Damon's Diary


Humorous, dramatic look at the entire series from Damon's perspective. What starts as making fun of Stefan's diary turns into a short, twitter-like account of his experiences. Reviews appreciated.

Rated T for some implied swearing/mature themes.


Chapter One – Episodes 1-11


Dear Empty Book I Stole from Stefan's Room,

I'm back in Mystic Falls to screw some sh— up.

Oh look, I'm sensitive and heroic because I write in a book.


Dear Book,

Stefan is feasting his eyes on a girl that looks just like Katherine. If that isn't poetic irony then I did not survive the 1880s explosion of literary crap. You know when Henry David Thoreau wrote Walden he lived out in the woods. I bit him once.


Dear Book,

So I actually got a good look at Elena today… Katherine-look-alike. I tried to impress the chick with my fog tricks but Stefan showed up and ruined the effect.


Dear Book,

Confronted Stefan. Threatened him. Felt like putting a stake through his heart. The usual.


Dear Book,

This goody-goody brother of mine wouldn't be so irritating if he'd just stop pretending that I'm the instigator of all things bloody and massacre-ish. He should know, he made me.


Dear Book,

Why are campers so dramatic when they die?


Dear Increasingly less-empty Book,

Officially met Elena today. I told her Stefan was on the rebound. I didn't mention that rebound was a hundred years ago. My humor is completely under-appreciated.


Dear Book,

Snagged Vicki tonight and played a little mind game with Stefan—no results. Absolutely irritating.


Dear Book,

Bored. In the mood for a blond.


BOOK,

Why aren't I writing more like Steeeefaaaan? Found his diary today. Hilarious. Emersonian in a way. Emerson was tastier.


Dear Book,

Taking Blondie to interrupt dinner at the Gilbert's tonight. This should be fun. If I'm invited in, I can only think of a million more "privileges" that will entail.


Dear Book,

So dinner tonight was… weird. Tried to play the "Stefan is rebounding" game again. Elena instead delivered a surprisingly accurate deduction of our… complicated past with Katherine. And she said she was sorry, to me. For me.

Screw that, doll face.

Then I gave her a little friendly advice about quitting cheerleading. What the heck?

Next chance I get, I'm compelling her to kiss me. That'll provoke Stefan into something.


Dear Book,

Tried to compel Elena to kiss me and she hit me in the face. Vervain from Stefan? Classy move. Now I am pissed. Forget pissed… try "wrath of a god".


Dear Book,

Killed the football coach to prove a point. Some points are messier than others. Going to sneak into the Gilberts and see what's home.


Book,

I only touched her face for a second, to see if she was real. She looks too much like Katherine, there has to be an explanation for it. She woke up and I high-tailed it out of there. Screw her, screw Stefan. Screw this town.


Book,

Got into Stefan's head for a little nightmare fun. He knifed me. I knifed him back.

A brotherly tussle.


Dear Book,

Blondie handed me some book by a Stephanie Meyer to read while she changed. It made me want to put a stake through my own heart. Anne Rice was better. Here's a pick up line I can't use on today's illiterate humans: "I'm the vampire she interviewed."


Dear Book,

Bonded with Zach today. Stefan tried to spike my drink with vervain. PISSED. Again.


Dear Book,

Founder's Parties have always sucked. It was almost a week ago, and I've only just recovered. Long story.


Dear Book,

Founder's Party: Everyone yapping away and drinking booze and moseying about their pathetic little lives with their oppressive little heritages. Lost Caroline to the masses, and my crystal, too. Stefan got me all cracked out on vervain and locked me in the cellar. Had to kill little Zach to get out—but whatever, I never understood the use of having any human "family", if you can call it that.

Finally munched on some stoner girl out in the woods, so I'm functioning. But barely. Vervain is like… drinkable Satan.


Dear Book,

Three pages later and I'm wondering why I don't just get a facebook. Oh—right, then my thoughts would be public. Duly noted.


Dear Book,

Borrowed Vicki. May or may not have changed her. May or may not regret it. If I'm going to change anyone, I need to pick more carefully—less insecure, needy ones. More sassy ones. Caroline and Vicki are both depressing signs that my taste in girls needs an update.


Dear Book,

Stefan is playing nurse-maid to Vicki. Bored of her already, more interested in this pocket watch compass thing…


Dear Book,

Made friends with the Lockwood wife. She's one step from asking me to join their super-secret council. Or cheating on her husband. Maybe both.

Hmmm... food for thought, it's been too long since I've done the whole anonymous camper feast thing. Or hikers. Or joggers. How about all of the above?


Dear Book,

Emily's great-great-great-great-grand-whatever, Bonnie, has my crystal. I should have known! Witch. This crystal will break the spell in the church's tomb that holds Katherine. Simple enough? How hard is it to steal a junky antique from a teenager girl that I can't kill because of an old promise to a witch?


Dear Book,

My new vampire is dead—oh well! That was short lived!

Had an awkward moment with Elena. She was there at the Halloween party thing, she was bleeding… I guess Vicki attacked her… I had to ask her to leave, because I wanted a taste. That's fairly normal for me, except that I wanted her to leave more than I wanted to feed. That never happens. It kind of has me psyched out.

So I "spared" her, but maybe it's just because she looks like Katherine.


Dear Book,

So now I'm giving favors? Making Elena's little bro forget about Vicki, simply because she asked me to—okay, not really. She didn't asked. She made a wish, and I offered to take his memories away. How noble of me. Stefan made me a cake afterwards for my show of humanity.

Just kidding about the cake.


Dear Book,

Lexi is in town. Lexi is Stefan's little guardian angel that trained him out of Ripper mode and into Noble Hero Stefan. I will forever resent this little cockroach for wheedling him out of the only thing we had in common. I mean, he cheated, right? He turned me into what I am, and then backed out of it, leaving me in the mess we call vampirism. Thanks bro. You're awesome. And if you're little angel friend wasn't twice as strong as me, I'd gladly stake her.


Dear Book,

I'm trusted by the sheriff, and possibly part of the council now? There's some good luck somewhere—I'm relying on the fact that they are all idiots.


Dear Book,

I need my crystal back—enter Blondie again. Hoped I was done with her, but, some deeds must come with ex-girlfriend sacrifice.


Dear Book,

Party at the Grill tonight. I like more pastoral settings, but the crowd should be good. Flavorful. Lexi's last chance to impress me—if not, she's going down.


Dear Book,

Lexi is dead—diabolical plan to get the council of our trail. The Sheriff adores me now. Stefan didn't see the advantage of Lexi's death—he staked me instead.

Still bleeding…? Wow, it left a splinter.


Dear Book,

Verbal argument with Stefan. He mimicked me, I mimicked him—it was really good for our acting skills, but I sensed he was doing a little method-acting. It was too melodramatic to be a good impression of me. But, what the hey, he tried his best. I'll thank the academy on his behalf.


Dear Book,

Stefan guessed the crystal belonged to Katherine. Smart bastard, I'll give him that. I went ahead and explained the rest, just to get it over with. If he knows I'm going to try and bring her back, I'm decently certain he won't try to stop me. After all, he has Elena. I can have Katherine. It's fair.


Dear Book,

Emily possessed Bonnie last night, and destroyed my crystal. She stabbed me to a freaking tree. I almost killed her, but was unsuccessful. I am so angry I can't see straight. This was my chance to get Katherine back. Now it's gone. I'm leaving Mystic Falls. This crazy-ass town is just so full of drama. Yuck. Going to try and tail Stefan—if he's leaving, I have this personal promise to follow him and destroy whatever life he tries to build. Fair is fair.


Dear Book,

Twice in one day? Yes. Sheriff Forbes said there is another vampire in town, based on the neck injuries of the latest dead body. And it sure as hell isn't Stefan.

The survival rate of this town is at a minimum these days. Why do humans even live here?

Either way, I told her I'd "help", which essentially means being all Van-Helsing until I can stake the vamp that is making our existence slightly less convenient than usual.


Dear Book,

Caroline has the compass that points out vampire activity? Perfect. I'm going vampire hunting.


Dear Book,

Answer: Logan Fell, the newscast guy. He's the vampire.

Riddle: How many wooden bullets can a guy unleash on ME? What did I ever do to him—I mean, except for killing him?

He is so dead. Dead. Dead. Dead.


Dear Book,

Okay, these past two days have been kind of a disaster. I let Logan escape because he promised another way to get into the church tomb. Someone killed him before I got to him to find out about it. Whomever it is—they're going to pay. It wasn't the Sheriff, she thanked me for his death. Like I'd kill the guy that was my last chance at getting Katherine?

It made me want to drain the Sheriff, but I resisted. I need an ally on the council.

When I was walking back to the house, I saw a car accident down on the road. Out of mere curiosity, I ran over to see if anyone was bleeding. Car accidents are pretty cool for a fondue party without having to cover my tracks afterward.

It was Elena. I felt horrible when I saw her. I mean, the car was upside down, and some creeper in a dark hoodie was staring at her through the windshield. That's pretty tragic for a human, right?

I tried to be funny. "How are ya doin' in there?" (if I were her, I would have laughed—I mean, I'm hilarious. I really am.)

She was absolutely terrified and I couldn't do anything to make her… not terrified? Happy? I can't imagine why I'd ever try making her happy, that's not my jurisdiction. That's a very foreign concept for me. I tried to help her, and make sure she was okay. I mean, I played fireman, and rescued her. Without any ulterior motives, even for her company on my slightly-successful road trip, where I almost died.

So, the roadtrip: Lexi's old boy-toy attacked me and almost set me on fire, and Elena begged him not to. All I could think was well, well, well, how far we've come from the girlfriend who wanted me dead? She saved my life, so I owe her one now—if I decided to honor that. Which I probably won't.

Good news, though: my old ex-girlfried-ex-lover-ex-friend, Bree, told me I could find a spell book called a grimoire to help me open the tomb. I don't want her sharing that information with any other curious tourists, so I ripped her heart out. Tying up a loose end; the less people I have hanging around from my past, the better.

Which brings me full circle—the end of the little road trip, and Elena trotting back to Stefan, completely forgiving for him using her for Katherine's looks.

Which brings me to another question—if I wanted to hurt Stefan, I could just kill Elena. But I rescued her from a car wreck instead? It felt against my nature.

It felt like I had a splinter in my heart.


Please leave reviews =) Thank-you. To be continued.