A/N: So… Pandemonium had us all hanging and hating Ms. Lauren Oliver for it. I couldn't believe we have to wait another year before Requiem. I know, I know and I feel it too - the pain and agony of waiting. So before the release of the third book, I decided to fill myself first with what I think would happen to Alex and Lena… and Julian too. This one right here is just a one-shot and doesn't completely tell what happens to the triangle but I have this thing circling my head, even the dialogues, for quite some time now I had to write it. So yeah, before I bore you out I present you my first fanfic ever although I have to apologize for the lack of better title HAHA. Have fun reading and tell me what you think.
I saw him. He was right there, standing over the edge of the cliff. For a moment, fear seared right through me. I remember I used to dream about this all the time. Except in my dreams – or nightmares – it was my mother who has her arms spread wide open, like an eagle about to take flight, and jumped off the cliff, letting all that was life – or lack of it – fall into the darkness of the abyss. In my head the words "I love you. Remember. They cannot take it" kept on repeating like a broken record. That was when they had me believed that my mother killed herself. I was so sure he was going to do the same. I was so sure he was going to jump off that cliff and kill himself and be dead for real when all of sudden he sat down, picked up a stone, held onto it for a fraction of a second and threw it as far as he could. He didn't acknowledge my presence – either deliberately or he really had no idea I was there, standing just a few feet away from him. Instead he kept his body still, his eyes – not sure with this one though as his back was still on me – fixated on the horizon admiring the beauty that was nature. Even if I couldn't see his face, I could tell that his thoughts were deep – and maybe they were about me.
I didn't know what happened. I guess my feet suddenly grew a mind of their own and I found myself sitting beside him, our feet dangling off the cliff. It's not deadly after all. It's not as high as I expected it would be to kill anybody, break bones perhaps but not kill. I was relieved. He didn't look at me but the change in his breathing told me that he knew I was there. I kept a decent distance between us but even so I could still feel the awkwardness in the air. At the back of my mind, I could hear a voice telling me to stand up right now and get the hell out of there, find Julian, curl up beside him and hope that one day, someday, things will fall into place again, right where they truly fit. Julian. My heart ached like it has been stomped on for at least a hundred times. Right there in that moment, I really wished it were so I wouldn't have to deal with this whole mess of situation. I did not move an inch though. Instead, I stayed there for who knows how long, beside the guy I used to love and just wait for the awkward silence to dissipate and transform into a more comfortable, reassuring one. As I wait though, I was transported back in time when we could sit for hours, do nothing in particular – not even talk. We would lie down across the blanket that has been spread out in the living room of 37 Brooks, face each other and let our eyes do all the talking. I remember loving the sensation back then. It was so dangerous but so easy at the same time. It's as if all things and time in the world belonged to us and nothing and no one could ever take it away from us. I remember it was happiness. It was a promise. It was love and I loved it.
That's when he turned to me and me to him. As if our heads were connected by an invisible string that you can't move without moving the other as well. I could sense that it both took us by surprise but none of us tried to look away. We held each other's gaze for a while and I couldn't help but get mesmerized over and over again by his eyes. His eyes were no longer impenetrable. They regained the sweetness they once, always, had in them. For a moment, I was so lost and then I tried to look more deeply and closely into them. I found so many things written in his eyes; so many it's hard to pinpoint which is which. His eyes were calm but I saw a flicker of something – sadness maybe – that was looming behind them.
We spoke at the same time but even through the sound of my own voice I heard his and noticed that the hardness and coldness I heard when we first saw each other again were already gone. They were replaced by a mixed of sweetness and ache and longing. It was such a music to my ears but a very sad one, indeed.
I didn't give him the chance to speak first instead I blurted out the words I've been dying to tell him since the first time he had shown up. "I thought you were dead. I thought they killed you. I looked back and saw that blood that covered your chest and they… they were all over you" I was on the verge of crying. I knew it. I puff a large breath out of my mouth first, looked up in the sky as I did before I looked back at him again and continued, "You were dead and just before you died you told me to run and I did and… they took you away from me. You let them take you away from me. You did not try Alex. You said you would be there right behind me. You lied to me. You lied to my face Alex…you…" I was angry now and sobbing so hard because I could not hold it any longer. I wished he would scoot closer to me, hug me so tight that my lungs would have trouble working and I would not give a shit about it but he did not. He looked away and stare on the horizon again which now lost all its color and was replaced by blackness but not without the scatter of tiny bits of lights – stars. I couldn't do it. I knew I could not stay there for a little while longer. When I decided to stand up and walk away, that's when he decided to talk again and the melody of his voice had me paralyzed I couldn't move.
"You know what would have happened if I did Lena. I mean, if I tried to cross that fence with you, you know we wouldn't make it and they were going to kill us both." You don't know that. Maybe we had a chance. I thought but I didn't dare say it and let him continue instead. "They would kill you too and I couldn't do it. I wouldn't do it. So I didn't move. I didn't follow after you. I knew that you'll find people in the Wilds and that they will take care of you and that you'll survive it and you'll eventually love it there. I knew… I knew or at least I hoped during that exact moment that you would find love again because you're free and just because you could do it. And then I realized that that's all I really wanted. As if my life… as if I existed my whole life just for that sole reason – for you to be safe and happy and in love… And it doesn't matter if it's not me, even if it's not with me. I could settle for it. I could… I would… I would die, gladly, for it."
I wanted him to stop right there. Everything was just too much too handle. But when I asked – begged – him to stop, he cut me and went on. "But they did not kill me. They kept me in the Crypts. Beat me to death for the information that I would never ever give. And I swear I felt it. I felt every fiber of my being was already begging for me to just let go and die and succumb into the nothingness. I was ready for it until your face flashed before me and you… you kept me alive." I was crying now but I didn't bother wiping away the tears that now leaked my entire face. He was breaking too. I could hear it in his voice as he spoke. He continued, "That's when all hope rush through me. When I was I so positive that my heart would just stop beating and kill me right there in that moment, that's when I was filled with hope that one day I'll find a way out of the darkness of the Crypts just like your mother did. No. I promised myself that I would get out of there no matter what happens. I would get out of there for you. I imagined myself escaping that prison and into the wilds and I would find you and we'll live, finally, on our own. We'll be happy and free and we'll stay in love for the rest of our lives. I also imagined it would be hard, living in the wilds I mean. But we would get away with it because you have me and I have you… Because we have each other" Because we have each other I thought at the same time he said it.
And then there was silence and during that brief moment of silence, I stopped crying but the sadness still enveloped my whole being. It numbed me and I swore I was not sure if I were still breathing. I thought the sadness has paralyzed me so bad that even breathing became impossible. Then he spoke again. "I prayed to all gods out there and to the universe to deliver my message to you. To tell you I was alive and I would find my way back to you. I don't think you got the message though" he let out a sad laugh and continued, "And I did make it out of there, obviously and found my way back to you but not really, not entirely." He stopped for a moment and looked again towards the horizon. He continued "Now… now I can't help but wish that they really killed me. Now I wish that they were successful in sucking all the life out of me because I'm sure it would hurt less than seeing you with him. And perhaps it's better that way. Or yes… maybe it really is better that way." He looked back at me again with a sad smile on his face. "I mean, you don't have to… you wouldn't have to go through this and me, well I would have died loving you."
"No…no! No, no, no… you can't think that." I was hysterical again and this time I couldn't take it anymore. I moved closer to him and hugged him so tight I pour all my energy into it. All the crying has sucked out all the energy out of me and I felt so weak but still I hugged him with everything that I could muster. I could feel that he was hesitant at first but soon his arms found his way around me and he hugged me just as tight – or even tighter – and he was crying. We both were.
We had stayed like that for so long, but after a while I still could not bring myself to let go just yet. I was so afraid that if I let go, I would find that this, all of this was yet just another dream and he would explode into pieces, out of my grasp again – just like what normally happens in my dreams so many dreams ago. But now it's for real; he's here and he was real and he was alive and I was going crazy. Soon, so soon, he loosened his arms that were looped around me and he forced me to look into his eyes. He tilted my chin upward as if he was going to kiss me and I couldn't help but wish that he really would. Kiss me. Please kiss me and make all of this go away. He just stared at me though and flashed me that smile I knew he always reserved just for me. It was so serene and he was so beautiful. Physically, he may have changed a lot but he's still beautiful, still perfect. Again, I read into his eyes and there I saw his thoughts very, very clear. I wish you had more faith in me… that I would come back for you no matter what. I wish you had more faith in us. He didn't say it out loud though. He didn't need to.
Again, we sat in silence but closer now. Our shoulders and arms and even our legs were touching but our hands weren't. I wish they were though. I would give anything just to hold his hands and lace our fingers together. After a while I asked him, "What happens now?" Although I know he's as clueless as I was, I asked him still and I wished that he could provide me with the right answer. I wish he could tell me what to do because honestly I didn't know anymore. He shrugged his shoulder once and let a breath out before saying, "I don't know. Maybe we go back and move on with our lives then." Yes. We would. You and me. Together forever. Then he continued, "You and him. And me… I'll find a way to move on. I will. I know I will." That's it. That has brought me back to reality. I almost forgot that I was with Julian now and that we're supposed to be in love because I made him fall in love me and I let myself fall in love with him. Before today, I didn't expect I would hate myself so much for it. I wish I did have more faith in us. Maybe in the back of my mind I knew that you would come back for me. I wish I had believed it. I wish… I couldn't bring myself to cry again. I think I've already drained all the tears out of my system.
"Will you… do you… do you think you'll ever… love again?" I felt disgusted just asking him that question. It sounded so selfish and actually, I think I was being selfish when I asked him that because I hoped that he would say no. I hoped that he would say and reassure me that it's just me that he would love. I half dread and half wait what he would say but he didn't answer it clearly, "I think that by now, you know that that's the thing about being uncured. You get to choose" said he. He sensed that I wasn't going to settle for this vague of an answer so he added "Honestly? I don't know. Maybe I will… just like you did. Or maybe I won't. But I've got time now to figure it out. And I guess time does that, you know. Heal all the wounds and promise to bring tomorrow so you could live again. And I will. I'll live again and probably love again and you would know about it when it happens. I'm sure you will." Even if it hasn't happened yet, I already felt the pang of jealousy that crept through me. It was terrible and annihilating. Thanks but I'd rather not, though I thought.
Silence. I didn't know how much time has passed since our talk. I'm guessing an hour or so. "I guess this is it then." I'm not exactly sure what he's talking about until he's slowly moving away from me and then I knew. I suddenly had the urge to hold his hands and pull him close to me again but I did not. "Lena…" It was Julian. "Raven said we could eat now." I turned around and felt like he was standing there for quite some time, maybe long enough that he got to hear the whole conversation I had with Alex. I hope not. "Okay. I'll be there in a while. You go ahead." I said dismissively. That moment, I didn't care if I hurt his feelings. I just wanted to stay here for a little longer… with Alex because who knew if we'll ever get to be like this again. This was the closest we've been so far and I couldn't bring myself to end it so soon – even if the distance was already growing and growing and keeping us father apart from each other every tick of a second.
"I think you should be going by now." Alex said and I have to admit that I was hurt a bit by it. I let it slip and I asked instead, "What about you? Are you not going to eat?" That moment, I hoped that he would go back with me to the homestead and eat with the rest of the guys but I knew he wouldn't. "Maybe later. I'm not hungry. You can have my share if you want. You're thinner than I remember. " You still take care of me. "No. You need to eat as well. All of us need to get in good shape before we move again." I tried to argue but I knew he wasn't hearing any of it. He was smiling as he shook his head. "Goodby… Good night Magdalena." He almost said goodbye and he used my full name and I knew what he meant. He would not take me back. He wouldn't even give it a try. He wouldn't compete with Julian. He's leaving me and giving me to him freely and completely because he loved me – still loves me. He's giving me up for love. I stood up and said "Goodnight Alex" just because I couldn't think of anymore words to tell him. I just felt so helpless and hurt and sad I could break again.
So before I cry again in his face, I stood up and walk my way back to the homestead where the others were. I had only taken a few steps when I decided to look back at him one last time. He's back was already on me, his eyes now fixated again towards the vast darkness before him. I was thankful for it because then, he wouldn't see me cry for him for the last time that evening. I let my tears fall from my eyes but wipe them as soon as they got out.
Maybe one day… someday, things will fall into place again, right where they truly fit. But until then, we just have to live like this. But don't worry because I'll have it all figured out… I love you Alex and I still love you. I'm sure of it by now. And no one can ever take that away.