August 13th, another date on warped tour, Arizona to be precise. The show was exhilarating; I couldn't believe how much our fan base had grown, The opening tours for other bands thing must be working, Me, Tay, Cameron and Mike walked off stage, (Rob stays on stage longer, throwing out his drum sticks.) "That show was intense! I can't stop sweating!" I stated. We had never met Panic! At the disco before but when we did it was strange, the lead singer, Brendon was staring at me with the most distant look on his face and twinkle in his eye, I had ever seen as he passed me. But I thought that's how they were with everyone. Tay and me hung back to watch them perform. I couldn't help but Feel a little rise in my heart every time Brendon sang those few special notes.
" I have so much respect for that guy, he's so talented!" I say quickly trying to cover up as if someone can hear my thoughts. Though I feel my cheeks slowly burn red. Tay looked up at me from her askew short person view on life and replied with a confused, unsure tone in her voice "Well they have been around longer than us so, they're more experienced." I didn't mean it like that but I hoped Tay bought in to her own take on what I had said, Even though a bit of me wished she new this strange weird new feeling I had and wasn't sure if I liked.
Brendon's POV – On stage
Whoa who was that guy? I can't believe this is happening again. I'm married now. To Sarah, a woman. I can't keep having these homosexual tendencies. It happened once with Ryan mainly. But I can't keep letting these feelings pop up. I know I should stare at some chicks in the crowd to make me stop feeling this way. Suddenly the memory of Jordan wiping his sweaty face with his shirt showing his sweat shined abs pop into my mind. Oh god he really was that hot in all ways. A little peak couldn't hurt; I can feel him staring at me anyway. As I turn around I see Jordan smile slightly as I briefly look at god he was looking at me, well duh but LOOKING AT ME, looking at me. OH GOD! What was that?
The front row suddenly stopped and girls started screaming with higher pitches. All anyone was staring at was Brendon's trousers to find that suddenly they had, for some reason become involuntarily tighter. The shine in Brendon's eyes was if you could actually see all the excuses floating through his mind.
"You guys are so awesome you gave me a boner! Woops! Haha!" Brendon laughed swirling around to get a glimpse of Jordan's reaction to his…accident. He saw Jordan slightly smiling and a smile was instantly plastered across his own face as he finished the show with 'I write sins not tragedies.'
Brendon Brushed past a shirtless Jordan heading as far away as possible, when he heard a loud laugh from behind him. He swung around to see Tay and Jordan laughing hysterically.
Oh god I thought I wouldn't have to deal with this.
"Haha your fans must be hotter than ours right? That hasn't happened to me yet for sure!" The tall hot guy said.
I paused while they were laughing. Even though I knew I should've left then.
"Who were you looking at then?" He said in a slightly more serious tone then was expecting.
"Urm the blonde one at the front?" I said slightly confused by what he just asked me.
"Oh….Niceee Haha." He said Jokily smiling while turning around to leave.
I looked at the rest of the band. It wasn't just me that thought that was strange, I gathered they agreed by the way they were all shifting around looking at each other.
"Ok I'm going to shower now. Bye." I declared so they knew where I was. But suddenly I couldn't help but imagine Jordan in the shower with him, holding him.
As the hot water caressed Brendons contoured body, he began to think about his sexuality, what was that boner about was he attracted to that guy? What about Sarah? Was she just some lost fling? No. He couldn't think about this now. He was engaged but every time he thought of that guy's shirtless torso the boners came back. He thought of all his past girlfriends, and now that he had he realised that there wasn't actually that many. His first girlfriend was in high school; he remembered how one time she had tried to kiss him and he almost threw up. His second girlfriend he met in a café, She was nice, until she wanted to get physical. And his third girlfriend was Sarah. "Well we've had sex," he thought. But he remembered how occasionally he'd been able to persuade her to slip a finger or two in him. The thought of reciprocating the action to her hole though made him feel nauseous.
As Brendon got out of the shower, he realised there was one person he could speak to about it. Spencer.
"Hey Spence, can I talk to you about something?" I asked approaching the small table he was sitting at on our tour bus.
"Yeah sure." he replied as I sat down across from him.
There was an awkward pause where I considered not asking him and he was looking at me as if ready to say something along the lines of "just tell me." It was too late now obviously.
"Well…Do you remember that weird phase with Ryan I had?" I asked already looking down ashamed.
"Yeah…. Why?" Spencer replied squinting in suspicion.
"Well, yeah I think it might me happening to me again. With someone else" Brendon said waiting for a reply in what was actually a short silence but seemed like an eternity to him.
Spencer sighed "No way dude." He looked straight at me with one of the most serious looks I've seen since our band was having problems. "No way you're doing this bullcrap again! I'm not putting up with your antics. Choose which way you're going."
"No buts! You need to choose. You're lucky you don't have kids so you get a choice."
There was a silence as he stood up. I was infuriated at the advice he had just given me.
"I'M NOT GAY!" I screamed standing up to make myself level with him while blocking his path coincidentally.
"WELL IT'S CLEAR YOU ARE!" Spencer screamed right back at me. I hadn't realised how much my confusion had been infuriating him. I looked down for a few seconds to clear my mind of angry thoughts. When I looked up Spencer was clearly waiting for me to say something.
"I came to you because I thought you'd understand." I said pathetically. I hated how I sounded because it sounded like I was begging.
Spencer took a deep breath." I understood for long enough. Brendon, It's time for you to stop this moronic crap and just accept that you are gay."
I stared at him and took in his conclusion on my life.
"I like women Spencer. I am not gay." I wasn't even convincing myself let alone him.
"Are you listening to yourself? Why can't you just accept this!"
"Because it's too confusing right now! I thought this strangeness was gone."
"Well it's not, and I know you don't find it that strange. What's actually really strange is that you don't actually like fucking your own wife." He said taking a step towards me in frustration.
"And if you want proof here's your proof." Spencer grabbed my still slightly wet neck with his rough cold hands and pulled me into him, kissing me straight on the lips. My eyes popped open in shock I was not expecting that. I wanted to prove him wrong by pulling away or resisting in some way, but I couldn't help kissing him back. I was getting into it, as if it wasn't him, when Spencer pulled back and shouted "SEE YOU ARE SO GAY!"
"You're the one that kissed me though!" I said in defence even though I know I was still losing my own battle.
"But a straight guy" Spencer said while laying a hand on his chest, implying himself. "Would've pulled back immediately but you…"
Spencer began to laugh while trying to contain himself. "It's ok dude." Spencer said between sniggers. "Don't worry go for it"
I stared at him with my eyebrows raised as if I was amused, then turned around and headed for the door while Spencer continued to laugh. "Don't go Brendon!" Spencer shouted behind me mockingly. Infuriated I slammed the door shut and went for a walk. I remembered all the times I went to this lake nearby I found back in 2005 ish when Ryan and me used to argue about tracks on pretty odd. I could never argue back obviously. This was a good place to calm down. It was starting to get dark and you could see the reflection of the moon in the water. I was relaxed. I sat down beside the lake. I can't believe Spencer got mad at him for not admitting he was gay. It was, sort of, secretly the reaction I wanted from him though. But now the problem of who I am was over, now all I had to worry about was what to do about Sarah. Also, How could he forget that hot guy from back stage?" I could let her down nicely." I thought out loud. Suddenly a brief shocking idea popped into my mind. Kill her? Oh no that's too far he thought and considered other options. Text dump her? Flee the country and find a Mexican lover named Pablo? But then what would Spencer do without him? Frame her into thinking she broke up with me? Or maybe, just maybe I could just not tell her, and have the best of both worlds! As Brendon thought of these ideas he heard Spencer approaching…