Pairings: Thor/Loki & Tony/Steve. Rating: M. Summary: Written for this prompt on Norsekink: Loki discovers slash fic on the internet. Naturally, he uses it to annoy Thor, Tony and Steve.
I haven't posted this here before because the formatting absolutely refused to work on one section of this fic, so if you want to see it in it's full... glory I suggest reading it over at AO3 (archiveofourown_._org_/_works_/_316226 remove the underscores)
~0~ MIDGARDIAN SMUT ~0~
Steve placed his laptop on the kitchen table, poured himself a cup of coffee and sat down to check his email. When Tony had first shown him a computer and the Internet he had thought he would never be able to master it, but it turned out to be pretty easy when you had someone on hand 24 hours a day who loved to show off how much he knew about technology.
He clicked on his email and started to read the first one. It was from his aunts great-great grand-daughter, a lovely little girl, just 8 years old, who regularly sent him photos and stories she had written. He loved that even all these years later, while everyone he had known was either old or dead, he still had family, a connection, in this world.
'Dear uncle Steve,' the email began, 'I wrote you a story in class. It is about how much I love you and how you are my hero. My second favorite person is Iron Man. I think you should kiss him.'
Steve thought that was a slightly strange thing for an 8 year old to be saying, but carried on reading.
'I think you and Iron Man should get married and when you do on the wedding night you should let him fuck you all night long with his hard weeping cock over and over till you beg for more.
Lots of love, Annie.
PS. Are you still a virgin?
Steve slammed the laptop lid down and ran to Tony's lab.
"So they don't have virus on their end… The IP address checks out, this is definitely the email they sent, but the text has changed?" Tony asked, as Steve put the phone down.
"Yes, Annie's mom said the start of the email is the same, right up until the part she says I am her hero, it's just the rest that is different," Steve replied.
"So she didn't write the part about me being her second favorite? Well, quite frankly I'm upset."
"Tony, can we concentrate on this?"
"OK, OK… Are your other emails normal?"
"I haven't checked them yet," Steve said and opened the first mail. "This one is changed too, it says I should enlarge my... you know what... by 2 to 3 inches and there's a link. Should I click on it?"
"God no, and please if anyone asks you if they can pay a million dollars into your bank account, DON'T send them your details. What's next?"
"Newsletter off a company I bought a CD from."
"Open that one."
Steve clicked the email and said, "It all looks fine. Latest offers, company news and… Oh."
Steve turned the laptop round pointed at the bottom half of the email, which said:
'OUR LATEST BLU-RAY DEALS: Get 50% off The 90 Year Old Virgin. The heart-warming tale of how Steve Rogers is tenderly relieved of his virginity by playboy Tony Stark. Get 50% off The Incredibly Well Endowed Hulk…'
Tony hit the back button, opened the next email and read the first line.
'"Harder, Tony, harder," Steve moaned, his legs bent up to his chest as…'
"OK, I've seen enough," Tony said.
"It's all of them?" Steve asked and Tony nodded. "Then how the hell is this happening?"
"Someone has to be intercepting the mail somewhere along the route and changing the contents somehow," Tony said, opening his own laptop and tapping on the keys. "All the emails came across different mail servers and the only one they all have in common is our server."
"What are you doing?" Steve asked.
"I am sending you an email," Tony replied, opening Steve's laptop again and clearing the inbox. "It should only go to our server. If someone's hacked into it, there should be a delay as they change the document."
Tony hit send and within milliseconds the email appeared in Steve's inbox. They both gathered round the laptop as Steve clicked on the email and their mouths dropped open.
The email was a crudely rendered ASCII picture of an erect penis.
"That's impossible," Tony said. "No one could alter it that quickly."
"Impossible?" Steve asked. "Or just inhumanly impossible?"
"Are you suggesting we have an alien in our mail server?"
"Maybe not an alien," Steve said. "Maybe a Norse god we know who likes to play tricks?"
"That little green bastard! I'm going to kill him."
"Stark!" Thor said, as he entered the room. "I have received a strange communication."
"Not you as well?" Steve asked.
"You have also received it? I hope you did not read it, it is most personal."
Tony took the laptop from Thor and opened the lid.
"Fury has sent me a message," Thor explained. "Do you know where he is? I would like an explanation for this smut."
'Subject: Memo to Thor Odinson.
Body: Thor kissed Loki greedily as he rubbed his finger against the Tricksters entrance, slowly pushing inside him…'
"Oh my god," Tony said, and turned the laptop away. "Steve don't read that. It's not from Fury. Someone has been tampering with the real messages and changing what they say."
"The only person we can think of is Loki," Steve said.
"You are suggesting my brother would send me a communication about how I ravish his body?" Thor asked, menacingly.
"Well…" Steve tried to back peddle. "Pulling a trick like this, it's kinda what he does…"
Thor pondered the idea for a moment, then looked up and shouted, "BROTHER! I know you can hear me! It would be wise to show yourself!"
A low chuckle came from the corner of the room and they turned to see Loki emerge from the shadows with a twisted smirk on his face.
"You called?" he asked.
"What is the meaning of this? Why have you sent such filth?" Thor asked him.
"Because it was fun," Loki said, "And I did enjoy seeing the Captain blush when he read the lewd message."
"Did you write it?"
"Of course not, Thor. I was simply traveling in the Internet one day and came upon it."
"It's called 'browsing the Internet', not traveling." Tony said, unable to resist the lure of a little education.
"Stark," Loki snorted, "Mortals browse the internet. I am no mere mortal."
"Wait," Tony said, "You mean you can go INTO the Internet? Is that how you were able to change the emails so quickly?"
"Of course, it is very simple for someone who knows how to teleport and shape shift."
"So you shape shift into what? 1s and 0s?"
"My goodness," Loki said. "You really don't understand how it works at all do you? One day you will realize that I am what you would call a scientist also, Stark. I am just infinitely better at it than you."
"Brother, you have to stop doing this," Thor said.
"Or what?" Loki replied, moving closer to Thor in an ominous manner. "You can't make me stop. You couldn't keep me out even if you tried."
The brothers glared at each for a second and then Loki said, "Did you enjoy reading what I sent you? I have access to lots more."
"I did not read it."
"You should," Loki said, raising his hand and lazily trailing a finger down Thor's jaw line. "It made for most… interesting reading."
Tony and Steve stepped back, thinking the brothers were about to have another of their vicious fights that always ended with collapsed buildings and everything within 100ft being devastated, but instead Loki simply took a step back.
"I have an appointment I must not be late for, I bid you good day, gentlemen," he said, and vanished.
"What do you mean, we can't keep him out?" Fury asked. "You told me our server was impenetrable to hackers. You said we have the best security and encryption in the world."
"Well, technically he's not hacking the server," Tony said.
"So explain it to me, if you can," Fury said, folding his hands on the desk.
"Loki said he's a scientist and Thor said that all magic IS science."
"Our best theory is that it works at some kind of atomic level, that he can say, rearrange the atoms of a car and turn it into ice cream, or the text of an email by rearranging the electrical signal."
"Impossible for us, at our level of scientific understanding, but the Asgardians are ancient. Who knows what they have learnt to do in that time."
"So why hasn't he just disintegrated you all every time you have fought, if he has that level of power?"
"Well, if he did that who would he have to play with?" Tony asked.
Fury stared at Tony for a while and then asked, "So what do we do?"
"Nothing. There's nothing we can do," Tony said. "If we cut the hard lines on the network there's nothing to stop him teleporting inside the building. With time I might be able to generate some form of shield to stop him coming in, but until then everything we do on the network is fair game."
Fury ordered that the network be shut down completely, and despite the protests everything was transferred to a paper based system. Everything took hours now, all requests for information had to be printed out delivered by hand and incinerated.
Fury typed up a memo to all staff, reminding them that this was just a temporary situation and would only last until Stark came up with a solution to the 'Loki problem'. He took it to the copy department and left orders for it to be sent to all heads of departments.
About 20 minutes later his phone rang.
"Sir, it's the copy department. We seem to be having a little issue with printing out your memo," the voice on the other end of the line said.
"If you are having problems with the machines, you need to call tech support, not me."
"No sir, I thought it would be best to keep this between ourselves."
"What is it?"
"Well, sir, we've double and triple checked the copiers and your note, but…"
"Exactly what is the issue here?" Fury asked, more than a little irritated at the mans dithering.
"Well, we are definitely printing your memo, but all the is coming out of the copier is um… pornography… about you and a man named Odin."
"IT'S WHAT?" Fury shrieked.
The next morning the network was switched back on and once again the only thing that was tampered with was Thor, Steve and Tony's emails. Thor would open his mail and read the text from behind his hands, then delete it quickly. Tony would spend hours reading every single link Loki sent him and eventually replied to one email saying, 'SEND MORE PORN', to which Amazon customer services replied, 'What?'
Steve had opened and deleted each email unread, until curiosity got the better of him one day. He nervously clicked the link and started to read. The story was surprisingly well written and he could imagine every word coming out of Tony's mouth. As it took a saucy turn and story-Steve and story-Tony were laid on a sofa kissing, he started to imagine Tony's mouth on his and was surprised just how much the idea appealed to him.
Thor sat down on his bed and started pulling his boots off. He heard a sound, it was like music, but muffled. He could feel a vague buzzing sensation under his pillow and shoved his hand underneath it until he found the object.
It was a cell phone. He had seen Stark use one and been offered one himself, but had refused it, so he had no idea where this one came from. On the screen there was a picture of his brothers grinning face, his hand held up to his ear, his thumb and small finger extended, the rest curled.
'All the single ladies. All the single ladies.'
Thor stared at the phone, not quite knowing what to do next.
"For Odin's sake, Thor!" Loki shouted, as he appeared in the room, clad only in a green towel, draped loosely around his hips. He pointed at a green button on the screen and said, "You press here when I call you." He vanished again.
Thor pressed the green button and held the phone up to his ear and said, "Hello?"
"Hello Thor," Loki purred. "Tell me, brother, what are you wearing?"
"But… you know what I am wearing, you were just here."
"Tell me anyway," Loki demanded.
"I am wearing my armor."
"Good, good. Are you wearing your cape?"
"Of course, it is part of my armor."
"What color is it?"
"Loki, you know it is red."
"Red, I am imagining you in it, right now."
"Brother, what is this, and why were not wearing any clothes?"
"I have heard that talking to people on the phone can be exciting, and I am bored of reading smut for today."
"You are STILL reading that?"
"The Internet is full of smut Thor, I am only post one of six."
"I thought you were a fast reader, brother."
"I am, but I can only pleasure myself so many times in one day."
"Loki, that is disgusting! Tell me how to end this conversation."
"You press the red button, but wait, Th-"
Thor hung up the phone, went into the bathroom, wrapped the phone in his thickest towel and placed it behind the U bend of the toilet. He would ask Stark what to do the next day.
Tony banged his hand on the desk repeatedly as he laughed.
"What is so amusing, Stark?"
"I'm sorry," he said, wiping his eyes, "But that's the best laugh I've had all week."
"I thought you would know what I should do."
"Well, personally I would have gone along with it. It's not every day you get offered phone sex with a god."
"Stark! If you dare take pleasure from my brother we will have words."
"Whoa, back off big guy, I wouldn't step on your territory."
"What are you implying?" Thor asked.
Steve walked into the room, his eyes red from lack of sleep, and threw a cell phone on the table.
"Tell your brother to stop calling me!" he shouted at Thor, and walked back out of the room.
The phone calls were becoming a regular nighttime activity now. At first Thor had smashed the phone and thrown it away, only have it mysteriously re-appear next to his bed within minutes. He let it run out of charge, it still rang. Tony showed him how to take the sim card out, it still rang. If he ignored it, it still rang at an increasingly loud volume until the room started to shake and everyone shouted at him to just answer the phone already.
Eventually he realized it was far quicker, to take Loki's call, let him rant and ramble for a hour, then say he was going to bed. Sometimes the calls were pleasant, cozy chats about how their day had been, other times Loki would shout down the phone about how people on the Internet said he should date Dr Doom. Those were the conversations that irked Thor the most.
"Loki, will you please stop calling me with this nonsense," Thor said, one night.
"No, I will not! Do you know what they have said now?"
"The Midgardians who write the smut!"
"No Loki," Thor said, rubbing his tired eyes. "What have they said now?"
"They all seem to think I'm smaller than you!" he said, with a note of outrage to his voice.
"You ARE smaller than me."
"How dare you! An inch if that! An inch is nothing!"
"Maybe they mean you are too slight."
"Maybe they mean you are too fat," He snapped.
"Loki, that is a terribly hurtful thing to say."
"If you want to increase your size in general I suggest you start training more. I will spar with you if you wish."
"I do not like to spar. I do not like to be sweaty, and sticky, and out of breath."
"Which is perhaps why you prefer to read smutty stories, rather than be intimate with another in real life?" Thor teased.
"Shut up, brother! You know none may touch Loki!" he shouted, and hung up.
Thor smiled to himself, pleased that he had annoyed his brother enough to end the conversation early, and settled back down to sleep. He was just starting to doze off when he received a text message alert. He frowned and reached over, taking his phone from the bedside table.
It was a picture message. A picture of Loki with white text over it that said "I have Mjolnir in my pants" and underneath Loki had written the message, 'Never mind. I found 1 area everyone thinks I'm bigger than U LOL!'
The next night the call was similar, Loki ringing to complain about the Internet.
"Thor!" Loki sniffled down the line. "The Midgardians have hurt my feelings again."
"Yes Loki, that story you sent me today was most hurtful, I would never take you against your will."
"What? That? No, that didn't upset me, those are my favorite types of story. No, this time they have gone too far!"
"What have they done this time?" Thor said, rolling his eyes.
"They said my children are monsters!"
"Oh…" Thor said, "That is actually rather rude."
"Well, I shall have my revenge on them," Loki said, his voice suddenly snarling.
"How are you going to do that?"
"I shall flood their precious website and take it offline."
"Is that wise brother?"
"Why would that not be wise?"
"Because you also like to read the smut, and if you remove the site you will be unable to read it too."
Loki paused for a moment and then said, "Well, yes... I know! I shall influence the designers to remove comment subjects. That will teach them I should not be trifled with!"
"I don't know what that means brother, is it important?"
"Oh yes, Thor, very important!" Loki said laughing. "Now I must go. Don't forget to check your email in the morning. I will send you something very pretty. Tell Steve too, and Stark."
"Steve? STEVE?" Tony shouted as he sprinted through the mansion, he had to find him before it was too late. He ran into the kitchen and saw Steve sat at the table his laptop in front of him.
"Don't click that link!" he shouted, sprinted round the table, and covered Steve's eyes with his hands.
It was too late. Steve had already seen the drawing and he pushed Tony's hands away.
"People think that we do that?" Steve asked, tilting his head.
"I think it's more wish fulfillment."
"People WANT us to do that?"
"If it's any consolation," Tony said, tilting his head as well, "You look like you're really enjoying it."
They sat in silence for a moment, both looking at the exquisitely rendered picture of Tony leaning Steve over a table and taking him from behind.
"Whoever the artist is," Steve said, "I have to admit they have a hell of a lot of talent."
"Yeah, they really captured the likeness."
"I have a feeling one part of it is out of perspective and appears bigger than it is in real life," Steve said, smirking.
"Hey!" Tony said. "That's not nice. Say that again and I might have to show you how accurate that drawing is."
"Maybe I might like to draw something like this myself." Steve said, turning to face Tony.
"I assume for that you would need a life model," Tony said, moving closer.
"I think I'd need detailed… intimate…" He never got to finish the sentence as Tony cut his words off with a kiss.
Somewhere in the mansion Thor opened the link to a picture that Loki had sent him and Tony and Steve thought they heard a girl scream.