I am not even trying to pay attention at this conference anymore; I do not see the point in doing so either way... I look around, and this is where our eyes lock. It is not a rare occurrence, however, it is still a moment long and meaningful enough for me to think.
If I were a bit different… If I were only a bit different, I would walk over to you and not pick a fight over any trivial thing to cover up my feelings. I would act friendly on a natural basis, I would smile and laugh openly, happily, comfortably. I would not be acting grouchily like I usually do and you, in turn, might actually enjoy my company for once.
I would not say that you annoy me out of fear I might instead tell you how admirable I think you are. I would not start listing your negative qualities without telling you how much I cherish them all.
I would, just once, not give in to this fear; I would not feel so vulnerable only because I have never felt so deeply for anyone as I do you, I would not be so afraid of rejection. Instead, I would use all those little tricks from my past that worked so well on people I never actually cared about. I would be light-hearted, honest and seductive.
Only I am not.
I cannot stay true to my feelings. I am not pleasant to be around, am neither cheerful nor self-confident; I am not like you. Instead, I am the impure, insecure, deceitful, cynical kind that I know you could never fall in love with...
Knowing I am right, I finally break the gaze and look away.
What a boring conference. Since Germany didn't allow me to take up more than half the speaking time, I sit, looking around the table instead. Suddenly, I catch your eyes. I don't know why, but I wonder…
If I were a tad different; if I were just a tad different, perhaps then, if you came over to talk to me, I wouldn't start a loud conversation for everyone to hear just because I'm unsure of what we would talk about otherwise, and I don't like feeling unsure. I might actually go outside to talk to you in private because in all honesty, I like being alone with you.
I would start reading the atmosphere… I usually don't because it would be too painful to always adapt to the mood, but if I were a tad different, I would disregard that this time.
This time, I wouldn't laugh it off if you told me you were cold; I would play along, because secretly, I like how awkward you are at expressing yourself.
This time, I wouldn't suddenly lose my nerve and laugh or act boisterous when those moments come around; the special moments in which – if it was in one of my awesome movies – you'd think the two characters are going to kiss or say something meaningful. If I were just a tad different, I would do nothing to stop that moment.
But… I'm not.
I'm not subtle or mature or deliberate. Instead, I'm a childish, inconsiderate, and most of all, completely confused guy who I know could never tell you just how much you mean to me...
You suddenly look away, and I know for sure that I am right.
Author's Note: Poor things. Let's hope they'll work it out someday ^^