My thanks goes out to my coworker Sophie, who helped me come up with the puns over the course of our shift. Most were for the Nefarious Knitter though, but that's what makes it great. Without further ado, enjoy and review!
Alfred F. Jones was your average man.
He had an average office job which paid an average income, and he lived in an average apartment with his even more average brother.
But he had a secret.
Alfred turned from the television, momentarily pausing his racing game. "What's up, Matthew?"
"It's terrible!" Matthew cried. "The Nefarious Knitter is robbing the Hetaliopolis Central Bank!"
He stood up then, throwing his controller across the room and adopting a serious expression.
It was time for the Hamburger Helper to save the day.
. . .
At a speed only attainable by a man of incredible power, Alfred raced to the nearest McDonald's, dashing into the restroom and locking the door. Only seconds later he emerged, his costume an appealing assembly of red, white, and blue, and his glasses were nowhere to be seen. In other words, he was completely unrecognizable.
He was out the door and into the sky, flying to the scene of the crime at an astonishingly fast rate. He arrived, bursting into the Hetaliopolis Central Bank with a righteous glare on his face.
"Stop right there, you sinister spinster!"
The masked British villain turned to him, his trademark smirk in place. "How nice of you to join us, Hamburger Helper, but I'm afraid it's too late. They have all been incapacitated, and soon you will be as well! You cannot hope to challenge my Needles of Destruction."
The Hamburger Helper looked around him, for the first time noticing the state of the citizens; each one had been wrapped in a knitted straitjacket, unable to move or stop the nogoodknit.
"I don't think so! Your foul deeds stop here, Nefarious Knitter!" Our hero picked up the large bronze statue of Mayor Himaruya, throwing it at his nemesis with amazing force. But the Nefarious Knitter was too fast; he ducked away, letting the statue crush a row of ATMs instead.
The Nefarious Knitter grinned maliciously as he reached into his cardigan and pulled out two colorful balls of yarn, lighting the loose strands on fire and throwing them at the Hamburger Helper. At first glance they didn't look dangerous, but our hero knew better; he dodged just in time to avoid being blown up by the bombs, debris flying everywhere.
This was just the opportunity the Nefarious Knitter had been looking for, shooting a grappling crochet hook and swinging out of the building while the Hamburger Helper was distracted. "I'd love to stay for tea, but I really must be going. So long, Betty Crocker!"
The Hamburger Helper cursed under his breath, zooming out of the bank and taking to the air. He looked up to see the Nefarious Knitter swing onto the top of a skyscraper. Our hero flew after him, landing on top of the roof and not a villain in sight.
"I know you're here! You can't pull the wool over my eyes, you crocheting crook!" The Hamburger Helper walked forward, unaware of the string at his feet. This proved to be his downfall, tripping him and sending him sprawling to the ground, thread winding around his legs before he could stand.
Cruel laughter laced the air as the Nefarious Knitter stepped toward him, flipping the Hamburger Helper onto his back with a black loafer, one of his oversized knitting needles poised readily against his enemy's throat. "Now then, my meddlesome meat-head," the villain cackled, "Prepare to meet your doily demise!"
The Hamburger Helper shut his eyes, surrendering to death.
But nothing happened.
His eyes opened to the sight of the Nefarious Knitter in tears, the arm holding his Needle of Destruction shaking. "Dude—"
"I can't!" The Nefarious Knitter threw away his needle in frustration, a defeated expression on his face. "I can't kill you, Alfred, not even after all these years…"
The Hamburger Helper's eyes widened. "H-How do you know my name? Who are you?"
His nemesis looked conflicted for a moment, before he quietly said, "I will show you." Slowly, the Nefarious Knitter brought his hands to his face, removing the mask to reveal his identity.
Our hero gasped. "Arthur? Is that you?"
"Yes, Alfred. It's me."
"But… But why? Why did you become a villain?"
Arthur sighed, rubbing the side of his neck nervously. "Four years ago, you and I were best friends. You were the closest friend I ever had, but after a while, your hero work began to get in the way. We spoke less and less, and eventually we had stopped altogether. And then I realized: the only way to get the attention of a superhero… is to become a supervillain."
The Hamburger Helper gaped at Arthur, slipping on his glasses and becoming Alfred once again. "Arthur I… I had no idea. I had just gotten so busy, and…" He trailed off, asking after a moment, "Would you forgive me?"
Arthur smiled a bit. "Yes, Alfred. I will."
"Great." There was a comfortable silence, the two basking in the feeling of a renewed friendship. "So, what are you gonna do now?"
"My web of lies has been unraveled," Arthur said. "I've no need for the Nefarious Knitter any longer."
Alfred smiled, tearing off the yarn around his feet with ease. "That's good. So do you wanna go grab McDonald's, or something? My treat!" He held out his hand to Arthur.
Arthur gave a smile of his own, grabbing Alfred's arm and yanking him to his feet.
"Sure thing, knit-wit."