I blame this totally on Ithildin and Strangevistor7

It's all their fault. And, they kept giving me more characters to add!

WARNING! Spoilers for all of the following fandoms: Torchwood, Highlander, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Buffy/Angel, Firefly, Eureka, House, Star Wars, Grey's Anatomy, Forever Knight, Supernatural, Dr Who, and Blake's 7...

Also, thanks to Ithildin for the quick beta...

All the Dead are Welcome Here

by Ninjababe

He blinked against the bright light. After a few moments, he had to loosen his tie and take off his suit jacket. "How the hell did I get to a tropical island?" he muttered to himself.

"Hello!" A redheaded teenager said, seeming to pop out of nowhere. "Welcome to the Island of Not-Really-Dead Characters! My name is Richie, I'm the current guide to new members."

"Ianto Jones," he replied. "Not-Really-Dead?"

"Yep," Richie replied, nodding vigorously. "We wait here until the writers or producers get whatever it is out of their system and bring us back. Or, we just relax here in perpetuity. Not a bad gig for eternity."

Ianto looked perplexed. "And, what do you do here?"

"Whatever we want," Richie replied with a grin. "Over on that beach, Snape and Winchester spend their days drinking fruity rum drinks and watching the women and men scantily clad league of beach volleyball." Pointing to a glade barely visible up the coast, he continued, "That's where Boromir holds sword practice. But, whatever you do, don't ask him about archery. He's a bit sensitive about arrows."

Pointing to a large building behind the duo, Richie added, "If you like more intellectual pursuits, Wesley runs the library. Quite a big one actually. He leans towards supernatural studies, just so you know."

Ianto raised an eyebrow. "Interesting."

Richie seemed to suddenly remember. "I almost forgot. Be careful of the blond in Hawaiian shirts, his name's Wash... he's become a bit of a pyromaniac."

"Oh?" Ianto asked, now raising both eyebrows.

Richie shrugged. "He has something against falling leaves, and he believes burning them before they fall..."

Ianto started, hearing an explosion far off. "What the?" he asked, reaching for a non-existent gun at his waist.

"Don't worry," Richie said soothingly. "That's just Nathan Stark. He's a bit of a genius, but can't remember the safety protocols for his experiments sometimes."

Before Ianto could respond, he heard a voice he didn't think he'd ever hear again. "Ianto?"

In shock, he turned around. "Tosh?"

"Ianto!" the Asian woman exclaimed as she ran forward and hugged him. "Oh, it's so good to see you!"

"And... Owen?" Ianto asked hopefully.

"Oh, he's a special case," Richie stated, butting into the private moment. "The higher ups can't decide if he's dead or not-really-dead. So, he fluctuates in and out. Anyway, moving on. Our tour isn't over yet."

Richie pulled the new member of the island behind him towards the town at the center of the island. "Here's our town."

"And, the name of it?" Ianto asked, trying to keep a grasp on his sanity.

"No name. We can't agree on one," Richie replied with a shrug. "Over there is our doctor. Don't mind Amber's sarcasm. She learned it from the worst."

Ianto looked confused. "The worst?"

"Well, he's one of the best doctors of the world, but has the worst sense of sarcasm we've ever seen," Richie replied with a shrug. "Well, continuing on. Over there is where the resident spiritual experts work," Riche stated, pointing at a grove of trees. "Tara is a bit shy, don't mind her stuttering. Also, if Obi Wan gets a bit verbose, just give him a wide-eyed look. It seems to stop him every time.

"Moving on..." Richie said, continuing the tour. "In the center square, we have weekly chess tournaments. They're being run by Kronos. Don't cheat. He doesn't like it." After a quick shudder, Richie continued, "The current reigning champion is Denny. He's been the champion for five weeks running.

Pointing to the neon sign across the square, the guide continued. "That's 'Bite Me', our local bar. It's run by Vachon, a vampire, and his lead dancer, Urs, is a vampire as well." Seeing Ianto's look of horror, he hurridly continued, "But, don't worry. For some reason, being here, none of us are ever hungry. We can eat, but we don't have to.

"Oh, and a final warning!" Richie exclaimed to an overwhelmed Ianto. "If you see a balding brunette man, watch your stuff! He'll steal it in a moment! Vila is known to steal everything not bolted down, and some that is."

"I'll take that into consideration," Ianto replied before he was accosted by a brunette boy with a 'bowl' cut.

"Are you human or alien?" the boy asked intently.

"Human," Ianto replied, taking a step back from the intense boy before him.

"Adric, leave him alone!" Richie exclaimed.

"Well, darn." Adric pouted as he stomped off.

"Anyway... I think that's the end of our tour," Richie said as Ianto was dragged away by Tosh.

A blonde woman appeared and asked Richie, "Are you done?"

"Yes," Richie replied cautiously.

"Good, you can fix my roof," the blonde replied as she pointed to her home.

The redhead whined, "Tessa!" as he was pulled across the square.