I wrote this whilst being bored at a UN conference, so I thought I'd clean it up and publish it. Just go with the timeline and it'll make sense. The only major difference is that this takes place when everyone is seventeen-ish, so I can have smutty creekness later on. This is going to suck so this is my formal apology; I'm sorry for the suckiness. Anyhoo, disclaimer shiz, R&R shiz, don't hate and enjoy.
Nothing makes Craig happier than Tweek.
That, in itself, is saying something. Nothing makes Craig happy. Well, other than Red Racer and the seemingly immortal Stripe, only that's given. But when he was with his, he hated saying it, boyfriend, he felt nothing short of amazing. It wasn't good for Craig , however, since he isn't into all of that mushy love stuff that Tweek likes. It also didn't help that his parents were also the most hateful people, not only to Tweek, but to his… choices. They didn't approve of his friends to begin with, so he definitely could not come out of the closet and say he was dating one of said friends.
Not that he would want to, either. He would never hear the end of the jokes and teasing Ruby and his mother were wont to do. His father, in all honesty, would love to beat the gay out of him.
Whoever said closets couldn't be comfortable?
The fact that he is gay doesn't bother Craig at all, but what does is that he can't remember how he started going out with Tweek. He doesn't know why, or when, it just did. He would like to know, and he could ask Tweek, but that would probably hurt his feelings.
Probably? No, it would. Like every seventeen year old boy, he cares only for himself, and requires herculean effort to connect to people on a deeper level. Tweek on the other hand, could care less about his problems when it came to the happiness of others. It would be nice to say they evened each other out, and they do, but in their own awkward way.
But like every seventeen year old boy, he lacks both foresight and hindsight, which attributes to his lack of decent memory. It kills him that he can't remember. It just sort of, happened.
He figures that it must be okay, though. He was never one to talk about how things have come to pass; the way he met his friends, the way he asked out Tweek (he knew for sure he asked him), how he ended up in Peru with those four assholes all those years ago, and how the metrosexual craze overtook all of South Park.
It just happened, like everything else in his life.
And that was a problem for Craig. He lacks foresight like all boys, but he needs to know what's coming next, just so he can stop it, or avoid it at all cost. It's a bit complicated, as Craig Tucker has been known to be.
But never once has he thought that 'being' metrosexual could be a nice change.
When it hit, it hit hard. Suddenly, every one of South Park's redneck, homophobe, douchebags became 'accepting' of gay culture. Quite literally overnight men had flooded the malls, getting manicures, buying expensive clothes, and going to gay bars. If you weren't gay, you weren't normal.
It would seem to be a godsend for Craig and Tweek, but being the goddamn cynic he was, Craig was skeptical.
It was normal for fads to make an explosive entrance and dramatic exit, but this was too far. Frankly, Craig had no idea what was going on. Naturally, he decided to call the one person he could tell anything to.
"Ung-He-hello? What do you want? I have the police on speed dial so don't try anything!" Tweek picked up on the first ring. Craig smiled as he pictured Tweek flinching as it rang.
"Oh Craig, it's you. I was worried for a second," he did, and still does sound panicked.
"Man, you gotta relax. People can't do anything to you over the phone," Craig was used to it, and Clyde and Token were too, but they've learned to let Tweek Tweek it out.
"But what if they had bad news? What if someone stole your phone and was trying to lure me where they-nngh-would-would rape and beat me and god Craig stop trying to lecture me!" He was scaring himself. Nothing new.
"Hey, stop okay?" He was still awkward while trying to be comforting, but Tweek responded to it, as he was the only one that saw him act like this.
Today Craig was feeling particularly affectionate, but maybe it was just because his good mood. There was a Red Racer marathon tonight! Nine years of religiously watching it has left him no room for shame.
"Wh-what's up? It's been a while since you called."
"I umm…just… hey you want to go out?" It'd be nice to get out of the house, and Tweek would feel more comfortable speaking away from where the government could spy.
"Sure! Where? I'm glad you asked. I think the government is closing in on me." Craig liked how predictable Tweek is. It gave him the ability to create stability, the stability Craig desperately craved.
"Tweek, what will I do with you?" He smiled through the phone, "How about the park?"
"Can you pick me up?" He never walked anywhere alone, despite his age and the size of the town.
"Yeah, I'll be over in a few. Let me grab my stuff and I'll text you when I'm close. See you soon."
"Craig wait; are your parents acting weird? Because my dad has been out with Clyde and Tokens'" At that moment, someone started banging on Craig's door.
"One sec, Tweek," He moved his phone away and yelled to the door, "Yeah?"
Thomas poked his head in.
"Queer eye for the straight guy is on. Get your ass in the living room and watch it." He shut the door.
He propped his phone on his shoulder once more. "Um, sorry Tweek, but my dad just wants me to do something first. I'll be there soon."
"Sure, just come get me, I'm not walking alone. Bye Craig."
"Talk to you later." He hung up, pocketed his phone and went downstairs.
His dad was sitting on his chair and holding a notebook.
"Wow dad, I didn't know you were literate." Thomas flipped of his son, garnishing one in return.
"Just sit down and pay attention." Craig took a seat and the show came on.
Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
What the everliving fuck?
In which the 'Fab Five' go around and better straight men. It was strange to say the least, but to top it off, Thomas was taking notes.
After thirty minutes of absolute gay overkill, Thomas actually jumped up and reached for his keys.
"Get your shoes boy, we're going to the mall." Of course. Of course. Of course. Craig knows exactly where this is going.
"What! No! Why? I'm meeting my friends!" This is the first time Thomas has shown interest in shopping, and he can't stand Tweek up.
"Go." Thomas was scary, Craig would never say no.
He went to his room and pulled out his phone to tell Tweek he would be late.
37 missed calls- Tweek Tweak
Craig called immediately.
"Oh my god Craig! You're okay! I thought you got mauled by a dog or bear or were held up by the gnomes on your way to my house!" Fucking gnomes.
"No, don't be stupid. I have to go to the mall with my dad. I'll call you later."
"I'm at the mall."
"What." The mall was large and Tweek did not like large things.
"With Token and Clyde."
His friends ditched him. Hell, his boyfriend ditched him. Fucking A.
"Come meet up with us, dude!" Clyde must've pulled the phone from Tweek.
"What are you doing at the mall?"
"Token's buying us shit for school tomorrow. Come on, we're going to look so gay for Monday!"
"What are you talking about?" Anything that threatened Clyde's masculinity was quickly pulverized. He was the womanizer of the school and if the girls thought he was gay, he'd lose everything.
But the same could be said about his father.
"Er.. I'll pass." Clyde laughed. He knew Craig too well.
"See you soon, dude." The line went dead. Craig rolled his eyes and walked down to the garage where his father was patiently waiting.
"Thank you for joining me on my trip today, son!" Thomas can't really smile, so his attempt made Craig only want to vomit, and his patience? Never before has Thomas waited for someone.
What the actual fuck was going on.