The N7 heavy mesh, combat ready helmet was a true marvel of Alliance design, both for comfort, and utility, it offered to its user. It tapped into a series of sensors that feed into a clear plexiglass screen, that offered real time updates on an active Heads Up Display. It offered a multiband encrypted communications suite, and even worked in tandem with the soldier's currently held weapon, to offer an actual targeting reticle to assist in short ranged combat situations.
This miracle piece of armor could hermetically seal itself, protecting the user in the event of a chemical, biological, and even a radiological attack. It sported a controlled Audio Input system, that was able to recognize when the sounds of the surrounding environment became too loud for a soldiers safety, and dampen the environment.
However, the most important feature (and most relevant to our story) was that it could filter the audio output, because for the life of him, Commander Shepard could not stop saying "Dat ass..." every 13 seconds.
Unfortunately, there is just simply no tactful way of putting this, so i'm just going to go out and say it; Commander Shepard liked big buts, and he cannot lie...
Life, for the unfortunate Commander was already hard enough when he had to serve with women of such epic hips like Tali'Zorah, Miranda Lawson, and Kasumi Goto. But God help him, stepping onto the Quarian ship Rayya, was like stepping into the set of a Sir Mixalot music video.
My god, there's ass fo' daayys! The commander thought as all of the female quarians walked around, doing such provocative things, like bending over, standing there, and... well, breathing.
Tali's trial, dumbass! His brain scolded, and Shepard shook his head, focusing back on the conversation between Captain Kar'Danna and Shepard's engineer.
"...Charging you with bringing active geth into the fleet as part of a secret project."
Active Geth on a quarian ship? Holy crap that's bad! He looked to Tali, as she suddenly looked as if she'd been physically struck. "What!? That's insane! I never brought active Geth aboard. I only sent parts..." The sound of Tali's voice blurred out as his eyes wandered a little too far down again. Look at that! Penis said to his brain. Man, she could serve drinks on that! The Commander had no idea how long he'd been staring, but his visor finally fogged up and Tali's rear end disappeared behind a cloudy haze, thus breaking its hypnotic hold.
The Commander's helmet engaged its defogger, and his brain went into overdrive. Like a detective, he was trying to put the pieces together on what was going on, so he didn't look like a damned sex offender. His mind finally figured out, not a moment too soon, that Tali was introducing him to someone "Aunty Raan!" Tali cried out in joy, and threw her arms around the elder quarian "Commander Shepard vas Normandy, this is Shala'Raan vas Tonbay. She's a friend of my father."
"Oh! Yes! Hi! Nice to meet you miss Raan!" Shepard said and overenthusiastically shook her hand. "You have a very nice ship here!" Unfortunately the handshake went on for too long, and he began to sweat under the now suspicious gaze of the elder quarian. Her eyes squinted as she suspected that something was amiss... "Yes, it is nice to meet you as well Captain. Tell me, how are you finding your stay here so far?" Shala asked, as if she were a mother trying to gage an unscrupulous teenage boy that her daughter had brought home.
"Oh! Just uh... great! Your people have such wonderful round buts, and …" Shepard froze at his slip-up. No! Bad! his brain began to smack him with an imaginary newspaper That's a bad Shepard!
"Excuse me, but what did you say?" Tali's aunt asked in a less than amused tone.
"Culture! I said that your people have such wonderful culture!" He cried out, and Shala vas Tonbay crossed her arms.
"No you didn't. You sai-"
"Wait!" Tali interrupted "Did you just call me vas Normandy?"
Oh thank god! The Commander immediately jumped on the topic "Why, yes! Yes she did, Tali! Please explain in great detail, why that's bad."
"They've striped me of my ship's name. That's as good as declaring me exiled already..."
Holy crap! "Oh wow.. I see" Shepard said, and for the first time since being on this ship, did the gravity of what was going on finally strike him. Shepard went into business mode. "Are we still in the Arraignment process? Who's Tali's lawyer? Because, believe me I know a guy who can get anybody out of anything."
"No, Commander. I don't think that you understand." Shala said, while Tali tried to will herself to suddenly become invisible. "When a quarian is to be tried, he or she is to represented by their acting captain. And since her name is currently vas Normandy, that person is you."
"...me." He deadpanned.
"Am I being punked?" The commander asked, and began to look around. As if a two hundred year old Ashton Kutcher would suddenly pop out from behind the food dispenser, and have a laugh at his expense.
"No, you idiot!" Shalla'Raan shot back. She then began to squint suspiciously at him. "Are... are you retarded?" she asked. However, her question went unanswered as the commander just stood there, eyes glazed over, his brain was already running the title through his head.
And to his defence, it did sound a little rad. Commander John Shepard Attorney at Law.
x The Colorful World of Shepard's Imagination x
Admiral Han Garrel, who was of course wearing a top hat and monocle, continued to pace around the inside of a spacious 19th century courtroom, while twirling the thin mustache that'd been firmly glued to the front of his helmet.
Seated in the bleachers were hundreds of quarians, most of them were listening intently as he presented his case, while others stared hatefully at Tali as she sat in the defendant's table.
"... and as you can see, from this IRREFUTABLE evidence , that is quite obvious who committed such a heinous crime!" the admiral paused for dramatic effect. Everyone held their breath, then jumped when the elder quarian whirled around and pointed an accusatory finger at Shepard's Engineer "... It was in fact Miss Tali'Zorah! In the dining room! With the candlestick!" Everyone gasped.
The room was suddenly filled with the hushed whispers of hundreds of quarians. Certain things like 'i always knew she was a bad apple' and 'where did we go wrong?' were picked up out of the din. Admittedly, things were looking pretty hopeless for the unfortunate girl until...
"OBJECTION!" someone cried out, and everyone looked over and saw Commander Shepard, who was dressed suspiciously like Phoenix Wright (blue suit, slick backed hair and all) as he pointed an oversized finger of justice at the admiral.
"And what is the grounds of your objection?"
"I object on the grounds, that Admiral Garrel is a HUGE douchebag, and that Tali could never commit such a crime!" He said, and pointed at the young quarian female "I mean, look at that face! How can anybody accuse her, of anything?"
And indeed asTali sat in the defendant's seat, she looked adorably innocent. Shepard himself made the slight mistake of turning toward her, and recoiled in horror.
She was giving him a look that was a combination of shame, nervous hope, and sheer admiration for the man whom she believed could do anything. Staring at something that cute was like trying to stare directly into a star. Seriously, at that moment if Tali asked, he would go out and destroy Christmas, kick a puppy, AND turn down a Klondike bar!
And ladies and gentlemen, that is no joke. Commander Sheperd is a man, who loves him some Klondike bars...
"... My God..." the judge said, as he too made the mistake of looking directly at Tali. "O-Objection Sustained! Garrel IS a huge tool, and Tali'zorah will be acquitted of all charges."
Everybody cheered, especially Tali as she was instantly by his side "Oh Commander, you did it!" she said happily. Admiral Garrel, on the other hand, dramatically dropped to his knees and cursed Shepard for foiling his plans.
Suddenly, confetti dropped down from the ceiling and everyone was cheering "Shepard! Shepard! Shepard! Shep...
"...pard! Shepard! SHEPARD!" Admiral Shala screamed, and Shepard jumped. Looking around he realized that he must have lost himself in how totally awesome he was going to be today.
"Oh! uh, sorry. I gave it some thought, and i'll do it. When did the trial start again?"
"IT STARTED 20 MINUTES AGO, YOU IDIOT!"
XX Later that day XX
Commander Shepard sat quietly, and tried not to think about how uncomfortable he was, being sandwiched between Mordin Solus and Garrus Vakarian. The entiretly of Shepard's squad all huddled together on one side of the shuttle, trying to maximize their distance from Tali'Zorah as she sat alone on the other, and calmly stroked her shotgun. Not one of them were brave enough to risk their life for a little personal space. And to make things worse, they had at least another half hour before their shuttle would reach the Normandy.
Because nobody else was making a sound, every awkward cough, sneeze, and shuffle sounded almost impossibly loud.
Finally unable to take the silence, the commander finally decided to test the waters, and see if Tali was still mad at him.
"So... you, uh...still mad at me?"
"GARRUS!" Tali screamed, and the turian threw his arms up in front of his face and flinched. To his relief however, he didn't suddenly meet a violent death at the end of a shotgun. "Tell this boshtet that I am NEVER going to speak to him EVER AGAIN!"
"Yea, I'd say she's still pretty peeved, commander..."
"Aw, c'mon Tali! I managed to keep you from getting exiled, didn't I?" Shepard pleaded.
"You punched two admirals, right in the face, in the middle of of my trial!"
"They were asserting disingenuously at me! You know I don't like it when people assert disingenuously at me!"
"You took off your helmet, and sneezed on the Rayaa!"
"I-I didn't wanna blow snot all over the inside of my helmet! What else was I supposed to do!?"
"And what about going up to my Aunty Raan, and pinching her in the but!" Tali snarled, and the commander buried his head in shame.
God, he knew that one was going to come back to haunt him later. And the worst part, was that it wasn't what Tali thought. It was a case of mistaken identity; he thought she was Tali!
However, explaining that would be a lose-lose scenario for the commander, as he could either A: Keep his mouth shut, and let Tali think that he was enough of a misogynistic douchebag to hit on one of the few parental figures she's ever had in her life.
Or he could B: Tell her the terrible truth, that when in a large crowd, that he honestly could not tell one quarian from the other.
What do you want from him? They all wore the exact same thing! Jacob's muffled voice floated in from somewhere unseen, as he was buried behind grunt, and at least 3 other squad members. "Well, try to look at the bright side, you guys. You're practically celebrities! People are gonna be talking about that trial for years."
From on top of Zaeed's lap, Miranda nodded in agreement "Yes, I don't believe any captain, in quarian history, has ever gotten one of their crewmembers exiled, un-exiled, then ended it with getting himself exiled in one trial. It was actually quite impressive."
Mordin smiled "Very entertaining! Favorite part was when you screamed 'I am da law'" This caused everyone else (except Tali) in the shuttle to murmur in agreement.
Meh. I'm currently writing the next installment to Therapy at Muzzle Velocity, and this bit was too big, and the humor felt forced. I had originally deleted it, then went back and pulled it out of the recycling bin.
In all honesty, it just didn't feel right, and i don't even know why. I could use a little feedback, if you guys don't mind. It will probably help my overall work.