A fill for a prompt on Avengerkink. Summary: Thor's birthday present to his brother leads to a wager between The Avengers to see who can get Loki into bed first. Hulk/Loki, and pretty much everyone else tries too. Contains some spoilers for the film.
~0~ OPERATION: SEDUCE LOKI ~0~
"You let him escape?" Fury shrieked, when Thor had arrived back on Earth, looking for Loki.
"You expected us to treat a member of the royal family as a common prisoner?" Thor asked. "Loki is a prince of Asgard. The dungeons would not be a safe place for him."
"He killed 81 people in two days, led an alien army to invade our planet, and he wasn't a prisoner?"
"He was confined to his chambers, and not allowed to join us for feasts."
"So the punishment for war criminals on Asgard is being sent to bed without any dinner?"
"Dinner is the most important meal of the day," Thor grumbled.
"What happened to the whole bound by entrails, snake venom thing?"
"That is just a myth, we Aesir would never be so cruel," Thor said. "Surely you did not believe such tales?"
"What about the whole eight legged horse thing?"
Thor glowered at him and said, "We do not talk about that."
"Get him found, and get him contained," Fury said. "BEFORE he does anything stupid."
Loki was never one for hiding himself when it came to his plans for world domination, so it came as no surprise to the Avengers when he had shown up in London and disturbed the opening ceremony of the Olympic games by blowing out the torch with a blast of icy wind right before the flame was lit.
As people screamed and tried to flee the stadium, Loki gave a ranting lecture on how athletic achievements were overrated in comparison to intellectual pursuits, and when he was king, brain would be rewarded over brawn. Then he looked to the sky as dark clouds began to form overhead, and cowered slightly as lightening sparked through the air, and Thor landed on the stadium floor.
"Brother, come down from there," Thor said, as he stood next to the overturned red double decker bus Loki was perched upon. "I would have words with you."
"I have nothing to say to you," Loki shouted. "Do not test me Thor, I am in no mood for your interruptions today. These mortals must learn to respect my power!"
"You leave me little choice. You are ill suited to this realm brother. You must come back to Asgard with me."
"Back to Asgard? To be treated with such cruelty again?" Loki asked. "Do you know what they did to me?"
"Mother sent you a tray every night."
"She sent me nothing more than scraps from the all fathers table!" Loki shouted, as he rubbed his hands together fretfully.
"Come down, brother. We must go home."
Loki screamed in frustration, but then was knocked from the top of the bus by a single throw of Mjolnir, and he fell in a crumpled heap on the ground.
Iron Man landed in the stadium, quickly followed by the Quinjet, and as Steve opened the back hatch and walked to the end of the ramp, Tony joined him.
"I'm not really sure we're needed," Tony said, as he watched Thor pummel Loki to the floor. "He doesn't really look as scary as he used to."
"He had the staff before," Steve said. "Selvig said Loki was drawing a lot of his power from that."
"He's still annoying though," Tony said. "Can we just gag him again to get him to shut the hell up?"
"I hate you!" Loki screeched in the distance as he scrambled to his feet, then the air shimmered around him, and a hundred clones appeared at once.
"Crap! Don't let him get away!" Tony shouted, as he set off towards the clones, but as they ran, heading into the panicking crowd, every 'Loki' Tony, Thor and Steve managed to get their hands on fizzled into nothing, and eventually they had to concede that he had escaped.
For six months they played the same game of cat and mouse with Loki. He would turn up, run wild with some ridiculous plot that always failed, scream a few grandiose insults, cry a little, and then vanish. It almost could have been classed as entertaining if it weren't for the property damage, the cleaning bills, and having to explain to reporters why The Avengers were running up and down the streets being hunted by enormous devil dogs.
"Loki's in Manhattan," Steve said. "Time to suit up."
"What's he doing this time?" Tony asked. "If he's recreating Ghostbusters again, I'm not going. It took me a week to get that marshmallow off my armor last time."
"Apparently the Statue Of Liberty is walking down Broadway, and it's heading straight for us."
"Oh shit!" Tony exclaimed, and then turned to Thor. "I told you giving him that DVD box set for his birthday was a really bad idea."
"I thought he would find it funny," Thor said. "He was very pleased with his gifts."
"What else did you give him?"
"Battle: Los Angeles."
"The Day The Earth Stood Still," Thor said, "and Cloverfield."
"So you practically gave him a blueprint for how to attack the city?" Tony asked.
"My brother likes action movies."
"We are so screwed," Tony replied. "When we get back from this you are going round his super secret hideaway, or whatever he calls it, and getting those DVDs back."
The video of Thor decapitating the Statue Of Liberty was all over the news, but luckily the Mayor was out when the giant metal body fell lifeless onto his office, and crushed the building beyond repair.
"This is a PR nightmare," Fury shouted when he gathered the Avengers back at Stark tower war room. "Forget any ideas of being heroes, or the good will we built up saving everyone's asses in this last year. The public want our heads for this."
"It was the only way to defeat the beast," Thor said. "I stand by my actions."
"Beast? BEAST? That was the Statue Of Liberty!" Fury raged. "You need to find some way to get your brother under control before someone suggests nuking his ass."
"I have tried to reason with him, but he will not listen."
"You figure out a way to capture him, and get him back to Asgard," Fury said. "I have to call the president of the United States now, and make a groveling apology on your behalf, so no one, I repeat NO ONE, leaves this room until you have a plan."
Fury walked to the door and slammed it on his way out, leaving everyone to stare at each other in embarrassed silence for a moment.
"That was pretty cool when the head bounced down the street though, wasn't it?" Tony asked.
"Tony, it wasn't funny," Steve snapped, then he turned to Thor and said, "Loki must have a weakness. Is there anything you can tell us?"
"We could try Kryptonite," Tony suggested.
"Seriously, shut up," Steve said.
"My brother has no weaknesses that I am aware of."
"I've said it before, and I'll say it again," Bruce said, quietly. "That guys weakness is the fact that he's as crazy as a box of cats."
"My brother is not crazy," Thor said. "Do not sleight him with your words."
"Oh come on, Thor," Tony said. "He's cuckoo, and Bruce might be onto something there. Haven't all his plans failed in the end because he's just plain nuts?"
"My brother is… emotional," Thor said. "He feels he has been wronged in the past. He does not feel loved."
"So he just needs a hug is what you are saying?" Tony said. "Not that he's, like, a creepy attention whore who wants everyone to worship him."
"I think he would like to be worshiped as well," Thor replied.
"Worshiped?" Natasha said. "Who would possibly want to worship him, he's a pain in the ass."
"I'll give him a pain in the ass," Clint said. "He needs to just get laid already."
"Maybe that's the answer," Natasha said. "They do say sex is the best weapon."
"Are you volunteering to take one for the team?" Tony said.
"Hell no!" Natasha exclaimed.
"Scared of a little godly action, are we?" Tony asked, and she rolled her eyes in response. "You might be onto something though. At the very least it would distract him so we could get close enough to take him down, and who knows, maybe a bit of hanky panky is exactly what he needs."
"You aren't seriously considering this are you?" Steve asked.
"Do you have a better idea?"
"Can you even imagine what he would be like in bed?" Clint said.
"I imagine there would be a lot of screaming," Natasha replied.
"From him, or from you, in general terror for your life?" Tony asked.
"Definitely from him," Clint replied. "He's a dramatic son of a bitch. I imagine it'd be like a theatrical performance."
"So that's the plan then?" Tony asked. "Operation: Seduce Loki?"
"Until we think of something better, it's all we have," Clint said. "The big question is does he even like sex, cause he looks like he'd have to remove the stick from his ass first, to me."
Everyone looked at Thor, and he said, "My brother does like sex, yes. I do not think he dallies with sticks though."
"And, of course, the other question is who's going to do the deed?" Clint asked.
Everyone looked at each other, waiting for someone to volunteer, and then Thor said, "My friends! I am willing to attempt this undertaking. I will seduce Loki, I will couple with him, and I shall make him happy. Loki has long craved my love and attention, and I shall give it to him, for the team."
"Haven't you forgotten something important?" Steve asked, and Thor looked confused. "Loki is your brother."
"He is adopted," Thor replied. "You think you would be a better match?"
"It would be less… icky."
"Icky? What is the meaning of this word?"
"Not very nice… Unpleasant. Distasteful."
"You are calling my proposed sexual relationship with my brother distasteful?"
"On Asgard such relations would be considered a trivial matter."
"Here, on Earth, it's kinda frowned upon."
"You people are so petty," Thor said, and then cast his eyes down Steve's body, looking directly at his crotch, "And tiny."
"What?" Steve asked.
"I know my brother. You would not be able to satisfy him," Thor said. "He requires a god."
"So I guess that's me," Tony said. "I'm the only bona fide sex god around here, and I have the testimony of three playgirl bunnies, an Oscar winner, and member of the USA gymnastics team to prove it."
"I doubt my brother would accept your courtship either, Stark."
"Wanna bet on it?"
"You mean a wager?"
"Yes, I'll wager that I can get Loki into bed before anyone else in this room."
"What will you forfeit when you fail in your quest?"
"I'll… stand naked in the window of Macy's for five minutes, and if I win, you do the same."
"Twenty minutes," Thor said.
"Ten minutes," Tony snapped back and Thor smiled in cool, calculated way that reminded Tony of his evil little brother.
"Ten minutes it is."
"I look forward to seeing what a god keeps in his pants."
"I can assure you that will not happen, Stark," Thor said, with a laugh. "There is not a person in this room who would be able to successfully woo my brother."
"Whoa, whoa, wait," Clint said. "You mean if any of us manage to nail him first, Tony will be buck ass naked in a store window for ten minutes?"
"Absolutely, although I wouldn't get your hopes up," Tony said. "I've never failed to get anyone I wanted into bed."
"What about Miss March in the Maxim calendar? I heard you got blew out on that one?" Natasha asked.
"That was scheduling difficulties," Tony said.
"That's not what Pepper said," she replied.
"Yeah, well Pepper lies."
"I'd like to see Tony naked in a shop window. I'm in," Clint said.
"Me too," Natasha replied.
"I'm sorry Lady Natasha, but my brother will couple with men, monsters, and mystical creatures, but he does not like maidens," Thor said.
Natasha tilted her head to one said and said, "Somehow I feel quite relieved about that."
"Doesn't like quim, eh?" Tony said.
"Will you stop using that word?" Steve snapped. "It's disgusting, and it's degrading to women."
"How do you even know what that means?" Tony asked.
"I… looked it up on the internet," Steve admitted.
"Yeah, me too," Tony said. "Bruce, you in?"
"Leave me out of this," Bruce replied. "I can't see the other guy being up for it somehow."
"I'm in," Steve said.
"You?" Tony asked. "I thought you were saving yourself for true love, Captain purity ring."
"As you said, it's taking one for the team," Steve replied, and suddenly Tony felt slightly like the odds were stacked against him, because who in their right minds would turn down a night with a handsome, blond super soldier.
There was a new ice age in New York, or more specifically the Public library was encased in ice, Loki was on the roof laughing, and a giant ocean going tanker stood on 5th avenue, while its sailors ran round screaming, attempting to escape the wolves that were roaming it's corridors.
"You never told me you gave him this film," Tony said, as they stood at the base of the library, smashing the ice that blocked the doors, so the people trapped inside could escape.
"It was in another box set," Thor said, as he took another swing at the ice, and cracked it.
"2012… and Godzilla, and Independence Day."
"If we get another alien army invasion this is all on you," Tony said, as Thor finally shattered the ice, and people began to spill from the building screaming.
"I told you, Loki likes action films."
"Thor, they're all end of the world movies," Tony said, as he pointed screaming people towards the street. "You basically gave him an instruction manual on how to bring about the apocalypse."
"Help these people to safety, Stark," Thor said, swinging Mjolnir. "I must seduce my brother now."
"Not fair!" Tony shouted, and Thor flew up onto the roof.
"OdinSON," Loki said poisonously, as Thor landed before him. "I must thank you for your gifts. They have proven to be most enlightening. Although, I should admit, I did exchange that awful film about plants killing everyone for a different one."
"You must stop this madness now, Loki," Thor said as he approached. "The people are scared, and tired of your games."
"They will kneel to me… eventually"
"They will not kneel, brother," Thor said.
"Then they will die," Loki snarled, as he slammed his hand to the roof of the library, sending a sheet of ice rushing towards Thor, forming giant spikes in its wake.
Thor raised Mjolnir and smashed the first spike that appeared, other spikes rose up quickly to replace it, surrounding him in a razor sharp field of ice. One ascended too quickly for him to destroy and gouged a deep cut in his forearm, so he span Mjolnir, flew up into the air, and raced towards Loki, knocking him on back. Thor placed Mjolnir on Loki's chest, and then crouched over him.
"Such an old trick brother, I'm almost disappointed in you," Loki said, spitefully. "Your poor, dull mind cannot think of better ways to contain me?"
"Brother," Thor boomed, "I must copulate with you now!"
"What?" Loki said, his eyes widening as he struggled to break free from the weight of the hammer, and Thor's tight grip on his shoulders.
"I would have sex with you now, Loki," Thor said, cupping his brother's cheek with one large hand, and wondering why a stray tear had dampened his thumb.
"No!" Loki shrieked, trying to push Thor away. "You would not punish me that way!"
"No Loki, I do not intend to force you," Thor said with a laugh. "I wish to take you for mine own."
"Get away from me, monster!"
"You do not wish to be mine?" Thor asked, feeling slightly hurt. "I thought you loved me?"
"I hate you!" Loki shrieked. "I would kill you before I would ever let you defile me!"
"Loki…" Thor said. "That is very mean."
"I hope it rots off, you pestiferous letch!" Loki snapped. "Now let me up!"
"You truly do not wish to lay with me brother?"
"Why on earth would I want to do that?" Loki asked. "You are the most repellent creature I have ever had the misfortune to meet, and I have laid with Trolls."
"You have lain with Trolls?" Thor asked, his mouth dropping open in surprise.
"Oh yes, brother," Loki said, "and they really are the disgusting creatures that Odin led us to believe, but I would rather couple with a whole clan of them, than have your hands upon me."
Thor sat back on his heels, and sighed. Was he really that repugnant? Did his brother really hate him so much that he did not want to lay with him? He leaned over and plucked Mjolnir from Loki's chest, then watched as he haughtily climbed to his feet.
"Do you really think I am vile, brother?" Thor asked, as he looked up at Loki.
For a second he thought he saw a sheen of tears mist over his brothers eyes, then Loki slapped Thor hard across the face, and knocked him onto his back.
Loki leaned over Thor and said, "Don't ever touch me again."
Loki vanished, leaving Thor alone on the roof, feeling dejected and worthless. He would not try that again, and he hoped one of the others would be more successful in this quest than he had been. Thor wasn't really sure what a Macy's was, but he still didn't like the idea of being naked in it.
"It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fineeeee," Tony sang.
"Shut up, Tony," Cap shouted, "and concentrate on bringing that thing down!"
"It's not a thing, its Godzilla," Tony replied.
"I don't care what its called just attack it!" Steve shouted, as he tried to clear the street of civilians before the giant green… well, he'd have to call it a dinosaur… started stepping on them. "Hawkeye, Widow, any luck on tracking Loki down?"
"He won't be far away," Hawkeye replied, as he piloted the Quinjet between skyscrapers. "I doubt he'd miss seeing this."
"What's that over there?" Natasha said, noticing something reflecting the sunlight from the top of a nearby building. "Is that him?"
"Little goat headed bastard," Clint snapped. "Let's take him out."
They turned the Quinjet, heading towards the Chrysler building where Loki was stood on one of the flat corners, grinning like a lunatic and directing Godzilla to hump a bus like a dog.
"Loki," Natasha said over the PA system, "Send Godzilla back wherever you got him from!"
"It's Gojira, you dull hag!" Loki shouted, then he leapt forward onto the nose of the Quinjet, and suddenly realised the green beast had made that look a lot easier than it actually was when it had jumped into the mouth of the leviathan. His hands scrabbled at the smooth metal for a moment, then he fell off, and plummeted to the street below.
"Do you think he's dead?" Clint asked.
"I live in hope," Natasha said.
"Guys, what just happened?" Tony asked over the comm. "Godzilla's going a bit wacky."
"Loki fell off a building," Natasha said. "We're heading down to street level to check out what's going on."
"Get down there quick, and find him," Tony said.
"We're almost there," Clint said, as he aimed for Lexington Avenue, landing the Quinjet neatly between crushed cars.
Clint grabbed his bow as they headed towards the back of the Quinjet and opened the door. They moved out, taking shelter behind a car as Iron Man flew overhead shooting his repulsors at Godzilla, which roared, and flickered in and out of existence like detuned TV channel. It roared once more, finally vanished, and the car it was holding in its claws fell to the ground.
"Let's go," Natasha said, and they made their way to the corner of the building where Loki had fallen. When they rounded the corner they found a car with its roof stoved in, thin streaks of blood trickled down the doors, but Loki was nowhere in sight.
"What the hell does it take to kill these guys?" Natasha asked. "He fell nearly a thousand feet, and he walks away with a few scratches?"
"We need to find him," Clint said.
"Time for some revenge, eh?"
"No," Clint said. "I'm gonna flirt with him."
"What?" Natasha exclaimed. "You're actually gonna try that?"
"Four words: Tony. Naked. Store Window."
"I see your point," Natasha said. "I guess we follow the trail."
There were drips of blood on the sidewalk, every few steps, which betrayed the direction Loki had headed, and it wasn't long before they found him, clinging to the railings in Bryant park, almost bent double, with one hand clutching his chest, and clearly in some pain.
"OK, maybe it was more than a few scratches," Natasha said, and then they watched as Loki said a few words, and moved his hand over his chest, then stood up straight. "Anddd it's back down to a few scratches."
They looked up as Iron Man flew across the sky above them, then Clint plucked a flower from the closest display and quickly attached it to the shaft of his arrow.
Natasha raised one eyebrow at him, and he shrugged, then placed the arrow in his bow, as Loki took off across the grass.
Clint released the arrow and watched as it soared over the park, trailing the flower in its wake. Every single time he had shot an arrow towards Loki in the past the god had taken great pride in catching it, then flashing Clint a disdainful grin, but this time something was different. Loki was looking up at the sky, and hadn't noticed the approaching arrow.
"Turn around, turn around!" Clint said under his breath, and then he looked up and noticed the trail of green smoke in the sky. A shriek pulled his attention back, just in time to see Loki staggering about the grass with an arrow sticking out of his ass.
"Oh shit!" Clint said,
"You fool!" Loki shouted, grabbing the arrow and pulling out of his backside with an indignant squeak. "You think you will win by sticking me in the rump? It takes a lot more than that to bring down a god."
Loki raised his hand and threw a blazing ball at of green flames directly at Clint and Natasha, which hit them both in the chest, and knocked them on their backs. Clint lay there dazed for a moment as Loki created several clones which headed off in different directions, then realised what the green smoke was, and what exactly had gone wrong, as Stark blazed through the sky writing " I 3 Loki" in the air.
"I'm gonna kill Tony when I get my hands on him," Clint said.
Steve and the Hulk were heading down the street, back towards the Chrysler building, to help with the hunt for Loki, when the god appeared before them in the street.
Loki knew he hadn't traveled far, and felt slightly dizzy from his prolonged use of magic, and the injuries he had sustained in his fall. He staggered slightly, and placed a hand on a car to steady himself, then gathered his strength to try and create more clones, but instead felt large hands grab him from behind and he found himself being thrown the window of a nearby restaurant.
"Did you have to do that?" Steve asked the Hulk, who sniffed and shrugged his shoulders in reply. "You know it's going to make it really difficult to invite him to dinner now. You've probably put him in a terrible mood."
Loki pushed over the remains of a smashed table, and hauled himself painfully to his feet. He coughed and spit out a mouthful of blood, then used his dwindling magic to heal the worst of his injuries, but found himself too exhausted to do anything more.
Steve entered the restaurant, and Loki glared at him, attempting to gather enough strength to create a clone or a blast of fire, but he could summon no more than a few crackling sparks.
"You know… I hear they do a great steak here," Steve said, and then he leant over and plucked a card from one of the few still standing tables. "The desert menu looks great too."
Loki moved, backing away with the grace and wariness of a cornered feral cat.
"You like desert?" Steve asked. "I bet you'd like the Coconut crème pie. Maybe we could get together and both have pie one evening?"
"Your attempts to distract me from my purpose with idle chitchat will not succeed," Loki said.
"I'm not trying to distract you," Steve replied. "I was inviting you to dinner."
"And why would a god eat dinner with a pathetic mortal?"
"Thor eats dinner with us pathetic mortals all the time, he seems to enjoy it."
"My brother would enjoy dining in the company of a dozen rotting corpses, so that does not surprise me in the slightest."
Steve placed his shield on the table, held his hands up to show he meant no harm, and began to edge towards Loki, who backed away nervously.
"What do you say?" Steve asked. "We could maybe see a show, or visit a gallery, then grab some dinner?"
"If I visit a gallery it will be for the purposes of razing it to the ground."
"If a gallery isn't your style, maybe we could have a picnic in central park?" Steve said, still edging closer until there were no more than a couple of feet between them. "We could watch the sun go down over the city, then see where the night takes us."
Loki cocked his head to one side, his lips curling into a smirk, then he backhanded Steve across the face, and sent him crashing across the restaurant.
"You are foolish to believe you can defeat a god," Loki said. "This realm will be mine, and there is nothing you can do to stop me."
"This isn't fair," Tony whined at Clint. "You guys keep cockblocking me. I haven't even been able to get in any of my best moves yet."
"If you wish to seduce my brother I will not stop you," Thor said. "I want no part in this."
"So that's one down," Tony said, then he looked at the Hulk, "And you aren't in on this, so that leaves just Hawkeye, me, and Cap. Speaking of which, where the hell is he?"
The Hulk raised his hand, and pointed at the broken restaurant window, then they heard a crash from inside, and Loki staggered out of the door.
"Have you come to be bested as well?" Loki asked, looking considerably worse for wear.
Clint moved forward to speak, when Tony placed his hand on his chest and said, "You've had your chance, cupid. It's my turn now."
"The hell it is!" Clint replied.
Loki stood, amused by seeing the so-called heroes squabble amongst themselves, and then he saw the Hulk roll its eyes. The creature leaned over, grabbed Loki by the waist, and hoisted him over his shoulder.
"Er, what are you doing?" Tony shouted.
"Put me down you oaf!" Loki shrieked, kicking his feet wildly, but the hulk had him held tight with one arm around his thighs.
"Hulk bored with your fighting," he replied, and patted Loki gently on the behind. "Hulk seduce little horny man now."
"What?" Loki shouted, but there was no time for a reply, before the Hulk bounced out of the street, and disappeared from view.
They crashed through the roof of an old warehouse, terrifying pigeons, and sending half the structure collapsing in on them.
Loki shoved broken rafters and scraps of metal off himself, then jumped to his feet, pausing to wipe dust from his trousers briefly, and then the Hulk started to stand.
"You! Stay away from me!" Loki shouted, moving backwards. "I will not allow you to manhandle me again!"
"Hulk smashed puny god. Puny god got back up again. Puny god not so puny."
"No, I am not, and I will smite you if you come any closer!" Loki said, still backing away.
"Not so puny god needs a hug from Hulk."
"Excuse m-" Loki tried to say, but suddenly found himself engulfed in the Hulks green body, as its arms pulled tight around him and crushed his face into its unexpectedly hairy chest.
Loki struggled for a moment, trying to push the hulk away, or squirm out of his tight grasp, but soon realised he was going nowhere. He twisted his head as far to the side as he could to get a look at the ruined warehouse, and then conjured a single clone standing high on the rubble.
"What a dismal creature you are," The clone spat. "Look at you, you pathetic wretch."
The hulk raised one of its hands from Loki's waist, and gently ran it over his head, stroking his hair in a comforting gesture.
"Hulk not fooled easily by tricks. Hulk not Thor."
Loki couldn't help the giggle that escaped his throat, and then said, "No, but Thor did tell me you smashed him too. I did enjoy hearing about that."
Loki let the clone fizzle out of existence, and realised there was very little he could do to prevent this… attack. He held still, settling into the embrace, and hoping it would be over soon, but as the hulk started to rock them slowly from side to side and hummed gently, he felt the terror begin to leech from his body. It really did seem as if the beast did not intend to hurt him this time, and as his cheek moved against the monsters chest he realised just how soft and pliant it's skin was.
"You do not mean to injure me?"
"No, not so puny god needs special Hulk hug to feel better."
"Why, I feel better already," Loki lied. "You can let me go now."
The Hulk leant down and planted a kiss on the top of Loki's head, a curious gesture, which he had to admit did feel quite nice, and then he found himself released from the creatures grip. Despite his urge to run, Loki decided to stand his ground, and prove that he would not be so easily threatened again.
The Hulk raised one hand and ran it tenderly down the side of Loki's head, his fingers moving down, then cupping Loki's chin, and he said, "Hulk want smash puny gods ass."
Loki glared up at the hulk for a second, and then cast his eyes down the impressively muscled green body till they centered on its crotch. Loki lent forward and pulled at the stretchy waistband of the giant's trousers and noted that everything about his body was completely in proportion.
"Yes," Loki said, looking up, "I might just let you do that."
Bruce woke early, squinting at the early morning sun that was pouring through the windows of Loki's super secret hide out, that actually turned out to be a rather non-descript suite on the top floor of a moderately priced hotel.
Loki was facing away, sleeping curled on his side, with a remarkable case of bed head, as his inky black hair fell over his face. His back and arms were littered with bruises and scratches, old scars and fresh ones, and Bruce wondered how many of those he had inflicted himself in his confrontations with the god.
He had the sudden urge to touch Loki, and ran his hand over his shoulders, then down his side. Bruce watched a smile play at the edges of his mouth, and Loki moaned slightly, his spine undulating like a cat as he arched into the contact. He turned over to face Bruce, opened his eyes, and then scowled.
"You are considerably less attractive in this form," Loki said, as he eyed Bruce, and realised he was completely in proportion and noticeably smaller everywhere. "Where is the other one? Bring him back. I wish to couple again, and you will simply not do."
"You can't just order me around."
Loki raised an eyebrow and said, "I am a god. I do what I want, and I do not want you."
"I'm not letting him out."
"Bring the beast out NOW or I will throw you out of the window, without your underwear on."
Bruce felt his anger start to creep up, annoyed by Loki's threats and his contempt, he suddenly realised sex had been somewhat lacking in his life lately. 'What the hell, it was pretty good,' he thought, and let the transformation take over.
Hulk smashed his fists into the pillows either side of Loki's head, mere inches from his face, and roared.
Loki laughed, his eyes flashing with excitement, and he said, "Now that's more like it!"
"I need to get back to Stark Tower," Bruce said, as he pulled on what was left of his pants, and mercifully found his wallet was still in the buttoned pocket so he could at least catch a cab, rather than wander the streets shirtless.
"Yes, I'm sure you have very important matters to attend to," Loki said, as he stood in front of a full length mirror and made sure every single inch of him looked perfect. "Things aren't just going to smash themselves, are they?"
"I don't only smash stuff. I help with the science too."
Loki scoffed, and said, "Your mortal science does amuse me. You are all so backwards when it comes to your understanding of things."
"Are you trying to make me angry again?"
Loki stopped combing his hair for a second, he raised an eyebrow at Bruce through the mirror, and said, "Does hearing the truth make you angry?"
"Does the truth hurt you?"
"And tell me, what truth could one so lowly as you tell a god?"
"Oh, I'm lowly?" Bruce said, feeling green skin starting to bloom on his back. "At least I'm not the one who could only got laid as part of a bet!"
"What?" Loki asked as he turned angrily, and suddenly Bruce regretted letting that bit of information slide out. "Tell me what that means, or I will cast you into a realm so dark even the beast will fear for its life."
"It was a bet. We made a bet to see who could get you into bed first."
"I was a wager?" Loki snarled. "You bedded me for a wager?"
"Yeah… kinda, but no, not really, well yes. Are you going to try and kill me now, because the other guy won't like it."
"And why exactly would I be the subject of such a wager?" Loki said, narrowing his eyes.
"We thought if you got laid you might feel a bit better and not cause so much trouble."
Loki glared at him for a second, and then he laughed, almost bent double, and when he stood up he wiped his eyes and said, "Forgive me, but that is quite the most amusing thing I have heard in a long time."
"You aren't going to kill me then?" Bruce asked.
"How could I kill something that has entertained me so much?" Loki said. "Look at me. Do you really think that one as fine as I does not get sex anywhere, and any time they please?"
"I never really gave it much thought," Bruce said.
"Pathetic creature!" Loki said. "I spent most of last week attending an orgy on Vanaheim. I coupled with a fire demon in a volcano on Muspelheim just yesterday, and the day before that I rutted with Nidhogg for quite some time."
"Nidhogg?" Bruce asked. "What's a Nidhogg?"
"He's a dragon. He lives on Nifleheim, so you probably don't know him," Loki said. "He has terrible personal hygiene, but he is very adventurous, so that more than makes up for it."
Bruce stood for a moment, thinking of all the ways he was going to kill Tony slowly and painfully for getting him into this situation, and then Loki said, "So tell me Jester, what was the forfeit on this wager?"
"Tony has to appear naked in a store window for 10 minutes."
Loki laughed again, and said, "Oh, I think this is too good an opportunity to miss. Besides bedding me, what else do you have to do to be declared the winner?"
"Security breach!" Tony shouted, as he fumbled with the coffee pot when Bruce walked into the kitchen of Stark Tower, followed by Loki.
"Do calm down Stark, there's a dear," Loki said, nonchalantly. "I can assure you I mean you no harm."
"What's he doing here?" Tony asked.
"It's fine," Bruce said, and then he turned to Loki. "You're going to behave yourself sweetheart, aren't you?"
"Of course," Loki said, sweetly. "As if I would do anything to hurt you, my little flower."
Bruce casually wrapped an arm around Loki's shoulder, and was rewarded with a gentle smile, as Loki snaked his arm round Bruce's waist, and pushed his hand into the back pocket of his jeans. Tony grimaced, and clutched the coffee pot to his chest, hoping it would act as some kind of shield from the sickening lovey-dovey display before him.
"Would you like coffee or tea?" Bruce asked.
"I'd love some tea, darling," Loki replied.
"Sit down then, and I'll make you some," Bruce said as he ushered Loki to a chair, then went to the cupboard and pulled out a box with Japanese symbols on the side, and held it up. "Is this OK, I thought we had Earl Grey and Chamomile, but Steve must have had the last of that."
"That will be just fine. I like green tea," Loki said, and then he looked at Tony, and smiled. "I like my men green too."
Bruce put the kettle on to boil, and placed two teabags in cups, and then turned to smile at Tony, who was still rooted to the spot.
"On that subject, if you are green, and I am naturally blue," Loki said, "what colour do you think our children will be?"
"Aquamarine?" Bruce replied.
"Perhaps they would be a nice shade of Teal?" Loki said. "I've never had a Teal child before. Won't that be lovely?"
"Teal is actually one of my favourite colours," Bruce said.
Tony smashed the coffee pot down on the counter, and said, "Can I see you outside for a second?"
"Sure," Bruce replied, and then he followed Tony out of the room, pausing to give Loki a smile and squeeze of the shoulder as they left.
Tony slammed the door shut behind them and said, "What the hell are you doing bringing him here?"
"I thought this was what you wanted?" Bruce said. "I gave him a hug, and it worked. He's not that bad when you get to know him."
"So he's all better now? One hug and he's suddenly sane?"
"It took a little more than a hug…"
Tony cringed, and said, "Oh tell me you didn't actually go through with that?"
"Tony…" Bruce said, moving closer and lowering his voice, "I hadn't been able to have sex since my accident till last night."
Starks mouth dropped open, and he said, "At all?"
"When my heart rate rises I… hulk out," Bruce said quietly.
"Oh…" Tony replied. "That could end up quite messy really couldn't it?"
Tony paused a moment, and then his curiosity got the better of him, so he asked, "What was it like?"
"Not that different from fighting him. Lots of screaming, and cursing, and hair pulling," Bruce said. "You'd be quite surprised actually. He's very bendy."
"Oh… I've heard enough," Tony said queasily. "Screw the coffee, I'm going back to my workshop.
"By the way, I think you need to give Macy's a call," Bruce said, as Tony stalked off down the corridor. "Maybe you should get a bikini wax too."
"A bizarre sight today on West 34th street as Iron Man, Tony Stark, appeared naked in Macy's department store window for a full 10 minutes. Stark was later arrested for public indecency, but released without further charge after the intervention of the Mayor. We'll have more on this story later."
Tony turned the TV off, and sighed heavily. He wished he'd never made that stupid bet, but of course he would never let anyone know that.
"I found some more pictures on twitter," Clint said, looking up from the laptop, then turning it round so everyone could see Tony in all his naked glory, with his face a subtle shade of beetroot red.
"Knock it off Clint," Tony said. "The moment has passed. No-one's interested anymore."
"I'm kinda interested," Steve said.
"You want a little Stark naked action too?" Tony asked. "Because you know, that could be arranged."
"I'm more interested in the part where you embarrassed yourself in front of the whole world."
"Oh really? Do I look embarrassed?"
"You do in this photo," Clint said, turning the laptop around again.
"As far as I'm concerned I took one for the team, and everything worked out for the best," Tony said. "Loki's fixed, so no more super villain shenanigans, Bruce is getting some at last so he's a lot happier, and everyone in the world has seen how big I actually am, so the offers will come flooding in."
"I wouldn't exactly say big," Natasha said.
"Oh hush, you," Tony said. "You're just sad you didn't get me while you had the chance."
"I had a chance?" Natasha asked. "I'm sorry, I was too busy being distracted by your lousy personality to notice."
Tony gasped mockingly, and said "Oh, I'm completely crushed."
A vibration came through the floor, followed by another.
Tony held his hands out, and said, "What the hell was that?"
"Er guys…" Steve said, from the other side of the room. "I think we need to suit up."
They all moved towards the window, gasped in unison, then ran for the elevator, as King Kong hauled himself up to stand on top of the Empire State Building, while Loki sat on one of his mighty shoulders, and blew a kiss towards Stark Tower.