You're So Stupid
"Shit... Come on..." He typed in his password again.
"Dude, chill out and try again."
Zim rolled his eyes. "Alright." He typed in his password once more.
"Wow. You've been doing this for an hour and it's still denying you." Dib let out an amused chuckle. "I think you need a new password... And a brain to remember it..."
"WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!"
"This can't be right!"
"What?" Dib repeated, annoyed.
"Why are you 25 and I'm only 55?" Zim stared at the item in his hand. "This can't be right! I AM ZIM! This is madness, Dib: MADNESS!"
"Dude, chill out, it's just a..." Dib trailed off, before grinning widely. "You know what? I'm only gonna do this once and just milk it."
"Milk what? You mean like a cow?"
Pause. "...No... Milk it, as in brag about it."
"Oh." Another pause. "Okay, go on with your cow analogy that makes no sense to me."
"The reason I'm at a 25 is because my head is big," Dib admitted proudly.
"The WORLD knows that, Dib-human, but what does that have to do with Brain Age?"
"Simple: It means my brain is big and that I'm smarter than you... So HAH!"
"I don't think this is safe..."
"That's why you're wearing a helmet," Dib explained. "Now GO!"
"Wha-?" Zim had no time to fully react as he felt two hands immediately press hard into his back, shoving him forward. The basket he sat in fell forward off the first step at the top, and at first the basket seemed to be sailing smoothly down the steps, but that relief only lasted three steps down before the basket tipped over and Zim's face met the rest of the steps.
"OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!"
"Oh shit..." Dib covered his mouth to stifle his laughter as he watched his alien friend tumble down the stairs, each step slamming into his green face.
Finally Zim came to a grinding halt at the bottom of the stairs, face bruised and throbbing. "Ow..." he moaned, face buried into the carpet at the bottom, relieved his face at least had something soft to land on after twelve hard whacks in the face. A pair of boots appeared before him, and, wearily, he glanced up at the owner of said boots.
Gaz seemed highly amused, having seen the whole incident. She stared at Zim, arching an eyebrow. "Wow. That was actually pretty entertaining..."
Dib took a break from his chucking to respond to his sister's comment. "I wish I had gotten that on tape..."
"It's rather frightening... I don't think we should sit near her..."
"A woman's wrath is a man's grave." Dib grinned. "I just made that up myself."
"She can't still be angry at me..."
"Well you did ruin her life."
"Yeah, but I'm not like that anymore..."
"Oh, I beg to differ: You still scream randomly, rant, and declare yourself in everything you do."
"Yes but I know I'm a defect now," Zim explained, crossing his arms over his chest defensively.
"Well, at least you have the balls to admit it." If aliens even have... balls... Dib shook his head, turning his attention toward the female at the table across from him and Zim, who poked at her untouched lunch tray. "She still hates you."
"Then why would she come back?"
"Gee, maybe because she wants to kill you?"
"If she wanted to kill me, she would have done it already." Zim stood up, immediately walking forward toward the lone female at the lunch table across from their table.
Dib only watched Zim go, shaking his head. "Poor, stupid Zim... He has no idea how women can be." Seeing as how he acts like one most of the time...
Act natural. Zim plastered a grin on his face as he came up beside the lone female at her table. "Hello, Tak-"
"GO AWAY." Tak replied bluntly, not even looking up from her lunch tray as she continued poking at the human food on it.
"Okay..." Zim didn't have to be told twice... Not like before, anyway, when it took five warnings. He knew the drill.
Zim quickly scurried back to the table he shared with Dib, who only greeted him with an amused smirk.
"So... How'd it go?"
Zim only glared at Dib as he sat down beside him. "How do you think it went?"
"A woman's wrath is a man's grave," Dib repeated.
"... Shut up..."
"...Ugh... This sucks..."
"What?" Munching on some cotton candy, Dib turned toward Zim, who was hunched over beside him.
"That ride..." the alien moaned out, clutching his stomach.
"Which one? I can't recall," Dib asked innocently.
"That spiny one that SPINS!"
"The spiny one that spins." Dib nodded once. "That narrows it down."
Despite the nauseation in the pit of his squeedly-spooch, Zim growled. "You know what I mean, Dib-stink. This is YOUR fault."
"Hey, can you blame me for liking spiny rides that spin?" Dib began walking away, with Zim attempting to follow.
"Never let the Dib-stink pick the rides..."
"...You know, I'm starting to think you're becoming more and more human everyday..."
Zim scoffed. "Pfft. Yeah right. What's make you think that?"
"Hmmm... Maybe because you're reading US Weekly."
Zim lowered his glare. "You saw nothing, Dib-stink." He promptly continued reading, while Dib rolled his eyes and continued watching TV.
38. YouTube Video 1:
Overly Attached Girlfriend
The first Zim saw the girl appear on screen staring wide-eyed back at him with the Cheshire Cat grin, his own eyes widened. "Oh, this should be fun..."
"Hey, I just saw you with that lady... Paid for her dinner... That's kinda shady."
"Is she obsessed or something with this male she's talking about?" Zim asked, staring at the screen in confusion. "Cause I can't tell..."
"More like possessed," Dib scoffed, watching closely.
"I'll make sure soon I'll be your wife, you'll be my kid's dad..."
"Wait: WHAT?" The words came sputtering out of Zim's mouth in chuckles.
"...You'll be my kids dad... You'll be my kids dad."
Dib only lowered his head onto the desk table, uncomfortable by the song's lyrics.
The giggling from Zim stopped when the girl on screen stopped singing, the music still playing in the background. Her eyes still wide and that grin Zim found rather creepy. She seemed to be leaning in closer, her facial expression not changing.
Zim leaned back, a bit frightened. "What the...?"
"Just give it a sec," Dib replied, head still lying on the table.
Exactly one second later: "Nigh, nigh!"
Zim and Dib both burst out laughing.
39. YouTube Video 2:
A Tobuscus Literal Trailer
The next video that appeared seemed to be a trailer for a video game.
"Ooh, this looks interesting," Zim stated, leaning in.
"...Target comes out of his shelter... He's distracted by a feather..."
Zim burst out laughing, "He sure does seem to be distracted by that feather! Haha, the human singing is basically stating what is happening in the video."
"He's like, 'shoot me'. He likes feathers."
Dib turned, giving Zim a blank stare. "It took you a minute into the video to notice that?"
"He looks up when he remembers... Ooh, I love birds!"
The laughter from Zim came more hysterically when he heard that. "Who wrote these lyrics? They're GENIUS!"
"Nod at the bird and people die. Everywhere people die."
"I didn't know nodding at a bird could kill someone," Zim chuckled.
"You know, Gaz actually played this game but stopped halfway because of this video."
"Why? That would make me want to play it more!" Zim leaned in closer toward the screen. "I think I might want to buy this game."
"...and Target's still fine. Target nods and some other guards that were hiding in pillars come out and then take their formation, then Target pulls out his sword, then goes to smell his sword (not sure why)..."
Zim brought a gloved hand up to cover his mouth as he exploded with laughter once more.
"...Mysterious hooded man joined by other hooded people. YOU'RE NEXT."
Zim turned to Dib, still chuckling. "You hear that: YOU'RE NEXT."
"Shut up, Zim, this is the best part!"
"Oh!" Zim turned his attention back toward the screen. "My bad."
"RUN-NING. RUUUUUUUNNING. SLOW MOTION JUMP ATTACK!"
40. YouTube Video 3:
Zim's eyes widened a bit in confusion at the random bald green man with three long fingers on each hand who appeared on screen. A caption appeared beside the man that read, 'This is Salad Fingers'.
"What the fuck is this?" Zim asked, not bothering to turn toward Dib, for this odd video spiked his curiosity in a weird way.
"Hello. I like rusty spoons."
"Okay, his voice is CREEPY." Zim leaned back, away from the screen. His eyes were still wide. "And why does he like spoons? And why is he touching it all softly like that? WHY? TELL ZIM!"
"I don't know! Probably some weird fetish or something," Dib retorted, not taking his eyes off the video. Now this video he hadn't seen yet; he just clicked on it randomly because the video icon made him curious.
"...The feeling of rust... Against my salad fingers..."
"He sounds like an old pedophile," Dib stated aloud, eyes wide.
"...It's almost orgasmic..."
"AH-HA!" Dib pointed a finger at the screen. "I was right: It IS a fetish!"
"Hello there young child."
"Oh no..." Zim moaned, "Creeper alert!"
"Run young child!" Dib shouted at the screen. "Don't let him in your house!"
"I'm here to enquire about your rusty spoooons."
"DON'T LET HIM IN THE HOUSE!" Zim shrieked.
The child on the video appeared terrified, much to Zim and Dib's relief.
"...I see... Then I must leave..."
"Yeah, you better leave!" Dib yelled, "Don't make me get my rape whistle out!"
"You have a rape whistle?"
"...But first I'd like to caress this rusty kettle..."
"Now that sounded pornographic..."
A few minutes later...
"Today I'm having a little get-together, with my friends..."
"Let me guess; They're spoons right?" Zim asked, but his guess was quickly dismissed on it's own when Salad Fingers held up one hand, each finger covered with a puppet. "Oh: Nope! Finger puppets. Very cleaver, Salad Fingers: VEEEERY cleaver."
"Hello there chaps. Hubert Cumberdale... Marjory Stewart-Baxter... And this is Jeremy Fisher."
Dib burst out laughing, "I like that Jeremy Fisher is the only normal name in that weird bunch."
Zim noticed yet another child in the video who heard the not-so-terrified scream of Salad Fingers. "Oh Nooooo... That human child is going to-"
"-Be raped and dismembered by a creep who likes rusty spoons?" Dib nodded. "Yup, that sounds about right."
"NO, DON'T GO IN THE SHACK OR YOU'LL NEVER COME OUT!"
"...I've got a fish cooking in the oven..."
"He's gonna put the human in the oven!"
Zim gasped, "That weirdo! Always cooking up the children..."
"...But I just can't reach it..."
"Oh don't lie!" Dib scoffed, "You've got long-ass fingers! USE YOUR FINGERS, SALAD FINGERS!"
The child in the video began to peer into the oven, ever so slowly.
"It's right in the back... I can't thank you enough for..." Salad Fingers notices a rusty nail sticking out of the wall.
Dib raised an eyebrow. "I think he's gonna have an orgasm just looking at that rusty nail. That is the weirdest fetish I've ever heard of..."
Suddenly Salad Fingers stabbed his finger on the rusty nail, bringing blood.
Zim's eyes widened. "Judging by the look on his face and that moan... He's probably enjoying the pain."
"He's having an obvious orgasm by a fucking rusty NAIL." Dib shook his head. "I mean WHAT. THE. FUCK?"
Salad Fingers held up his bleeding finger. "I like it when the red water comes out... I like it when the... red water... comes out..." The screen turns white.
"OH SHIT! He's going all psychedelic on us!" Dib covered his mouth to keep from laughing.
"Cause he likes it when the red water comes out," Zim added, giggling a bit by the oddness of it all, despite how disturbed he felt by what he was watching.
Salad Fingers is now standing in a meat fridge. With one of his fellow finger puppets. "Hubert Cumberdale... Fancy seeing you here..." In response, the puppet did a quick demented face and roar before going back to normal.
Zim jumped, startled. "What the fuck was that?"
Salad Fingers comes back to reality. "I must have dozed off... That fish smells about done..."
Dib burst out laughing when the oven, now smoking, appeared. The laughter started abruptly when he realized that the kid from earlier was probably in there. "Ahhh... It smells like burning children."
The video ended.
Zim turned toward Dib with wide eyes. "Now I've seen some weird shit in my life... but that was just fucking disturbing."
A/N: Okay, blame the last 3 on a video series on YouTube called "Teens React". The three videos Zim and Dib watch ARE IN FACT REAL. And I've seen them. Salad Fingers is the most disturbing thing I've ever seen. XD
Not much to say. :P Except please review!