FUS-RO-BUURP


Tali Zorra Vas Normandy followed behind Commander Shepard like she was playing the ever popular children's game; the floor is lava. Of course, being that this was omega, the floor may as well be lava, to someone with an immune system like her. Tali estimated that should she have a suit rupture, that she would last a whole 30 seconds before she died of some disease that they were undoubtedly going to name after her later. In some areas, the air alone was so nasty that it actually condensated on her visor as a slimy green substance that constantly needed to be wiped off..

And the floors...

Don't even get her started on the floors.

Afterlife was legendary in that they never really had a 10-second rule, should anything ever touch the ground. It was a 10-inch rule. A thick miasma of bodily fluids, waist, and bacteria, had long been collecting into a primordial soup; that was a little sunlight away from actually becoming sentient and applying for an embassy at the Citadel.

Luckily for the quarian, nobody else seemed to be that enthusiastic to be here, so maybe their combined discomfort will speed Shepard up. Having spent the day shopping for guns, and other supplies, the commander always like to come to afterlife for a drink before having to return back to the Normandy.

However, instead of their usual friendly salarian bartender, there was a batarian that'd been giving the specter dirty looks, the second he walked in.

"Honestly Commander," Miranda griped as she dutifully followed her superior officer "I don't know why you keep coming to this piss hole, I'm pretty sure that they're not even checking the labels for dextro, or amino acid customers..." she was going to continue, but she found that she couldn't look away from an elcore and asari stripper make out in the corner of the club. She shuddered as she realized there they were using full tongue.

"I like this this place. It's got something that you don't normally find in those fancy shmancy places, like the that Infinity Lounge"

"Eternity" Miranda corrected, and shepard rolled his eyes.

"Whatever"

Jacob eyed a used condom on the ground and blanched "Yeah, this place definitely has quite a few things that you don't normally find..."

"Bah" Shepard waved a dismissive hand, and craned his head to Zaeed, who was busy eyeing the bartender with a distrustful glare. "Zaeed! Mah man, you've got my back on this, right?" The old warrior looked conflicted, like he agreed but really wished that he didn't.

"... It is a pain in the arse to order a shot of whiskey, when the fruity son-of-a-bitch next to me is ordering an Appletini."

"See! There's a little something here for everyone, if you know where to look." The statement was actually kinda true. Nobody noticed the absence of a certain scientist salarian, as he was currently in the men's room, collecting samples from the door handles to further improve his Neural Shock gas.

The commander leaned against the bar, and contemplated what he was going to order when a drink mysteriously appeared in front of him. He blinked at it, then looked up to see the Batarian bartender give him a knowing smirk. "Here human, on the house..."

"Holy crap this is awesome!" The commander gestured over to the unscrupulous looking non-human. "You see this? That's another reason to love this place. You think that he cares that I'm Commander Shepard? The man that Badass Weekly ran the numbers on, and determined that i'm like, the third leading cause of death of batarian mercenaries across the entire galaxy? No! He clearly understands the importance, of the fine bond of customer/consumer relationship that makes the world go round."

One of the bartender's four eyes began to twitch "Oh, you're THE Commander Shepard? Well in that case, i've got something special just for you..." Admittedly, the bartender just wanted to poison him for being human, but Commander-goddamned-Shepard? Oh god, this man has to die.

Pulling the drink under the bar, he poured it out, and reached for another bottle in the back. Inspecting the label he smiled. Extra Strength Vorcha Be Gone! For when they absolutely, positively, gotta die... He then turned the bottle over, and saw that the instructions called for the poison to be diluted 1/1000 before use.

He poured him a full shot...

The commander smiled, and licked his lips as the noxious green liquid was presented in front of him. Most of the squad members sensed that something wasn't right, but before anybody could protest, he downed it.

"WHOO!" the commander said, his face scrunching up "That has a hell of a kick to it." Shepard coughed and gestured to the door "C'mon... you guys... lets..." The commander bent over, using one hand to support himself on the bar, the other clutched his stomach, he began to go pale. Tali was instantly at his side.

"Shepard? Shepard! Keela, are you are alright?" Miranda already had her Omni-tool on, and was trying to scan him. "His Implants are showing some sort of toxic shock, and are resisting." She stood up and looked around frantically "Where the hell is Mordin?"

The bartender watched with a smirk, that soon faded as he realized that the human he'd poisoned wasn't going down as fast as he wanted. That Vorcha poison would eat through a shuttle, he should have died damned near instantly. Shepard continued to hold the bar for support.

Gurgle...

The Batarian took a step back as Shepard put a hand over his mouth, and looked like he was going to hurl.

"Nooo..." he said cautiously, and started working the lock to try and exit the bar. Shepard turned a distinct shade of green, and leaned further over. His stomach gurgled again, this time loud enough to be heard over the throbbing music.

"Noooooo..." He warned again, desperately trying to escape, and only finding that the lock on the poorly maintained bar was jammed.

"Uh... I... not feel... so goo- URK" His stomach bulged, and he finally couldn't hold it anymore.

The batarian watched, as that huge bulge worked it way from his stomach, up his chest, and finally to his cheeks.

"NONONONONONO!"

Unable to hold it, Commander Shepard opened his mouth, and let loose the biggest, nastiest, ground shaking belch that'd ever been known in the galaxy. It was so strong, so powerful, that it just came out as green tinted wave of disgusting force. As it moved, the metal finish of the bar table began to corrode, and decayed, as the gastrointestinal rage marked its very clear path.

Which was right at the terrified bartender.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!11!1!" The batarian screamed in pure terror, as the ripple in the air slammed into him, he tried to put up his arms, but it was of no use.

A combination of sheer force, and the insanely corrosive poison, made something that would be considered a war crime, if ever reproduced in council space. The batarian pretty much melted, like he'd just opened the Arc of the Covenant or something.

The Commander now found himself in an awkward moment as dozens of people, of all races, stared at him in an eerily silent Afterlife. If his throat wasn't so sore he would have sighed, as he realized that he was probably going to get banned from this place too... (You don't even wanna know what happened at the Dark Star, though i will tell you that it involved the Citadel water supply)

"err.." he cleared his throat, his mind going into damage control mode "...better out, than in?"

Tali was the first to break the silence, as started staggering away. Muttering things like, 'going back to the Normandy', and 'just threw up in my suit'.

Samara, in a feat that nobody would have thought possible, finally showed her first real emotion on her eternally serene face. Sure, it was a look of horror, but many felt that it was a step in the right direction. And Thane... Oh god, poor Thane.

The Drell just sort of sat there, with an empty look on his face. His mind possessing the fact that he was going to remember what he'd seen here, in perfect clarity, for the rest of his thankfully short life. Suddenly, Keppler's syndrome was kinda awesome.

"Riiiight..." Shepard said. Stretching his arms, like he'd had a exhausting day of accidentally melting people, and felt that he had to get some rest "I'm just gonna go hit the ooold dusty trail here..." He only made it a few feet before Grunt, who'd been stunned into silence the whole time, threw himself at the commander's feet and wrapped his arms around his leg.

"B-BattleMaster! It's you! You are the one that legends speak of! The one they say who's born with the soul of Kalros herself! You are Tovhakiin!"

"Tova-what?"

"Thesher Born!" the quarter-ton super krogan boomed gleefully. A look of pure admiration in his eyes. "Please battlemaster, you must teach me the ways of the Thresher shouts!"


LOL Thresher shouts...

Anyway, these are just gonna be random moments in the Mass Effect Universe. No particular order, just whatever strikes me as funny at the moment.

I'll be honest, I almost couldn't come back to this universe. Everyone who had a bone to pick, usually have their own reasons (Mostly it was the ending). Maybe it was my own fualt for having my expectations so high. I was sooo waiting for that satisfying moment when the council finally admitted that they were, in fact, fucking retarded. I wanted to see Harbinger burn in the sky, for being such a tremendous douche in part 2. I bent over backwards for the rachni, and the geth, hoping that i could engage in the final battle with allies that were, in fact, scarier than the reaper forces that i was fighting. (kinda like the final battle of Dragon Age Origins)

At the very least, i was at least hoping for that happy ending that Shepard so rightly deserved.

But in the end, it was 3 vs many. The Council still had to be dragged across the finish line, and for all of the forces that had been brought to battle; the only reason the reapers lost was because Harbinger didn't 'double tap'. Seriously, If he'd taken the time to finish off the crippled survivors (Shepard included) they would have won.

And all for an ending that i didn't even really understand.

I wasn't really angry, so much as i was disappointed. The whole ME universe just sorta became... disenchanted... if that makes any sense. And suddenly, I felt really stupid for having vested so many hours, and spending so much money on all of the DLC. (what the hell was the point of Pinnacle Station?)

For all of the joy BioWare has given me over the years, i'll give them another chance. I'll pick up whatever game they come out with next, I think they at least deserve that.

I just... I just hope they learn from this.

Anyway, sorry that put a little dark cloud over the humor of this fic.

Buuuut, since you're already here anyway...

V