NOTE: This interview is written as if Bella is still human. Think after Eclipse but before Breaking Dawn. And I don't mean to offend Twilight fans with any of the questions that Rita asks Bella in this article, based on Rita's personality in the books, I'm assuming she'd ask awkward questions.
Me Myself and I
By Rita Skeeter
Today's interview is with popular fantasy book character, Bella Swan. Captivating readers in Twilight, read on as I interview Bella, and see if there's more to her than just an obsession with Edward!
*The door opens, and in walks Bella...with Edward.*
Bella Swan: Can Edward please come?
Rita Skeeter: Sorry, *huge grin*...NO!
BS: *whines* Pleeeeease?
RS: *I flash my famous "no-way-but I'll-still-pretend-to-be-nice" grin and shake my head*
*Edward mutters something in Bella's ear, and Bella nods and smiles as she sits down in my chair. I shake my head...I can tell when somethings up. I wave my wand, and with a flash of purple light, I hear a loud, "OUCH!", and the sound of something being thrown backwards. There is a loud smashing sound, and a large, Edward-shaped hole appears in the door, and then there is a thud from outside. Bella rises out of her chair..*
BS: Holy crow! What did you do? Edward! Are you all right?
RS: *Waves wand, and the door slams shut* I wanted YOU, Bella, now please, SIT DOWN! *I smile winningly and push her back into her chair* Edward will be fine... I think. That's the first time I've ever used the Vampire-banishing spell...the Ministry's just modified it for sparkly vampires like your Edward. *I mutter a quick spell to fix the door and make it so Edward can't sneak in again*
BS: *Eyes widen* What?
RS: Moving on...can I can you Bella, or do you prefer Isabella?
BS: *Uneasily, and twisting in her chair to look back at the door* Uh... yeah, Bella's fine...
RS: Lovely. Now do you mind if I use a quick-quotes quill?
BS: *Confused* What's that?
RS: Wonderful! Now let's begin. So, tell me about yourself. I want to know you, the REAL you. And of course, so do my readers! *wink*
BS: Well...um...I'm from Forks...and I love Edward...we're going to get married.
RS: Of course we all know that, darling...anything else? Like what do you like to do...any hobbies? Friends?
BS: Well...doing things with Edward, I guess. I'm up for anything as long as he's with me.
*Quill scratches, and I nod. Of course most victims...er, I mean Interviewees are reluctant at first*
RS: And how does it feel to have two incredibly gorgeous guys after you?
BS: Edward and Jacob? Well actually, it's pretty annoying, I mean Jake's a good friend, but he just doesn't get it, I mean, I'm with Edward, okay?
RS: Hmmmm, okay. Not to be rude, but doesn't that seem a bit ungrateful? You know that a lot of girls out there would love to be you right now!
BS: Look, Edward and I are in love, okay? Jake should just accept that and move on! *She rises half out of her chair defiantly*
RS: No need to get excited, I'm just asking...
BS: *Sits back down*
RS: Now, what do you say to the fact that to most peoples definitions, Edward is technically dead? And have you always had issues with necrophilia or is this a relatively new issue?
BS: What? And hey...Edward ISN'T DEAD!
RS: Of course he isn't, darling. *wink* Now,
BS: True love knows no bounds!
RS: Yes, all right...moving on, do you think of yourself as a good role model for teen muggles-er, I mean GIRLS?
BS: Well, everyone-*Bella leans over and looks at my writing pad* Hey! Edward ISN'T DEAD! And my name isn't Mary Sue...it's Bella...and what's that about "severely lacking a personality"?
RS: Never mind the quill, dear. Now-
BS: *Interrupting* You'd better not be planning on publishing that! Edward won't let you!
RS: *Muttering* Like I'm really afraid of a sparkly fairy and a Mary Sue-
BS: WHAT? I'm not Mary Sue, and EDWARD ISN'T A FAIRY!
RS: Er...I mean Vampires...I'm not afraid of VAMPIRES, *smirk and wink* Now, moving on, how do you feel Stephenie Meyer has portrayed you and the fairy...I mean, EDWARD in the Twilight series? Do you feel she's done you and your necrophilia issues-I mean, ROMANCE justice?
BS: Well, I didn't get the title, I mean, what does the time of day have to do with me and Edward? And I don't even like apples!
RS: *Raises eyebrows* O-kay...
BS: And like, seriously, what do tulips, ribbons and chess pieces have to do with love? And the titles, I mean, I don't know anything about astronomy...and we're in love. They should have been called something more like, "Bella and Edward", or, "Forbidden Love", or something like that.
RS: Okay, so now-
BS: *Interrupting* And they didn't do Edward justice either. He's just so beautiful, his skin is so pale,he's godlike in every way. I mean, I can't believe he chose me, we're so in love. And he's just so romantic, I mean, he watches me when I sleep!
RS: *Gags* Are you aware that what you classify as romantic, most others would classify as creepy or stalker-ish?
BS: What's creepy or stalker-ish about Edward sneaking into my house and watching me sleep or following me around? It's so sweet, he cares about me so much!
BS: What? Just because YOU'VE never had a boyfriend...
RS: Excuse me, darling?
BS: Nothing *glare* Anyways, Edward is just so perfect, I mean-
RS: *Covers ears and looks sick* Please, stop...I get it, dear!
BS: I mean, the way he sparkles is just so-
RS: I get it, please, stop! *Tries to cover ears*
BS: -Adorable, and he's so kind and romantic, and he's just so gorgeously perfect-
RS: *Turning green* I can't take it anymore! *Gets up and runs for the door*
BS: *Doesn't notice, and keeps talking about Edward* He's just so incredible in every way, and he's smart-
*As I was running for my life, trying to avoid dying of boredom and/or going insane from Bella's inane Edward rant, I was forced to conclude my highly informative interview with Bella Swan*