Summary: Mike Newton finally builds up the courage to ask Bella out - properly. Pure parody; sorry Mike fans. Enjoy.
I do not own 'Twilight', the characters or anything. This is purely for fun and for entertainment purposes only.
Okay. I thought to myself, screwing the lid on my jar of hair gel. Today's the day.
I was going to ask Bella out - properly.
"You can do this," I said, leaning my hands against the bathroom counter and winking at myself in the mirror. "You're hot. She likes you. You're a hottie."
I smiled at myself one last time and turned away from the counter.
Bella was already at school. I watched, mesmerized, as she flicked a few strands of her hair across her shoulder and leaned casually against Cullen.
My one true enemy. The Kryptonite to my Superman. The Angelina Jolie to my Jennifer Aniston. I hated that guy.
Bella was mine! She and I were destined to be together! We were like Romeo and Juliet; you know, minus the suicides; and he was that god-awful France, or whatever his name was. Paris. That was it. He was Paris.
He always got in the way. Whenever I tried to casually slip an arm around Bella before he got to class he always shoved me causally out of the way and kissed her.
I bet he can't even really kiss.
I bet it freaks her out.
I can kiss properly. I practise on my elbow all the time. But I always think of you Bella, when I do it!
Edward kissed down her jaw line and Bella swallowed.
Then I realised the truth.
That's it! Bella is only with him because he scares her!
And all I would have to do is protect her, tell her that he would never hurt her again.
I strolled past the two 'lovebirds', practising my new male model runway walk, and winked at Bella. She raised her eyebrows, obviously admiring my beauty, and not because she was confused. Not at all.
Edward glared at me, obviously because he was intimidated by my otherworldly charm, and not because he could read my mind and was horrified by my sudden thoughts involving passionately French kissing Bella. Not at all.
Mike, you are so paranoid. No one can read your mind. Chill. Relax. Chill-ax.
He turned his face away from mine. The poor child was clearly laughing to mask his fear and sadness at his obvious ugliness when compared to myself.
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Oh Bella, oh! You'll be mine soon, sweet Juliet! You'll be away from scary Cullen soon enough, my delicate peach-colored petal. My sugar-coated Christmas tree cookie.
Edward laughed out loud. Clearly deluded. Poor Cullen was losing it. Perhaps he could sense my love for Bella.
He was frightened, knowing that in a matter of hours his precious Bella would be sighing in my muscular, yet limber, not at all feminine arms.
Bella smiled as Edward kissed her, his hands weaving through her brown tresses.
Enjoy it while you can, Edward. It won't be long before she's smiling like that because of me.
Lunch was eventful to say the least.
Bella danced her way inside, glowing beautifully. Not the glow of a pregnant woman, but the glow of a pure angel.
No, Edward and Bella have not been intimate. No. NOT POSSIBLE.
I would be the one to delicately teach her the ways of physical love.
Soon Bella. Soon we shall dance.
Cullen wrapped an arm around her waist, holding her so firmly against his chest it was obvious he was marking his territory.
He might as well have peed on her.
I would never pee on Bella.
Well, only if she got stung by a jellyfish, cause pee stops the pain.
"Hey Mike," Bella said, interrupting my thoughts.
"I will pee on you, Bella!" I shouted suddenly.
Everyone burst out laughing.
"Uh…How sweet of you," Bella said.
YES! Of course Bella understood. She sat across from me, Edward following suit.
I decided playing footsies with Bella would be a nice flirtatious start to my wooing of her.
I slid my sneaker off and ran my toe up her leg.
She did nothing in response, so I pushed a little harder.
"Uh…," Tyler muttered. "Mike?"
He was obviously trying to ask me something, but I was too busy wooing Bella with my delicate footwork.
"Shh," I almost whispered.
Bella ran her fingers through Edward's hair and giggled in response to something he's said.
Oh he was sly, my competitor. I'd give him that.
"Mike?" Tyler asked again.
He blinked and me.
I ran my foot up higher, almost to her crotch.
"DUDE!" Tyler shouted, jumping.
Oh God. Oh God, Oh God, Oh God.
"What the hell? I don't feel that way, man!"
He stormed off.
"Uh…," the others muttered in unison.
Bella it was all for you!
Just as I was about to make my move, Edward stood and offered his hand to my lovely future wife. She took it - obviously too afraid to not - and turned to walk away.
"Oh, Mike?" She said.
"Yes?" I asked breathlessly.
"I'm going to leave Edward for you. Let's go to Vegas and elope. Oh, and I get so hot thinking about your manly body."
"I know someone, If you want to…," she paused gesturing to Tyler in the distance.
"He's great, he's an old friend of mine from Phoenix."
"I'm so proud of you Mike. Good for you! I'll get his number and give it to you tomorrow."
But she'd already gone, leaving with Cullen on her arm. He turned and smirked at me as he held the door for her.
'Better luck next time', he mouthed.