WE MUST KILL THE PILOT
A parody of LOST
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters in this story, nor do I own any rights to the television show "Lost". They were created by JJ Abrams and Damon Lindelof and they belong to them, Touchstone, and ABC.

Jack's tired hazel eyes opened.

Where was he? He asked himself that question over and over, begging his brain to make sense of his surroundings. Where was he? What had happened? What was going on!

He was in a jungle. The answer came to him quickly, because even dazed and confused he was quite an intelligent man. He was in the jungle, because... because...

The plane had crashed. He remembered it now. The plane shaking rapidly, shaking him around harshly, and him slipping unconscious right after the back part of the plane was torn off. He reached for his pocket and felt the vodka he had stored there before the crash. The bottle appeared to not have broken. He pulled it out of his pocket, unscrewed the top, and drank heavily. He still wasn't entirely sure what was happening to him. Where was the plane? Where was everyone else?

As he tried to think of a plan he had a flashback.

Jack sat in his seat on the plane, trying to think of a new way to get alcohol as he stared out the window. He pretended to be finishing his drink as the flight attendant named "Cindy" walked by.

"How's your drink?" she asked him with grin. Jack could tell that she liked him very very much.

"Fine," he replied, glad he was single and attractive and rich. And that Cindy appeared to be too. And that they had so much chemistry right now.

"That's not a very strong response," she told him with a sexy smile that melted all the wary ice right off of Jack's golden heart.

"It's not a very strong drink," Jack said, and they shared a quiet little laugh.

Cindy gave him a small bottle of vodka. "It'll be our secret," she told him with a smile as she walked away. "Don't tell." Jack stared after her as she walked down the isle, her hips moving in a fascinating way. Flirting was fun.

The middle aged black lady sitting next to Jack rolled her eyes at him. Obviously she disagreed. "That must be the tenth one you've flirted with today," she scolded him. He beamed at her, showing off all his straight, white teeth.

"Thirteenth, actually," he replied, taking care to do so in a very flirtatious manner.

"Good thing I'm married," she said to him very sternly as he batted his long, dark eyelashes intensely at her.

"What's your husband's name?" Jack asked. She smiled at him, happy memories lighting up her brown eyes. Jack felt a pang of jealousy. His own marriage hadn't gone very well.

"Bernard. I'm Rose," the woman said, and she offered Jack her hand, which he took after a long moment of awkwardness.

Just then the plane bumped up and down violently, and Jack gripped his seat in alarm. "Jeez! What kind of pilot would do that?" he asked. He suddenly had a headache. The hairs on the back of his neck were rising. Rose gave him a look.

"Turbulence is normal," she said. "And this isn't exactly the plane to be flying on if it's safety you want."

"And why's that?" Jack asked, struggling to remain calm. He was starting to get confused. Why was he so upset? He was a rational person. Turbulence was normal. Anyway, what had Rose said? That this plane wasn't safe? If she knew something like that, then why would she ride on it? She doesn't know that, Jack told himself. She's messing with you. But she looked pretty surprised at having to explain. Realistically surprised. This annoyed Jack.

"This plane is being flown by Seth Norris," she said just as the plane experienced another bout of turbulence. Someone screamed in the row behind them. Jack felt sick.

"Who's Seth Norris?" Jack yelled over the noise of the plane, but Rose didn't reply because the plane was shaking very violently now and much to his horror Jack thought that he heard parts being ripped off behind him.

This was it. He was going to die. And so young, too. His father had gotten at least twenty-five more years of life. Poor mom, Jack thought. Losing the only people who didn't hate you both in one year.

"BERNARD!" Rose yelled frantically, looking around for her husband as the back of the plane began making terrible banging noises, but no one heard her. Too many people were screaming, including Jack. He looked around behind him to see the tail section and screamed even harder because, whatever was causing it, the plane was ripping apart.

Not able to take it any longer, Jack blacked out.

Jack woke with a start, cursing himself. Flashbacks struck him often, making him fall unconscious and relive a memory. He wasn't really sure what caused them, because his memories shouldn't have been traumatic enough to make him have to reexpieriance them, but he had seen them a lot in his career as a doctor, and they annoyed him to the point of violence.

Now he had more important thing to do then have flashbacks, like follow the screams that were starting to come from the distance. Jack hopped up and ran, following the grating sounds. How could there have been a plane crash? When he was on the plane?

As he got closer to them, he began to get a better bearing of his surroundings. He was in a forest, or maybe a jungle, and there was a beach up ahead, where the screams were coming from. Jack could also hear a terrible whirling noise coming from over there. He made it out of the jungle, sprinted out onto the beach, and was amazed by what he saw.

The wreckage was terrible. People were hurt, screaming, dying, crying, but that's not what made Jack stare. Over all of the ruins, a huge rainbow spread out. It was beautiful, amazing, so vivid. And right underneath it was...

Nikki Fernandez from Expose, Jack's favorite show ever. Was this a dream? It sure seemed like a dream. Nikki had been the object of Jack's secret lust for several years now. He watched all her shows. Read all her interviews. Had pictures of her on his phone. And now she was here, on this island, with him. But Jack didn't have time to stare at actresses right now, even beautiful ones that he had pined away for for years. He got to work running around helping people, but he kept Nikki in his mind at all times... if anything happened to her, he'd be there to save her within milliseconds.

There were tons of less amazing people stumbling around, bloody and battered. Some young guy was running around asking for pens for some reason. He didn't seem to really know what was going on. As most people seemed to do, he ran straight up to Jack. It must have been his air of competence that attracted fools to him– they needed to know what was going on, and Jack could tell them. Not that he would, though.

"Do you have a pen!" the man asked frantically.

"No! Get away!"Jack snapped, suddenly having no time for losers. He had just seen the lady he'd been talking to on the plane, the married one, Rose, lying on the ground, looking dead.

Jack and the young guy ran over to her.

"Why don't you get me a pen?" Jack asked him. "To do that thing where you poke there chest and open up a breathing passage or whatever." Jack wasn't really sure what to do. He was a doctor, not a CPR instructor, and hadn't done this maneuver for years.

"What do you think I've been doing!" the guy asked him, running off to follow the instructions.

Not having the time or patience to wait for the pen, Jack just improvised by pounding on her chest (which he called JACK SHEPHARD CPR), and it worked. Rose took a breath and sat up. She was alive. Jack stared at her for a moment, trying to understand why anyone would ever get on plane they didn't think was safe, when a scream from behind him made him get up again.

He ran over to get a blonde pregnant girl away from a creepy bald guy. He pushed her away just as part of the wreckage fell right where she had been standing a second ago. It also narrowly missed some guy in a black sweatshirt.

Jack felt like screaming and hiding. But he was a doctor, so he had to help. It was part of a deal that he had signed with his dad to become a surgeon. He had to save people, and if he didn't he would face severe punishment. So he ended up helping people for another half an hour, until no one seemed in any immediate danger. It was tiring work, but he did it easily and was soon able to find a place to be alone and stitch up his own wound, which was on his back and bleeding heavily.

He thought about their situation as he sat on the sand, which had been white but was quickly getting dyed a dark red shade from all the blood. Everything seemed pretty good when he thought about it. They were on a tropical island, and in a couple of hours someone would find them and help them off. Might as well prepare for the rescue. Maybe he'd earn some sort of fancy award for saving so many people. The thought made him very excited.

Just then, someone came out from behind some of the trees and walked onto Jack's little part of the beach. It was a young woman with long, curly brown hair, a nice athletic figure, and freckles on her gorgeous face. She was almost as pretty as Nikki. Jack decided to make her sew up his back because he couldn't really reach it and besides, she was cute.

"Have you ever patched a pair of jeans? Or someone's back?" he asked her. She looked startled to see someone there and it took her a moment to answer his question.

"No... but I have made some curtains before," she said. Her voice was nice. It sounded strong but sweet, and Jack noted that she had deliciously creamy brown eyes.

"Good, come patch me up," Jack told her. She looked rather upset by this.

"With the curtains, my friend did all the work. I can't sew worth a darn."

"Well, I don't care. My back's not gonna sew itself up, now is it?" He sneered at her because now she looked guilty. She looked good guilty. But it made Jack feel bad for her.

"What color thread do you want?" she asked him nervously, searching through his bag slowly, picking up a needle and staring at it with apprehension.

"Salmon," Jack replied. She started sewing his back, cringing with each pull of the needle.

"I'm probably going to throw up all over you and the wound will get infected and you'll die and we won't have a hero and we'll all panic and– I don't know– kill each other," she said all in a rush, sweating heavily all over the wound. Jack let out a long, low whistle, impressed.

"You'll kill each other?" he said. Gosh, he was pleased. He was their hero! Without him, they would be murderers. What a pleasant idea.

"By accident, of course," she clarified for him.

"Oh sure..." Jack smiled and decided to trust her with a bit of wisdom. "You know, when I was your age we didn't murder people. We counted. To five. And then they were dead."

"What?" She stared at him in confusion. Jack leaped at the chance to tell his favorite story.

"I was doing a surgery once when I was your age and I made a huge life threatening mistake, cutting the patient's heart clean in half. Blood was spilling everywhere and her insides were pouring out as the more thing tried to beat. I didn't know what to do; neither did anyone else. So I counted to five, a technique my father had suggested to me once that supposed to help calm you." The woman was staring right into his soul now. He stared back. "I counted. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. And when I stopped, the patient had died. It was the worst day of my life."

The woman was completely speechless as she finished up on Jack's back.

"Thank you, lady," he said feeling like he'd made a good first impression on her. She was intimidated, he could see that. And intimidation and worship were very close.

"Kate. My name's Kate," she said awkwardly, and stood up.

"Thank you, Kate," Jack said, and they stared into each other's eyes some more.

…...

That night, James "Sawyer" Ford walked down the beach, trying to get away from the wreckage. He shook his golden-brown hair out of his face and wondered what to do with his life, assuming that he was going to get off the island. For what must have been about the hundredth time, he thought to himself, I really shouldn't have killed that guy. Why, why didn't I stop? Check to see if he was the right person?

If only he hadn't been so angry.

Sawyer sat down on the sand, feeling close to tears again. He tried to distract himself, but all he had to think about was the way he'd murdered that man, and the plane crash. For the sake of his sanity, he decided to think about the crash.

Sawyer was pretty sure that planes like this didn't just crash for no reason. This made him suspect that it had been hijacked by terrorists. Somehow, they gotten onto the plane and had for some reason tried to crash it into the ocean or something. Thank God, at least forty people seemed to have survived.

The guy I killed is dead, though. The guy I shot in the chest without a second thought.

Sawyer hid his face in his hands, completely unable to live with himself at the moment. He did not deserve to be rescued from this island. He deserved to stay here and waste away, forever regretting what he had done.

"Hey," someone said, plopping down next to him. Sawyer looked up and wiped his eyes. It was a young man with dirty blond hair, smiling at him shyly. The ocean was reflected on his light blue eyes.

"Hello," Sawyer said quietly. He didn't feel much like talking to strangers right now.

"Pretty awful what's happened to us, right?" the guy said lightly. He had a thick British accent. Sawyer shook his head at him.

"Yeah."

"I'm Charlie, by the way," he said, and he stuck out his hand for Sawyer to shake. Sawyer reluctantly shook it once.

"I'm Sawyer."

Charlie laughed a little, staring out at the water. When Sawyer asked him what was so funny, he just laughed even more. Finally he calmed down slightly.

"You sound like a cowboy," he said.

"Are you feeling okay?" Sawyer asked wearily. Charlie frowned.

"Yeah, actually, no. I'm feeling a bit... I dunno. Sick?" Sawyer sighed. He just wasn't it a very good mood right now. He normally didn't get impatient with people.

"Well, why don't you go have… coffee or something?"

At the mention of coffee Charlie had gasped slightly, then blushed. He hopped– there was no other word for it– into a standing position and said quickly, "Silly Sawyer, I, er, hate coffee. Well, gotta go, uhm..." He skipped away. Sawyer stared after him as he walked off.

When he was alone again, though, his old thoughts started cycling through his brain so he decided to go meet some more people. He lit a cigarette as he made his way back to the clusters of people, throwing it onto the ground after just one puff. Littering didn't matter here, anyway, it was such a mess.

Some people had already made a little clique, and Sawyer loitered around them, listening in on their conversation, feeling like he wasn't good enough to interact with other humans.

"... eight-and-a-half months," said a very pregnant lady with a heavy Australian accent and golden hair. They didn't notice Sawyer watching them.

"And you were allowed on the plane?" This came from an attractive young man with thick dark hair and bright blue eyes.

"Well, obviously," said a fat guy with curly brown hair down to his shoulders.

"Yeah, Boone, she's here, isn't she?" said a tall girl Boone shifted around uncomfortably. "Well, sorry," he said in a whiny voice. "I was just making conversation. If that's alright with you, Shannon?"

"Kid," said a tall man with really short brown hair, hazel eyes and a thin face, "If you have to ask if it's alright, just assume it's not." Someone laughed at that. Sawyer turned to see who it was and felt his heart stand still.

I'm looking at the most beautiful woman in the world right now. I must be, he thought. She had curly brown hair, big brown eyes, and freckles all over her fair face. Sawyer stared at her, taking her all in, helpless to her beauty, and she became aware she was being watched. She started and met his gaze. She smiled.

"Hey there," she said. "Who're you?"

Suddenly everyone was staring at him. Sawyer blushed.

"I'm Sawyer," he said. "And you are?" To his annoyance, the thin faced guy answered for her.

"She is Kate. I'm Jack, and this is Claire," he pointed at the pregnant girl, "and Hurley," the fat guy nodded at Sawyer. "And Shannon and Boone, too. Boone's a loser who looks for pens. Oh, and I'm Jack Shephard."

"You already said that," Hurley pointed out.

"Thought he might have forgotten."

"That's likely..." muttered Claire under her breath.

Jack shrugged arrogantly. Sawyer felt like he didn't really like this guy very much but he was still polite. "Yeah, okay," Sawyer said. "Thanks for introducing me."

Just then, though, he froze, because there was a strange rumbling sound coming from the jungle. As it got louder, the group exchanged looks, and they all wandered closer to the sound to see what it was. People were starting to panic already.

"Is that you, Walt?" asked a strange man in a suit, running past them.

"No, DAD!" This was followed by a lot of swearing. A Korean couple ran by then, too, holding hands but arguing with each other. Sawyer heard someone call them "Sun" and "Jin".

Everyone eventually made their way to the brim of the jungle and stood still, listening anxiously to the crashing, bellowing sound. It was getting louder and louder.

Suddenly, the jungle caught on fire. People screamed and ran away from the flames as fast as possible, flailing and tripping and getting in each other's way. The next moment, though, the fire stopped, the plants undamaged, like it had never happened. Sawyer stared at the jungle even harder now, very confused.

"That," Charlie said, coming up from behind Sawyer and looking impressed, "was terrific."

After an hour or so, things had calmed down. But Jack was now totally freaked out, and he wondered if their situation was really all that great. He started crying manly tears of fright, but Kate kissed them away for him. They bonded quickly after that.

By the morning, most people were pretty tired. No one had really slept after the monster invasion thing. Sun and Jin were now on another part of the beach entirely, fishing and being isolated, because they apparently couldn't speak English, not even a little.

Also that morning, Charlie was going through a personal crisis.

Jack and Kate, oblivious to this, were making a plan. They were going to go find the cockpit and get a little black box ,to try to use it to contact the outside world to help them find them. Jack didn't want Kate to go with him because it might be dangerous, so he kept making up excuses for her not to go.

"You need to put your hair in a ponytail first," Jack said. She did.

"You need to remove your make-up," Jack said. She did. She was still beautiful. SO BEAUTIFUL.

"You need to wear different pants," Jack said. Kate put on good, durable jeans. They clung to her long legs perfectly.

"You're gonna need different shoes," Jack said. She changed into thick brown boots and Jack was out of excuses. He had to let her go with him. Well, this stinks, he thought morosely as he packed himself some water.

On another part of the beach some of the survivors of the crash were in a little circle, talking. The fat guy, Hurley, was in the circle, and so were Charlie, Walt, Walt's dad Michael, Boone, Shannon and Sayid.

"Does anyone have any sunblock?" asked Shannon, sounding exhausted. She had dark purple circles underneath her eyes from lack of sleep.

"Um, yes, actually, I do," said Charlie. He gave it to her with a shy smile. She began smearing it on her tan arms, Boone watching her quite closely, almost leering.

"Dude, you only did that 'cause she's pretty," Hurley snapped at Charlie. "You'd never give it to me."

"Do you want some?" Charlie asked, his voice strained. Hurley rolled his eyes.

"No, I don't need any of your stupid sunblock. I'm worrying about more important things, like the fuselage. And the B-O-D-I-E-S inside." Everyone shuddered... the bodies...

"What are you spelling, man?" asked Michael, Walt's dad.

"Bodies, you idiot," said Walt, and he jumped up and stalked of.

"WAAAAALT!" yelled Michael, and he ran after him, making everyone sigh with relief, just as Jack walked up to the circle with Kate.

"Guys, we're going to go find the front of the plane, to get a little black box that will help us contact the outside world," Jack told the group in a flat, emotionless voice. They all nodded slowly, not understanding why, of course, but not protesting because it seemed to make sense?

"Is the bathroom in the front of the plane?" asked Charlie excitedly. Everyone stared at him.

"Why yes, I think so," said Jack. "Why?"

"So I can get my bloody dr... I mean so I can... throw up... or something. Heh heh," Charlie glanced around nervously. Jack stared at him.

"You want to come with us?" he asked in indignation.

"Yeah," Charlie said like it was perfectly acceptable. Jack was about to say no but Kate gave him a look and so he had to agree to impress her.

"DANG IT," he moaned, feeling destroyed. He didn't want very many people coming with him. Now he would be responsible with three lives instead of just one. "Well, come on then..." Before Jack left, though, he asked Boone to keep an eye on the dying guy.

"But what if he dies?" Boone asked nervously. "I mean, he's pretty close to death right now."

"Then you let him rot," Jack snarled, out of patience, and he stomped off, followed quickly by Charlie and Kate.

...

Jack, Kate, and Charlie were making very slow progress. Jack's shoe laces kept getting untied, and Charlie's hands shook so much that he couldn't help tie them, and Kate had apparently never learned the proper way to tie shoes. So Jack kept tripping.

At some unspecified time of their journey, Kate turned around to Charlie and asked him,

"Why do I find you so familiar?" Charlie looked positively elated.

"You recognize me?" he grinned, his eyebrows bobbing up and down in excitement. Kate nodded her head in affirmation.

"Yes!"

"I think I know why," Charlie said, but he didn't elaborate.

"Well, why!" Kate asked after a long moment. But Charlie didn't answer. Instead, he began to sing.

"You all, everybody! You all, everybody!"

" What?" Kate said, staring at him. His singing voice was really high-pitched and hurt her ears. She didn't understand what he was trying to do.

"Haven't you ever heard that song before?" Charlie asked, looking rather hurt.

"Well, yeah." It was, after all, mega popular song two years ago. Everyone, poor fellows, had heard it at some point in their life.

"That's us! Drive Shaft!" Charlie said, making it sound like the most important thing in the world. Kate was disgusted.

"You made that song?"

"Yeah! I play bass!" Charlie said, nodding frantically in joy.

"You were in that band," Kate said in an accusatory tone. Charlie seemed to finally realize that she wasn't as happy as him.

"Yes! Why? Don't you like it?" he asked. Kate rolled her eyes.

"No way, I hate it," she said, unable to sugarcoat her feelings for him. "I actually threw up at the concert I went to because the music was so bad." She hated it so much that she was just going to be completely, brutally honest with him.

Charlie looked heartbroken. Maybe Jack likes it, he thought. "Hey, Jack, have you ever heard of Drive Shaft?" he asked.

Jack gave him an exhausted and bewildered look that seemed not to say, What am I missing here? but What's wrong with you? Will you leave me alone? Charlie laughed nervously.

"You know... You all everybody, you all everybody!" Charlie sang. Jack looked like he was about to vomit.

"Stop singing NOW!" he screamed, reaching up to his head as if to pull out hair put finding that he had a buzz cut. "We have to keep going."

They continued on their way in silence.

...

Around an hour later, they got to the front part of the plane.

"Now, guys, be careful," said Jack, looking only at Kate. She smiled back at him, looking flattered with, but not unused to, the attention.

"Why?" Charlie asked. Jack grudgingly answered him.

"I've heard a rumor that Seth Norris flew this plane," he warned them.

"Who's he?" asked Charlie.

"I don't know, but he sounds dangerous." Jack started to explain, but just then there was a loud cackling from the cockpit. It started to rain. Jack thought of fire from last night and panicked.

"Stay close to me!" he said to Kate protectively. He didn't really care about Charlie. No one likes you, he thought at him, but he wasn't a telepath, and Charlie never heard him.

They entered the cockpit cautiously and started climbing up the plane, which had landed at an angle and made a steep slope. They were surrounded by dead bodies and there were disturbing chuckles coming every couple seconds from the front of the plane. Very disturbing. Jack shuddered but bravely climbed on.

After a couple minutes, Jack and Kate got to the very front of the plane and Charlie escaped into the bathroom.

When they got into the cockpit, the first thing they saw was the co-pilot, tied and gagged to his chair. It was horrible. "Help me!" he yelled in a muffled voice. Jack's eyes grew wide. He wondered why he had even come up here.

Suddenly, a man in a black cloak, with glowing red eyes, swept down from the ceiling. He grabbed the co-pilot, laughing, and pulled him out through one of the broken windows. A moment later the windows were splattered with blood. Kate shrieked.

Now actually scared, Jack noticed that Charlie was missing.

"Where's Charlie?" he asked, hardly caring. Kate just whimpered, staring at the blood.

Charlie came running out of the bathroom just then. "Did you say me named? What's happened!" Then he noticed the blood. And he too screamed. Because the blood hadn't just splattered in a normal pattern. It had splattered so that the words "Love, Seth" were readable. All three of them began screaming even louder but the words didn't go away.

Jack grabbed the little black box and the three of them slid down the front of the plane like a slide. And they ran for their lives.

It was pouring rain now. And blood. They ran as fast as they could. They slipped and slid. Finally Kate got under the shelter of a tree. And she saw that everyone else was somehow gone.

"JACK!" she called out frantically. But he didn't answer her. She was so scared she wanted to die. So she counted five, like Jack had said in that ridiculous story he had told her. Maybe it would kill her? In her terrified state, it seemed likely.

"One. Two. Three. Four. Five," she counted, but when she had finished, she was still alive.

Just at that moment, someone slid up to her, mud flying everywhere as he tripped forward. Kate screamed and tackled him.

"Ahh!"

"AHH!"

It took her a moment to realize that it wasn't Seth Norris, it was Charlie, and he was scared half to death by her attack.

"Where's Jack?" she asked shrilly.

"I don't know!" Charlie gasped.

"I'm going back for him."

"WHAT? In case you didn't notice, Seth seems kind of dangerous. He also appears to be able to fly!" Charlie was shaking violently, covered with mud.

"Well you can stay here, you coward. I'm still going to go!" Kate said. She got up and started running back. Charlie lay on the ground, disoriented, before he got up to go back after her.

"Wait up!" He ran after her. They eventually got back to the plane. It had stopped raining. They stopped for a minute to catch their breath, when Jack came out of some nearby bushes. He saw Charlie and Kate standing next to each other and swore. But than something up a tree caught his eye. He pointed upwards timidly. Kate followed his gaze, and Charlie followed Kate's.

Up in the tree was the co-pilot's dead body.

Charlie said, "Guys... How does something like this happen?"

...

A short while later, Jack, Kate, and Charlie were on their way back to the wreckage, now with the black box and some dreadful memories. To make things even worse Jack, out of a fit of jealousy, was giving Charlie the cold shoulder. He had hated seeing him stand next to Kate, and while telling Jack what had happened to them Kate had mentioned tackling Charlie. Maybe it wouldn't have seemed like anything for Jack to be worried about if Charlie hadn't been making very suggestive comments while Kate recounted the story. Jack wanted Kate all for himself.

Back at the beach, people were still thinking about the sudden rain storm which had also reached the beach. All of them had run for shelter during the rain except for one man, the mysterious and enigmatic John Locke. He was the creepy bald guy that had been near the pregnant girl.

Jin, the Korean man, had caught some fish and turned it into sushi with magical powers and the help of his wife. He was now offering it to people because they were all low on food and he had too much. First, he approached Hurley, the fat guy with the cursed fortune.

[Korean is in bold] "Sushi! Would you like to eat it?" he said, but Hurley only spoke Korean in his sleep.

"What?" he asked.

"Eat this please!" Jin insisted, forcing the tray of sushi into Hurley's arms.

"Dude, get that stuff away from me!" Hurley yelled, giving the tray back.

"What? Don't you like fish?" Jin was slightly crestfallen.

"NOOO! Go AWAY!" Hurley yelled, stomping his foot, and waving his hands angrily, so Jin scrambled off in fear.

Next Jin took the sushi to the pregnant girl, Claire.

"Eat? Please eat this it is very good and safe," Jin told her. He really needed to learn English sometime soon. No one here was going to learn Korean for him.

"You want me to eat this? Sure!" She took a bite and Jin was mollified. "Mmmmmm... OH MY GOSH THE BABY IS KICKING!" She held her stomach and felt the baby living, glad it was alive even after the horrible plane crash.

Jin, of course, didn't understand her and only saw that she was yelling. He freaked out. Claire looked dangerous to him, being so round and cruel looking.

"I am so sorry! I thought it was good! How can I make it up to you? I will be your servant!!"

Claire just laughed and ate more fish.

"I think he likes it! Yes, I think it's a he. And he likes sushi! Haha, imagine that, mate!" she chuckled, growing tipsy from the raw fish.

Frightened that she would attack, Jin ran away, back to his wife, Sun, who comforted him. "It's okay, Jin. I don't think she will attack you." But Jin pushed her comforting arm away. He now realized that the islanders couldn't understand him, either. He would use that to his advantage. He could say whatever he wanted to them.

"I am a loner now, wife. You go wash. You are filthy." Sun stared at him, looking hurt, and Jin cursed his stupidity. Sun spoke Korean. She'd heard his insults.

She walked away to go wash up like he had said.

Meanwhile, Jack, Kate and Charlie were almost back to the beach camp, when Kate remembered something she had wanted to ask Charlie.

"Hey, Charlie?" Kate said. Jack glared warningly at Charlie as if to say, "don't you dare talk to her". Charlie unwisely ignored the warning.

"What?" he said to Kate. Jack raised his fist in aggression.

"What were you doing in the bathroom?" Kate continued.

"Oh... I was... uh..." Charlie gasped then, because Jack punched him in the arm. "Ow! Uh... throwing up. Very– OUCH– manly... urh- right?" Jack didn't stop punching him the whole time he spoke. It was his way of showing his aggression.

"Eew, are you bulimic?" Kate asked, blissfully unaware of Jack's actions.

"No, I am– eek!– not. I don't have any bad little– OUCH– habits like that," Charlie giggled, trying to ignore the pain in his arm. But he was lying about that last part. He did have a very bad habit. He now remembered the flight again.

Charlie, sitting in his plane seat wearing headphones and lots of bling and really cute shoes, was unintentionally attracting the attention of the attendants of the flight. Flight attendants. Yes.

Anyway, the reason he was getting unwanted attention was because his hands were shaking really really badly and he had a ring on that was tapping against his seat, thus creating a terribly loud noise.

"Can we get you anything, sir?" The flight attendant named "Cindy" asked him, as she made her rounds. But she had come up at the worst possible moment. Charlie had been practicing his Voldemort head roles [see the fifth Harry Potter movie and you'll know what I mean] when she passed. Not knowing that it was just for fun, she suspected that he was a drug addict.

She was right, of course. Normal people don't practice rolling their heads like fictional villains.

"Please stay here, sir, I'm going to go get some stronger flight attendants," she told him, trying to stay calm.

"Why?"

"I'll be right back!" She ran off without answering his question in a satisfying matter..

As he looked behind him, he saw her talking to large, intimidating men in uniforms and gesturing at him. It was time for him to get the heck out of here. But he was on a plane! How could he? Aw well, better try anyway.

He got up and ran to the bathroom. But the flight attendants had seen him! Oh no! He ran faster. He zig-zagged past seats. He ran over Shannon's feet by accident, making Boone yell at him. Unfortunately, the flight attendants heard him and followed the noise. Charlie ran faster. Finally he made it safely into the bathroom at the front of the plane. He locked the door, got out his drugs, which were small grains of pure caffeine, did some very strange things with them, and then dropped what was left of them into the toilet. Then, as he was staring at his reflection in the mirror admiring his blue, blue eyes, he heard some flight attendants slam into the door.

"OOF!" yelled one of them.

"Let us in now!" yelled the other one.

"Just a minute," he said frantically. But suddenly he heard a horrible tearing noise, like the tail section of the plane getting ripped off. He heard the flight attendants run away. He got out of the bathroom and crawled to a seat in the middle of the plane where he strapped himself in. Turning to the man next to him he said,

"F-Y-S-B-I-G-T-B-A-B-N!"

"WHAT?"

"Fasten Your Seat Belt It's Going To Be A Bumpy Night!" Charlie explained. And then they crashed.

What a fond memory. Not. Charlie blinked, rubbed his arm, and tried to think of something else. The crash was too scary. He could hardly wrap his mind around it as it was... it was like a nightmare.

After much more hiking, Jack, Kate, and Charlie got back to the beach camp to find a fight going on. They looked around in confusion. What had been happening while they were gone? Had the survivors gone feral?

"SAWYER VS SAYID JARRAH!" someone explained, seeing their confused faces. It was Walt. He was standing with a large group of people that were cheering them on.

Charlie joined the crowd that was encouraging the fight mostly to get away from Jack, who still hadn't stopped hitting him. He was personally rooting for Sayid, who was his friend, and watched with anxious interest while he rubbed his sore arm.

Sawyer was currently on top of Sayid, punching him hard. Jack was freaked out. Fighting was dangerous, and completely uncivilized. It was so upsetting that the other survivors would do this that he cried as he tried to pull Sawyer off of Sayid. But Sawyer was too strong.

"HE CRASHED OUR PLANE!" Sawyer yelled as he punched Sayid.

"NO, YOU DID!" yelled Sayid. They were literally almost tearing each other apart, and Jack was getting hit, too, because he was still trying, to no avail, to stop them.

Finally, Hurley took pity and helped Jack get them away from each other.

"Break it up, boys! Break it up," he said. Sawyer was making evil looks at Sayid, who was making obscene hand gestures back at him.

"Now, why'd you attack him, Sawyer?" asked Hurley, trying to be a voice of reason.

"BECAUSE HE KILLED TONS OF PEOPLE!" Sawyer hollered.

"I DID NOT!" Sayid yelled. "YOU DID!"

They tackled each other again.

"Guys, wait!" It was Kate. Sawyer looked up at her and actually stopped fighting.

"What?" he asked, ignoring Sayid's punches.

"It wasn't Sayid that crashed our plane! It was Seth–" but Jack cut her off with a meaningful look.

"It doesn't matter how it crashed," he said loudly and finally. "It just matters that it crashed. Now go take a time out, Sawyer!"

As Hurley dragged Sawyer to the corner, Sawyer yelled, "Why won't you listen to my side of the story! IT'S NOT FAIR!"

Now that the danger was past, people were starting to notice that Jack had gotten the little black box. "What's it do?" asked Boone, crowding in too close for Jack's comfort. He pushed him away a little bit before explaining.

"Right now, nothing. Does anyone know how to fix things like this?" Jack asked. He wasn't very technologically savvy.

"Don't you just flip the little on switch?" asked Charlie naively. Everyone ignored him.

"I can fix it," said Sayid helpfully, breathing hard because of the fight he'd just been in.

"You can?" asked Jack doubtfully. "O–"

"YEAH, FIX IT TO KILL THE REST OF US!" yelled Sawyer, cutting off Jack. It was then that Jack decided he hated Sawyer.

"Shut up, Sawyer!" said Kate. Jack fell in love with her all over again. It seemed they both had a mutual hatred for rednecks.

"Yes, I can fix it. I am very skilled like that,"said Sayid, wiping a shiny bead of sweat off his dark forehead.

"Good, here you go," Jack smiled. "Have it fixed ASAP." He stared a Sayid for a moment, frowning. "ASAP means As Soon As Possible."

"I know what ASAP means, Jack," Sayid said.

"Okay, good," Jack said distractedly, and he and Kate set off for a walk down the seashore.

Later, Sayid could be found on the beach fixing the black box. Hurley went down to join him, in need of someone to talk to.

"Dude, I trust you. You're awesome," he said out of nowhere. Sayid Jarrah gave him a winning smile.

"Thank you very much. You should." Finally he finished fixing it. He smiled at his work proudly. "Wooboy!" he yelled in joy.

Kate came down to see what all the fuss was about. "You fixed it?" she asked. She wasn't sure why Jack hadn't let her tell them that Seth had crashed the plane, but she was determined to stay on good terms with everyone as long as she could, so she hadn't asked him. Right now, though, she was trying to stay away from Jack for awhile, just to give the matter some time.

"Yes, I did indeed fix it!" Sayid answered.

"Then can't you just, like, phone home?" asked Hurley.

Sayid shook his head. "Unfortunately, no can do. We need to reach higher ground first."

"Dude, like how high?"

Sayid pointed up at the highest peak of the mountains.

END OF PART ONE