What Anko Watches

A/N: Silly little idea to cure writers block. Took about forty minutes. We find out what the most sadistic of kunoichi watches in her spare time.


Anko was still overjoyed, downright ecstatic. She'd gone through a lot of trouble to get what she wanted but damn it, this was sooo worth it.

"I know I missed a bunch of the first season but season two should be starting today," she exclaimed gleefully, jumping onto her couch, tucking her legs up on the side.

The day was coming to a close and Anko had just gotten back from an undercover mission, one that she nearly blew in her attempts at making it back home on time. She had marked this moment down on her calendar, pushed aside her meeting with Kurenai, stocked up on dango, and had even bought a watch that chirped every hour on the hour to keep this occasion to the forefront of her mind.

Yes, everything was perfect.

Her house, built within the deepest recesses of the Forbidden Forest, was quite empty, just as she'd wanted it, and quite silent, mostly because she'd scared the living bejesus out of all animals in the area by blaring her chakra with a menacing undertone.

Before her on the table sat a plate of steaming dango and two cups of freshly made sake that she'd picked up today before coming home. The smell tickled her nose enticingly almost as if to say, "you earned this, Anko".

And that was true enough. All the hard work she had put into isolating herself just so she could watch this show without fear of being found out. She wasn't quite sure if anybody else knew of it but she had a reputation around the village. She was the Snake Queen, the deadly kunoichi of legend who was sometimes depicted in bedtime stories to small children as some kind of triple-headed, snake-spitting creature that carried off bad kids. She wasn't exactly sure how that particular rumor started but still, she had a very respectful title—one that would almost certainly be tarnished should anyone learn of this terrible, dark, and disturbing secret she carried around.

No, she knew she needed privacy and you couldn't find better in a wilderness surrounded on all fronts with vicious, man-eating carnivores.

Of course, to her, they were little more than cuddly pets. Pets that she had given strict orders to eat intruders alive should they even set one toe in her domain.

Okay, time to run through the list:

Privacy? Check.

Favorite snack? Check.

Good wine? Check.

Security? Check

TV? Check?

Smiling to herself, Anko nodded. All bases were covered. She had even changed out of her clingy 'work' clothes and had slipped into a lacy pink lingerie gown. She giggled slightly, wiggling her toes in the matching pair of pink, peep-toe slippers. She felt so good right now, and in a couple more minutes she would be on cloud nine!

She glanced at the clock. Almost eight. Perfect!

With her heart hammering, she flicked on the TV and pushed a few numbered buttons to set it on the correct channel.

Ohmigosh, I've waited so long for this!

Within minutes the boring commercial advertising Ichiraku's ramen was over and the theme song for her show began playing:

My Little Pony

I used to wonder what friendship could be

My Little Pony

Until you all shared its magic with me

Eyes sparkling with joy, Anko reached in-between her couch cushion and unearthed a cyan blue Rainbow Dash plushie that she squeezed to her chest. As the opening theme finished, Anko let slip a girlish squeal.

"It's still sooo awesome!" she gushed happily, nuzzling her little stuffed doll. "Just like you, my little Dashie. Actually," she added with a laugh, "I'd say you're about 20% cooler!"

And so the episode played, holding Anko's attention so vapidly that the Tokubetsu Jonin only tore her eyes away to eat and drink when those annoying commercials intervened. It was the first episode of season two and, although she had missed a very large chunk of season one, she'd read about the others online and knew exactly what adventures her favorite 'mane' six had been through.

By the time the ending credits rolled, all of the dango was gone, only a half cup of sake remained and Anko was jumping around the living room giving loud cheers that caused the nearby sentry animals to gaze at her house in confusion. She was so internally happy that she spun in circles clutching her Rainbow Dash plushie by its front hooves.

"I can't believe Discord is so twisted like that! He's made up of all sorts of animals—hell, I think I'd become crazy to!" she laughed. "Oh, I can't wait till the second part airs!" She brought Rainbow Dash in closer, putting her lips near the ponies ear. "You think I should buy a Discord doll, Dashie?" She paused in wait before giggling. "Yeah, I think I will, that way maybe he won't feel so discombobulated!"

Anko was so enthralled with the epicness of her show and caught up discussing with her Rainbow Dash doll where she might find Discord and Cheerilee plushies that she failed to notice the four people standing behind her sofa, each of them watching the kunoichi with mixed looks of shock and amusement.

Anko froze in the act of twirling with her doll, her eyes wide, blood running cold. How had they…? When had they…? But her security—

"Dude, I can't believe you do this! What the hell?" exclaimed Naruto and he ran over to Anko who realized with a stab of horror that the blonde carried another one of her plushies: a purple unicorn named Twilight Sparkle. "Anko-sama, that show was...words fail me, but damn, it was—"

Anko flinched, waiting for him to proclaim it stupid and call her childish for even watching such a thing.

"—it was so...coool! The animation was out of this world and the characters were funny! I really, really liked the rainbow looking one—but you already got her doll so I'll take the purple one! She made a lot of funny ass faces! What was her name again?"

Brain still trying to catch up, it took Anko a couple seconds to answer. "T...T-Twilight Sp-Sparkle…."

"Yeah! Sweetness!"

It was then the other members of Naruto's cell—Sasuke, Sakura, and, to her utter mortification, Kakashi—made their way around the couch. While Sakura and Kakashi merely took a seat, each with a different colored pony doll in their hands, Sasuke walked up to her as well.

"What's this one?" he grunted, lifting a pink one. He didn't want for her to answer. "I like her. She's really stupid, but really funny."

Now Anko's tilted, barely able to hear the Uchiha through her beating heart. What was happening here?

Kakashi spared the scantily dressed Anko only a passing glance. He cared that she was half-naked but at the moment he was more intrigued by this show. He'd always known she was hiding something and it was merely dumb luck that he decided to bring his students along to find out what she was hiding. "Go put some clothes on and show us the episodes before this." He lifted the orange pony in his hand. "Applejack, right? Mine now."

Sakura was busy making little blubbering noises at a pure white pony with an elegant mane of twirled lavender hair. "I really like this one, she's called Rarity, right? That name suits her perfectly!"

Before Anko knew what was happening, she was dressing herself properly in front of her miror, putting on less tantalizing clothes, her mind running a mile a minute, trying to figure everything out.

I have to kill them. No other way around it. They've seen my secret and now they have to die.

A sudden movement in the reflection caught Anko's eye and she whirled around, expecting to see one of cell 7...but what met her eyes was something that made her jaw drop.

Neji Hyuuga sat on the edge of her bed, completely enthralled with a bright yellow pony plushie, one with pink hair. He had her by the wings, flapping them as he steered her through the air.

Anko's brain died. What...the fuck…?

"I must say, when Naruto enlisted me to help them avoid traps and animals in order to find your house, I never expected to find...this." He laughed to himself, standing with Fluttershy tucked securely under his arm. "This phenomenon requires further studying. I'll be waiting in the living room with the others when you're through, Anko-san."

And the Hyuuga left with a wide, almost eerie smile.

Anko fell back against her mirror, breathless and stupid with the shakes. She could hear the other ninja talking from the main room, chattering excitedly about the pony plushies they now held. It took all of three seconds for a heated debate to begin in which Kakashi and Sasuke argued over why their pony was best.

"She's hardworking, honest, and she's not afraid to get dirty to get a job done!" Kakashi stated, and Anko's eye twitched at the dignity in his voice. "What can beat that?"

"Pinkie Pie is so hyper that you know she has a side darker than all the others," retorted Sasuke evenly and in her mind, Anko could picture that brooding, emo Uchiha petting her plushie with a creepy kind of care. "She's loopy and stupid—so you know she's going to have a moment where she just snaps. I can't wait to see it."

Yes, they all have to die. They would all have to die terrible...awful...horrible...shockingly gruesome deaths. Deaths so grand and glorious that none would ever think to bother Anko ever again, especially during her 'private' time.

It has to be done, Anko decided. She could picture her eyes going in different directions just like her fourth favorite pony, Derpy Hooves. She smiled, picking up a kunai from her dresser.

"Anko! C'mon! I wanna see the first episode already!" Naruto shouted almost whiningly.

"Oh, I'm coming," and her singsong tone of voice bounced off the walls as she left the room.