awesome. She's just an amazing author and I hope to write like her someday, at least I think she's a female.
Anyway, peace out.