Wow, thanks so much for the reviews, you guys! This is unbelievably fun to write, I love getting into Damon's mind. It's scary how relatable it is (on a humorous, devil-may-care sort of way, not a murderous way. Haha!)

Love, Pip

Damon's Diary

Humorous, dramatic look at the entire series from Damon's perspective. What starts as making fun of Stefan's diary turns into a short, twitter-like account of his experiences. Reviews appreciated.

Rated T for some swearing/mature themes.

Chapter Two— Episodes 12-22

Dear Book,

Mystic Falls has company.

Dear Book,

Like father, like son? Stefan just gave me Dad's journal. The man was a close-minded bigot. It's really a shame Stefan decided to eat him before he had a chance to reconcile with us, his own sons.

So I'm starting the day in a bad mood, what a shame! It's really too bad that no one knew the Stefan I knew back then, they'd be a little more apt to be forgiving for my minor indiscretion of hating him.

Dear Book,

Our new company posed as a pizza delivery guy and got into Elena's house. Smart guy, idiotic girl.

Bonnie is pissed because of my fighting with Emily-trapped-in-her-body. Can I be blamed for a dead witch attacking me? I attack back, no matter whom she is possessing. Bonnie is acting like we're in middle school and I called her fat or something.

Dear Book,

Chaperoning a 50s dance at the school. Teens spiking the drinks and tall lumps under their hair.? What a flash back, and a buzz kill.

Dear Book,

Last night was semi successful. Killed the new vampire, and Elena was all whiny about it. She just doesn't get it: an unfriendly vamp gets invited in, that vamp dies. Unless it's me of course. I like sneaking up on the Gilberts. It's a petty revenge compared to what I could be doing.

Got a lead on the grimoire—check the Gilbert journals. Did everyone seriously keep diaries back then? Pansies and dandies. All of them.

Dear Book,

Stefan promised to help me get Katherine out. I don't trust him—but I believe him, for now.

Sometimes he acts like he's just as much of an ex-lover as I am, but there's barely a comparison. Katherine played us both, but she compelled him. I wasn't compelled, was completely of aware of everything. She taught me about vampirism before I turned. Doesn't that give me some grounds for a better reunion with her? She was preparing me, she knew that it was going to be me and her all along…

Dear dumb-ass book,

I've put Elena on finding-the-journal-duty. I interrupted pillow talk between Stefan and her this morning. The three of us working together reminds me of a cartoon or something—three misfit characters: the hero, the brain, and the black sheep…

Dinner at the Gilberts tonight. It almost feels like 1864 again. Going a calling, and all that. Will not wear a suit.

Dear Book,

Another disaster last night.

Asked Elena if I could trust Stefan last night. Asked for an honest answer. She said I could trust him. I don't know what to think. I should have asked an objective third party if I could trust her. But like Stefan always says—she's not Katherine. So I'm choosing to roll with it and trust her.

Took her younger bro to find his mystery hot chick, who was my main suspect for keeping the Gilbert journal in hiding. Why? Because she took it from the weird new teacher, who borrowed it from Jeremy, blah blah blah.

I'm usually always right. Little Annabelle from 1864, still looking like she's fourteen. Stronger than me, unfortunately. Gave me enough info from the journal, and I made my way to my father's grave.

He always used to say that. "I'll take it to the grave." How was I supposed to know he meant a witch's cookbook? Sick man.

Surprise! Stefan and Elena were already there, working behind my back. They found the book and Stefan told me he'd never help me open the tomb. Two-timing bastard.

I was so enraged, I grabbed Elena and forced her to drink blood from my wrist. I was two seconds away from snapping her neck. I would have enjoyed it thoroughly, but Stefan bargained for her little humanity with the book. I was too close to making one of the worst decisions of my life.

Dear Book,

Elena is missing. I hope she dies. Stefan pulled his all "Your choices have erased your goodness" and all that sh-. He is no one to talk about "goodness". What if I told him that all his self-righteousness didn't erase his selfish idiocy that got Katherine stuck in the tomb and turned me into a real blood sucker? He instigated everything, yet he takes no responsibility.

Dear Book,

Visited Bonnie's witch grandma. She got into my head and did something… I don't know how the frick these witch's invoke that type of pain… but my head still feels like the bad end of a rocket.

Dear Book,

Interesting new development… Elena is waiting downstairs, we're going to go to the tomb. She promised to help me. She said that we have "an understanding", whatever the hell that means. But she said she was sorry for working on finding the grimoire without me. As surprising as her apology is, I was more surprised to find myself telling her that our road trip was fun. Fun, like American Graffiti fun.

Finally, I'm deciding to trust her. But I did warn her that she can't make me regret it. I'm sure she knows she's just in much of a danger as anyone else if she betrays me again. There'd be bloodshed.

But for now, I'm actually just wigging out a little… tonight, I'm getting Katherine out. She'll be starving and cranky. But she'll be with me, the brother she was going to choose.

Dear Book,

Tomb run last night was a complete and total failure. Katherine wasn't in the tomb…

I don't know what to think. First I was hellishly angry, then it dissipated into something I haven't felt in ages… I feel hurt… it's all tumbled up inside… like sadness.

Elena Gilbert hugged me. I guess she felt pity. I only felt unmeasurable anger and sorrow, all melded together...

That little Anna-brat got her mother out of the tomb. It's not fair that she got what she wanted and I didn't. Anna said that Katherine has been free this whole time. Since 1864. She knew where I was, and she didn't care.

I guess I was wrong about which Salvatore she chose. She didn't choose either of us.

Getting a drink. Feeling empty.

Time to visit a college campus.

Dear Book,

Sorority girls are annoying as hell. Drank 'em up, and returned them to their dorm rooms (alive, just like I promised my concerned brother). The Sheriff has asked me to participate in a bachelor auction thing. My response was "Sounds tasty" and I enjoyed the look on her face when she suspected nothing.

Dr. Book,

Drunk as heeeellll and grttign readfy for the bacherlor auction. Oopsd I hears Elena! Yay I lookgood so mayber she'll want mer so bad she'lln piss off Stregen. Stefgnv. STEFOON. Shigt I give fup.

I cans peak just fine but trtygin to wrtire is reaslly hard!


OKAY, last night was one big mistake. Elena gets all pissed and it turns out her dead mother isn't so dead—okay, she is dead—starting over. Her birth mother, Isobel, gave her up as an infant. Married Rick the history teacher. Came to me. We had a thing. I turned her. She pretended to be murdered and went away. Now both Elena and the teacher have it out for me.

I admit I was shocked when Elena confronted me. People don't confront me. But I hadn't made the connection that Isobel—Rick's wife and one of my turnees—was also her mother. That was a surprise. I don't know how I feel about it, except Rick needs to get over himself.


Today, Pearl and Anna showed up. Together they actually pose a threat, so I sat down and we talked… completely civilized, like 1864. Parlor style.

News flash: The vampires are out of the tomb. Granny Witch wasn't strong enough to hold that spell in place.

Pearl offered me Katherine if I play "spy" in the council and deliver her all the information. I'm not interested in working for her. I don't think she can get me Katherine.

She stabbed me in the eyes with her own fingers and left.

Headache. Scotch and bourbon. Maybe an entire bottle of 151.

Mystic Grill bar, here I come…

Dear Book,

So plastered last night. Almost got lucky with some chick but it turned out to be Caroline's boyfriend's mother. And she was one of those emotional damaged types, I guess I could thank him later for saving me from that awkward conversation.

A couple of vampires from the tomb attacked Stefan and I and almost ruined our living room. Now Stefan knows they're out and living in a coven.

A little hung over…

Dear Book,

Elena just called me a self-serving psychopath with no redeeming qualities. I felt that awkward hurt feeling again. Left the room. Picked up this dumb book.

Dear Book,

Stefan hasn't been back for several hours. He was just going hunting—how hard are squirrels to catch? Elena isn't answering her phone. Going over there now.

Dear Book,

Yesterday. Ugh. One of those annoying nightmares when I'd rather just snack on a cheerleader instead of playing the daring, debonair rescuer. This time it was Stefan, kidnapped by a group of angry vampires recently escaped from church tomb. Sometimes I don't care if he dies. Sometimes I care. He was lucky that it was one of my caring days. If not for me, at least for his squeeze.

Elena's daring-do can be quite attractive if she wants it to be. But she didn't want it to be, so I just adapted my bitterly annoyed persona. Humans are always trying to help and it's usually just them trying to be brave or get killed. Elena fits in that crowd really well.

So I had to do a little dirty work, kill the owner of the house, kill a couple of vamps…

There are several more that I want dead, but at least it gave me an out to Pearl's little deal.

Dear Epic-Journal-that-is-not-anything-like-my-father's-Journal,

Well, well, well, Stefan is back on human blood. Heh heh heh. He's going to try and wean himself off it, which means more fun for me.

Dear Book,

There's a new Gilbert in town. He's even more Van Helsing than Rick-The-History-Teacher.


He's Elena's Uncle John. I wonder what he's up to?

Dear Book,

Went over to Elena's and hung out for a few minutes. Very human of me, isn't it? I had to explain that the Stefan she is seeing now—the one struggling against the new human blood addiction—is a lot closer to the real Stefan. The one that I've known for his first 100 years as a vampire. She's just seeing his old self, not a new problem.

Dear Book,

With the old Stefan returning, I guess there are some new problems. He's all depressed. Total buzzkill. Then he gets drunk, and he acts like he's a fun guy. 1920s fun—just without the killings.

So far.

Founders Party tonight. We'll see if we end festivities with a few more bodies…

Dear Book,

I've always hated Founders, and their parties.

Uncle John Gilbert has a coming-back-to-life-ring, like Rick. I've killed them both and they've both annoyingly come back to life. John Gilbert has made some threatening comments—basically he knows who I am but isn't exposing me. Yet. I don't know what he's got up his sleeve but I'll probably have to kick his ass.

On the downside, the council is back in Hunter's Mode, and Stefan is in full-blown relapse. Now I have to share my supply of human blood from the stolen hospital blood bags.

That is, unless he'd prefer going hunting for fresh ones.

Wouldn't be surprised. He looks like Dracula on crack.

I almost tried to explain the Gilbert problem to him tonight after the party, but like I said, he didn't look so good. I kept it simple. I said good night, and gave him a glass of blood. I felt a little sorry, only because he looked pretty screwed over. So, he can't resist his nature? Shocker. That makes two of us.

Welcome to the other side, baby bro.

Dear Quarter-Full book,

Sheriff "Liz" Forbes wants me to work with John Gilbert to figure out the whole missing-blood-bag thing. Problem: I haven't stolen any lately. It's either Stefan or the tomb vampires. Since Stefan practically admitted his return to human blood, but is still ashamed about it, I'm not crossing him off the suspect list. Not that John will know anything about this.

First things first: protect myself. The guy is crazy.

Second thing: Keep Stefan in the dark.

Third: Figure out how to make those pesky tomb vamps stop making the council go crazy.

Fourth: Help Liz and figure out what John is up to.

Dear Book,

Anna stopped by today. The tomb vamps have left town because Pearl told them to. So who's been robbing the blood bank? This has Stefan written all over it.

So, I confronted him about it. He's acting all devil-may-care, almost like me. It's weird. He looked me dead in the eye and said "I'm clean!" like it was drugs or something. I said I'd like to take credit for this new-and-improved him, but at the same time, he isn't admitting anything. I'm feeling rather suspicious right now. Why hide it? Why am I trying to make him not hide it, as if it's a problem?

It's not a problem that he's on human blood, it's just his methods of getting it are causing suspicion from a murderous council that I'm on, that's what!

Dear Book,

OK. Caught him sneaking blood tonight. Bingo. Now, I need to worry about whether or not he can control the behaviors that human blood will allow him to have. Is he going to snap and expose us? It's not likely but it isn't impossible. He needs to NOT cause me trouble right now.

Dear Book,

That John Gilbert showed up at my house… somehow he's looking for Pearl and was involved with Isobel. Turns out he knows nothing about Katherine, so I'm not even going to bother with him. He tried to blackmail me—like he's going to tell the entire council about me—but I simply reminded him that I'd kill everyone, including him, without his magical ring to bring him back to life.

Two things. He's looking for Pearl. He's also looking for a "device" or an "invention" by Jonathan Gilbert from 1864. Here's a prediction: If it's important, it's probably dangerous. He can't have it.

Time to out Stefan to Elena. She needs to now he's in danger of flying off the handle and destroying our safety here.

Dear Book,

Last night… made that splinter feeling come back again. Like pain, but not. I don't know.

I outed Stefan to Elena and left them to work things out… emotionally and all that. We were at the Founder's Hall for the Miss Mystic Falls crap where they dress up and do a dance from the 1860s etc etc.

Stefan disappeared right when he was supposed to escort Elena through the crowd to the dance. I mean I really don't care about stagefright but I know how important it is to not lose your cool in front of people, especially when half the people are founding families or council members. Stefan disappearing would only draw attention so… well, I escorted Elena, and danced with her. She looked… uh… tasty? Ravishing? Beautiful, I guess. Coming down the stairs and looking disappointed to see me. I remembered the dance from my human era and acted like I was supposed to dance with her. I think she appreciated that I helped her save face in public.

Eventually found Stefan snacking on one of the contestants in the woods near the house. I felt like I cared—Stefan looked lost. Not feeding to survive but feeding to kill—

WHAT THE HELL AM I WRITING? We're killers—that's what we do!

Screw this, I'm not gona write all emotional sh—like Stefan… anyway… I kept telling Stefan it was okay, to breathe through it, pull himself together. He escaped, but he just went back to the house and hid himself away.

Elena called me and asked if we could do the whole "tough love" cellar act. I know it from experience, and while a nice person would hesitate to inflict a pain they've experienced, it's easy for me to agree to. Because honestly, Stefan had what was coming to him.

So Elena went in his room and he flipped his sh-, but once he got close enough she stabbed him with a vervain dart. We got him downstairs.

Elena decided to stay down there, and just sit on the dirt floor by the door. Staring at the wall and saying nothing.

I stayed with her. It seemed wrong not to? But who am I to know—I don't do right and wrong. Moral law is as applicable to be as the law of decency. Nil.

Later, she asked if this was a sign of me caring for him. My opinion? He needs to be in a cellar so he doesn't expose us. That's it. Period.

Dear Book,

I got so distracted with Stefan's little dramas that I forgot—Pearl came by, made peace, and gave me the Gilbert device that John was looking for. No clue what it is.

Elena's been staying the night here. I doubt she'd be interested in staying in my room, but even if I tried to invite her, she'd act all disgusted and self-righteous. Not that I'm looking for a little cuddle, either. Just a warm body is nice, once in a while.

Oh well. Joking with her will have to do.

Update: Stefan isn't drinking blood, at all. Even animal blood. He's not just depressed. He's annoyingly broody and has decided that he wants to die. Like I wanted to die when I thought Katherine had died, and left me alone with an eternity of vampire future with no one to help me… whew! That was sentimentally nostalgic of me.

I told Elena he likes puppy blood—heh heh heh…

Update two: Rick has a possible lead on where Isobel is. Considering that this woman is probably pushing behind all of John Gilbert's creepiness, I'd like to find out what she's doing, and what her agenda is. Won't be long—I don't like the idea of leaving Elena in a house with a starving Stefan nearby. He'd eat her up, and I mean that in a completely not cute way.

Dear Book,

Damn, I've been writing too much. I'm annoying myself. Yesterday, Rick and I looked for a lead on Isobel, but it was unsuccessful. Rick staked a tomb-vampire, though, so it wasn't a total loss. John Gilbert and Isobel are a lot tighter than we thought.

Last night when I got back, Elena was still there, of course. She's like a church mouse now, just won't go away. Without even thinking twice about it, I moved her legs off the couch, sat down, and put her legs over my lap. While we talked, I just rested my hands lightly on her feet—okay, I sound smutty. I don't give a damn. I'm writing this because it's the first time I've been mildly intimately close to a human without thinking—not even once—about feeding on them. Blood never crossed my mind.

And that, in itself, is the strangest damn thing I've ever experienced. Is it Elena's fault? Or mine?

But next, our talk. She, of course, has Stefan's side of the story, which means she blames me for Stefan's depression. I got irritated enough to get up and explain to her that Stefan fed on our father, became a crazed killer, and made me join him on the hell-ride. That he is the sole reason for the person she is judging.

Then Stefan ran off, interrupting our little chat… Elena brought him back, and he looked normal again. Like he'd finally give in to the animal blood diet again. I finally told him to his face how much I hated him, and how annoyed I was that he decided to brood and be all guilty and sh- the choices I've made. They're my choices, he doesn't get to put on the mantle and act like a messiah.

I reminded him that I hated him. Not just because he turned me, but because he turned too. I was supposed to be Katherine's, and Katherine was supposed to be mine. By turning him—was she planning on playing us for eternity?

That makes me want to stake Stefan every time he acts like a hero.

Dearest Page Turner of a Pansy Diary,

Rick found Isobel. Turns out, she's in town. They told me at the school. I couldn't help myself—my first thought wasn't what devious plan she was in with John Gilbert, but my first thought was—how does Elena feel about this?

I didn't ask right out, I just asked Rick all the usual questions, but he knew nothing about their "plotting". Elena told me, "She wants to see me."

I tried to get a hint of how she felt. She gave me nothing to go on. I said, "You don't have to see her if you don't want to."

But she says she'll regret it if she doesn't. WTF?

Dear Book,

Today, we had to wait outside of the Grill while Elena met with Isobel. Talk about torture—all that waiting and no action? Insufferable little brave humans. Elena can't protect herself and won't take advantage of the fact that I could protect her. She let Stefan go inside with her, but it's not like he'd do anything at the far side of the room.

Isobel could have snapped her neck in milliseconds.

But while we waited, Rick was asking about "turning off" humanity. I tried to explain it to him—no guilt, shame, feeling and caring about nothing.

Rick said "You're a dick, but you haven't turned yours off."

I told him he was wrong, and I know he's wrong. He is wrong. I've turned it off. That's why I can still kill people. I don't have my humanity, I let go of it a long time ago.

But I'll admit, I'm morbidly curious about why I still feel a few emotions that should have gotten turned off—like protectiveness of Elena, or humor, or concern. Those should have gone away. What if I've done it wrong?

Update: Isobel left, right after threatening Elena and telling her the only reason she's in town is because she wants the Gilbert device. So the b—ch wants it, eh? I've decided to pay her a visit. Found a list of bank foreclosures… empty home search, here I come.

Update again: Found Isobel. Chatted, flirted, got this information—she dated John Gilbert in high school. So, here's a surprise, that means he's Elena's birth father. So "Uncle" is actually "Daddy" in this case. How's that for family drama?

Then she said she's working for Katherine, doing her dirty work. Once I got that, I felt that uncontrollable rage again—so much so that I can't really remember what I said—okay, I think I said this…

"You do not come into my town and threaten the people I care about. Going after Elena, bad move. You leave her alone or I will rip you to pieces."

I told her I believed in killing the messenger, because it sends a message. And if Katherine wants the device from me, she has to come get it herself.

Time for a little self-examining.

Okay, so the humanity isn't turned off. I outed myself in that department. I said, right to her face, that I was concerned—okay, cared—about Elena.

Now, I've admitted it, damnit. It's a weakness. She'll sure as hell use it to her advantage, and that's completely my fault. I made a mistake.

Dear Book,

Well last night was a total blast. Elena's witchy friend Bonnie promised to remove the spell from the Gilbert device—okay, backtrack. The girls found out that it's a weapon against vampires. Isobel wants it for some weird master plan. Bonnie said she removed the spell that made it a weapon. I don't trust her, and she hates me. I hate her too. She brings in this whole high-school-drama attitude into everything she does. Maybe cuz her granny died? Too bad, sweetheart, people die, get the flip over it.

Elena's little bro, Jeremy, was abducted by our ruthless Isobel. Elena asked for my help. That is the only, I swear, the only reason I let them do their voodoo and offer an exchange.

So it was like a drug deal, there, in the town center park. We lined up, all badass. Elena found out her bro was returned back to his home, safely, so she gave Isobel the (hopefully) useless device.

Then of course, Elena just had to commit social homicide and ask, "How did you know Damon would help me?"

Isobel said, in front of everyone… (this includes Stefan), "Because he's in love with you."

Boom. Right there.

In front of everyone.

One, I wanted to rip her head off. Two, it's a weakness and I knew it the second I told her "I cared". Three, I'm not in love with Elena.

I can't be in love with her.

Stefan did the jealous boyfriend thing; "Hey Damon history can't repeat itself, she's not Katherine you can't have her she's all mine I don't want to see her get hurt blah blah blah" and I just threw water on the fireworks by telling him she's a friend, and she's my only friend.

Which is true.

Then I dropped the bomb about John's apparent parenthood. "When you tell Elena about her dad," I said, "And she needs a friend to talk to, tell her I'm here."

Hey Damon, your humanity is showing! Cover that up, no one wants to see that.

Dear Book,

Happy Founder's Day. Dumbest day of the year. But, what the hey, I'm going to enjoy messing with this new, insecure, jealous-boyfriend-Stefan. I'm going to tell Bonnie-the-witch Thank-You for removing the weapon spell. I'm in a good mood today. The vampires aren't in danger, I'm going to eat cotton candy… LATERZ.


It seems like I start every other entry with "last night was a disaster".

I'll try to give a run-down.

First, Stefan gave me crap for telling Jeremy to quit being an ass. He doesn't want his "goody" image tarnished by having a less-than-goody brother trying to do some good. Wow, he's just so selfless! And that's my smallest problem.

The witch didn't remove the spell like she promised. Next time I see her, I might just kill her, regardless of how Elena feels on the subject.

The founders activated the device, it let off some high-pitch frequency that felt like brain aneurysm and completely laid me out flat. I've never felt something like that before… I couldn't stop screaming. It wasn't like vervain or wood, it was worse in a way. Though I did get a huge shot of vervain, too… they really covered it all.

They rounded up all the tomb vampires in the square (they were all conveniently in the square preparing their own attack) and me. And the Mayor, oddly enough—he's not a vampire, he's something else.

They put us in an old building and set it on fire. Anna was staked, the Mayor was eaten. John was responsible for all of this. I really tried to help Anna, but I couldn't move—I was too weak from the vervain.

I really thought that was the end, I was going to die… again, but stay dead.

Stefan rescued me, and I don't know why. I could have stuck around and let him and Elena worry about me for awhile, but I didn't. I hate pity.

I found Jeremy instead, and decided someone should tell him about Anna… the right way. I told him I was sorry I couldn't help her.

So there are all the bad things that happened. Now maybe I should add another to the list. Or maybe I should start a new category: something nice?

I met Elena at the door. I confessed that—yes—I've fallen from my badassery high horse, and I was trying to do the right thing. It's not something I do, but I was trying.

Then I kissed her, and she kissed me back. She really kissed me. If I hadn't know she was in love with Stefan, and not just giving in to a whimsical temptation—I would have guessed that she really loved me. Not the basic love, for a date and a peck afterwards. Real love, like passion and thinking about that person all the time and wanting to be near them and hold them close and all that heart wrenching jazz.

But I know better. She loves Stefan.

Yet she kissed me.

Please review, my dear readers! Let me know what you think!

Next chapter: first half of SEASON TWO of Damon's Diary!