Title: Only Armstrong may Sparkle

Summary: Title says all. Armstrong vs Edward, sparkling man vs a glittering pixie. Because vampires can't sparkle. Extreme Twilight-bashing.

Warning: Sparkling Vampires. That is all.

Useless shit no one will read: Armstrong is the only guy who can sparkle, period. Anyone else who does that sucks.


Edward's amber eyes stared blankly at the enormous man in front of him, his skin sparkling- quite literally- in the sunlight. The said man, Alex Louis Armstrong, stared back down at him with curiosity, his single hair pointing upwards.

"What, may I ask, are you doing?" Armstrong said.

"I'm a vampire. I sparkle in the sun. All vampires do that," Edward replied. "Oh, woe, the mention of me being a vampire takes me back to my love, how tragically we were separated…" He continued with his angsty rambling.

Armstrong narrowed his eyes. "Vampires burn in the sun, young man."

"No, they sparkle."

"I sparkle, but I'm not a vampire," Armstrong buffed out his chest.

"You're not sparkling," Edward retorted.

Armstrong's eyes were covered by a dark shadow. A spotlight that came from nowhere shone on him. "A man must be strong in order to sparkle!" Armstrong lifted up his arms and ripped his shirt off. "You, my dear boy, are not strong at all! I know of strong men, and you are not one!"

Armstrong, shirtless, started to sparkle. However, since he is a million times cooler than the glittering fairy princess, his sparkles were cooler.

Edward rolled his amber eyes. Then he felt something trickle over his body. He looked down and gasped.

He was in his underwear. And that day he decided to deck out in Dora the Explorer boxers- damn the world! Edward screamed.

"I can't find my clothes!"

Cedric Diggory walked up. "Ah, if you were me, you could find your clothes."

Armstrong blinked in surprise. "Mr Cedric! How nice of you to be here!"

Cedric smiled and waved (boys, just smile and wave) at Armstrong, flashing his brilliant teeth. "How are you, Armstrong?"

"Good thank you."


Armstrong looked at Cedric. Cedric looked at Edward.

Edward Cullen was never seen again.

Author's note: Short, but it has Twilight-bashing, therefore it has a million.