A Date of Pain
The zip lining trip was so deplorable and Kenny died on that trip. Stan and Kyle decided they should have a date and they noticed Craig had been bored lately. Stan and Kyle gained much sympathy for Craig over the years and they asked if he wanted to join them for a triple date.
Stan would take Wendy and Kyle would take Red. Bebe had fun dating Clyde and now she would alter between him and his friend Craig. There was no Pizza Hut in South Park so they figured they'd go to Shakey's Pizza.
Cartman said "hey I overheard your plans for Friday night and I get the feeling I'm not included."
Kyle turns to Cartman and states "when I turned nine we went to Casa Bonita and you did your best to not only crash it but screw over Butters big time."
Stan adds "Cartman do you think you could learn a little from a punishment? A punishment such as jail time or a friend telling you he's not inviting you to a party because you were so fucking rude to him?"
Cartman says "well sure I don't file false police reports anymore. Oh and Kyle I know we've had our differences in the past but I'd love it if I could come to the evening date you've planned with Stan."
Cartman puts his arm around Kyle but Kyle takes Cartman's arm from his body and says "Cartman go home and relax. Think about the shit you've done lately. When Kenny was taken by CPS and he had to go to a shitty foster home you were of no help whatsoever. When we were on that fucking boat trying to get back home after that horrible zip lining trip you went out of your fucking way to blame me. Oh and the way you set up Nicole and Token because it looked so great to you and you didn't fucking think about anyone else."
Cartman got angry and yelled "THEY'RE A GREAT FUCKING COUPLE!"
Stan and Kyle both said "bye" to Cartman at the same time.
Red, Bebe, and Wendy were getting ready for the date. Red had a pink dress on and Wendy had a red one. Bebe was mostly concerned about what shoes to wear as usual.
They would meet up at Shakey's Pizza at 6:00 PM.
As 6PM rolled around Stan felt butterflies in his stomach. Kyle just wanted to get the night over with and Craig was happy to be invited along.
At Shakey's Pizza they all sit at a table and a waiter comes out to take their order. They are shocked to see the new waiter at Shakey's Pizza is Chinese.
After he takes their order Craig says "well it's odd to see a Chinese waiter in a pizza parlor."
Wendy snaps at Craig "Craig don't stereotype."
Craig says "well I'm sorry but it is."
10 minutes later Cartman comes in the restaurant walking with a cane pretending to be disabled.
Kyle gets pissed off and walks over to Cartman.
"You had to fucking come in here didn't you and why are you walking with that old cane?"
Cartman says "it was my grandma's cane and she died remember?"
Kyle gets even more irritated because after Cartman's grandma died he got one million dollars and he snaps "you are low class first you blow one million dollars your grandma left you and now you use her cane."
A total stranger looks over and she yells "YOUNG MAN YOU SHOULD NOT PICK ON A DISABLED KID!"
Kyle gets pissed off and screams "I KNOW THIS KID AND HE'S NOT FUCKING CRIPPLED YOU DUMB FUCKING BITCH!"
The whole restaurant is silent and shocked and the woman became furious.
"WHERE'S THE MANAGER?" She yelled!
The waiter came out and was very rude and he said "you kids sit down, be quiet, very bratty kids!"
The woman got angry and yelled "I'M TIRED OF THESE BASTARD CHILDREN RUINING RESTAURANT EXPERIENCES!"
The Shakey's Pizza Manager came out and did what he could to get the woman to calm down.
The waiter brought out their pizza and said "you punk kids eat fast and leave."
Wendy replied "this waiter is very rude."
Craig said "oh so you don't find it weird that there's a Chinese waiter in the pizza place but he's rude."
Bebe and Craig both giggle.
Wendy was annoyed and she asked the waiter "may I get a cup of water? I had a tooth pulled and I'm taking penicillin."
The waiter turned to Wendy and said "I no bring you glass of water! You want water, go to restroom and drink from toilet."
Stan got furious and yelled "YOU MOTHERFUCKER!"
The manager came out and listened to Stan and Wendy complain and in the mean time Cartman sits down and acts humble as he orders a glass of water. Kyle looks over and says "Cartman you're not going to make us feel guilty so you can cut this little act out."
Cartman turns over and gives Kyle a big evil smile.
Cartman continues smiling and says "hey Kyle, knock knock."
Kyle asks "who's there?"
Cartman answers "falling light."
Kyle asks "falling light who?"
Cartman says "the falling light is going to hit you in the head."
A light falls from the ceiling on top of Kyle's head and he yells "OUCH!"
Cartman drinks all his water and then says "hey Kyle, knock knock."
Kyle angrily asks "who's there?"
Cartman says "angry Chinese waiter."
Kyle asks "angry Chinese waiter who?"
Cartman says "the angry Chinese waiter is going to hit you in the face."
The Chinese waiter taps Kyle on the shoulder and when Kyle turns around the waiter slaps him in the face and yells "ALL YOU KIDS NEED TO HURRY UP, EAT, THEN LEAVE! YOU BRATS CAUSE TROUBLE IN THIS RESTAURANT!"
Kyle gets really pissed off and says "MY DAD IS A FUCKING LAWYER AND I CAN HAVE THIS FUCKING RESTAURANT TAKEN TO COURT!"
The manager comes out but before he can talk to Kyle Cartman jumps in and says "oh mister manager the six kids at this table are angry because you let me in. You see they're all Nazis and they don't like me because I walk with a limp."
Wendy freaks out and says "WE'RE NOT NAZIS AND YOU ARE FAKING."
Kyle yells "GODDAMN IT CARTMAN THIS SHIT IS NOT FUNNY!"
The manager tells Stan, Wendy, Kyle, Craig, Red, and Bebe that if there's one more outburst they'll be thrown out of the restaurant.
Stan is outraged and says "alright let's hurry up and finish our pizza and leave. I cannot believe how fucked up this evening has become and it didn't take long."
Cartman walks over to their table with the cane still faking a limp. He says "hey Stan knock knock."
Stan is irritated and ignores Cartman.
Cartman again says "knock knock Stan!"
Stan turns to Cartman and says "who's there?"
Cartman says "fart."
Stan says "fart who?"
Cartman says "I'll fart in your face."
Cartman turns around and bends over and farts right in Stan's face. Stan along with everyone else holds their nose and they are very unhappy at this point.
Kyle grinds his teeth and says "Cartman will you fucking go home?"
Cartman turns to Kyle and says "I don't have to take this. I'm going home."
Cartman leaves the restaurant.
Kyle says "shit Cartman walks out like he's a victim. I can't believe that light fell off the fucking ceiling."
Kyle groans but Red tells him to calm down and think about the romance that comes later in the night.
They finish their pizza and root beers and they all go wash up in the restrooms.
Right as they're about to leave Cartman comes charging in the restaurant and screams beavers are chasing him.
Stan and Kyle are very outraged and they inform Cartman they're leaving the restaurant and nobody cares about his fucking shenanigans. Of course when six beavers enter the restaurant they are shocked to see Cartman wasn't lying after all.
The Chinese waiter yells "MOTHERFUCKING BEAVERS IN THE RESTAURANT! I FUCKING QUIT!"
Kyle yells "CARTMAN LET'S ALL RUN, WE CAN OUT RUN THE BEAVERS."
They all rush to Stan's house and they take turns looking out the window to see if the beavers followed.
Wendy tells Stan this was the most outrageous date she'd ever been on.
Stan of course couldn't agree more. Bebe and Craig cuddled. Kyle and Red sat on Stan's couch and talked about how they both actually care about school when lots of kids don't.
Cartman decided to apologize for fucking up the date and it was a sincere apology.
All seven children fell asleep in Stan's living room.